Summary: Thirteen years have passed. Both Dory and Michael are thirteen, and almost thirteen respectively. Doryâs birthdayâs in a couple of months. School is hectic. The joys of raising teens. And then comes one more surprise for the household. How will they handle this? Are they too old?
Thirteen years passed so quickly, that it seemed like merely blinking had brought teens into existence at the red brick house with the white picket fence. As usual, with teens, the house was in chaos. âPhil?â Dan called out.
âYeah?â Phil questioned.
âWhereâs my hair straightener?â Dan asked.
âI thought you didnât straighten your hair anymore?â Phil asked, as he and Dan almost collided in the hallway.
âOnly for important meetings, and Iâve got a doozy today, our schedules are overflowing, and weâve got kids to wake up,â Dan answered.
âI think I know where the spare hair straightener ended up.â Phil went up the stairs, and went to where Michaelâs room was at.
Michael was just about to turn thirteen in a few weeks and was showing his mischievousness. When Phil entered the room, he found the  straightener plugged into the wall, and a Barbieâs face smashed against the hot part.
âMichael Lester-Howell; how many times have we told you no setting things on fire in the house?â Phil yelped out.
âToo many times to count,â Michael grinned up at Phil.
âUnplug that, and give it to your Papa, and give the Barbie back to your sister,â Phil said, as the straightener dropped out of Michaelâs hand and landed near his fatherâs trainer.
âDo Not set another pair of trainers on fire either,â Phil said, as he watched Michael unplug the instrument and hand it to him.
âThank you,â Phil said, and went back down the stairs.
âThat Was A Collectorâs Edition BARBIE!!!!â A cry of anger rent the air, and Phil closed his eyes, and opened them, when he met Dan down in the foyer.
âHere you go,â Phil handed Dan, the hair straightener.
âWhyâs there a chunk of plastic on here? Canât I just use one of your straighteners?â Dan asked.
âWell, our son was being a sneaky-snek and he melted one of the Barbiesâ faces. According to our daughter, she was a collectorsâ itemâŠ.IDK,â Phil shrugged his shoulders.
âAnd yeah, whatâs mine is yours. Go ahead and use my straightener,â Phil said. Â
Dory collected action figures, and little figurines along with her various Barbies from around the world. She had a Dutch one, a Spanish one, and a British one. Michael was into the consoles and games part of  his genetics makeup. Soon, heâd probably be vlogging and making videos of his own.
A little while later, Dory came down the stairs, a curtain of her strawberry red hair was hiding half her face, and her arms were crossed as she was looking at the ground.
âIt was the Barbie I got for Christmas from Grandma Catherine,â Dory pouted, and she looked with tear filled brown eyes up at her two fathers.
âThe vintage one?â Dan prompted. Dory nodded, and her shoulders slumped a little.
âCâmon, letâs get some breakfast in you. Your Papa Bear is going to an important meeting at the YouTube office, and weâre driving you to school. Like usual. But I get to be here, and pick you up from school,â Phil outlined the plan for the day, as he took Doryâs shoulders and guided her through to the kitchen.
She allowed herself to be seated, and put both of her elbows on the table. Phil, gently pushed them off. She put her hands in her lap instead.
âDada!â She huffed. Whenever she was beyond angry that babyish word was uttered.
âI seem to remember a two year old of mine putting her Barbiesâ faces near our scented candles. The sprinklers came on, and it was a right mess,â Phil started, and turned his head to face her.
âI know. But I was two! Heâs thirteen,â Dory argued. She was the most laid back of them all.
The peacemaker. Michael was a bit hot headed, and yet he was always cracking jokes and things.
âHeâs also full of testosterone. Unfortunately Danâs predictions didnât come true and he didnât want to wear sparkly heels or a sparkling tutu,â Phil answered.
âWell at least he wasnât forced to identify himself,â Dory nodded.
âYouâll still have time to figure yourself out. You can do whatever you want. Within reason and no going to jail,â Phil said, placing a plate in front of his daughter.
Michael sauntered in a few moments later. Dory glanced up and gave a slight glare at her sibling.
âWhy did you destroy my priceless Barbie?â Dory bluntly asked, sounding a bit like Dan.
âIt was there, and the straightener was there, so I experimented,â Michael answered, as he dug into his own breakfast.
âStop teasing your sister,â Phil set down a third plate
. âSorry,â Michael said.
âYouâll have to replace it you know,â Dan came in straightening his tie, and leaning down a little, and over to kiss Philâs cheek.
âI will,â Michael said.
âWhatâs the important meeting about Papa Bear?â Dory asked.
Dan made a face, âAdult things.â
âEwwww,â Phil sympathised.
âWell youâre lucky they only wanted to see me about my content. I dunno why. I donât fuckinâ swear anymore. Which is a goddamned shame, because Iâm pretty damned good at swearing. Theyâre dumb asses sometimesâŠ.Kids, donât you ever repeat what I just said,â Dan wagged a finger at both of his and Philâs children.
âRepeat what?â Michael innocently asked.
âI didnât hear a thing,â Dory softly replied.
They finished their breakfasts, and hurried out the door.
âFirst things first, stay in school, eat the lunches, make friends, and no bullying,â Dan said as he white knuckled the steering wheel of their car, and tried to navigate London traffic.
âWe couldâve taken the Tube,â Michael piped up.
âDo you want to be in a cramped space and having weirdoes try to strike up a conversation with you? And wonder why the seats are so damp? My answer is âno you donâtâ,â Dan said, answering his own rhetorical question.
âWatch It Asshole! Learn How To Drive You Twat!â Dan yelled, his road rage rearing its ugly head.
âCalm down,â Phil tried to reassure his partner.
âDonât Tell Me To Fuckinâ Calm DownâŠ.â Dan retorted.
âYou know we couldâve hitched a ride with Uncle Martyn and Aunt Cornelia,â Michael interrupted again.
âTheyâre getting their flat ready for the new baby,â Phil said.
âOh yeah, I canât believe they adopted,â Dory answered.
âIâm gonna be the best uncle Ever!â Phil looked absolutely beatific, clasping his hands in front of him.
Meantime there was a Michael vs. Dory going on in the back seat.
âWatch it, Iâm gonna cream you,â Michael said through gritted teeth, as he moved his game about.
âItâs gonna be my victory!â Dory responded and she gritted her own teeth.
âWeâre neck and neck. Iâm about to toot you,â Dory said.
âDonât toot me, Iâm nearly up your butt,â Michael responded.
âPlease donât use those words,â Phil pleaded.
âItâs bad enough that we used those words before,â Dan shook his head and honked at another car that was daring to come into their lane.
âI win!â Dory raised her hands in victory.
âTomorrow you wonât be so lucky little sister,â Michael promised and punched her shoulder, in a playful way.
âOuch!â Dory punched him back.
âHey, hey, less being rough,â Phil intervened.
âAnd weâre at the school. Kiss-kiss, hug-hug. Stay in school. No being bullies, no being a smart-ass. Answer any questions the professors have for youâŠ.â Dan spouted as he unlocked the back door of the car, and the two put on their school backpacks.
âSo much for my social life,â Michael muttered.
He disliked school. He was always bored.
âI didnât know you had a social life,â Phil âinnocentlyâ said.
âWhatâs a social life?â Dan asked.
âBye kids!â Phil made the two give him a hug, and then their parents were gone.
âShit,â Michael muttered.
âDonât say that,â Dory went off to find her nerdy-geeky friends. Michael went to find his own group of friends.
As the tweens waited for Phil to pick them up, Dory felt a bit uncomfortable, and sticky. Why? She hopped off the concrete step, and went into some bushes. Michael, who was playing video games, Â didnât even see her go.
She felt her trousers, which thank goodness, were black so they didnât show anything. She drew her fingers towards her face, and gasped. She was bleeding. She was just about to go back to waiting when their car pulled up and Phil honked the horn. She hurried out of the bushes, and slunk into the backseat. She took out her phone and messaged someone:
âText me back! Emergency! Dory.â She put her phone back in her pocket, and started answering her dadâs questions about school.
âHow was it today? Anything exciting happen?â Phil asked.
âNot really,â Michael answered.
âNo,â Dory responded, which was unusual because she was usually a lot happier about being in school.
âAre you okay Dory?â Phil asked, a worried frown on his face.
âIâm fine. I think. IâŠ.â She looked out the window not finishing her sentence.
âYouâre not coming down with anything are you? Iâll take your temperature when we get to our house,â Phil continued.
âDada,â Dory sighed, and crossed her arms.
âAlright I wonât pry anymore,â Phil promised.
Luckily when they got to the house, Dan had gotten a ride home and was waiting for them, wearing his usual black attire and his hair was in waves again.
âHi Papa,â both children gave Dan a hug, whilst Phil kissed Danâs cheek, and hugged him tightly.
âIâve got to go to my room,â Dory nearly fled the scene.
âWhatâs up with her?â Dan asked.
Their usually semi-social daughter was not acting like herself. Presently a few rapid knocks and a ringing of their doorbell sounded. Phil went to open it, and came face to face with Cornelia and Louise.
âWhereâs Dorothy Cate?â Louise asked. She had always called Dory, Dorothy Cate.
âIn her room?â Phil gave his almost sister in law and best friend a confused look after ushering them inside.
âGreat! Cornelia? You got the stuff?â Louise asked.
âRight here. Weâll see ourselves through,â Cornelia said.
âAlrightâŠ.â Philâs voice trailed off. âIâm notâŠ.Are you? Whatâs going on?â Phil trailed behind the other two most important women in his life.
Nobody would ever replace Catherine.
âItâs personal and I donât think youâd fully understand it,â Cornelia answered and lovingly pinched Philâs cheek.
âOw,â Phil rubbed his cheek still looking confused. The two knocked simultaneously on the door.
âDorothy Cate?â Louise asked.
âWeâre here Sweetie,â Corneliaâs soft voice penetrated the wooden door.
It opened a crack and a brown eye peeked out.
âAunty Nikki, Louie? Come on inside,â She opened it wider for the two women.
âWeâve got the things, and Louise promised to help me teach you,â Cornelia said, as she shut the door in Philâs face.
âWhat is going on?â Phil knocked on the door, and jiggled the knob, but it was locked.
âCome on you can tell me,â Phil pleaded.
Cornelia stuck her head out and gave Phil an epically sisterly glare. âUnless you know anything about the female body, up to and including what we have to go through every month, then Iâll let you in. Until then, go find your partner,â Cornelia pointed towards the lounge.
âIs she? Are you here because sheâŠ.sheâsâŠ.OhâŠ.Oh...Ohhhhh!!!!â Phil put two hands to his mouth and then backtracked and went into the lounge.
âWell so much for not telling him,â Louise sighed as the two turned their attention back to Dory.
âHoneyâŠ.â Cornelia wrapped her niece into a tight hug. Louise went about taking the sheets off the bed.
âWill it hurt any less as I grow up?â Dory asked through tear filled eyes.
âNo,â Louise bluntly said.
âUnless you get pregnant, and then it goes away for a while,â Louise amended.
âLike when Darcy was a baby?â Dory gulped.
âWell in a way,â Louise nodded.
âNow youâll have to do something for us. Can you get to the big bathroom? Weâve added instructions on the lid of the box,â Cornelia handed Dory a bright blue box.
âIâll try. What are these?â Dory asked, as she inspected the box.
âTampons,â the ladies said in unison.
âIâll come with you. Iâll guard the bathroom, so no pesky boy will get near you,â Cornelia said in a decisive voice.
âBesides youâve got to collect the clothes Corey,â Louise added.
âIâll need a new outfit?â Dory asked.
âYes indeed. Pick out your favorite item of clothing to wear and new pants,â Louise instructed.
âAnd a towel, youâll need a shower, or a bath if you prefer,â Cornelia said, taking her nieceâs hand and kissing the top of her head.
âCome on then. Louise have you got it from here?â Cornelia asked as she led Dory out of the door. âOf course I do. Iâll even make the others toe the line,â Louise promised. âSee that you do,â Corneliaâs parting words were almost swallowed by the closing of the door.
They were met by three silent males. All watching hers and Doryâs movements.
âWe need to talk Nikki,â Dan said, his mouth in a firm straight line.
âIn a moment. Iâm a bit busy,â Cornelia nudged Dory inside the bathroom.
Just then Louise bustled through with the linens. âOut of the way boys!â Louise barrelled right through the threesome.
âWhatâs all the fuss about?â Dan asked.
âPhilly didnât tell you?â Cornelia was guarding the door to the bathroom now, daring any of the males to approach.
âUm Auntie Nikki?â A tentative voice made Corneliaâs head swivel towards the door.
âYes my Sweet?â Cornelia answered.
âI-Is there supposed to be a string attached to this thing?â the young girlâs voice held a wobble.
âYes,â Cornelia said.
âString? Attached to what?â Dan said, as Phil nudged him excitedly and still covering his mouth.
âAnd itâs supposed to be wedged where?!â The horrified voice raised an octave.
âOH MY GOD!â Dan blurted out as he too covered his face.
âI said as much!â Phil answered Danâs unspoken thought.
âSheâs Too Young!â Dan said, and walked away.
âSheâs old enough,â Cornelia grumbled.
There were now sounds of a bath being run, and Cornelia sighed with relief when the door opened again, and a tiny hand gave her a bundle of clothes.
âYouâve got your towel, your pants, and your outfit?â Cornelia asked.
âYes,â the small voice answered again.
âThen get cleaned up and Louise and Iâll see to you properly,â
Cornelia instructed, as she went to the laundry room and met up with Louise. Once in the laundry room she spoke to Louise,
âSheâs running a bath now.â
âGood. Poor darling. I know both of those boys got pregnant, but theyâre still boys and ignorant of the ways of the period,â Louise shook her head.
âMale understanding goes so far. Even if youâre a drag queen or whatever,â Cornelia said.
âHeaven help us,â Louise looked up to the sky for help.
âWell, letâs make sure the boys are okay and theyâre not weeping into ice cream or something,â Cornelia said in  a decided voice.
The two women exited the room, and they found themselves in the kitchen. Dan and Phil were tapping away on their keyboards, and Michael was playing the âancient X-Boxâ.
âThere you see? All is right with the world,â Cornelia said.
âDo you two even have any ice cream?â Louise was pawing through the freezer.
The two men simultaneously looked up from what they were doing, and they nodded in unison.
âThatâs so creepy,â Louise humphed.
âSomething right out of âThe Shiningâ,â Cornelia added in.
âLook weâll exchange ice cream for news,â Dan wheedled.
âAnd weâll throw in the spoon and bowl for free,â Phil added.
âThat didnât make any sense,â Dan eyed Phil speculatively.
âYour daughter is going through a tough time right now. Sheâs experiencing cramps, bloating and bleedingâŠ.And if youâve not caught on by now, I give up!â Louise threw her hands into the air.
âWe know. We just wanted to see how far youâd get into your explanation before youâd give up,â Phil grinned cheekily at one of his best girl mates.
âYouâre a cheeky one arenât you?â Cornelia pinched Philâs cheek again.
Phil rolled his eyes and rubbed at it.
Huddled in a corner of her room, a onesie on, Dory was contemplating life. She was shaken out of her reverie by an unsure knock on the door. Her father.
âDada?â She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
âItâs me,â Phil answered just as quietly.
She opened the door and Phil came inside. He found her in the Totoro onesie and he hugged her tightly against him.
âHow are you feeling?â Phil asked.
âCrummy,â Dory admitted.
He lifted her chin so that she was looking directly at him. To him, she would always be two years old. But the pain in her eyes wasnât something he could just kiss away this time. As a parent even he had limits.
âWhat you must be going through, I canât imagine. But Iâm here,â Phil tried.
âI know you are,â Her voice wobbled ever so slightly.
âAnd when it happens again, weâll be prepared next time,â Phil promised, and she hugged him this time, squeezing him. Not letting him go, and she started sobbing. Usually Dory wasnât one for sobbing uncontrollably, but Phil understood.
Even though he didnât have a biological sister, Cornelia had enlightened him, and there was that one biology class heâd been forced to take.
âYou have it much harder than I do; Iâll admit that, but youâre strong. Youâve got both the Howell genes and the Lester genes,â Phil said.
âI know Daddy. I know. But it hurts so bad,â Dory said.
âOh Sweet Pea...Letâs get some tea into you, and then weâll order pizza. Any kind. Howâs that sound? And Iâll scrounge up some chocolate for you. Or at least some hot cocoa,â Phil said, taking her hand in his, as if she were a toddler again.
âSounds good. Can we have pineapple on the top? You know half pineapple half pepperoni?â Dory asked.
âYeah,â Phil said. When they entered the dining room, Dory headed for Danâs now open arms.
âPapa Bear may we order some pizza?â Dory asked. âOf course we can,â Dan easily replied. She outlined what she wanted and Dan nodded. He went to the laptop and he put his order in.
An impromptu dance session was going on in the kitchen. The laptop was blaring McFlyâs âLove Is Easyâ.
âIf this is love, then love completes meâŠ.â Dan stood at the cooker and he hummed under his breath, as his whole body swayed.
âItâs so simple, feels so natural to me,â Phil sang, as he tossed the spices at Dan who, miraculously, caught them in mid air, and added the spices to the skillet.
âIf this is love, love, love, itâs the easiest thing to do,â Phil continued and squeezed Danâs shoulder.
âCareful Philly, itâs hot!â Dan smiled up at Phil, who neatly dodged the spatula.
âA simple equation, and no complication to leave me confused,â Dan picked up the song. They sang it in bits and pieces, their smiles getting bigger and bigger, and then Phil took Danâs hand and they danced about the kitchen.
âToday Iâm laughinâ the clouds away,â Dan started.
âI hear what the flowers say, and drink every drop of rain,â Phil continued.
âMy side of the grass is green,â Dan grinned, and then he took Phil by the waist and pulled him closer. They were starting to kiss, when the teens walked in.
âGet a room!â Michael started.
âActually we have several rooms. Some of which havenât been christened in a while,â Dan wryly answered, looking over Philâs shoulder.
âStop kissing?â Michael asked.
âNever,â Dan retorted.
âWeâll just let you two get on with it,â Dory pulled Michael out of the kitchen.
âI am so turned on right now,â Dan whispered in Philâs ear.
âForget dinner?â Phil asked.
âFor us. But we have two responsibilities,â Dan wavered.
âTheyâre thirteen. They can fend for themselves,â Phil suggested and raised an eyebrow.
âWhat the hellâŠâ Dan turned off the cooker and yelled down the hall,
âFEND FOR YOURSELVES!!!! And Do Not Come Find Me Or Your Dad, At Least Not For A While!â
âCâmon Daniel,â Phil dragged Dan to their master bedroom.
âAfter all, I am a bottom,â Dan said.
âNo youâre not, thatâs something you fabricated one night, and you were slightly intoxicated,â Phil replied, as he opened the door, and pulled Dan inside.
âGod, Iâve missed you,â Dan said.
âIâve been sleeping with you for fifteen years, you nutter,â Phil said, as they started kissing again.
âShut Up!â Dan said, and they started to take each othersâ clothes off, and then Dan guided Phil to their bed, as they tripped over air, they refused to stop their makeout session.
âYouâre so hot!â Phil breathed.
âDid I say you could talk?â Dan asked.
âNope,â Phil acknowledged.
âThen do as youâre told for once!â Dan was mock exasperated.
âYes your majesty,â Phil grinned up at him. They started kissing with fervor.
Meantime in Doryâs room:
âTheyâre so gross!â Michael was cross legged on the ground face in his palm, arm on his leg.
âIt shows theyâve got a healthy relationship,â Dory said, as she turned on her laptop and perused Facebook. Adrian, who had come out of hiding and had a few followers of his own was almost always online. Much to Danâs chagrin, for Dan was very protective of his side of the family.
Philâs side didnât mind.
In fact, Martyn and Cornelia were thrilled to have followers as well. Even, nowadays, Catherine shared recipes on her Facebook account. Dory went to Skype.
Adrian was on, and she rang him via video. Â âHey Squirts,â Adrian waved at the camera.
âHey Uncle Adrian,â Dory greeted.
âHi Uncle Adrian,â Michael also greeted.
âSo what are you two up to?â Adrian asked, as he took a sip of water.
âNothing much. Weâre in sort of lock down,â Michael said.
âWhat? Why?â Adrian asked.
âOur dadsâŠ.â Doryâs voice trailed off.
âOh. Ugh! I donât want that image in my head!â Adrian made a disgusted face.
âWithout them thereâd be no us,â Dory smiled.
âThatâs just not something I want to think about my brother doing,â Adrian wrinkled his nose some more.
âSame,â Michael nodded.
âSo besides escaping your parents, whatâs been going on?â Adrian asked, as he leaned forward to better conversate with his niece and nephew.
âOh nothing much. Just canât wait until Iâm old enough to leave,â Michael shrugged.
âHeâs being modest! Dad and Papa put him in a gifted class. Heâs less bored there,â Dory chimed in.
âDorothy!â Michael said, and blushed.
âWell if you arenât going to tell him I am,â Dory crossed her arms, and looked like Phil for just a moment.
âSheâs told you,â Adrian laughed.
âShe tells me off all the time,â Michael grumped.
She was usually the more talkative of the two.
Most of the time. Michael was more withdrawn, he would talk, and he wouldnât totally abandon his friends and make them talk. He was more of the silent observant type until he got to know a person, and then he would talk. A bit.
âI just canât believe at their age theyâre still âgoing at itâ,â Michael said. âWhen itâs true love, it canât be stopped,â Adrian shrugged.
âLike you and Matilda?â Dory asked. âExactly! Sheâs a great woman, and frankly, Iâd most probably be lost without her,â Adrian shrugged. The trio talked for a long while.
âBLURGH!â Dan was in the bathroom again.
âThereâs nothing left to sick up,â Phil was at his side, and he caught a side glare from Dan.
âDonât you think I know that by now? Iâve been dry heaving for hours. This is ridiculous,â Dan huffed, and back down his head went.
âIf youâd just take another test, Iâm pretty sure itâd be solved,â Phil wheedled.
âIf you donât want a smack round the head, I suggest you finish whatever youâre doing and leave. And wake up Dory and Michael,â Dan said.
âBesides itâs just the flu,â he tried to convince himself.
âItâs not the flu,â Phil said, though he was gone to check on the kids.
He roused them, and went back to his and Danâs adjoining bathroom.
âSo did you take it yet? I left it on the counter,â Phil was leaned up against the door front, his feet crossed and his arms crossed, looking quite sternly at his life partner.
Dan was sat on top of the toiletâs seat. âYes,â Dan softly answered.
âWhat? I canât hear you,â Phil smiled.
âI said yes,â Dan said, and he looked up with a troubled expression.
âAnd?â Phil dodged and caught the test that Dan grumpily threw at him. He gave a half-smile and looked back at Dan.
âDo you want to keep it?â Phil asked. Dan bit his lip, and looked back down at his hands.
âWeâve got two teens,â Dan started.
âYeah and theyâre old enough to help us out,â Phil argued for keeping the baby.
âBut two teens are already eating us out of house and home,â Dan started again.
âThey donât eat that much,â Phil argued again.
âThey eat enough,â Dan said. âDaniel, and Iâm only gonna call you this once, Sweetheart, remember weâve got money. Weâve invested. Weâve been clever with our savings. Weâre not running out. We can afford three kids. If you want to that is. She, er I mean, it, this tiny person will be loved by all. Not just by me, but Iâm pretty sure by everyone,â Phil determinedly said.
âSpoiled rotten most likely,â Dan was softening.
âItâs been ages since weâve had a little one about the house, and perk, itâll only be one this time. Not two,â Phil pointed out.
âThatâll be nice. Two were justâŠâ Dan heaved a sigh, which retracted his stomach and he gasped for air.
Phil steadied him and guided him to the bedroom.
âIâll be the most supportive partner I can be,â Phil said.
âI know you will. Itâs justâŠâ Dan put on his thinking face.
âItâs been a long while, possibly since you were twenty-five, that youâve had an existential crisis; I wouldnât blame you if one happened now. Take all the time you need, Iâll talk to Doctor Taran and make an appointment,â Phil outlined, and kissed Danâs temple.
âOkay,â Dan whispered.
âIt wonât be so bad,â Phil said, as he pulled out his mobile.
âHaving kids is actually sort of rewarding in the long run,â Dan amended.
âTheyâre not eighteen yet,â Phil smiled.
âThatâs true. When they do turn eighteen weâll throw a big party,â Dan said.
âAfter naptime,â Phil answered.
âRight, because of the little one,â Dan put a protective hand over his stomach.
Phil followed suit, and kissed his significant otherâs hand.
âItâll be fine. You should know by now that I wonât leave you in the lurch. Youâre stuck with me,â Phil said, as Dan gave him a grateful smile.
He arranged for an âemergency sonogramâ, and found his way back to Dan.
âHow dâyou feel now?â Phil asked.
âA bit better I reckon,â Dan answered and slid closer next to Phil. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, and put his head on the crook of Danâs neck, between where the shoulder blade met the head.
âItâll be fine,â Phil reassured again.
âHow are we gonna tell Dory and Michael?â Dan asked.
âThe same way we do with every big event that happens in our lives. An open and frank family meeting,â Phil answered.
âThen weâd better do it right now, before I need to go back into that room adjoining ours, and make a right mess of things,â Dan said.
âWot; now?â Phil asked, as his Northern accent escaped.
âYeah. Now,â Dan gave him raised eyebrows, which meant he meant business.
âAlright then,â Phil then went to find the kids. Dan was pacing, thinking about the supposed future outcome. They were almost in their forties, and by the time the kid reached eighteen, theyâd be fifty-eight, and fifty-four respectively.
Once the teens arrived Dan and Phil motioned for the two to sit. âMake yourselves comfortable,â Dan started and paced about the room.
âWe have some big news,â Dan continued.
âThis is it,â Michael mumbled.
âYouâre getting a divorce?â Dory put her hands over her mouth.
âWeâre not even legally married,â Dan stopped his pacing.
âAnd besides Iâd kick his butt if he tried to leave me,â Phil put in, a smirk on his face.
âItâs not official, and not yet confirmedâŠ.But, we think thereâs going to be another addition to the household,â Dan started.
âI think itâll be great,â Phil was all smiles.
âSays the one whoâs not carrying this time,â Dan huffed at him.
âBut we wonât know until tomorrow, with Doctor Taran,â Phil added.
âGreat talk. Go do whatever it was you were doing before you got called in here,â Dan shooed them out.
âIf you have any questionsâŠ.â Phil started, but the two were already out the door.
âI have a valid question, how the hell did we end up getting pregnant not once but three times?â Dan raised an ironic hand.
âI donât feel lucky. I feel like the universeâs out to get me,â Dan said. âItâs out to get us both,â Phil affirmed. âMoreso me than you,â Dan said.
The Next Day...Sonogram Time:
âYou know the drill, get up onto the table,â Doctor Taran directed with her pencil in one hand and her clipboard in the other. Besides having grown older by thirteen years, she was still the same. Same sensible bun, same scrubs.
She was just used to the men before her, by now.
âSo whatâs the gender this time?â She looked at Phil for confirmation.
âIâm not telling,â Phil held up his hands in a self defence motion.
âAlright then, Daniel, lift up your shirt,â Doctor Taran directed. Dan sighed, rolled his eyes and did as he was told.
âWow! Whatever sort of power you wield, I want it,â Phil cracked.
âSit down beside him you nutter,â Doctor Taran rolled her eyes.
âSheâs told you,â Dan put in.
âShut it you,â Doctor Taran spread the goop, and then the screen came to life.
âOh there we go. You were right,â Doctor Taran nodded and jotted something down on her clipboard.
âThird timeâs the charm?â Phil guessed.
âWhat? Youâre saying our older two arenât valid human beings?â Dan groused.
âHey Mr. Grumpy, I didnât say anything of the kind,â Phil countered.
âOh look at you. Always with the domestic arguments,â Doctor Taran nodded.
âLook at her! Even as a blob sheâs a cutie,â Phil breathed out, as he put both of his hands to his mouth, palms open.
âSpoilers!!â Dan complained.
âIâm sorry! I have this inane gift that I automatically know the genders. Itâs not my fault!â Phil answered.
âIt is. You know how I am about spoilers. I thought for once that I could be surprised,â Dan frowned.
âI mean, I said âsheâ, I was probably assigning genders again. That was my fault,â Phil backtracked.
âThatâs a bit better,â Dan acquiesced, and they kissed quickly.
âYou twoâŠ.Daniel wipe yourself off, and get the heck out of my office. Go on. Shoo!â Doctor Taran broke up their little tiny argument.
The guys did as they were told. They took the Tube back home, and once at their place, they decided to have another family meeting.
In the Family Meeting and afterwards:
âYes weâre having another kid. But youâre not going to know the gender, your dad knows; but heâs sworn to secrecy,â Dan said, and looked Phil up and down with squinted eyes, and a âVâ going from his eyes to Phil and back again.
âMy lips are sealed. No amount of torture will ever get me to reveal it. Not even tickling!â Phil declared.
âAnother kid. Thatâs just great, thatâs all we need around here,â Michael murmured, his arms crossed.
âI think itâll be nice. Iâll be an older sister. I can mold their mind, and teach them the ways of being a younger sibling,â Dory breathed out. Phil clapped her on the back.
âParentsâ pet,â Michael said.
âWell now that thatâs out of the wayâŠ. You two go and do your homework,â Phil prompted.
âLet your papa rest,â Phil continued. Dan was looking as pale as Phil with a hint of green around the edges.
âI do feel a bit funny,â Dan put a hand to his mouth.
âAlright to the bathroom you go,â Phil said, as the kids left the room.
Dan just waved him off as he disappeared back to the porcelain shrine. Phil followed and knelt beside him.
âIâd pull back your hair, but thatâs a futile effortâŠâ Phil decided to sit on the bathtub instead, becoming moral support. Dan raised a certain finger in the air, aimed at his significant other.
 âThank you,â Phil said in an unfazed tone.
âAsshole,â Dan muttered, as he finally stood and wiped his mouth off with a piece of toilet roll.
He also proceeded to brush his teeth, and popped in a mint.
âUgh! How could you stand the morning sickness with Dory? I feel woozy, and my stomach is swirling aboutâŠ.â Dan managed to make it back to the bed, and was lying on his side.
âI dealt with it, and had to remind myself who I was carrying. Some days I had to remind myself that I loved her very much,â Phil responded, lying on his own side and facing Dan; his hands under one cheek, and smiling encouragingly at him.
âI know about morning sickness. So Iâll help you in any way I can,â Phil said.
âTwo and a half months, and Iâm still not showing. Whereâs my pudge?â Dan poked at his stomach.
âSome babies develop differently. Donât poke too much, youâll give yourself a stomachache,â Phil said, handing Dan some ginger ale.
âThanks,â Dan sipped it from a straw.
âWant some savoury biscuits?â Phil asked.
âDâyou know that in America theyâre called âcrackersâ?â Dan bit off a corner.
âI did not know that,â Phil looked thoughtful.
âWell now you do. Are we doing solo videos this week or together ones?â Dan asked, his hands poised above the keyboard, he was in his usual crease, hunched over the laptop ever so slightly. So what if everything was holograms now? Sometimes laptops were the best pieces of equipment.
Try and drag him out of the early to later â00s so quickly. Let him have his habits.
âPretty soon youâll have something to rest your ancient laptop on. Just be thankful that we havenât announced our newest bundle of joy yet,â Phil said.
âThen thereâd be questions, haters, and people who are so creepy that you just want to crawl under the covers and hide,â Dan mused again, as he started typing.
âSolo ones, but then at the end of the week, weâll collaborate as usual. They want to see Dory and Michael,â Phil nodded, as he leaned over and kissed Danâs cheek.
âAlright then. Whoâs first? Â Weâve still got the one recording camera. Why donât we just splurge for a new one?â Dan asked.
âBecause theyâre becoming rare and expensive,â Phil was all about being frugal. Eight pounds was too much for him to spend, while Dan had sort of expensive tastes.
Top Man was his favorite online store.
âItâs Thursday. I said Iâd do one on Sunday, but Dory had her dance recital,â Phil said.
âAnd of course Michael is in drama class. Do you have a feeling theyâre pretty much the carbon copies of us when we were younger?â Dan asked.
âIn Michael? Yeah. But I envy Doryâs grace when she dances. I look like a hunchback when I dance, and I make weird faces,â Phil sighed and shrugged.
âLetâs just get the announcement out of the way,â Dan suggested.
âLook whoâs the non-procrastinator now,â Phil smiled indulgently at Dan.
âYeah-yeah,â Dan waved him off.
âWant to do it now?â Phil asked.
âLetâs wait a couple of weeks. I want to see if the baby will get longer. I want to wait until Iâm showing just a bit,â Dan decided.
âAlright whatever you want. Iâm going to go record. Need any snacks whilst Iâm up?â Phil asked, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
âIâve got savories, Iâve got ginger ale. Iâm fine. Leave the bottle out. Iâll probably pour some more into the glass,â Dan answered.
âOkay,â Phil nodded and he went out of the room. They still did private videos. Except they stayed out of their room until the other was finished. Even Michael and Dory knew not to interrupt. âHey Guys!â Phil waved excitedly at the camera.
Two and a half weeks later:
âThere we go, itâs a tiny pocketâŠ.I feel feetâŠ.OMG! Iâm going to cry,â Dan said, and wiped a tear from his eye.
âWell it looks as if theyâre finally longer. Ready for the big A?â Phil asked.
âBig A? Are you talking about my ass?â Dan looked behind him as far as he could.
âThe big Announcement,â Phil said in an excited tone, he was practically jumping up and down on the sofa cushion.
âAs ready as Iâll ever be,â Dan sighed.
âHere we goâŠ.â Phil turned on YouNow. They both took a deep breath.
âHey Guys! Hello,â Dan and Phil said at the same time.
âIf you havenât read the title, then youâll be pleased to know we haveâŠ.Drum roll pleaseâŠ.Good News!â Phil said, as he put his fists to his mouth smiling broadly.
âMichael and Dory already know,â Dan answered.
âThe reason theyâre not here is because theyâre still in school,â Phil answered a question.
âSo weâve got baby number three on the way,â Dan plunged right in.
âWay to take the surprise right out of it. I was going to tease them for a bit,â Phil pouted.
âWe can do that for the next surprise, tease the hell out of them,â Dan answered, patting Philâs knee.
âPhilâs the only one who knows the gender, but heâs under strict orders not to give it up. On Pain of Death!â Dan glared over at Phil, who held up his hands in a surrender gesture.
âMy lips are sealed. Until sh...the babyâs born!â Phil squeaked out.
Dan reached over and slapped his shoulder. Hard. âI told you to shut up,â Dan said in a semi-joking way.
âAlright. Alright. Moving on. Top fan isâŠ.â Phil read the top fans off. âYou win a gold sticker. You win a puppyâŠ.You win mismatched socksâŠ.â Phil was giving out weird gifts again.
âAn octopus,â Dan decided.
âOh good one!â Phil smiled.
An hour laterâŠ. âWell guys we have to feed Michael and Dory. See you later!â Dan said.
âBye Guys!â Phil said, covering the camera with his hands. They signed out.
âOh godâŠ.Iâm breathlessâŠ.Whew!â Dan breathed out.
âToo much? I knew we shouldnât have stressed you out,â Phil worried.
âIâm okay Phil. Itâs just nerve wracking as usual, but adding the pregnancy into the mix makes it doubly hard,â Dan tried to sound reassuring.
âAnyway weâve done it, you rest up. Iâll go putter for a bit,â Phil decided.
âOkay,â Dan went to the bedroom.
Thatâs how Phil knew he wasnât feeling well when he was submissive.
âI hope the little one doesnât come too early. We donât need stress right now,â Phil said under his breath. He made dinner, fed Michael and Dory, and then he brought in a plate for Dan.
A few weeks later another doctorâs appointment:
âWell the babyâs developing normally. Heartbeatâs regular, and any new developments?â Doctor Taran looked down at her clipboard, seeming to tick off boxes.
âIâve got massive morning sickness. Itâs moved to the afternoon,â Dan frowned.
âThatâs normal,â Doctor Taran nodded.
âI had it last time, now itâs his turn,â Phil nearly gloated.
âDonât gloat,â Doctor Taran and Dan said at the same time.
âAlright, things are good to go,â Doctor Taran decided, and handed Dan some tissues.
âGo on then. Get out of my sight,â Doctor Taran shooed them out.
âAny hint on gender?â Doctor Taran whispered to Phil. Phil rolled his eyes.
âIâll hit him if he tells,â Dan said.
âWhy do you always seem to be able to hear my private convos with Doctor Taran?â Phil cheekily asked.
âBecause Iâm a nosey twit,â Dan replied, as he pulled on his âNarutoâ jacket. Phil rolled his eyes and they drove home.
âIf I puke any more, Iâll go insane,â Dan said.
âIâm worried. You should be over it by now,â Phil said.
âWell, youâre the one who said that, âbabies develop differentlyâ. What if  Iâm carrying the devilâs spawn and itâs all your fault?â Dan questioned. He questioned everything in life.
âWhy would the devil impregnate you? Youâre a lowly YouTuber,â Phil tried to lighten the mood, and ended up ducking the shower gel that flew at his head.
âIâm pretty sure you made a midnight deal with Satan,â Dan said.
âThat was ages ago!â Phil protested, as he put the shower gel out of reach.
âDamn you and your rituals,â Dan said, as he made his way to the sink and brushed his teeth.
âSorry, Iâve learnt my lesson,â Phil said.
âI hope to whatever, that Iâm over this soon. Have you made any headway on the nursery? Weâre keeping it yellow, but I want it changed up a bit. And it needs to be repainted,â Dan outlined his plan for the space.
âIâll repaint it later this week, you can supervise,â Phil promised.
âI like supervising. Do we need to build the wardrobe?â Dan asked.
âNo, Iâm not letting you near a wardrobe, youâd probably, sick up something on it,â Phil said.
Dan gave him a hard glare. âIâm not a delicate fainting maiden,â Dan said, quoting something from one of their gaming videos.
âI didnât say you were. I just donât think you should move about too much until youâre past the morning sickness stage. If you ever get past it. Some people never get past that stagâŠ.â He was interrupted by a hand over his mouth.
âYeah. Thank you, Iâm pretty sure Iâll get past it at some point,â Dan said, as Phil mumbled against his hand.
Dan removed the hand, and they resumed their ideas on the space.
âYou know Doctor Taran says thereâs a procedure that will stop us from having kids,â Phil ventured.
âI know. But itâs risky,â Dan said.
âSheâs performed it before,â Phil said.
âAs much as I trust her, and I do trust herâŠ.I donât know,â Dan said.
âBecause maybe this is the end, and maybe our bodies will just know and shut âitâ off?â Phil ventured again.
âLet me think about it. You know Iâll have to be cut open again. Although the scars are fabulous, and worth it, I just donât want to have to keep getting cut open. But for now, let us get through thisâŠ.â Dan gestured.
âFinally I can eat toast again,â Dan had found a nice recipe for French Toast, and though Phil didnât really like the egg mixture, he had added the cinnamon into it for a âdash of flavourâ, he had to admit that french toast wasnât so bad.
âSyrup or that fancy sugar, not the granulated kind but the other kind,â Dan said, as he finished.
âYeah, itâs a filling breakfast,â Phil conceded.
âIsnât though? The berries top it off just so,â Dan said.
âDefinitely,â Phil replied. The teens werenât awake just yet, as it was Saturday and they were allowed to sleep in.
âYou know we havenât played Sims-4 in a while,â Phil commented.
âRight, and since Dilâs had the baby, its mystical powers have been unequalled,â Dan answered.
âWell Evan and Dab bonded over it,â Phil said.
âAnd I think it gave them a wealth of knowledge,â Dan said.
âWell Dab stopped needing to do homework. Glad you convinced me to keep it,â Phil smiled.
âLike you convinced me with this one?â Dan indicated with an eyebrow raise.
âI did no such thing,â Phil looked mock offended.
âAnyway, to answer your weird train of thought, weâll play Sims4,â Dan said. âYay,â Phil grinned.
Video wrapped and in the midst of being edited:
âLooking back on the saga of Dil, Tabs, Dab, and the Pancakes, this has been a pretty fun series.
âNobodyâs died, alien abductions have been  a rare occurrence. Dilâs still a bit of a flop sometimes,â Phil nodded.
âAnd weâre still getting enjoyment out of being, âmasters of a universe,â Dan replied.
âI mean raising kids is like raising Sims,â Phil nodded.
âSaid nobody ever,â Dan retorted.
âThink about it for a minute, follow my train of thought. They have their own languages, their own way to dress, theyâre sentient yes, but we have to guide them through their lives. And when theyâre old enough, we send them off to University and hope for the best, but they always come back home. At least for a visit. And they fall in love, they get married, and the cycle of life continues,â Phil started.
âYou thought really long and hard about this statement didnât you?â Dan raised an eyebrow at Phil.
âI guess so. But thatâs just how my brain works,â Phil lightly responded.
âYouâve got a strange mind my friend,â Dan said.
âIn a way so do you,â Phil was unapologetic.
âBeing around you has made me extra weird,â Dan shrugged.
âThereâs nothing to add,â Dan said. Phil pursed his lips and shook his head, then it was fully silent, as they slow kissed each other, and held onto each other. Then the teens showed up from schoolâŠ.
âOof!â Dan righted himself as he hobbled towards the adjoining bathroom.
âBaby, youâd better be worth it,â Dan muttered to himself. Â
âThis kicking me in the bladder isnât gonna go any easier on me for the next four months is it?â Dan asked, as he did what he was supposed to do, and his stomach started rumbling.
âGreat, more bladder hockey, and now you want me to feed you? I reckon,â Dan mumbled.
He sauntered out into the kitchen.
âFuck,â Dan hissed under his breath.
It was only nine in the morning. Not even Phil was awake this early. Usually they met in the kitchen around midday, except when it was a school day. Which it was not.
âItâs not even a school day,â Dan sighed, but he adhered to the rumblings and went in for some cereal.
âI actually have some cereal?â Dan peered into the box.
âI made me some toast and orange marmalade. I think. I dreamt I made it. I mightâve made it earlier then dreamt that I made it again. I donât know, I wasnât nearly awake this morning,â Phil tripped into the kitchen and poured some coffee into his mug.
âWhat time?â Dan asked, as he swallowed another spoonful of cereal.
âI think it was four,â Phil replied. âHuh. Okay. Your brainâs weird,â Dan said. Â âJust like the rest of me,â Phil conceded. Dan finished his bowl, and he padded to the lounge. Time for some social media.
âTime is...Ticking away, tick tick ticking awayâŠ.â Dan hummed under his breath; he was resting his laptop on his protruding stomach and trying to read the screen.
âIf this is love love love,â another voice said from beside him.
âThatâs not even the same song,â Dan huffed out.
âI think it goes well,â Phil said, and put a hand on Danâs stomach.
âDonât! Youâll upset it,â Dan said.
âWhatâll I upset? The baby or the laptop?â His boyfriend looked genuinely confused.
âOh,â Phil put his hand on Danâs knee.
âThank you, important business,â Dan said, and settled against the mountain of pillows behind him.
âStomachâs rumbling. What time is it?â Dan looked at his laptopâs screen again.
âOne forty-five,â he nodded.
âFood time?â Phil was sat up again.
âFood time,â Dan answered.
âIâll get one of the slavesâŠ.er one of the kids to whip something up,â Phil said.
âOr ask them,â Dan suggested
. âAlright then,â Phil said, and exited the room. In an hour and a half, Dan was feasting on sandwiches, crisps, and some Ribena, and water.
âGotta stay hydrated,â Three voices said as they presented him with the sumptuous array of food. Dan looked at his little family.
Times like these, he was actually happy to have them all milling about. He was happy that Michael and Dory were becoming well adjusted adults, and curious about his and Philâs âfamily businessâ. Michael especially seemed keen on learning about editing and making videos. Dory seemed to be a more of  the âbehind the scenesâ person, but was also learning how to make quality video content and editing whenever necessary.
âThanks,â Dan addressed the family and took a few bites.
They left him to it. He opened his laptop and perused the media.
âWeâre lucky,â Dan said more to himself and the duvet then to anything outside of those perimeters.
âYeah we are pretty lucky,â the bed dipped as Phil sat on the foot of it.
âHowâd you hear me?â Dan asked.
âIâm stealthy. Like a ninja,â Phil said.
âOh yeah. Totally like a ninja, you surprise your enemies, and scare the hell out of your ânearly-husbandâ and children,â Dan retorted.
âThis oneâs going to be our last,â Dan continued in a decisive tone.
âDoes that mean surgery for the both of us? Doctor Taran said it was a risky procedure,â Phil looked worried behind his glasses.
He had forgotten to get more contacts, plus he was due for an eye exam anyway. So he just whacked on his glasses. To be honest he looked hellâa cute in his glasses. Dan licked his lips and pushed the laptop slightly out of the way.
âWe havenât had proper sex in a while, and Iâm feeling, well Iâve got that feeling,â Dan tried to sound sensual and ended up sounding like a Grade A flop.
âHormones,â Phil tried to look annoyed as he looked up at the ceiling.
âDamn right. Take your glasses off, lock the door, and letâs make the bed all messyâŠ.I wanna do itâŠ.Sims style,â Dan answered.
âIf I take my glasses off first, Iâll be too blind to see the lock on the door,â Phil said, but he had gotten off the bed, and locked it.
âNo interruptions,â Phil said.
âGood. Get your ass over here,â Dan had deposited the laptop a safe distance away.
Phil fell on top of Dan and the two feverishly made out, the clothes mysteriously disappeared, and soon, the duvet was moved down all the way to the foot of the bed. Phil had put his glasses on top of the laptop, so they wouldnât get crushed.
âGod I love you,â Dan breathed out.
âI love you too,â Phil wrapped his arms around Danâs body, admiring the bump.
âYouâre just the right amount,â Dan breathed out again.
âWhatever that meansâŠ.â Philâs voice trailed off.
âShut up,â Dan ordered. And so it happenedâŠ.
Both were wrapped in a tight embrace, quite moist, but neither were complaining about it.
Though they couldnât get too close, but it was fine. They had explored every inch of their bodies. Each admiring every scar, every new bruise, every cut that had happened. The romance was still certainly alive, underneath the bantering, the pseudo arguing, and the few times theyâd actually gotten angry or tired of each other. As it happened, even âlong datingâ couples needed their space.
But it was a rare occurrence for them. They barely argued, and when they did it wasnât for very long. Theyâd always end up Skyping, or Facetiming. They were never far apart. Had never been. Ever since Dan had confessed, and Phil had been shocked, but he too had admitted to it. They had made sure that they were ready. They hadnât rushed into it.
Being best friends first, theyâd had to plan everything out. And itâd worked.
âTwenty-one years, youâd think weâd get tired of having this,â Phil muttered.
âYouâd think so, but every time we do this, I find something new and exciting,â Dan answered, kissing the little dip in Philâs neck.
Phil gave him a half smile and pushed Danâs curls back.
âSame,â Phil simply answered.
âStop playing with the hair, itâs too moist,â Dan shook his head, and a few beads of moisture landed on Philâs neck. Phil made a face and took a tissue from the bedside table and wiped his neck off.
âSorry,â Dan said, and kissed Philâs nape.
Phil returned the favour, nibbling on Danâs earlobe. They went back to just making out.
The baby decided at this moment to give a gentle kick, when they had no distance between them.
âOhhh, the baby wants us to acknowledge its presence,â Phil said, and put a soft hand on Danâs stomach.
âJealous little twat,â Dan smiled, and also looked at his stomach, slowly they made eye contact with each other.
âSpoiled is the word I think youâre looking for,â Phil corrected.
âAnd loved. Exceptionally loved. I have a feeling that Dory and Michael will be the surrogate parents, especially Dory, I have a feeling sheâll take on the âmumâ role. I mean I wonât assign her to it. I donât know. I justâŠ.Have this feeling. You know?â Dan said.
âI always know what youâre saying, or trying to say,â Phil nodded, and smiled, as they both looked deeply into each otherâs eyes.
âUGH!â Dan flopped his head back onto the pillows mounted behind his back and head. He gritted his teeth. âI canât Move!â He pushed himself up onto his elbows and tried to maneuver a bit.
âHeh, hah, eeeâŠ.Nope! Phil?â Dan reached over and shook Philâs shoulder.
âWhat is it?â Phil asked.
âI need to move, and I canât,â Dan said.
âWhy do you want to move?â Phil sleepily asked.
âBecause I need to wee,â Dan said, and punched Philâs shoulder to wake him up some more.
âOh,â Phil stood and then went to Danâs side of the of the bed and held out his hand, which Dan took and they headed to the loo.
âHow many more months? Sixteen?â Dan groused.
âOnly two? I feel like Iâve been pregnant for twelve years,â Dan sighed, and then he looked at his joggers and back at Phil.
âOh! Iâm sorry,â Phil helped Dan remove his trousers.
âThank you,â Dan said, and Phil turned his back, and waited.
âSHIT! FUCK! DAMN! PHIIILLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!â Dan called out.
âWHAT?! Iâm in the same room as you. Maybe I should get you a bell to ring,â Phil mused, as he walked over to Danâs side of the bed.
âA bell? Youâd really let me ring a bell?â Dan looked pleased with the prospect.
âHell no,â Phil wrinkled his nose.
âFine, I need to wee again, and then you can help me into my Browsing Position,â Dan emphasised the last two words.
âOf course âWinnieâ,â Phil said, and they went towards the loo again.
âOne day I wonât be so fat,â Dan said.
âYouâre not fat. Youâre carrying a kid. Thereâs a big difference,â Phil said, and rubbed Danâs shoulder.
âHelp me?â Dan asked, and he sounded plaintive, almost younger.
âYouâre slipping back into your eighteen year old voice.
âWell Iâm sorry, itâs been thirteen and a half years since I was pregnant. Itâs hard,â Dan muttered.
âI know, and itâs hard seeing you like this. But trust me, the end result is well worth it,â Phil tried to soothe.
âShut up,â Dan sighed.
âSorry Babe,â Phil said, and turned his back for Dan to have privacy.
âShit, I canât even stand,â Dan squatted.
âEw,â Phil said. âNo comments from the peanut gallery,â Dan ordered.
âSorry,â Phil sighed, and he zipped his lips. Finally they climbed back into bed.
âWeâre Late! Open Up!â There was frantic knocking on the door.
âOMG!â Phil covered his mouth with his palms. âShoot, shoot, shoot, Iâm coming, Iâm cominâŠ.OUCH!â Phil tripped over trying to put on his jeans.
âAre you okay?!â Dan said.
âIâm fineâŠ.Iâm almost ready!â Phil answered Danâs question, and tried to appease the two teens outside their door.
âOkay, get me the keys and weâre off,â Phil said to the door again.
He leaned over and kissed Dan, and then the baby bump.
âIâll be back in a bit!â Phil called over his shoulder and then he was gone. Dan sighed and reached for the laptop that was always in reach.
He opened it up to Word, and typed: âI Can Not Wait For This Kid To Come Out!â
âIâm a blimp! I waddle! I hate LIFE!â Dan gritted his teeth and tried to stand up away from the sofa, he wobbled, and then futilely grasped for the sofa arm, and fell to his knees. âPHILIP MICHAEL LESTERRRR!!!!â
âDaniel James Howell, almost Lester!! I told you to Stay Put! Which part didnât you understand? I said Iâd make a light lunch, and then come back and get you,â Phil sighed, and pulled Dan up with minimal effort.
âOw! For fuckâs sake,â Dan muttered.
âStop mumbling,â Phil implored, and ducked a slap to his head.
âHey now!â Phil gently led him to the dining room.
âI am not weak!â Dan gritted out.
âOf course youâre not weak. Youâre the strongest human being I know,â Phil soothed.
âI will so crack this pepper pot over your hench head!â Dan gritted his teeth.
âYou wouldnât dare!â Phil wryly said.
âTry me,â Dan answered in kind and picked up the pepper pot.
âHey!â Phil put up a palm in surrender.
âOkay, Okay, I wonât rescue you anymore. You just try and stand by yourself. You try and go to the loo solo. Iâm just going to stand idly by and raise our teens by myself,â Phil cracked.
âJust because Iâm bigger than London itself does not mean you can make me feel bad about being an absentee parent. Iâm incubating life here!â Dan put down the pot, and pointed at his protruding stomach.
âIâm not even going to acknowledge what you just said about me,â Dan said.
âWell hereâs lunch. Enjoy,â Phil tried to make an effort.
âHow many more months?â Dan asked.
âOne and a half, give or take a few weeks,â Phil was starting to have flashbacks to when he was pregnant with Dory and she was overdue by a month and a half.
âI just hope you go into labour on your due date and arenât late,â Phil muttered.
âI hope so too,â Dan answered, and patted Philâs hand encouragingly.
âYouâre a nutter,â Phil said.
âI know, but you kinda made me this way,â Dan answered.
âYouâre also my number one stalker,â Phil said.
âI am Number One Phil Trash !â Dan said, and put a pointer finger to the air.
âYouâre incorrigible. Itâs a good job youâre cute,â Phil said.
âIâm handsome. Youâre the cute one,â Dan answered.
âActually Iâm still the âball of sunshineâ,â Phil said and tucked in.
âMmmm only to you,â Phil said.
Dan was puttering about the kitchen. The kids were in school, and Phil had to go to a meeting. Heâd been worried about leaving Dan, but it was an important meeting. One that had to be handled that day. âIâll be fine,â heâd said.
Phil had crinkled his brows in a worried way. âIf youâre sure? You call me the minute you go into labour,â Phil instructed, kissing him on the way out.
âIâll be fine,â Dan answered to Philâs disappearing back.
âIâm just fine. Weâre just fine; arenât we little one?â Dan asked to his stomach.
Then when heâd felt the kick, he smiled and had scrounged up something to eat. But something wasnât right. And then he felt it. He rang Philâs mobile. It went directly to voicemail.
He texted, â999â then he forcefully slammed the phone on the table and doubled over. He made his way to a chair and panted hard. This wasnât good. He tried to do some breathing exercises.
âOkay lamaze class that I went to one time, come and refresh my brain particlesâŠ.Brain particles? What the actual fuck did I just say? Whatever just refresh my memory. Breathe out and then in? Or the other way round? I donât fuckinâ know! Jesus fruckinâ poop on fookin poop shit,â He bit out.
âIâm fine! Iâm good. This is norâŠ.Mal!â Just then there were pounding footsteps and Phil was by his side.
âI cut the meeting short! Is it finally time?â Phil caught his breath as Dan feebly nodded.
âThought so. I called the ambulance, I hope they get here fast,â Philâs words rushed out in a torrent. âI hope so toooooâŠ.FUCKINâ ASSHOLE OF A STOMACH! GET ME SOMEWHERE COMFY!â Dan painfully yelled.
Phil led him to the sofa. âI called Susan and my mum,â Phil spoke softly.
âWhat for?â Dan asked.
âTo pick up Dory and Michael,â Phil answered.
âOh. Yeah,â Dan ground his teeth.
âYour dentistâs gonna be so angry at you,â Phil worried.
âForget my fuckinâ dentist!â Dan said, just as the ambulance arrived.
They arrived at the hospital in record time. This time Dan didnât mind the pain, didnât get squeamish when he was opened up like a side of beef again. He knew it would be worth it. âDo you want to know the gender now?â Doctor Taran asked.
âSure,â Dan said through hazy pain.
âLet me present your daughter,â Doctor Taran answered and laid the baby down on Danâs chest.
âCut the cord Lester,â Doctor Taran commanded.
âYep,â Phil said, and did as was required.
âSheâsâŠ.Beautiful,â Dan whispered. The baby had red and brown hair mixed, making natural highlights in her hair.
âWouldnât it be really remarkable if she had one tri-coloured eye and one brown eye? Itâs hereditary. But it only happens in the females on my side of the family,â Phil mused, as he stroked the babyâs head.
She opened her eyes and blinked up at the two men in her life.
âWelcome to the world Baby,â Dan whispered as he kissed her cheek.
She cooed and then, when she realized where she was, she let out a cry.
âOh good her lungs are working. Letâs get her cleaned up shall we?â Doctor Taran said, taking the baby.
âWeâll just stay here and hash out names,â Phil said, turning to Dan, after theyâd sewn him back up.
âIâm stuck for names,â Dan protested.
âI was thinking, and Iâve had nine plus months to think about it. Plus I saw it on a baby website, and if you agree, then I think itâd be just the name for her,â Phil said.
âWell? Go on,â Dan prodded.
âFiona Blyss. Blyss because sheâll really make us happier just by adding her little soul to the world, and doing god knows what, and Fiona. Not only for Shrek, but because itâs like a warriorâs name. If sheâd been a boy I wouldâve wanted to call her Thor Philip,â Phil answered.
âItâs fuckinâ lucky she turned out not to be a Thor. Although Iâm not against Diana for Wonder Woman,â Dan answered.
âThor Philip Lester-Howell. Think about it,â Phil said.
âWeâll call our dog Thor. If we ever get one,â Dan said.
âYay!â Phil said. Dan rolled his eyes and puckered his lips. They shared a celebratory kiss, and then the swaddled baby somehow ended up in Philâs arms whilst they rolled Dan to a recovery room.
âI love her so much,â Dan said through the drug filled haze he was now overcome with.
âWe all love her,â Phil reminded him.
âI know, butâŠ.Now my tummyâs still pudgy but empty, and I donât know what to do now,â Dan yawned.
âTry and sleep,â Phil suggested.
âMake sure she doesnât get abducted,â Dan yawned again.
âIâll defend her from everything, even malicious aliens,â Phil promised.
âThanks Phil,â Dan answered and fell asleep.
âWell Kiddo, guess itâs just you and me,â Phil said, and bounced her a bit.
âYouâre now stuck with us. For life,â Phil clarified. Fiona just blinked at him and yawned.
âI guess it has been a big day for you,â Phil conceded and put her in the plastic cot next to Dan. Phil leaned his head against the top of the chair and dozed off, until it was time to tell the birth certificate person all the details. Then they put Fionaâs footprints on the end of the certificate. And it was official. The Lester-Howell clan was complete.
Dan was fully recovered and had scheduled his âother surgeryâ five months ahead. He wanted to be fully healed, and besides Phil had cleared their diaries. The nurse wheeled him to the entrance of the hospital, and Phil pulled up in their van. He got out and jogged to the entrance, helping the nurse push the wheelchair. Dan was still stiff, and Phil helped him inside.
When he was buckled in, Dan looked in the rearview mirror. âThey all came?â Dan asked, as he looked at Dory who gave him a smile and blew him a kiss.
Michael, who just waved and went back to his film, and little Fiona who was sound asleep.
âSheâs been cranky,â Phil admitted.
âWe didnât really have much time to bond. It took me a few more days than last time to recover from the C-Section,â Dan answered.
âI know, but Dory and Michael have been helping out quite a lot. And you were right. Doryâs been fussing over her like a tiny mum. Itâs so cute to watch,â Phil said.
âI had an inkling,â Dan answered as they headed for home.
âAnd the bedâs been big and empty. I couldnât sleep without you, which is lucky because the babyâs been up all night too. I donât mind. She likes it when I sing random songs to her,â Phil kept the chatter up, and Dan nodded and answered at every pause.
It was nice to be going home, back to a routine. Introducing little Ona to the world. Heâd decided on her nickname.
âI was thinking of a nickname for the baby,â Dan said as Phil seemed to pause for a few breaths.
âYeah? Me too,â Phil replied.
âOn the count of threeâŠ.â Dan started.
âFi!â Phil said, just as Dan said, âOna!â
âBoth are really cool nicknames,â Phil conceded.
âWell you can call her âFiâ and Iâll call her âOnaâ,â Dan said.
âThanks Dan for not saying my name for her was stupid,â Phil said.
âCos it isnât,â Dan said, as they pulled into the driveway.
They settled the baby back into her cot, and the older ones disappeared upstairs and into the library. Dan and Phil were alone.
âInternet! How Iâve missed thee,â Dan said and hugged his laptop, just as Phil came in with his ancient device.
âOh, I see how it is. You didnât miss me at all?â Phil sat beside him, and plugged in to a socket.
They turned on the devices and soon Dan was announcing the babyâs arrival and statistics onto Twitter. Phil added in his congratulations and of course the Phandom went wild with Congratulations and happy vibes.
âWe need to do a collab, A.S.A.P,â Phil said, turning to Dan.
âI know, we will,â Dan promised. âGood,â Phil nodded in turn. There was a cry. âYouâre on âDaddy Dutyâ, â Dan winked at Phil. âThanks,â But Phil was secretly happy that he took charge.
Two men of nearly equal height were trying, desperately trying, to decorate a cake, while a little five year old girl with streaks of red and brown, curly, long hair, and one blue eye, and one brown eye, ran about their legs waving a wand, and wearing a sparkling jumper and equally sparkling tutu.
âGo find Thor!â Dan said, as he caught the back of the childâs jumper and her limbs flailed in the air the ribbon on the star shaped wand flitting here and there, as she giggled up at her Papa.
âOtay Mumma,â She gave him a somewhat slobbery kiss on the cheek.
âHi Daddy! She waved with a noodly hand in Philâs direction.
âYes! Because you is Mumma, and he is Daddy,â She answered, and showed a gap-toothed smile.
âJust go get your dog, and go outside, so we can bring the cake out, you little nutter,â Dan said, and gently set the child down.
She giggled, and then hugged their legs.
âThor-Bor!â She yelled and a little beagle answered her call.
âThor-Bor!â She said, and picked the little dog up. She marched outside and joined the rest of her party.
âWhew!â Phil said as he put the last of his icing on the cake.
âAlmost. Done,â Danâs tongue peeked out and with a flourish the cake was finished.
âLetâs present the cake,â Dan said, and the two carried it out to the party table.
It was decorated quite nicely with balloons hanging on the end.
âCâmon Ona! Time to blow the candles out,â Dan said, as the little girl ran up to the table just in time.
She sat at the head of the table.
âMake a wish,â Phil encouraged. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, and grinned big.
âFwoosh!â she blew out the candles.
She looked around her, there was Dory, and Michael, and Louise, and CorneliaâŠ.Martyn, Susan, Adrian, Catherine, Nigel and everyone else sheâd ever met. She waved with her wand.
âI, Princess Fiona Banana Fanna NiNona, grant you all to be at my Birfday Party!â She said.
âThank you Princess,â was the greeting.
âHappy Birthday Fiona,â Dory said, and blew her baby sister a kiss. Fiona giggled and âcaught itâ.
Michael thrust a present at her.
âOh Tank you Mikey,â She said and eagerly tore into the package.
âOoooo A camera!â She said, and Dan took it from her.
âIâll teach you how to use it,â Dan whispered in her ear.
âWe both will,â Phil whispered in her other ear, making her giggle. The rest of the day went by very happily.
Fiona Blyss Lester-Howell was five, and had the rest of the world laid out before her. She was able to do anything and everything she set her mind to. She would do great things with her life. Much like Michael, and Dory. This tale is now able to end.
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