ok here’s my unhinged headcanon: ilya rozanov is jackie pike’s secret celebrity crush, the one she tells the other wags about while she tells hayden it’s chris hemsworth
but then, it turns out the godfather to their children shane hollander has been fucking him since BEFORE their rookie season and suddenly she’s meeting said celebrity crush.
jackie manages to stay mostly cool, but then ilya organizes all her children in some wild backyard game with rules she cannot possibly comprehend, and when ilya catches her staring, he winks from across the lawn and her entire body flushes.
ilya picks up on a ~vibe~ and finally decides to test his theory during an ill-fated game of truth or dare at the cottage while the pike children are sleeping over at david and yuna’s for the night
ilya (smirking, eyes glinting): jackie, if you had to fuck another hockey player besides your husband, who would it be?
jackie side-eyes hayden, like 🫢
hayden, unaware that the trajectory of his life is about to shift dramatically, leans back and takes a sip of his beer, shrugging because he is curious.
jackie mumbles something incoherent, face bright red as she turns towards shane.
ilya raises an eyebrow: jackie, would you like to fuck my husband?
jackie: not exactly….
hayden is mega confused, ilya knows exactly what he’s doing, and shane is trying to stay completely still to blend in with the monstera plant behind him.
a few heated seconds pass, as hayden looks from his wife, to ilya, back to his wife, and then to shane.
the gears are turning, and they speed out of control very fast. he drapes an arm around jackie’s shoulders.
hayden: it’s him, isn’t it, babe?
jackie (fighting for her life against simultaneous embarrassment and desire): my celebrity crush might NOT actually be chris hemsworth...
ilya: HA! see pike, even your wife wants to fuck me!
hayden (now he’s the one smirking): i’ll let you fuck my wife if you let me fuck your husband.
jackie and ilya both turn to shane with wide, eager eyes, and shane can’t tell if ilya’s more excited about fucking hayden pike’s wife or watching shane get fucked by his best friend.
now SHANE is blushing and he rolls his eyes but nods eagerly before finishing the rest of his drink
before IT happens, ilya pulls shane in for a gentle yet posessive kiss.
ilya: are you sure about this?
shane, once again rolling his eye bc they’ve had threesomes before and this is basically the same thing: are YOU sure about this?
ilya pretends to think about it for a few seconds: mmmm, i think, yes, but no kissing on the lips
(he turns to glare at Hayden, who’s arranging his wife in the center of hollanov’s king-sized bed.
ilya: no one kisses my shanya but me.
and then he pulls shane back in for a kiss, murmuring something before nudging shane towards hayden
shane takes three long strides and then drops to his knees at the foot of the bed
and now hayden is like 🫢 but ilya is like 🤪 bc he knows how good his husband is, but he also knows how good HE is
and from there i imagine it would quickly devolve into a competition as to who can make their assigned pike come first
it’s ilya, but only barely, because hearing his wife like THAT for ROZANOV???? is actually kind of hot when he’s balls deep in shane’s throat
LMFAO i have been so focused on my novel and now i’m like fuck. what now. maybe i’ll fuck around and write some fanfics in the meantime
