Heya, I go by the name Cherry and I am an adult system ❀
I have Autism, Complex PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fibromyalgia as well as other disabilities and health conditions.
If you know me from my other blogs, welcome and if you're new, nice to meet you ❀
I don't tolerate any hate or bigotry. You will simply be blocked!
I am unfortunately starting again with this new blog due to risks on my old one, so this space is to keep myself as safe as possible whilst being seen, and connecting with others ❀
Comments and replies are welcome, just be mindful of what advice you are giving ❀
Thank you for holding this space with gentle care, as always ❀
Parts Key below:
Parts Colours:
Gold: Soother Parts
Orange: Daily Parts
Yellow: Joyful Parts/Comforters
Blue: Type 1 Trauma Holders
Purple: Type 2 Trauma Holders
Pink: Expressive Parts
Red: Protectors
Personal posts will be tagged "#Forest Echoes" please do not reblog these.
Parts will not sign their posts by name, instead, we'll sign by colour or group name. Sometimes both.
girl will suffer unearthly tragedies and still run errands the same day with a smile on their face but if a mans parents divorce when he is 12 he will unleash his wrath on the world for the rest of his life
Never had a whole team surround me with an escalating abuser. Police on standby, services aware. Half of me wants to fawn to stay safe, half of me wants to run to services to stay safe.
K is also bringing up trauma from my mother 😀. The trauma I've been burying like my life depends on it. She's being so fucking nice and then a flash of my mothers...
K read me to filth as usual, with so much kindness...
Cw: rape, coercion, stufd
Honestly... it's so confronting that I have to cover my face as I talk to her because I don't know what to do with myself. How am I to talk about this when there is sooo much shame?!
She hugged me hello and did the British cheek to cheek kiss thing and... my mother wound cannot take it. She's so mother coded and I literally am so traumatised. I've attached for SO much less and I am actively trying to manage that. She cried for ME because of the abuse my mother let happen to me. HOWWWW do I deal with that?!!
I told her how he knows I've relapsed with my alchohol after a year and wants to bring me more and she was SO pissed off that all she could do was say "right" and type notes on her computer. Every time I answer a question... her blood boils FOR me because apparently it IS really bad. But if I'm so honest... I do compare people to prison guy because he was... horrific.
Anyway, she spoke about how it's really serious what I'm going through and literally said because I've been through soo much abuse I've been minimising stalker guy... and I never even considered that? She was literally like he's harassing and raping you... and my first thought was "yeah that's probably not good" and she's looking at me in disbelief and before I could respond she hits me with "have you heard of trauma bonds" and I'm staring at her like... yeah... and she goes on to explain anyway and I'm like oh damn I didn't know I was still doing That. She looks at me like omg you're so traumatised and I'm like "yeah I didn't know this was that bad."
She CANNOT STAND stalker guy and she is still so mad about the fact that I haven't had therapy despite literally begging.
PLUS when she talks she says "we" because she's also talking about her past self too so I feel like I can't dismiss anything she says because I can't dismiss HER experience but like... how can I deal if I can't dismiss? I can't. She talks about domestic abuse and she says we tend to do this, and we tend to minimise that and we tend to... please K. I can't deal with it.
I told her that yeah... if we go by the "scenes" in my head I remember about 5 rapes over 6 years and that's what is in my head... but also... BIG alert. When I'm around her SOO many parts feel comfortable that we're ALL in the body, never experienced that???. I don't know what to do with that because it's the first time I've experienced what it would be like to be [insert birth name] and ????? What do I do with that?! It literally feels like all ages combine and we're all talking together because she's in front of us and I feel so fucking traumatised it's unreal. It's like when I'm in front of her I know all the trauma happened to ME?! It's fucking horrible! Then as soon as we leave I'm back to the disconnection from the trauma and I feel like I've faked the whole thing...
But for that moment every part that's there feels like me, and I still have the disconnect of it feeling like their voice but coming out if MY mouth and when that happens it feels... right?! I hate it.
PLUS she will not let me minimise at ALL. She literally said today "us who have been through domestic violence and have a history of abuse tend to minimise the current abuse because we compare what we went through to what we are going through and if it's less we dismiss it... especially to get through it."
Chill out K. Please.
Then she randomly goes, so I think whilst you wait for the housing move you need to go to a refuge. I said HUHHHH??!! It CANNOT be that bad?!!
She looked me dead in my face and was like when you're in a refuge no one will know where you are and you'll be with other woman and you'll be safe, I can't even know where you are.
I said... is it that bad?!
She said yes.
Huh?!
So... am I losing my mind?
She then talked about the pull to him and what that's like and she spoke about herself and I was again like ahhh damn yeah that IS what I feel.
Fuck!
I don't love him though so I dismissed it through that AND I also think because I've never consented to a relationship I was just like yeah it cannot be bad because I said no... but maybe I've just been coping through that??
Also, he plays with my memory sooo much. I think having access to more memories of him makes me realise that. AND he fucking up my brain with anticipation... it feels like when the shark from jaws is around. I'm just fucking waiting and then we tend to go okay pleaseeeee stop this and get it over with and then he's like oh you consent?
Hm. That kinda fucked me up actually.
So I sent the entire text thread to K. I was like yeah you can HAVE it. I also ran it through an a i and it said "consistent pattern that professionals would recognise as coercive and grooming behaviour, not friendship."
I was like huhhh. That's so crazy because I feel like I know what he's doing but with other abuse I don't think I knew. I actively know he's fucking me up but I also know I cannot walk away. Like a mental prison. K was like yeah that's what coercion does.
I literally was like... am I stupid?
How does one go through so much trauma they stop seeing trauma? Or is that only when you go to therapy?
