[fmdhayi]

gyujeongfmd​:

maybe, he’s finally fallen into neuroticism today.

or yesterday, or maybe it was a week before when it started. 

the studio in his house no longer feels like home, creating deafening noises that relegate his work to gold star’s name. his studio in gold star feels even worse, compounded with interruptions of different staff members popping in to take apart his hard drive for extortion.

maybe, that’s just all an exaggeration.

either way, he’s found himself a new makeshift rental studio space. inside, it’s quaint and quiet, nothing more than some sofa he bought from ikea and the mini-fridge with whatever he’s managed to bring from his house. minimalism, the new concept, and by hour five, he’s created some songs he doesn’t deem shitty anymore — at least, not shitty enough to be a platinum title. (too bad, it’ll never get any use). by the time he plays it back, and reaches for another diet coke before realizing he’s out.

so, begins the trek out the door and straight to the CU around the corner. 

but he opens his door, stops at the soles of his feet when he runs into the last person he’d ever expect at a studio. “aren’t you supposed to be promoting for your solo? or are you here to stalk me for a second title follow up request?”

she’s busy, but not too busy to find time to sneak away for some much needed alone time. it helps that the two variety shows she had been filming for ended just before her promotions for her solo album, though she’s sure her company is already looking at what else to throw her into. still she went out on a limb and rented herself a studio space. rented, because she’s not delusional enough to believe she should own one. 

it’s a good size, it’s a quiet space overall, it’s hidden enough that she doesn’t need to worry about layering herself in disguises. it’s perfect for her.

lately her schedule has been a shit show, promotion after promotion all stacked upon the other hazardously. the company is happy her solo album debuted well, and so is she, but it only gives them ammunition to continue using her. it’s why she finds herself running later than she’d like to the rented studio space, walking at such a high speed that she runs into a familiar face.

her lips quirk up into a half smile, one that is laced with annoyance and amusement which tends to be her default setting with him. “cute,” she responds sarcastically, “i am promoting for my solo and i probably will stalk you for a second title follow up request but, for today, i just rented out a studio for fun. see if i can play around and come up with something.” 

a partial lie. it isn’t just fun. she’s always found pleasure in lyric writing and preparing for her solo album had only enforced that, she wants to continue to see where it could lead her. she isn’t going to tell him that though. “finished up for the day?”

[fmdhayi]

taeyongfmd​:

what is hayi if not just another ex? and after that, just another lover he’d once brought into his bed to stop the gaps in his armor where loneliness ached to leak out? and then, one of many casualties of the nuclear meltdown of his mind years ago? (no, that’s not true. the real casualty had been years before that, hadn’t it?)

but telling himself that doesn’t stop the relief that washes over him in a gentle wave when she offers him more than a terse greeting and an unreadable expression. the words don’t close the space between them much, but he doesn’t expect an outpouring of her every intricate thought, not when they’re face to face like this after all of their highs and lows and self-enforced distance.

it’s almost funny, how it feels like he’s looking into some warped mirror of past moments. there’d been a time he’d been the one nervous about a solo debut of his own. back then, he’d divulged the nerves of a promised solo debut in the works to her with the sparkling eyes of a smitten nineteen year-old and sought kisses as reassurance. he’d never imagined the path they’d tread before he saw her face her own solo debut.

“i’ll try my best not to give you any more reasons to be nervous about the video, at least.” it’s something he’s not sure he can actually achieve. he’s no actor and there’s a very good reason for that, but the risk of ruining this for her makes him wish he was better at the job that’s being expected of him. “but i’m sure you’ll do well anyway. being nervous just means it’s meaningful to you. if you can’t shake the nerves, you can use them. either way, it works out.” he shoves his hands in the pockets of his pants with a shrug and another scan of her face searches for how far he’s allowed to divulge and what level of casual they’re supposed to meet at. he shifts his weight onto the front of feet and the half inch closer to her he leans brings forth a truth: “but, to be honest, i’m a little nervous, too.”

what was it about ashton kwon that gripped at her? she couldn’t shake him, not then and definitely not now, though she’s not sure she can ever say she tried hard enough to do so. she’s not sure what she expects out of this, for them to walk away on good terms? for them to magically be able to be friends? for them to just get through this and continue on the way they’ve always had? 

she hums, taking in his advice, a faint smile on her face. these were the moments she recalled the most, words of wisdom shared between the pair throughout various experiences that allowed her to feel close to him. he had never been, still isn’t, a huge talker but she can’t remember a time where he had ever been deliberately cold with her. even now he finds a way to comfort her. “thank you,” she says sincerely, “guess it was a good thing they hired a senior for this, huh?” she threads that line of teasing him. 

it isn’t uncomfortable, standing near him and talking even if they’re both careful with their words. she doesn’t kid herself into thinking they’d be in this predicament if it weren’t for fate but she doesn’t see why it has to be a bad experience for either of them. she doesn’t want ash to leave here regretting this, she doesn’t want to look back on such a vital part of her solo career and think of what ifs. 

“why are you nervous?” she questions, voice soft enough to wrap the pair around in a bubble but not enough so that he wouldn’t be able to make out her words. she knows they’re on borrowed time and she wants to tug out a few more truths out of him before they get wrapped up in their work duties.

[fmdhayi]

taeyongfmd​:

ash hiding away from the outside world whenever he gets the chance should really keep him from situations like this, but at the end of the day, management and the sick humor of the universe have far more power than he does.

hayi exists in circles that hover near his own, very small one, but he likes to think their venn diagram overlaps at a stretch of border small enough that they can keep their distant without being thrown into each others’ faces now that the book of their history has been closed for good. if he catches a glimpse of her in the hallway after a polaris schedule, he turns around and walks the other way. if they attend the same party, he keeps to his corner and lets her have the rest of the room.

he’d liked hayi quite a lot once, held her in his arms with the naive confidence of youth and then danced the dance of a slightly older man, made gun-shy by problems all his own. in that sense, she’s a symbol of his own decay, his breakdown. in a broader sense, she’s a symbol of his godawful timing and his twisted tries at attachment.

he doesn’t know what to expect when she approaches him to greet him, but something unsatisfied sparks inside of him at her vague, distant words, like she’s pretending they’ve never met. he schools his face into an unreactive expression, though his eyes do their best to give him away as they flit across her own, searching for a sign of what exists underneath.

“thank you for having me be a part of it.” he’d rather not be, maybe less so because of hayi and more so because he fears his abysmal acting will leave plenty to be desired. he wonders if he should say more or let silence awkwardly drench the air until they part ways again. in the end, more words stumble out of his mouth anyway. “solo debut — that’s a big deal. congratulations.”

“yeah, thank you.” it’s so awkward, her words short and manufactured. she’s not sure what she should say, she’s not sure she should be saying anything at all. she sort of wants to though. she just doesn’t know if she should dip her toe into those waters. there’s a part of her that can still remember him as a lover, another part that wonders if she’s an idiot for even thinking of their past. she doesn’t know ash anymore, not really, and in a way it’s easier to trick herself into believing she never really knew him. 

it’d be easier if they hadn’t seen each other in years, if their past didn’t consist of what ifs and could’ve beens, if they could smile at each other and update each other on where they were now in life. she’d rather chew her arm off than pretend with him, the pair both having been aware of each other throughout the years even if they didn’t speak, and she wouldn’t be able to hide her displeasure if he attempted it too.

his hair is longer now, curling at the edges. his body buffer, filled out and defined from what she can peek. his tattoo collection has grown too probably, eyes drinking in the thorns that wrap around him. that scar on his left cheek remains the same, not yet covered by the make up crew if it even will be, that causes her to smile faintly. 

realistically she knows about all those changes already, has watched him from the corner of her eye year after year but there’s no need to glance when he’s in front of her now. 

“i’m a little nervous,” she admits, “about the solo debut, about the video today. i want to do well, i want it to do well, but i’m trying not to get caught up in just that.” her words are still a little distant but a lot more honest. the staff is busy around them, setting up the last of the what is needed for the scene, so she doesn’t worry about pretenses right now. she doesn’t know how much longer they have before they begin acting and she doesn’t want to leave today having been an actress the entire time.

[fmdhayi]

miraefmd​:

hayi’s suggestion of spicy cold noodles and sweet honey fried chicken is immediately met with an approving hum from mirae. “song hayi, you’re a genius.” she beams at her friend and then turns back to her phone to navigate to the appropriate shops on the delivery app. between filming and recording and practicing, mirae hasn’t had a night to sit down and indulge in food for taste instead of fuel in a while and the promise of a night in with hayi and a table full of food is getting more and more appealing by the second.

when she’s placed their order, she sets her phone back on the counter of her kitchen island face-down, full attention turned to hayi now that the pressing matter of getting food to her door has been handled. “believe me — your pictures and news are all over my instagram explore page. even instagram knows i’m obsessed with you.” she rolls her eyes light-heartedly. 

“okay, spill. good feelings? bad feelings? mixed feelings?” mirae’s been trying her hand at songwriting herself lately, but she can’t say she’s had such an emotional experience. it’s nice when one of the professional producers likes what she comes up with, but that’s the highest peak she’s faced. perhaps she’ll feel differently if something she works on actually gets confirmed for release, but until then, hayi’s experience sounds far more interesting.

“i’ve been told that from time to time,” she teases, grinning back at her friend. swallowing down a sigh, there’s a sense of relief and peace that wash over her just from the mere presence of her friend. she shouldn’t complain, life has been extremely kind to her lately, but there’s still that feeling of not being completely content that lingers. she busies herself by dipping a piece of fruit into the chocolate, twirling it around before bringing it up to her mouth. “really? am i crazy if i say i love the idea of being all over your explore page?” she jokes but it’s true, she’s a little self centered that way in wanting her friends to see her even through social media.

having her friends full attention now she slides the plate of fruit between the two, urging her to grab a piece as well. “mixed, definitely mixed. i’m supposed to feel good about it right? i do. kind of. i don’t know, i guess i didn’t expect for it to feel so,” she pauses trying to find the right word, “raw? i submitted some old pieces, tried writing some new. the new was cool, fun. i worked on choreography too, also fun. it’s just, the old shit i submitted brought up shit i thought i had buried but i guess i didn’t. i’m having a hard time trying to box it up again, kinda because the muse behind the work is popping up again too.” 

she says it all in one breath, hurried as to not talk herself out of saying it. she reminds herself she’s talking to mirae, someone who has always shown her truest self and she knows to be honest. there’s never been games of charades between them, who they were is what they showed to each other and it’s why she’s always valued their sisterhood. “ugh,” she groans dramatically, “tell me you’re at least suffering a little too?”

[fmdhayi]

xai verif / full songwriting creds

summary — for them, the third time is not the charm. instead the third time consists of sporadically hooking up, of meeting each other with the knowledge that it won’t even last all night. but still she indulges, she allows her heart to take charge and continues the cycle if only to continue feeling the way he makes her feel in those moments. originally written throughout twenty-eighteen and twenty-twenty, submitted without revision for her debut album

a deep sigh and the mouse hovers over the submission button. does she want to have this out there? can she really give away that part of her past?

it isn't love at first sight. they're kids when they meet, they act like kids when they break up. two stupid kids who couldn't seem to get it right even if a part of her desperately wanted to. it's heartbreaking looking back at the words she had written throughout the years, a cohesive representation of a could've been and yet there's no part of her that dares to rearrange the past by scrambling up the words. 

i wanna go to a place i haven't been to decide if you wanna go there with me, hm

in the beginning they try, at the end they don't dare to. they had exploded almost a couple years ago now, more if the others year were accounted for, but still she sat, dumbly, in the studio staring blankly back at the document opened before her. the interpretation of the song didn't worry her, whether it was viewed as a song describing hidden lovers or if the public believed it was another sultry way of being for the idol. it wasn't an innocent first love, the song, the relationship, instead it felt like a turbulent experience. a connection of grasping, needing, wanting. 

her emotions rise and fall in a shuddering explosion of sound when she decides that, fuck it, she'll submit the piece of work without revising. 

there's no need to see the words she had written throughout their second attempt, when their calls and texts were limited to meet ups for escapes and nothing more. the understanding that the time stamps of their relationship resulted from the late nights and never crossing to the early mornings. where the moon shined light onto their intertwined bodies, yet they never seemed to burned with the sun.

when the sun goes down, we find each other when the moon rises, we find each other when the sun rises, there's no: between us

there were moments between where she stupidly believed that somehow the love made in the dark imprinted onto their skins, that it hadn't made it any less real, that it mattered more that they were able to act freely in the dark than feel the heat of the light upon them. maybe it was all lies she told herself to feel better about the situation, maybe she had to believe it so she wouldn't find herself falling down the wonderland hole. it was always their secret, the sacred times where the pair seemed to understand each other better than they ever could. maybe they only worked in her dream state, a fantasy they belonged in. yet it was never reality. 

it's a smoke show, the sensual lyrics overriding the human connection spoken about. maybe it won't get accepted, maybe it'll be one of those songs in her discography that for years to come will always pinch at her soul. when it reached the early morning where the moon began singing to the sun, that's when their souls seemed to understand the limited time and mesh. suddenly, she finds the cursor over the trash bin and she pauses. wonders. waits. it'd be easy, so easy, but it'd be a cop out. did she want them making her a soloist or did she want to be an artist?

again, again, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock please keep this as a secret give me, give me, in depth, in depth we win and the night loses again

she wonders how many people will hear the song and understand it. she wonders if this will be a song hidden between all the other tracks, heavy in meaning and yet light in the tracklist. a song praised for the chill vibe it elicits despite the tornado it left in its wake. it was a cycle she never saw the end of, or couldn't imagine. the moon still rises, the sun still sets, yet the body is no longer in her bed and crowds her mind.

[fmdhayi]

mianhae verif / full songwriting creds

summary — in the last decade as an idol there’s been constant ridicule, comments, and backlash. being a woman means strength, power, and so much heart. being a woman in the industry means strings controlling every move, cameras zooming into every interaction, and a microscope magnifying small imperfections

twenty seven and the world is harsh.

she’s not two anymore, where attempting to stand up just to fall back down is considered brave. she’s not five anymore, where tripping over her words and saying the wrong thing is considered okay. she’s not eight anymore, where naivety is considered cute. 

she’s thirteen and her voice is weak, she’s a little too lanky, they’re not sure how they’re going to market her. she’s sixteen and she doesn’t stand out, she’s trying too hard, and it’s almost pathetic to witness. she’s twenty and she thinks of herself as a woman but she’s a kid, she’s a woman to the male gaze, she’s too promiscuous. she’s twenty three and she speaks too loudly, she laughs too much, and she’s not conscious of how she looks.

trapped, objectified, and she isn’t allowed to be anything but a machine.

sorry for hurting sorry for being sad for being someone who is emotional for being so damn weak i’m really so sorry

she never saw herself admitting this, much less writing about it to sing to the public. the words push themselves out, the pen digging so hard onto paper that the ink bleeds. 

all of her writing has been about love, about the hurt and the happiness and the sorrow of love. she hasn't yet written about herself, about the constant storm of hate that is thrown her way. there's no one defending her either, not even her own company, she's just supposed to be made of steel and remember that sticks and stones can break bones but never words. instead, words carve themselves into her skin and remain a scar that burns each time she has to look in the mirror and not believe everything said about her. she scoffs when she thinks about, the pen tapping a rhythmic pattern onto the notepad as she thinks of how to word the hurricane in her mind. 

she should be grateful is what they say. if they didn't talk about her, who would? if they didn't criticize her, how would she improve? they don't care about her, not really, she's a nobody and they'd step on her like the small insects on the ground so, really, they're doing her a favor. they're the reason she has a career, they're the reason she makes money. she lives such a good life and she's complaining about what faceless people say on the internet? she's such a baby. she's not cut out for this life.

they hate her yet they always speak of her. they loathe her yet they know more about her than of themselves.

you said that the most useless thing is to worry about a girl like me but why is it that every day you do those useless things?

maybe it is her fault. if she hadn't cared, if she hadn't listened, if she hadn't apologized and instead told them all to fuck themselves - where would she be? what would she be? a machine, a puppet? happy, more miserable? she's not sure. maybe the point isn't to win the war, maybe the point is just to get her foot on the battleground. 

i’m sorry cause i’m just a machine i’m sorry a machine that just sings i’m sorry

twenty five and she isn't who they say she is, she's sure of herself, she's sure of her talent. they still don't like her, they still talk all that shit about her, and yet she smiles. instead of tiring herself out as a warrior, she becomes the mastermind of the battle. there's no reason to fight them, no reason to go out of her way to further antagonize them. would it stop them? instead, she repents. she stands tall in front of the world, head high and shoulders back, and she apologizes. she's nothing more than a machine, nothing more than a singer. she has no feelings, she has no worries. she wasn't once a girl, she isn't now a woman, she's never been a simple human being. and so she writes about it.

[fmdhayi]

dark clouds verif / partial songwriting creds

summary — she’s always been a little cold, it’s no surprise to anyone the clouds that follow her after her second time breaking up with her ex. except everyone believes it’s because she’s sad and really, she’s just numb. originally written in twenty-seventeen, revised for her debut album

a document six years old stares back at her, words about a lover she’s yet to forget, and though the hurt has washed away, it’s easy to recall that time in her life. 

in a relationship the first breakup always hurts, it’s a guarantee. there’s loss of appetite, lack of motivation, headaches from all of the tears spilt and maybe even some snot. it’s one of those lows in life. nobody speaks about the second breakup. the one where there was a belief that they’d figure it out, that they had learned from the first time and vowed to not fuck it up again, the gut wrenching feeling of knowing there is love present (maybe more than the first time) and still having to let go.

maybe it was a mistake, to drag up these old emotions and sing about them as if it was a present time hurt. or maybe it’d turn out to be the only way she finally lets it go, accepts it and moves on. it’s a cliche, the heartbreak songs. she’s always thought so. yet those are the same songs she sings at the top of her lungs in an empty karaoke room and she wonders if this too will be a song that finds its way as someones go to karaoke song.

i ignore my friends calls, i answer only after a day passes it’s obvious they’ll ask how do you feel, i force myself to smile do i have to do this? it’s as if i’ve been assigned a sad role do i have to force myself to cry?

a deep breath and there's that feeling of revealing too much, of laying it all out on the line. this album will be the most vulnerable she's been, yet she's sure that's the type of artist she wants to be. honest, raw, real. 

she leaves in the old words, written freshly after the break up and decides a revision isn't needed. it's contradicting, but it's true. that feeling of confusion, of not knowing how others expected you to act or react, of walking on eggshells around others when it wasn't their life that felt like it blew up. every word, every action feels under review. there's disbelief in feeling okay, pity in feeling bad. no time to oneself, her grief suddenly became everyone's business. grey clouds overhead, each step taken below it and not knowing when the thunder and rain would fall down. gloomy exterior, an even darker interior. 

actually, i think i held it in too much  i wanna cry, i wanna cry, i wanna cry

it’s almost shameful to admit so she writes it down instead. she remembers feeling tough, holding in the dam that was begging to burst and break, but never actually being tough. she did want to cry, so why didn’t she? it did feel overwhelming, so why hadn’t she ever admitted that?

[fmdhayi]

miraefmd​:

a girls’ night in is way overdue in mirae’s schedule, not for any recent lack of desire to have one or a lack of girl friends. the truth of the matter is that work always comes first for her and when opportunities spread out in front of her as they have lately, she has to laser-focus to make the most of them. it’s easier to remember to take a step back and relax from time to time when she’s not the one who has to take the initiative to fit it into her schedule, instead prompted by a friend so that her loyalty kicks in.

“spicy sounds good,” mirae agrees with a nod as she continues to peruse the available delivery options on her screen. “we could do spicy noodles or spicy friend chicken. both sound good. i’ve been living off of set catering and food trucks for way too long.” as much as she loved being on set for my name, the nature of the number of scenes she was in and the need to stay healthy for her actions scenes hadn’t allowed mirae to indulge in much junk as of late. “but you know i’m not picky if you’re craving something else.”

mirae sets her phone down on the kitchen island and strides over to one of the drawers to reveal her sizeable stash of chocolate to the other. “do i have any chocolate? i can’t believe you’d doubt me for a single second.” mirae’s sweet tooth tends to be quite minor, but her one exception has long been a nice, quality bar of dark chocolate. “you can make it up to me by telling me everything.” her eyes sparkle with a mix of excitement to catch up with her friend and hopefulness that there will be some riveting gossip involved.

“how about we do both spicy noodles, preferably cold, and spicy fried chicken? or is that too much spice? maybe spicy cold noodles and sweet honey fried chicken?” perhaps she should be watching what she eats with all of her upcoming schedules but she had never dipped much in diet culture and tries to refrain from thinking of limiting herself just because of her career. it’s easier when her friends indulge her.

humming around a laugh, she scoots herself to where the other is and plucks out two well sized bars of chocolate. she’s so familiar with the others kitchen that she knows where to find a bowl in which she can break apart the bars to place in the microwave and melt for the dip. “where do i start? career or general life?” she sets the timer on the microwave and leans back to face her friend, “we’ll start with my career because it plays into my general life too. as you already know, i’m in two variety shows right now. i’m also preparing for my solo debut which is coming too soon, i decided to participate in the music production for my debut which has my feelings all over the fucking place.”

the timer beeps and she allows herself that moment to regain composure because she was close to ranting off about how her solo debut has led to her life being some warped version of a melodrama show lately. instead she grabs a spoon, stirs the chocolate, and places it alongside the fruit platter in between the two. 

[fmdhayi]

gyujeongfmd​:

maybe, he should’ve braced himself on the lessons to work alongside an estranged friend.  because hindsight is twenty/twenty, and he’s fallen into the graces of awkward silences and weird pauses that put him on the edge of — say it? or bite his tongue and shut the fuck up?

too late for that now, when he’s going through the process of writing a song. for all he cares — it’s business duties talking. business formalities lead him to ignore all context outside of the studio walls, and hone into the spotlight of the track that lines the screen. and that comes along with listening, ears open, nodding his head with the motion to share facets of lyrics that get tossed around in the process.

“i think that works fine — fits the bill of the general theme.” it sounds more bleak than he intends, but he’s not there to offer a cushy round of applause for tokens of personal information. instead, approval comes with the taps of the keyboard re-writing the same words on the screen. “the whole sound revolves around one person trying to act like they’re okay, while simultaneously trying to get the person leaving to look back…” it’s a thought-process out loud, and he lends his eyes to the ceiling — an attempt to fall back into old habits and old memories with someone long gone.

and maybe, that’s just how he landed himself with the stereotypical sticker of: sad love song writer #1. “in that case — nothing’s more sad than stating the obvious. you’ve already made the decision. you’re so bad at trying to act cold. you can’t even look into my eyes. juxtaposing that with, even if you miss me, you won’t even be able to see me lends sympathy for the person singing the song aka: you.”

maybe it was the feel of being in his studio, of sitting beside someone who had made this part of their life a job. he was taken seriously with his work, had done well in writing and producing various songs, enough so that she didn’t care about the awkwardness floating around them if it meant she would feel that way too about her work. she had to stop reading into everything. in between the walls of the studio they aren’t two estranged sort of friends, they’re just an artist and an idol working together.

“right,” she wasn’t naive enough to fool herself, or others, into believing the song didn’t have that connotation, “i think also the person is begging them to reconsider the choice. they’re acting tough but, even within their questions, they’re showing they’re not as okay with it as they’re trying to make it seem.” 

it’s cliche for her to remember her first love. to remember the multiple break ups, the ones in between years of what they called love where either she or he took the cop out of saying the break was for the other. to make that relationship the inspiration behind the song. but he knows of her first love, of the relationship as a whole and it’s only a little embarrassing to bring that up to him. instead, she recalls a conversation between the two long ago when they discussed relationships as a whole. the pair had such distinctive ideas of a relationship, of love in general that it had turned into one of those conversations people usually have when they’re drunk or high.

so, she thinks another conversation of the sort couldn’t possibly strain what little relationship they have any more than it already is. “i’m not really going for sympathy,” she admits, “i just think there’ll be many people who can relate to that type of love. the one where you’re still holding onto someone but they’re leaving, and you can’t really take it but you’re going to. even if i try to turn your heart around, you’ve already made the decision.”

[fmdhayi]

general starter for @taeyongfmd​ or, the one with the 5 star mv shooting

either a joke or extremely twisted fate, that’s what she had believed the news to be. 

how could it be that the inspiration for the song just so happened to be her co-star for the music video? there had to be some unspoken rule about that, something along the lines of how it was a disaster waiting to happen. they weren’t even apart of the same company, she had no idea how bc just happened to cast someone at that caliber for her music video and of all the mvs it had to be for this one.

they haven’t seen each other in years. that was a lie, she’s definitely seen him but she’s made sure to keep a large distance between them and able to keep their word count to each other below one word each time they were in the same space. it worked that he was reclusive and she was avoidant. there was nowhere to run now though, her eyes set on him as she approached him on set. they were due to begin filming in about ten minutes and she had postponed the inevitable long enough. “hello,” she greeted him, respectfully and at a distance, “i’m looking forward to working with you, thank you for being apart of this.”

[fmdhayi]

gyujeongfmd​:

he’s gotten a myriad of requests lately. some he likes, the other’s becoming nothing more than half-strung work obligations that tie him to a steady flow of income.

(love capitalism, and he loves it even more when it ties him to relegate creativity into a streamlined process).

except, this steady-state becomes more of an extension of old loyalty. a million other things he’s set to do, yet he hears out the favor making presence by an foreigner in his studio space sitting in front of him with nothing more than request for some help. he’s helpful.. to the best of his own ability, and he’s only indebted in gratitude when she cuts the bullshit conversations out of frame, and what they’re left with is nothing more than the focus on the music.

“so your idea is a break up song?” not like she knows, but it almost seems like a pathetic roundabout way of the universe telling him he’s nothing more than the outlines of every single sad love song. “sounds like it’s more of a song of gaslighting ex-lovers to me.” it’s a shoddy attempt at humor, and he’s already pivoted around his screen pulling up another blank sheet to stir up the series of ideas floating around.

he takes a pause, taps his finger against the space bar as if it’d be any resolve to the thinking process his mind pulls together. “i think the song would convey more if you only focused on the point of view from the girl. don’t even mention anything the other person is feeling — put the lyrics into a series of questions like are you okay with that decision? are you okay? if he’s so set on breaking up with her in that moment, is he going to be okay with the repercussions.” 

when she was first told of her solo debut she out right declined. she didn’t want to perform music written by others that dictated her brand any more than she already has. it was when her manager gave her the idea to use her own music that she agreed. she could do that, had enough drafts or full fledged songs that were already written.

this song was different, though. she just had a concept. a break up song, that is what it will be reduced to. it’s profitable and she has enough experience to write an album or two off break up songs alone. 

“yeah, i get you,” she nods, taking in his suggestion and immediately deleting the lyrics she had dubbed as the partners voice responding back on the notes she had opened in her phone. there was a part of her that wanted to beg him to write the song himself, if only to get rid of the discomfort she felt from opening up to him about this side of her work.

“i had a section that i’m sure of, lyrics i know i want in the song because it embodies the message of it. i thought we could maybe work the rest of the song around it?” gaslighting ex-lovers or not, she knew it would turn out to be a song that others would relate to, maybe even feel comforted by. “even if you miss me, you won’t be able to see me. even if you want to hold me, you won’t be able to. even if you want to hear my voice, you’ll have to hold it in. maybe that’s where i can add in, are you alright?” 

[fmdhayi]

miraefmd​:

for someone so often buried in work by her own choice, mirae hates to think of herself as someone tragically all work, no play. as cliched as the idea of work hard, play hard may be, there’s some truth in the fact that a balance is needed for anyone to keep their sanity for the decade and a half it’s been since she’d first entered the workforce. the methods she may have learned at first via the other models-in-training back in the day may not have been the healthy stress-countering options, but other than the endurance of a cigarette now and then, with maturity and expectation have come better ways to unwind.

she leans her hip against her kitchen counter across from her companion for the night, a friend she loves dearly but hasn’t been able to see enough lately, and slips her cellphone out of the pocket of her own pants. “what kind of takeout are you feeling tonight?” she asks over the screen of her phone as she navigates her way to her collection of delivery apps. on a night off, she usually prefers to cook for the sake of her own health, but for such an occasion as a sorely overdue girl’s night with hayi, some indulgence seems welcome.

“and then, you’ve got to catch me up on everything i’ve missed with you.”

a homebody by design, but an extrovert by nature is a strange way to live. though she enjoys spending the small free time she has cooped up at home watching whatever drama is popular at the moment, there’s only so much of that she can take before she cracks and seeks out her friends. it’s why she practically begged the older idol for a girls night in, needing the companionship of a trusted and close friend.

“mmm,” she hums in deep thought, head already half way into the others fridge looking for something to snack on before their actual dinner. peeking in she’s glad they decided on spending the night at the selene members place because her own fridge was not this stocked. poking her head back out to look at her friend she sends a shrug, “i’ve been craving something spicy. maybe some meat as well? what are you wanting?” 

a dramatic sigh comes after shutting the fridge closed, some already sliced fruit in her hand to share between the pair. an idea comes to mind but she responds first, “there is so, so much to catch up on. you won’t believe half of it, probably. by the way, do you have any chocolate hanging around? should i melt some as a dip for the fruit?” if it were any other person they might think she’s looking for a distraction, yet the other will know that’s not the case.

[fmdhayi]

minjungfmd​:

maybe it’s incredulous to the staff of how each tit for tat comes at the price of more egregious stories to topple one after another. a stack of dominos, and they’re the catalyst for pushing it over, watching it all tumble down for the aftermath to be caught by the companies’ pr teams.

either way, there’s a certain kind of innate charm to the game they play. a fun mask she wears as she laughs along, covering each hidden lie with the palm of her hand. (the public doesn’t know, they never seem to figure out blatant cues spread right in front of them). still, she entertains the game nodding firmly, keeping her boldened eyebrows stern as she stares into the camera. “i only have eyes for my fans, and i’m sure hayi does too — so, we’re in no obligation to date or get married any time soon.” she peeps in, pursing her lips together. “i’d say a club or even drinks would be nice to cure a break up. or my personal favorite thought is that i think you should, as a friend, text her ex and tell him all the terrible traits he has and how he’s a loser for dumping your friend.” 

she turns towards hayi, “after all, in the end — if it’s love or friendship, you always want to stay loyal to your friends. love may be fleeting, but friends are always there to pick you up right where you left off. isn’t that right, hayi?”

there’s a moment where the mask almost slips, where genuine surprise at the others comments cause her to want to poke more into the topic and see if it’s honest or another fib. to see whether two girls can form a bridge despite the pretenses.

the camera still blinks a firetruck red which has her biting her tongue, knowing it’d be stupid to do so at the moment. after all, this is just a play and they’re barely into act two. instead she laughs, loudly and free, leaning towards the equinox member and lightly swatting at her. “i can absolutely seeing you do that,” she nods, “i’d actually pay big money to see you do it. in case none of you have clued in, minjung is extremely loyal to her friends. a perk of being her friend is i know she’ll always defend me that way.”

“i completely agree,” she smiles at her and it’s true. if there’s anything she’s learned in her years, it’s that love is fleeting and never a sure thing. she turns towards the live, a grin on her face as she skims the comments, “we’ll take one more question and then we’ve got to go! we would stay and give all the advice we have, if we could, but i’ve invited minjung out to a lunch after this before we part to our other schedules.”

[fmdhayi]

but are you? verif / collaborative songwriting creds — @gyujeongfmd

it’s only a little awkward.

all of her songwriting has been done in private, spread throughout the years after specific events or feelings have surfaced for her and she scribbles thoughts, phrases, key words together that sort of resemble a song. she'd never thought of fully making them into a song until recently, until she was told she'd debut and she realized she'd want her debut to mean something to her more than being bc's cash cow again.

she's not sure what drove her to reach out to him, especially after their last interaction, but it's the last song she needs to finish for the album and she thought of him. if they were in a better place, if she was certain in calling him a friend, then perhaps she would've asked for more than what she already has. she knows bc reached out to him for production on her title, knows bc took it a step further in asking him to feature on a track as well so she's too embarrassed to ask for more than writing help on one song. more than that, she remembers how they had a conversation many years ago that resembles the meaning she wants for this song. so, she texts him. a text sent in the late night early morning time where words flow a little easier, that she honestly thought he'd leave on read, causes them to meet in his studio.

they've gotten the very quick, very silent greetings out of the way and settle down. there's that feeling of discomfort pinching her skin but she tries to power through regardless. "the idea i had was that, it'd be about a break up. except the girl is the one getting broken up with and her partner tells her that it's for her, for her future. she's fine with that, she could learn to live without him, but the song is basically her questioning him on whether he'd be okay without her since he's softer than she is. or, something like that."

[fmdhayi]

self para or, the one with the makings of a solo debut

wc — 451

december 2022 / bc ent. building, in some random meeting room 

“they want me to what?” she asks her manager, wanting her to repeat herself in case she simply misheard. she hopes she misheard. 

“debut as a soloist,” her manager repeats the same sentence in the exact same tone so, no, she didn’t get it wrong. there’s a grimace on her managers face which means she knows the fight that’s coming up. 

“why?”

“you did well during the base live opening, the concert received a lot of great feedback and your workshops did good as well. it just, makes sense for the company.”

“yeah, for the company. not for me. i’ve never showed desire in being a soloist and i only did all the base live opening stuff because they signed me up for it!”

“i know, i know. but we could discuss it with them, make sure we’re doing it on your terms.”

“i don’t have terms! i don’t want this. i don’t want to debut as a soloist and sing more music that isn’t even mine and doesn’t resonate with me as an artist.” 

she sounds like a brat, even to her own ears, but she can’t help it. throughout her time as an idol she’s always followed the orders of bc when it came to her career, she became a variety star because they needed a funny character in the group and she took on ambassador contracts that hadn’t made sense to her but that worked with her popularity. yet she swore, to herself at least, that wouldn’t compromise her musicality. sure, she was an idol and yeah she was one of the few that enjoyed it even if many others in their industry didn’t but she was still raised by an artist, by someone who loved dancing and singing and music in its entirety. she could deal with being lily’s hayi who sang whatever was produced and written by others, but as herself? she didn’t want to have to stomach that. 

“it could be your music. i know you write, sometimes. we could make that one of your terms, that most of the music you release as a soloist has to be yours.”

she sighs. if her manager is going this hard for possibility of a solo debut for her then she knew it was in the books despite her protests. it was something she would have to do. 

“can i think about it?”

“yeah, of course,” the response is quick, a hint of relief in the words, “let’s talk about it just us two, somewhere private and not in the company. i think that’d be better, right?”

“yeah, sure.”

all she had to figure out now was whether she would do it on her terms or bc’s. 

[fmdhayi]

self para or, the one with another fixed cast

wc — 402

it was a surprise when her company let her know about another variety show that wanted her as a fixed member, especially when she had just recently started her role as cast in another one and it was still going to go on for a bit more. in fact they’d overlap, though that wouldn’t really matter considering lily had just finished a comeback some time ago. they specifically requested her and when looking at the cast she sort of understood why. she was familiar with two cast members, two variety show regulars who she’s ran into before and have always been good to her. a few other who she didn’t personally know but knew of. 

the premise of the show seemed fun, something chaotic and upbeat enough to balance the romantic heaviness that came from her spot on transit love. the cast members, together with a guest (known as the sixth man), visit three different places (or people). one of the three is entirely fabricated from scratch by the production team, and the cast members and the sixth man have to figure out which one is entirely fabricated, by using their "sixth senses" to analyze every detail of the three. the correct voters will divide six gold persimmons among themselves as a prize, and the rest who did not vote for the correct one will pick one person among them to endure the punishment, which is to do the opening of the next episode without their eyebrows. if only one person guessed correctly, no gold persimmons would be given.

she was always competitive so she would gladly enjoy the plot of the show, the idea of the show was one she hadn’t seen so she knew it’d be enough to traction in viewers, and she was the perfect bc idol for a reason - she liked getting her face out there, liked the public attention. 

she had reviewed the request multiple times before deciding she would join the show. if anything, because she had trust in the cast and knew it would be good for her career. she’s known for content that the show will allow her to showcase, a quirky and loud character since her first variety appearance. she’s not mad at the chance, she’s sort of pleasantly surprised that she’s still an idol who is asked for, but the timing of all her projects make for very, very busy days.

[fmdhayi]

fmdduri​:

“ah, hayi! you didn’t get the meet the newest addition!” he says, a giggle leaving his lips. that’s when he scoops her up, a new puppy, who was on looking. duri takes the paw of the puppy, before waving towards the other with her paw. a giggle leaves his lips as he does so, head almost shaking a bit at how silly the whole thing was. but, hayi got to meet the other dogs, so he wanted to be sure that the newest addition to the lim-park household got her time to shine too in the meeting of friends and family. plus, there probably wasn’t any shock that there was another puppy in the midst of the house; but, duri was sure that there wasn’t going to be another dog for a long, long while - simply considering the fact that there was no way to handle another, and duri was very, very good with the four dogs that were now roaming around the house.

“this is peach! named after princess peach, who’s my favorite character in mario games! also because jake and i both have peach nicknames from fans…” he says, before a laugh leaves his lips now. “jake surprised me with her not too long ago!” he says, a big grin placed upon his lips. “she’s so small, isn’t she?” he says. he continued to hold her up, simply because she was just happy to be there, happy to be involved in the whole ordeal. even if she acted like the princess of the humble abode a majority of the time. 

“you’re joking. i love her!” immediately she reaches out towards the new addition to the lim-park family, placing her hand in a good enough distance to where peach is able to smell her and get accustomed as to not feel overwhelmed with her presence. “i love the name peach as well, definitely keeping the trend going,” she’s speaking to the older male but still smiling at the puppy, her eyes overflowing with emotion at the cute bundle in his arms. every time she visits jake and duri she gets those feelings of needing a dog, it’s only when she’s left their household that she rationalizes to herself as to why she can’t have one just yet.

“she really is so small,” she almost can’t believe it, it’s like seeing a baby for the first time and realizing just how fragile they truly are. “jake did good. though this probably means she’ll be the last lim-park for a while, huh?” visiting their place was kind of funny for her, it truly felt like a home in how warm and full of life it was. she wouldn’t put any of that on jake though, she knows most of it comes from duri’s persona himself.