The Witcher Headcanon - Trouble
Jaskier gets into trouble a lot. It's just a simple fact. The man has no sense of self-preservation.
Geralt is constantly having to save him. It's hard to make a living killing monsters when you have to constantly stop and save your Bard when he "wants a closer look at that (monster) ", or he just has to touch every mysterious object.
What do you think it is, Geralt? Oooh, it's so shiny!
Why would someone leave something like this laying around? Have you ever seen something like this before?
I wonder what this does? Do you think it's magic?
Do you think it's really old? Like a Fae artifact?
Oooh, what if it's cursed? Do you think it's cursed? I probably shouldn't be holding it if it's cursed, right?
Oh my goodness, look at that (forest animal/creature)! I have to pet it! Come here you adorable thing!
It's not friendly! It's not friendly! Run Geralt!
He just can't stop f***ing touching things! If Geralt's hair wasn't already white...
He wonders if this is what having a toddler is like. Having to constantly yeet him away from danger, stop him from touching things, and listen to hours of endless babbling.
The other Wolves just don't understand why Geralt is always dead tired when he comes home for the winter, until Lambert joins them on the Path one spring.
It's a complete nightmare.
Holy f**k, Geralt! How in the h*ll do you keep him alive all year???
They run into Eskel along the way, and he's confused as to why Lambert and Geralt both look like Tired Dads. He laughs when they point to Jaskier, who is innocently working out the words to his latest ballad, completely unaware that he is being discussed.
Eskel scoffs and joins them. It's just one Bard. How hard could he be to look after?
They end up sititng around a table at an Inn, complainig to Coen.
He tried to pet a Griffin! A f***ing Griffin!
I turned my back for five minutes, and he was trying to walk into a fairy ring!
I kept having to yank him out of the way of the Bruxa's claws because he kept trying to 'help'!
I had to stop him one night because he saw fairy lights in the woods and wanted to follow them!
I can feel my self f***ing aging!
He almost got decapitated trying to get close to a Czernobog so he could 'get a more accurate estimate of it's wingspan' for his next ballad!
We found a bar of lavender soap on a path in the woods. I told him it was obviously a Fae trap because no one just leaves a bar of soap in the middle of the d*mn woods, and this stupid f***er still tries to go pick it up! Thank Melitele that Geralt was able to grab him before he got his a** kidnapped!
You need a leash for the poor b**tard, just to keep him out of trouble!
Or just dig a deep f***ing hole and put him in it, like Vesemir used to do when he had work to do and we were too little to be left wandering loose!
The Witchers lose track of how many times the Bard has been injured over that long year. Thankfully the injuries are mostly minor.
They marvel at his resilience and durability. The man is seriously like a weed. He just keeps bouncing back!
They are so glad when it gets closer to time to return to Kaer Morhen.
But just when they think the nightmare is almost over, Jaskier goes and decides to get himself cursed.
And the bevy of Witchers ends up showing up on Yennefer's doorstep with a baby who looks very familiar.
(Y'all know there's a bonus scene for this headcanon coming! Get ready for some baby!jaskier)
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