All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given.

Aidan | 22 | VT | She/Her | ISTJ

[stealingpotatoes]

for some reason my cat always acts surprised and sniffs me when i pet him even if he's literally sat on me

[penguingiver]

This dark cat gets you a Southern rockhopper penguin (E. chrysocome)!

[stealingpotatoes]

[twinkhole-destroyer]

kitten, daddy is gonna shoot himself after work

[twinkhole-destroyer]

daddy is a coward and needs you to do it

[swagophile]

I had a dream that Joe Biden kept trying to sneak back into the white house to become the president again and he had a variety of silly disguises like in one he was wearing a big moustache and top hat and introduced himself as Job Iden and tried to sell trump snake oil and trump was super interested until his moustache fell off and then JD vance was like "wait a minute.. that's joe biden!!" amd he was like "welp, gotta run, see ya later jack!" and then all the evil white house staff were shaking their heads cus joe biden almost sneaked into the white house and the newest aid was there and she was like "That was a close call, Mr President" and his new aide was actually kamala harris wearing a big cartoon wig and they were all too distracted by joe biden to notice

[one-sleepy-dragon]

something something glass onion being set on a greek island, andi's full name being cassandra, like the trojan princess who prophesied the fall of troy, but whom no one ever listened to, and her sister being named helen, like the greek princess who actually ignited the war and brought about the fall of troy in the end

[underratedgrapeju1ce]

i'm so fucking over it

[charlesoberonn]

Servant: Your highness, a party of adventurers has answered your call for help.

King: Excellent. What are they like?

Servant: One of them is a dragon-lady.

King: Interesting. Those are rare around these parts.

Servant: Another is a goblin paladin.

King: Not a role you usually see goblins in.

Servant: A third is a purple-skinned tiefling.

King: I didn't even know they come in that color.

Servant: The last one is a sapient gelatinous cube.

King: What. How did these four even meet?

Servant: They met in a tavern two hours ago, apparently.

[charlesoberonn]

Queen: My love, please return to bed.

King: *pacing* Why would a gelatinous cube come to a tavern? Can it even get drunk? How did it fit through the doors?

[arabian-batboy]

He wasn't meant to be a villain in a battle shounen, he was meant to be the bad boy with a heart of gold in a romance anime instead.

[catie-does-things]

Thinking about how Anakin canonically both touched grass and got laid and was still Like That.

[copalcetic]

he was even at the club! and yet

[rexuality]

y’all my friend decided to investigate what was blocking their drain system and you are not prepared for the answer

[rexuality]

[citisstreets]

i never draw for posts but something about this overtook me so sorry op

[weepylucifer]

dry humping in its specificity as a term implies the existence of wet humping

[weepylucifer]

not my best work

[aslongasitsblack]

ilya’s pre game captain speeches are one million times funnier when you remember that him and shane let what happens on the ice decide what they’re doing in bed later

ilya [knowing that him and shane have a deal that whoever loses montreal v boston tonight is doing a strip tease for the other]: im not fucking around guys. do not. fuck this up for me

[rylandsgrace]

#Joke asides, this is actually important

[lonelyroommp3]

someone just literally interrupted me mid conversation to tell me “what wonderful big dark eyes i’ve got” and on the one hand extremely flattering that she couldn’t even wait until the end of my sentence to comment on this, on the other hand did she have to say it like im the big bad wolf

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

[caustic-pixie]

OP the tags!!

[dykekarkat]

eventually yuna's gonna b like "it's really upsetting u cant get pregnant because your children would've been the best hockey players of all time" and shane will look at her like she shot a dog in front of him

[endlessly-ranting-antheia]

Ilya: I could marry Svetlana to get American citizenship

Shane: and I could commit a murder suicide right now. See how we’re both saying shit

[lunarblazes]

my favorite part of the fellowship of the ring is when pippin throws a stone down a well in moria and gandalf tells him to kill himself. genuinely made me laugh out loud. gandalf where is your sense of hobbitish whimsy bro