People don’t tell you when you’re young that it’s not always easy to tell that you’re a lesbian.
For one thing, they always make it seem like lack of attraction will feel like obvious repulsion instead of apathy or discomfort. If the thought of dating or sleeping with men doesn’t make you queasy, then you can’t be a lesbian! You’re at least bi.
For another, womanhood is constant discomfort. When you’re dating a boy, are you uncomfortable because your clothes are uncomfortable? The makeup you’re wearing? Your constant negative feelings about your body? All 3? The way any of these things make him look at you? The pressure to have sex (regardless of it being with a man)? The pressure to not have sex (regardless of it being with a man)? The distinct feeling you’re not really being seen or listened to? Or are you uncomfortable because it’s a boy you’re dating? Or (likely) some combination of these? Will you even /recognize/ the discomfort when you’ve lived in it so long and when there’s the counter-feeling of being perceived as normal and socially acceptable which sometimes masks it?
Trying to pick apart what’s causing these feelings is so hard. Is it a real crush or did you just pick a boy to feel normal? Do you want /him/ to kiss you or just to have your first kiss?
Often the thing that frees us is loving women and recognizing how different it feels. But even that gets complicated! Internalized homophobia can make you feel shitty too.
So, if you’re a lesbian who used to date or sleep with men, you’re so normal. There’s such an intense pressure to be with men that it’s amazing any of us ever figured it out.
If you’re a trans lesbian congratulations! Reckoning with gender and figuring out if you’re a lesbian is doubly hard and something us cis lesbians will never fully comprehend.
If you’re questioning whether you might be a lesbian, listen to yourself and your body. See if you can distinguish between feeling good and feeling approved of; between the causes of discomfort. And, if you’re really lost but know in your heart of hearts you just wish you were a lesbian, you probably are. Embrace it. We love you just as you are.
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