Flash News

Real news for real people. This is the fictional blog of a character from the D.R.E.A.M. podcast. Click the links below for more information.

[flashnews]

Elite Nerd Lord

It’s true. I’ve never played a video game.

No, it’s not because I think video games are some government conspiracy, or corporations are using subliminal messaging to implant ideas in your heads through use of games (even though they are).

I just don’t like them. Is that really so weird?

Here are the reasons, if you really must know.

1. They’re time-consuming. One of my housemates currently spends up to 12 hours a day just playing games. The other 12 are spent sleeping. That’s it. They eat while they play and that’s all they do all day, every day. I mean, unless it’s a “dream” day.

2. They’re loud. Yeah, sure, I could play without volume or turn it down, but I’ve been assured by many “gamers” that they’re less fun without the sound turned up, so if I were to play, why would I “lessen the experience?”

3. They discourage social interaction. Wait. Never mind, that’s a GOOD thing.

4. They’re expensive. And I’m broke. End of story.

5. They’re fake. And if you know me, I’m all about what’s real.

6. Gamers are obnoxious. I live with one. I know. 

If I DID play, I’d probably be great at it. But I don’t need to prove anything to any of you.

Anyway, since my fellow research subjects don’t seem to believe I have never played a video game, I thought I should let my readers know as well. Let me know: Is that really so weird?  Have you heard of this Elite Donkey Lord game they’re obsessed with or whatever? How much does it suck? Hit me up or whatever. Or don’t. 

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M. podcast. This blog post refers to events in Episode 5, which released on July 2, 2019. Episodes 1-5 are out now. You can listen to the first four episodes and the first minisode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen

D.R.E.A.M. Episode 6 will be available to patrons on July 15, 2019 and to the public on July 16, 2019.

[flashnews]

Giving up on any semblance of nondisclosure at this point

For some reason, this blog hasn’t been shut down, nor have I been asked to take it down for violating my nondisclosure agreement, so either I’m very lucky or they just haven’t found it yet. Since I appear to have a free platform in which to say whatever I want without consequences for the moment, I’ll just go ahead and tell you everything about what’s been going on.

We had our first “dream” or whatever today. You know, a simulation or whatever. It felt weirdly real. I mean, I knew it wasn’t, because obviously we were hooked up to these machines beforehand and dosed with some drugs I don’t even want to think about right now, supposedly to put us to “sleep” (I was sure I was going to die in that moment), but it still felt more real than I expected. It was literally just the city I live in now, like everything was the same. The streets, the stores, the train station, everything. 

Anyway, the first thing that felt “off” was that people kept staring at me and whispering. I mean, that happens anyway sometimes. I haven’t exactly been looking or smelling my best lately until this study started. But these whispers were different, like the whispers of people who have just seen a celebrity. Okay, strange, yeah, but I just kept walking. I wanted to see how much of the city they bothered programming. It was a lot, actually. Kind of impressive.

And then it happened. Someone actually came up to me. Multiple someones, in fact. “Are you...Stephen Flash?” Like they were in awe of me. I said yes and suddenly there were cameras flashing and people wanting to shake my hand, have pictures taken with me, everything. Someone wanted me to autograph a newspaper and the headline was about me blowing open a voting fraud scandal. I’ve been saying for ages, as you know, that President West’s election was a total sham and apparently I proved it. The picture below the image was of me, smiling, a cheesy smile, but it was pretty cool to feel like I accomplished something.

And then, you know, it ended. And now I’m here. The same pathetic bastard I’ve always been. It was nice, but it was fake, and this is real, and it sucks. But hey. I guess it’s better to deal with miserable reality than try to live in a beautiful fantasy.

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M. podcast. This blog post refers to events in Episode 4, which released on June 18, 2019. Episodes 1-4 are out now. You can listen to the first four episodes and the first minisode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen

D.R.E.A.M. Episode 5 will be available to patrons on July 1, 2019 and to the public on July 2, 2019.

[flashnews]

Only Six Months. Only.

So as part of this study I foolishly agreed to do, I also agreed to live in an apartment with the other guinea pigs. Beats being homeless, right? That’s what I thought, but I’m reconsidering. The only positive I can see is that the worst of my...what is the word for people being experimented on alongside you? Let’s just go with “comrades” for now. The worst of my comrades is not, in fact, staying in the apartment with the rest of us. Not that that matters, because she’s already made herself at home despite it not being her home.

That girl with the hippie name made us sign a roommate agreement like we’re college students. I mean, she is, so that makes sense, but we couldn’t agree on what to agree on at all. Eventually I agreed to sign just so she’d shut up about it but I have no intention of following through with any of it. I just want to get through these six months and get out with my organs and sanity mostly intact. 

My first impressions of people are always right and people are all terrible (except my readers, of course) and these three are especially terrible. 

The hippie name girl is happy and peppy all the time, which, as you know, is the complete antithesis of me. Awful.

There’s some Norwegian kid who doesn’t really talk to the rest of us much and stays in their room all the time, which honestly is kind of the ideal roommate situation. So maybe they aren’t so bad after all.

And then there’s the heiress to Whitmore Industries, which is associated with this study somehow, and that’s suspicious on its own. I’d be even more concerned about something fishy going on, except I can tell she is a complete idiot like the rest of them. I think she’s here because she genuinely wants to be. She obviously doesn’t need the money. And she isn’t even living with us, but she’s still in our space All. The. Time.

I keep telling myself it’s six months. Only six months. 

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M. podcast. This blog post refers to events in Episode 3, which released on June 4, 2019. Episodes 1-3 are out now. You can listen to the first three episodes and the first minisode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen

D.R.E.A.M. Episode 4 will be available to patrons on June 17, 2019 and to the public on June 18, 2019. 

[flashnews]

A Followup?

You’d think my last post would be the end of it, but for some reason I was asked for a second interview for that study. It’s hard to believe they couldn’t find a better candidate than me, I mean, some idiots out there had to be lured in by the promise of $100,000. So anyway, looks like I’m not out of the running yet, somehow.

This could be a good opportunity for my career, I guess, or what is left of it. I’m supposed to go back in the next few days to have a “followup chat” with the researcher who interviewed me before, which doesn’t sound awkward or anything. At this point, I think I might intentionally be as combative as possible, or, you know, just be myself. If they still pick me after that, something is definitely up. If not, well, I’ll find something else and they’re less shady than I thought, and way more desperate for asking me to come in twice.

Either way, guess I’ll know in a few days. I’ll keep you updated here at Flash News. Maybe. If I don’t starve to death or otherwise die of salt poisoning from all the ramen I’ve been eating. 

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M podcast. This blog post refers to events in Minisode 1, which released on October 14 of 2018 and takes place after Episode 2, which released May 21, 2019. Episodes 1 and 2 are out now. You can listen to the first two episodes and the first minisode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen 

D.R.E.A.M Episode 3 will be available to patrons on June 3, 2019 and to the public on June 4, 2019.

[exposedconspiracies]

CONSPIRACY #68

Mattress stores are fronts for money laundering schemes. Ever notice how they’re always empty?

[flashnews]

That could have gone better

I’m probably violating some nondisclosure agreement by talking about this here (just kidding, I read through all that paperwork I had to sign just to submit an application so I KNOW I’m violating it) but I can’t hold anything back from you, my dear readers.

Remember that study I applied for a few weeks ago? Dream or whatever? Well, yesterday they called me to interview. Unbelievable. Me. I can’t remember exactly what I wrote on the application but I wasn’t exactly “ideal research subject” material. Anyway, they had me come in today and do an interview.

The experience was pretty much what I expected. You know, sitting in a waiting room for hours with about 20 other desperate assholes with a mixture of poor hygiene and probable drug and alcohol addiction. But then, they probably all thought the same of me. And okay, there were a few people who looked mostly normal. But there must be something wrong with anyone who falls for such obvious bait as a $100,000 reward for completing a six-month study.

As for the interview itself, once I got in, I can’t say I was exactly the most pleasant person to interview. The researcher they had talking to me was infuriatingly calm but I think I pushed her buttons a few times. Sadly, I don’t think she liked me very much. I may have made myself as unappealing a candidate as possible. Not intentionally, of course! I just can’t help myself.  You know how I love being an asshole.

So that’s that. I probably should have tried at least a little to “play nice” but it’s for the best. It’s unfortunate that I won’t be able to expose this thing from the inside, but at least my kidneys will stay intact for now.

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M podcast. You can listen to the first episode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen 

[exposedconspiracies]

CONSPIRACY #70

Top celebrities are just puppets.

[exposedconspiracies]

CONSPIRACY #73

Valentine’s Day is just a capitalist scam, designed to make pressure people to spend unnecessary money to confirm their love

[zodaeac]

Conspiracy theories

Believes in all of them: Libra, Virgo, Sagittarius

Believe in most of them: Aquarius, Taurus, Aries

Believes in some of them: Cancer, Leo

Believes in none of them: Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces

Is one of them: Gemini

[flashnews]

how I used to be: omg i cant believe anyone would think the government would lie to us.

me now: the moon landing was faked, the moon is a damn hologram, elvis didnt die, 9/11 was completely an inside job, our whole history is a lie, the government is out to get us and could kill me any minute now and make it so nobody knows of my existence.

[flashnews]

“APPLICANTS NEEDED FOR EXTENSIVE VIRTUAL REALITY STUDY BY VISILLICO $100,000 COMPENSATION FOR COMPLETION OF 6-MONTH PROGRAM VISIT VISILLICO.AARS/DREAM FOR DETAILS”

Sounds sketchy, right? A man would have to be desperate as hell to fall for an obvious scam like that. What kind of study pays $100,000? And what the hell is a Visillico?

Turns out Visillico is a legit company, by the way, or as legit as it gets. They’re some kind of workforce training company. Augmented reality and shit. The website doesn’t really say much about this research study or drug front or organ thievery ring or whatever it is, but there is an application there.

Still, you’d have to be VERY desperate, right? Like, so desperate you’re willing to risk your life for the slim chance of making an easy $100,000? No fool could be that desperate.

I guess I’m that fool. How low I’ve fallen.

Yes, that’s right. Your boy Stephen, the man who distrusts everything, who KNOWS this is an obvious scam, is a desperate enough idiot to have applied for this.

At best, I figure they steal my identity or something. At worst, I probably lose a kidney. It’s fine. And hey, maybe I can expose this shit for what it really is and get my name out there. My followers here at Flash News are great, of course, but your boy has got to eat. If that means putting my life on the line to get a scoop, I’ll do it. For you. That’s how much I love all two of you.

If they even call me after the application I sent in, that is, because let me tell you, only a fool more desperate than myself would look at that thing and think, “Ah, yes, THIS is the man we want for this research study.”

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

This is a fictional blog entry for the character of Stephen in the D.R.E.A.M podcast. You can listen to the promotional episode now at http://dream-podcast.com/listen