[flowerss7]

I remember you. How could I forget you ? You're the one who made me feel so much things. I could never forget you, you made me realise who I really was. You also destroyed me. It wasn't your fault, I don't blame you, you know. I forgive you but I don't forget. You made me feel good and you made me feel bad. How could you do this ? I love you and I hate you. I remember you. I will never forget you. I don't want to see you ever again. I still love you.

[flowerss7]

Hello ! I know this is long, you don't have to read it if you don't want to, I'm mostly writing it for myself. Also there might be typos, I don't really feel like checking right now :/

I think no one had a perfect childhood. Some people got more lucky than others though. This is just my story.

I had a few neighbors, including 4 children (well actually 5 but only 4 of them appear in the story): two siblings (a girl a year younger than me and a boy two or three years older) who I'll call the sister and the brother, a girl my age who will be called my friend (even though it's arguable) and a boy three years younger than me, I'll call him the youngest.

There are actually 4 stories. All happened when I was younger than 10.

1: The siblings and I never really liked each other. I mean, I didn't hate them but they were loud children so totally the opposite of me so it was hard for me to get along with them. But I never hated them like they hated me. There was this one time where I was with them and my friend. They said they had found a paper where something was written. It was basically a love note to the brother. And they said I had written it. I obviously didn't. They said there was some lipstick on it, I said I didn't have any. That was a lie but at this point, I really didn't care. I just wanted them to believe me. But unfortunately for me, my friend had been to my house a few days earlier and had seen my lipstick. She said it was the exact same color. I don't really know what happen there. I don't even know if the note even existed. I never saw it. This probably doesn't like much but it hurt me. It hurt because I knew I had never written this thing but by not believing me, they made me a liar. And of course I couldn't prove anything.

2: The youngest and I were very close. He was truly like a little brother to me. But for some reason, the sister had decided that we couldn't be friends. I will always remember that day. She forced us to stop playing together. I don't really remember how she did it, what she said to us, but I do remember me going home. My parents would let me play outside until 6pm but that day I went home way earlier. So of course my mom asked me what was going on and I started crying. I told her that the sister didn't want me and the youngest to play together. This might sound stupid, I mean how could a little girl just decide who gets to play with who ? Honestly I wish I remembered what she did exactly but whatever it was, it actually worked. But I guess it's just what bullies do.

3: There was another time. The siblings and my friend came knocking at my door. It was already clear at this time the siblings didn't like me so I obviously didn't want to play with them. I told them I was too busy to go outside, which wasn't a lie because I was playing with my dad. A few moments later, my friend came back alone. She told me that the siblings had to go back home and she was now alone. Of course, I wanted to play with her but I didn't want to make it seem like I hated the other two. At first, I told her I couldn't go but she insisted and I thought "I can't leave her alone when there's nothing actually stopping me." So I went back upstairs to get my coat and when I came back, the siblings were there. Of course they were there. It was all a lie to prove that I hated them. That's what the sister said. Surprisingly, the brother actually took my defense. He said I did it only because my friend was alone. I don't really know what to think of this. Technically, they were right, I didn't want to go outside with them. But it's not like they liked me either and they used the fact that I was too nice to leave someone alone against me.

4: The last story and the most painful one too. It was on a morning. I was outside with the sister and my friend. I don't really remember how this happened, like did we started by playing normally or did they go mean right away ? The first thing I remember of this fourth story is being stuck between a corner and both of them. I don't know what they said to me but I was stuck. I couldn't escape and they wouldn't let me go. I don't know what they wanted to do to me. Maybe nothing. But I was definitely really scared when it happened. And I suppose I'll never know what their true intentions were that day because my mom arrived and told me we had to go somewhere. I have no idea if she realised what was going on at that moment but I'll be forever grateful. But this last story doesn't end here. The worst part is over but more came later. I don't know how much later but once I was with my friend and that day came up in the conversation. We talked about it. I don't know what we said, maybe she apologized, maybe not, but she remembered it. She acknowledged it. Later, it was the three of us, the sister, my friend and me. We talked about it again, I probably brought it up. But guess what ? The sister denied it happening. And suprise! my friend did too this time. They said it never happened. I told my friend we literally talked about it together recently but she denied that too. The sister added that she was in her garden, hiding, listening to us and that we definitely did not talk about that. So they were bullies, they lied and said I was the one lying.

I am not sure why but I thought of those things again tonight, while I was trying to sleep. And it made me cry, a lot. I can't remember the last time I cried this much. And I'm not writing this to get anyone's pity. I'm writing this because I want people to know that, yes, something that happened 10 years ago can still be traumatising.

If you have read everything, thank you for your patience and I hope you're doing okay ❤️

[flowerss7]

Trust

One of your first questions was: "What are you afraid of ?"

I told you: "Nothing, just silly things."

But you insisted, you wanted to know.

So I told you I'm afraid of heights, I'm afraid of spiders.

You thought that wasn't enough, you asked: "What are you really afraid of?"

I said: "I just told you and it's the truth."

But again, you insisted and asked: "Are you afraid of death maybe ?"

I answered that I am not.

"Then what ?" you asked.

I did not answer.

What did you think ? That I was going to tell you how I'm afraid of standing up for myself, afraid to fail everything I do ? So that you can use it as an advantage against me ? No. You don't get to know what I'm really afraid of. Not until I know I can trust you.

[lovren-la-vida-luka]

[flowerss7]

I often feel like I don't belong. It's because I don't. I don't belong with people I know from school, I sometimes don't even belong with my own friends or family. And even when I feel like I finally do, I actually don't. I'm never the best friend, never the closest friend, never special to anyone. People may say that not belonging makes me unique, but I don't want to be unique. I don't want to be unique if that means feeling lonely, never belonging with anyone to anything.

[dahlgard]

Skaði of the Cold

i. girl of quiet, girl of snow she who knows what father stole but all the same she loved him dearly and met the gods to end their jeering

ii. gods in kind repayed her sorrows now she sit their table morrow they share the cup with frigid cold she claims the weight of meat and bone

iii. she who does not take to cheer among the gods, she is austere but in the depths of mountain fen she takes her solitude in glen

iv. she the rigid, she the huntress giant made into a goddess let her take thy hand through darkness and she will teach the way of starkness

v. she the quiet, she of snow be prepared to take the toll but she will teach much more than hunting just as she will teach confronting such the goddess of the cold she the burdened, she the bold

[flowerss7]

At the end of the day

They say the last person we think about before falling asleep is the one we love. But what about the person we think about all day long ? The person we want to see every day. And when we do see them, it makes us so happy. Even if it's just during one second. So it might not be the one we think about at the end of the day, but it's the one who made our day.

[flowerss7]

I want to tell them

I want to tell them about you

But they would not listen

I want to tell them you sometimes make me feel blue

But they would think I just want attention

I want to tell them I need you

But they would tell me it's not true

I want to tell them you're my whole world

But they would just be concerned

I want to tell them you're wonderful

But they would say I'm a fool

I want to tell them you're everything to me

But they would not believe me

I want to tell them what I know about you

But they would say it was not their demand

I want to tell them I love you

But they would not understand

[lovren-la-vida-luka]

she

She is lavender fields and peach trees

The split second glimpse of what you can’t quite let yourself believe are fairy wings in long grasses

A full moon and endless constellations over a woodland glade

I’ve watched so many times as the world tried to turn her warm heart to ice

But what the world didn’t consider is that cutting down a lavender field makes it grow back bigger and stronger

If peaches weren’t picked from the tree, no one would know their sweetness

The rain only makes the grass smell sweet and those little wings glisten until you can’t deny their magic

And I can’t count all the times I’ve seen the full moon stay, defiantly delicate on a blue sky in the face of blazing sunrays

She is a moonflower, blooming in the darkest hour

A steel plated orchid petal

And I will always be in awe of the way she takes adversity in her stride, turns barbed wire to silk and remains so fiercely, unyieldingly soft.

[flowerss7]

Love

I love everything about her. Her eyes, her hair, her clothes. But why is it only perfect on her ? Some people have similar eyes, similar hair or similar clothes and yet she's the only one who appears perfect to me. Maybe she's the only one who has the exact combination of what I find perfect. But what do I find perfect ? Long hair and brown eyes ? No, this doesn't define perfection. So what is it ? Maybe the combination itself represents perfection. That doesn't sound right either. Then maybe, and just maybe, she's only perfect because I love her.

[lovren-la-vida-luka]

a message i’ll never send to the one my soul has known since the beginning of time

Before I met you, I missed you desperately.

Confused? Let me explain.

A friend told me today that the bond between an atom and its corresponding antimatter is unbreakable.

They said that means, if there is one atom in one person and its anti atom in another, no matter where they are and who they are there will be an infinite and indestructible connection between them.

They told me they think that’s what soulmates are.

When I read the word soulmate, I thought of you, to me, the word is synonymous with your name.

Is some part of my wishful heart the antithesis of some part of that brilliant logical mind of yours?

The link between your ink-stained fingers and the eyes that watch them drum on the table and imagine their touch, does it span throughout space and time?

Is that why we travelled the globe before settling in the same place at the same time? Were we searching for each other without even knowing?

Is that why meeting you felt less like love at first sight and more like a serendipitous and long overdue meeting with an old friend?

It all makes sense now. Like I said.

Before we met, I missed you desperately.

And all I know is I never want to miss you that badly again.

[flowerss7]

Untitled text

I think about you a lot. Too much, in fact. Lots of things make me think about you. A word, a number, a picture, a song, anything. And even when there's nothing related to you, I think about you. Sometimes I am bored and end up thinking about you again. I tell myself that I should stop but even that is still thinking about you. I don't know if it's love. Sometimes, I hate you. At least I think I hate you but I probably hate myself for thinking about you all the time. The worst thing about this is that you'll never know. No matter how hard I'll think of you, you will never find out.

[lovren-la-vida-luka]

Last time I was in your city, I didn’t know it was yours.

It was the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen, and it still is, though now I see it in a different light.

It’s not just beautiful any more, it’s beautiful because of you. Because you made it that way. And just for your mere presence.

I had so many plans and dreams in the city. And I still do, but now, so many of them include you.

How bittersweet to see my favourite place through velvet brown eyes that have never known the sight of my face.

I want to kiss you with powdered sugar from fritule on our lips, and rakija flavoured tongues.

I want to stand in the snow in the square that holds so many beautiful memories and make a million more with you.

Let me hear new words in your language for the first time, whispered in my ear in that voice that leaves my knees weak, and let me repeat them back between heavy breaths with my lips against your neck.

Last time I was in your city, I didn’t know it was yours.

Now I do.

And I want to be yours too.

[flowerss7]

Validation

Why are we always looking for validation? Whether we're asking for opinions, or posting in the hope that someone will like it, or even not showing it, in the end what matters is that people will tell us they like what we did. The thing is, those people only see your pretty drawing, your nice writing or your good grade, but YOU are the only one who knows how many times you had to draw bad things before it turned out well, how many times you had to write that chapter before it showed the emotion you wanted, how many times you had to study at night. Once, I showed my mom two drawings I had made and asked her which one she prefers. She chose the one that interests her the most, the one that appeals the most to her. My favorite was the other one. It was the other one because it took me so long to draw it and I was actually proud of it. The one my mom chose might be prettier but the one I chose took more efforts. So, sure, it IS nice when someone tells you they like what you do or that they're proud of you, but never forget that you are the only one who truly knows how much work you had to put in it.

[flowerss7]

I want you to know

I want you to know that

I might have bad days

I will not want to talk sometimes

I will be jealous over little, dumb things

I might lie to you when it's too hard to tell the truth

I will make mistakes

I will say things I'll regret

I might not always be a good person

I will fuck up things

And this is what you'll have to endure to be my friend

But I also want you to know that

I will always be there if you need to talk

I will always support you no matter what

I will make things for you

I will help you whenever I can

I will have serious conversations with you

I will laugh with you

I will cry with you

I will listen to you

I will love you

[morska-vjestica]

I knew you were too good to be true pt. 3

You told me you are busy and that you don’t think texting every day is necessary. You told me how you hate going out, clubbing, that private friendly gatherings are your favourite and how that can’t and won’t always be a priority. You told me there are more important things in life, that obligations will get me and I won’t be able to enjoy like I’m enjoying now. You told me I should enjoy my carefree life while I don’t have any responsabilities, cause being in uni and having a job can’t compare. You told me you want a steady life in the countryside. You told me I should relax and how you see no point in this, that I have my life in my hometown, and you have your life in yours, and that I’m leaving for summer and that distance wouldn’t work. You told me we can stay friends. You told me you know how to draw, but didn’t draw anything for a while and that you will draw me something someday. You told me I should write if I like that and if it makes me feel better. Little did we both know that I will write again soon. And that it will be about you. And how I let you in, but you broke my fucking heart.

No matter how much my life sucks at home, especially during summer, I want nothing more than to just stay here for a while, hug my mom and my dogs and forget all about you. I didn’t think we would end like this, hell I didn’t think we would end nor that you would be just another painful memory. I really tought you were the one for me. I shall never leave my comfort zone again.

[flowerss7]

This was so emotional, I'm very sorry you had to go through all of this 💗

[morska-vjestica]

I knew you were too good to be true pt. 2

You told me how your ex cheated on you, about your family house in the countryside and that I have to see it, and how you have a good relationship with your sister. You told me you used to read a lot, but not so much anymore, and that you prefer movies to series. You told me you love old rock songs, but started listening to our songs cause of me. You told me how you didn’t travel much and how you like the comfort of something known. You told me you didn’t really have many bad experiences and that you are sorry I did, but that you admire how strong and brave and mature I am. You told me I’m too good and that you can’t imagine me getting angry and being rude or mean to someone. You told me that you are also addicted to coffee and can’t start your day without it, and that mountains and woods bring you peace. You told me your dad was a taxi driver and that I don’t have to be affraid of taxists, but if I want you can come and pick me up at the bus station. You told me that you also dislike shopping, but that you are not a big fan of sports either. You told me how you can’t get rid of habbit of smoking, and that you love a good beer after work with friends and that I should meet your friends. You told me you like my hair, and hate yours, especially when it’s fluffy, and I said that’s my favourite cause I can run my fingers through it and you said you hope I can run my fingers through yours someday. You told me that me and a bath would be a perfect combination. You told me you like Harry Potter, but not as much as me, but that I would be perfect Hermione. You told me you don’t really like nor want tattooes, but that every single one I chose is wonderful. We agreed on disliking piercings. You told me that you love horses, but that your favourite animal is a bear. You told me that you also love Disney movies and that we should watch them together sometimes. You told me studying is hard, but working is harder, and how everyone in your family started working after high school. You told me that you don’t feel like you belong in your home city, and that it’s not really a part of you. You told me how you love driving on old roads and taking small trips. You told me you would like to take me on a road trip someday. You started sending me voice messages cause you said you know how much I hate texting while driving. You told me that I should start training again or learn a new language if I really want to, and that I can find time for anything. You told me you are also a memory hoarder and that you would give me a teddy bear. I said I don’t need another one and that I would buy you one. You told me you don’t like your body very much either, and that you would buy me chocolate and pain killers and pads if I needed them. You told me how you love my voice and that I make you laugh. You said you don’t mind summer. You told me you don’t own any pjs and I told you I would buy you one. You told me you are never in a rush, you always take things slowly and have time to enjoy everything. You told me you would like to take me out for coffee and ice cream, but never mentioned it again.