아름다워

if you want someone that would rather kill you than kiss you, raewoon is your guy!

[nyindra]

lets do an honesty hour ask me anything

[fmdraewoon]

back from a busy week! i see we’ve acquired quite a few new faces around here so i’m going to send out welcomes and reply to my neglected ims tomorrow. i do need to plot quite a bit since i’m not content with the amount of threads i currently have. both on yua and raewoon. so if you’re not one of the new people or i’ve simply forgotten to plot with you, hit this with a like? i’ll offer both muses happily!

EDIT: i feel terrible about my writing lately so i’m so sorry it sucks btw

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; MISSED * }

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: You haven't been calling me lately.

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: You should at least check how your hyung is from time to time... ㅡㅅㅡ

[my-baby-lambs]

[fmdxtora-blog]

@fmdraewoon

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; CHIT CHAT * }

[fmdraewoon]

fmdxyoonah:  

‘‘are you sure? i think you’re underestimating your own fans, darling. they have new methods now. we can only hope that they won’t find us here. or write some stupid articles.’’ luckily, she always had a good reputation. it was a true miracle, but she somehow managed to stay away from any major scandals. finally, she sat down and leaned toward him. ‘‘well, we have a lot of catching up to do.  you’re a little rude. you know that, right? you should have called me sooner. i know we’re both busy, but i don’t want this to happen again.’’yoonah truly valued their friendship - he held a special place in her heart.

‘‘i don’t mind. the food is always good here and i trust you. but sure. you two have become quite close, haven’t you?‘‘ she chuckled and ordered one french martini - she simply wanted to start with something easy. the drink arrived very quickly and she immediately picked up her glass, taking a large sip before she spoke. ‘‘keep your voice down. it’s top secret. only a few people know about it and i hope it’ll stay that way. i want it to be a big surprise for my fans. but you deserve to know all the details, so i have to tell you everything.’‘ she released a sigh, her lips curving upward in a sweet smile.’’to be honest it won’t just be for my fans. i have to show everyone that i’m the best. the crown rightfully belongs to me, i’m the only real queen. have you heard lipstick’s new songs? dear god, i just hate them. i can only conquer a kindergarten with our new songs. so, my song will be really edgy and i’m sure it’ll shock many people. but, that’s the whole point. a lot of people underestimate me. but, they can kiss the old me goodbye because she’s dead and gone.’‘

the topic of fans and their own creative means made raewoon laugh a little despite feeling a pang of fear. the older was right, after all. it wasn’t uncommon in the idol world. maybe the should be a bit careful. especially since there was one instance where they got too close that still had raewoon shaken to this day. “noona,” raewoon started, smiling at her. “i promise to do every thing in my power to keep your pristine image. plus, i don’t think it’ll be that damaging to my career to be linked to someone such as yourself.” he laughed, a genuine one that was deep and had him snorting at the end. “hey, i always send you messages when i’m free. just didn’t have time to do this in a while.” with a second mule in his system, he puffed out his cheeks in a horrible attempt to do aegyo. “sorry~”

he laughed his embarrassment away, assembling a cracker sandwich with the cheese from the cheese platter. he glanced over at the other, humming thoughtfully. “i suppose. though i think my celebrity discounts annoys him.” he watched the other drink and pour out her frustrations to her heart’s contents. one of the many things he did pride himself in when he was in a more relaxed environment was that he was a good listener. especially when it comes to yoonah’s problems or really anything. the older was a valued companion and one of the very few people he cherished in this industry. “you are the best,” he said without any hint of joking in his tone. there wasn’t one like her and many wannabes would try but there was only one yonce. he wasn’t about to say anything about lipstick’s songs, however, since he did find some quite catchy.

he sat back a little, asking the bartender to surprise him for his third (or fourth, he didn’t count most of the time) drink. he edged closer to the older, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “and i bet you’ll wow all of us.” his tone is gentle, really admiring the other’s tenacity. “i’m happy you’re finally going to pursue this. i know it was tiring to put on that facade you hate so much.” he let go of her, nudging her playfully. “if you need someone to feature in your song, you got me. i won’t ask for that big of a commission.” 

[fmdiseul-deactivated20180128]

no requiem.

[fmdraewoon]

fmdiseul:  

sunbae.

iseul has to do a double take of the room, checks for other company until he remembers: ah, it’s different now. regardless, iseul’s fears remain intact - have remained intact - for the last few years of his life.he remains seated on the couch, lifting his head only slightly to peer at the door, making sure the new arrival who he thinks he is. hair and makeup arrive a little too late for his liking, drags along an unwanted vision with them as they enter. finally, there’s a face to match the dreaded name.

nightmares don’t just disappear overnight.

and this might be one that just came true.

it’s good to see you again.

( no, it’s not. )

when the thought finally registers and the flashbacks pass through, iseul forces himself up the couch, almost cautiously, as if any wrong movement would cause raewoon to pounce and sucker punch him in the jaw. and, much like middle school, no one would bat an eyelash - not the stylists, not the artists, not the managers. the same way their teachers, the other students, the teacher didn’t. hands are open around his waist in surrender, no crack of his signature, toothy grin on chapped lips.

he’s gestured toward the available seat beside raewoon. steps languid albeit the intention to rush the entire ordeal so he can cower away in the bathroom, he hoists himself up on the chair, eyes the other through the mirror in front of them.

“it’s…” good to see you, too?

“hi.” close enough.

it was a mere coincidence, raewoon realized, once he saw the look in iseul’s face through the mirror. his stomach revolted against him, demanded him to let the younger be on his merry way but he was asked to sit. and so he did, looking at his feet. his manager excused himself then, ever oblivious. not that he’d told anyone that he was that kid who made other kids’ life in school (sometimes, outside as well) a living hell. the kid who thought they were so much better than every one else. the kid who picked on the weak.

glancing at him now, he’d changed quite a bit. his skin was undoubtedly more flawless (his weren’t any better before he became an idol), his hair much shorter than it was before which only served to accentuate his boyish features and raewoon was more accustomed to seeing his eyes glossy with tears and intense with fear but somehow they weren’t the same. he feels a tug at his stomach -- pity, he realized -- and felt his facade crack.

he didn’t let himself linger on the definite effect his actions had on the other.

silence fell in their little space. raewoon felt sick, every part of his body rejecting this meeting. he’d hope that he would never face him again. but alas, fate was playing a game on them. “this is the first time we...we had a schedule together, right?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even, less like he was choking out the words. leaning back against the chair as his face was retouched, raewoon was thankful for the chance to close his eyes as his eye shadow was fixed and his face powdered once again. just for a few moments, he could try to close off his surroundings. when he opened them, he hoped childishly that iseul would disappear. 

he should be the one to disappear instead.

there were people watching. he was sure that some account of their reconciliation would leak out from the staff’s social media platform. raewoon couldn’t risk not showing others that he was ecstatic to meet a long-time friend. his career was the only thing he was holding on to. the only thing that mattered in his life. and he was not about to let the past ruin his future. silently, he sent an apology to iseul. for no matter how many years had passed, he was still the scumbag he met back when they were kids. raewoon could fool himself into thinking he had changed but today was proof that he didn’t.

“why don’t we go have lunch together after? to catch up?”

[fmdraewoon]

time is not a test but proof that we can endure anything.

                                                                                                                    - raewoon ft. @shinfmd

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; A NEW MEETING * }

[fmdraewoon]

sehyunfmd: 

to be honest, when he had approached her, she had been pretty surprised.

there weren’t very many idols who’d simply go up to the singer and offer to have a conversation, besides the usual basic flustered greetings from rookie idols or curt nods from the fellow seniors in the industry. and she recognized him, vaguely — mars was a well-established group, and sehyun thinks she’s heard a few songs of theirs before. so when raewoon introduces himself as a fan with a slight smile, sehyun clears her mind and digs out all the information she can remember about him and his group.

“of course! no problem, it’s great to meet you too. have a seat!” she says with her signature smile, internally attempting to sneak a better peek of his face through the dark hoodie he had on. she hadn’t bothered to mask herself too much; since her original plans had simply been to just grab her usual morning energy booster before heading back into the enclave of her company building. standing up and giving a slight bow, she leans over to pull out the chair for him and curiously peers back up at him. 

somehow, the more sehyun stared at raewoon, the more familiar he appeared. she couldn’t tell whether it was because they’d had interacted before (they probably did, maybe during a music show or something?), or simply because she’d seen his face around on advertisements or the like (that was highly possible too — again, he was a celebrity, and this was her work.) tentatively, she asks, “i’m flattered that you’re a fan…. but uh, have we met before? before this, i mean?”

raewoon zips his lips after that, looking down with a tight lipped smile. i’m also getting coffee so would you like to sit together? since when did he come this stupid? he just can’t approach her out of the blue after that. maybe he was going to get slapped today, even. any woman would be mad, right? after what happened? at least, that’s what he garnered from the numerous tv shows and movies he had watched throughout the years. he wasn’t even sure whether the other would be fine with them even being in the same establishment together. he had just assumed that since something happened, she would like to talk about it.

this was definitely not for his conscience.

surprise made him look up, searching for any sign of animosity or disgust in the other’s eyes. but all he could see was...she was just normal. nothing in those eyes showed that she remembered anything about that night. and it struck him quickly, making him look back down.

maybe she was too drunk to remember.

it didn’t even occur to him in the slightest. still, he had already made the offer and it was too late to back out. he can’t back out. something happened between them and that was...

that his first time.

“oh my god,” he blurted out. shaking his head furiously, he laughed through extreme and painful embarrassment that made his cheeks and the tips of his ears become red. “thank you.” he took the seat that was offered to him after getting his coffee from the pick up counter, hands slightly shaking. “have we met before?” raewoon lost it and accidentally placed his coffee on the edge of the table, the whole cup falling to the ground. he quickly stood and backed away, causing the chair to make a loud sound that echoed throughout the otherwise silent coffee shop.

“i’m so sorry. i was just...i was just so nervous,” he said, struggling with not stuttering. he quickly ran towards the nearest staff and asked for a mop. they insisted they would clean up and it made raewoon feel ten times worse. what were the odds of him making this whole encounter even more embarrassing?

he watched the staff clean up his area and ordered another iced americano. once his area was clean, he sat back down and let out a nervous laugh. “i’m usually not like this,” he blurted out. “forgive me for causing a commotion.”

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; KIN * }

[fmdraewoon]

namjoonfmd: 

he quickly washed his hands in the sink, wiping them off with a paper towel. he discarded it, before looking upon raewoon once more. it was going to be a good time for the two of them, glad that he’s getting to spend time with one of cousins once again. he nodded his head, “yeah, you look fine! it’s mainly just college students and people like that.. like people who like indie music and underground musicians that linger around hongdae.” namjoon knows his stuff.

“oh, right.” he’d forgotten about that. he wasn’t used to those kind of places. even as a student back then, he would shake his head continuously until people stopped inviting him. he preferred a lounge like he and yoonah often visited. but as always, namjoon made him feel more comfortable as someone who was family to him. as children, they didn’t have nearly enough time to hang out but he remembered only fond memories with the older. “thanks. maybe we can uh...” drunk? make out with girls? “have fun!” he concluded, internally facepalming. “let’s go then!” without further ado, he put on his shoes and pushed namjoon’s door open, waiting for the other.

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; DISASTER * }

[fmdraewoon]

fmdhanli: 

trust. hanli hated the word trust. it was a useless, overused word that had lost all its meaning. she’d gone through one too many times of promises and misplaced belief to put her faith into someone new. but, at this very moment, with mere seconds left to performing in front of thousands of people, feeling the warmth of raewoon’s actions through the leather jacket she had on, she knew she had no other option but to trust the older boy. (and also, logically, hanli had no reason to doubt him - he’d been nothing but kind and professional during their practices together.) 

and admittedly, with his hand in hers, hanli felt safe. she stole another glance at the older boy, hoping that it would calm her rapidly-beating heart as cheesy as it sounded, with the spotlight shining down on his face, the colors illuminating his figure, hanli swore that raewoon looked like her guardian angel. sure, they had solved the first problem of the small wardrobe malfunction, but now, hanli had to make sure that the jacket didn’t slip off throughout the vigorous choreography and constant formation changes. 

trust me. raewoon’s voice echoed through her head and straight on cue, the music started. she had her work cut out for her - hanli knew she was susceptible to careless mistakes, with dancing not being one of her strengths and if she made a mistake, she wouldn’t just ruin raewoon’s effort but also, the hardwork of all the other pairs. she tried her best to keep calm, knowing that with a panic-clouded mind, the likelihood of her forgetting the moves would much greater. 

it had all gone swimmingly until the verse kicked in and oh no. she could feel the jacket slowly lose its grip on her body and hanli was never really good with thinking on the spot and oh my god oh no. 

wait, what. raewoon had extended his arm a little too early, but, hanli realized, a few seconds after, it’d saved her from possibly exposing herself to the audience in front of her. and as though it was part of the dance itself, raewoon pushed the jacket’s arms closer to her and hanli could hear the cheers amplify and she wasn’t exaggerating, but the floor shook. hanli knew it was all just professional but the touch had been unexpected and she couldn’t help but the blush that crept up her cheeks, staining it a bright red. oh god. how more embarrassing could she get.  

there was a short pause as another couple took the stage and hanli took the opportunity to give her partner a large, grateful smile. “thank you,” she mouthed. 

soon, the song will finish.

this is what raewoon thought as he made sure everything flowed smoothly until the last second of it. his movements were smooth, reflexes quick and eyes even more so in order to catch anything that could potentially lead to disaster. whenever he met hanli’s gaze, he made sure to communicate through a look alone that everything will be fine. as the second couple took the center stage, the rest of them stood in the shadows.

almost there.

he almost didn’t hear her. but catching the last few syllables that were mouthed, raewoon could imagine what was said. thank you. he felt his cheeks warm at this, and he gave her a sheepish smile. he was trying, truly. and he would have to ask the coordinators to check the quality of the clothes being given to them. in a nice way, of course. if he managed to contain his temper, that is. not only hanli would be in trouble, but all of them if they slacked off.

a few more seconds passed, the song and their dance heightening to a graceful and elegant close. the lights dimmed and the were surrounded in black as well as staff members ushering them off of stage. some of them were pushing huge set props for the next number. it wasn’t until raewoon took the last step down the stage did he lean on to a wall, his knees shaking a little. he gained his composure quickly, making it seem like he was simply checking if his shoes were tied. 

he was about to approach hanli once again but a camera was quickly shoved at her face with a mic. an, he forgot they were doing interviews as well. he stood in the sidelines, even as his manager urged for him to go backstage. he had to make sure the other was fine. it was his responsibility as her sunbae and her partner. this much he told his manager who slipped away, yelling angrily against the phone.

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; UNLUCKY * }

[fmdraewoon]

fmdxvivi: 

sooyeon blinked twice, before the door swung open and one of the staff popped their heads in. “everything alright in here?” she smiled, before giving the concerned woman a thumbs up. 

“just peachy!” (god, who even said peachy?) the door closed behind the staff member, and sooyeon turned back to raewoon. “su-sunbaenim.. why did you scream?” she’d bet her her ears were red. see, she typically enjoyed watching horror movies, and didn’t jump that much at ghosts suddenly popping up the screen or the like, but got scared easily by things in real life. she was pretty sure someone had made a compilation of her getting scared by fireworks, or loud noises on stage. 

raewoon was a senior she respected- she’d achieved immediate success after debut, and she couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it must’ve been for his group. “ah, i haven’t introduced myself formally, have i? i’m wish’s sooyeon, and i look forward to working with you.”

they did not just.

raewoon almost lost balance at hearing someone’s voice other than the younger’s. he still had his back turned as the girls exchanged words. he thought he should busy himself with something and make himself less suspicious so he approached the clothing racks that was closest to him, hands fumbling through different kinds of fabric. “i was vocalizing!” he said quickly, thanking his quick thinking for coming up for the excuse that didn’t seem to out of this world. “i thought i’d challenge you to it.” he laughed awkwardly, finally seeing his name on one of the jackets. he quickly took it and slipped it on.

once with the jacket and taking a peek at the younger to see she was dressed, he turned around, wiping clammy hands against his leather pants. god, when will they stop making him wear these things? he watched as the staff slipped outside without being noticed but not before giving them a warm smile. that meant they were in the clear, at least. he let go of a breath he was holding and smiled. more genuinely and less nervous. “i’m sorry for the commotion,” he said, bowing respectfully. “it’s a pleasure to meet you, sooyeon. i’m mars’ raewoon. i also look forward to working with you.”

now that introductions were out of the way, he somehow felt lighter. slowly, the adrenaline that was pumping in his veins faded away and he felt rather tired. “that was quite a scare for you, wasn’t it?” he asked, looking down. his voice got lower as he spoke and his ears turned red from embarrassment. here i go, making things awkward again. “i should have knocked properly before opening the door. i’m truly sorry.” he bowed deeply this time, staying in that position for a few seconds before straightening up. “i hope you’ll forgive me for that.”

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; RED STRING * }

[fmdraewoon]

fmdar: 

it was hell week. like a student due of homeworks and deadlines and thesis, arin and element was everywhere. she practiced the whole night prior, making sure every move, facial expression, and footing was accurate. it was their last week of promotion. arin was nervous and ecstatic all at once. they finally debuted! and promotions ending meant more opportunities in the near future. element just finished a live music show. arin put up a smile, waving at the fans that stayed from early morning until their last broadcast. it was a privilege; to have someone appreciate your music to the point of diligently supporting them. they were relatively new anyway.

in the van, on the way home, arin sat comfortably at her spot. the street lights blinking through the window resembled the lights of a club, or a flickering lightbulb. it was lulling her to sleep and she was close to slumber when her phone rang. it was a loud ringing, the kind that made you nervous and jump on your seat. the caller, however, shocked her.

raewoon?

he never called. never. arin pushed her confusion aside and answered. the man’s nervous and unexpected voice made arin laugh.

“oh, raewoon oppa! what’s up? are you okay? great timing, just finished filming.” arin’s voice showed concern, amusement, and shock at the same time. as far as anyone’s concerned, arin and raewoon wasn’t in the ‘call me’ basis just yet. maybe he wanted to be friends now?

raewoon thought of hiself as an expert of handling awkward situations, having been in quite a few throughout the years. though he did not fully expect how awkward this was. he looked back on their meeting now, the heat of lights, cameras and people’s gazes on him, and was so sure that he could never bullshit his way out of this. especially when the mc had taken the phone from him already, seemingly excited to have to speak with arin. he didn’t blame him. from what he could gather of the younger so far, she was rather...chill. and he felt guilty that he had sucked her into this mess of a situation.

beads of sweat trickled down his skin, mingling with his foundation that was honestly too fair for his skintone. and he was quite fair already. the mc had began bombarding arin with questions. how did you meet? and do you recall what you thought of raewoon ssi for the first time? maybe you can enlighten us about something we don’t know about him? the mc even made a great cover by saying that the two of them were simply hanging out and wanted some tips in order to know him better.

god forbid they ask her more questions.

quick, think.

“a-ah jeongjin ssi...” he said loudly. all attention turned towards him. if only he could say something that let him have control of the situation. goddamit, his image training will not go to waste like this. smile. that was the first step. he smiled, dazzling pearly whites showing. “most of what arin ssi knows, i’ve already shared with all of you. i’m a pretty transparent person” ha. as if “plus, i don’t think she’d remember her first impression of me. right, arin ssi?”

[showkis]

too hot :(

later:

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; LOOK HERE * }

( SUMMONING !! @fmdrizo )

“care to explain what happened?”

raewoon fought the urge to curse. this was so stupid he could barely connect the reasons why this would happen in the first place. 

it all started earlier that afternoon. he was simply on his way to his favorite bakery to get some much deserved treat after a long day. it was very rare that he craved for sweets but when he did, he enjoyed having luscious chocolate cake. and he couldn’t believe that it was the same chocolate cake that gave him pure bliss that would bring them to this situation.

“we were just bickering like usual,” he said, sighing as he gave his manager the ipad opened with articles from different news sites. “they must have thought we were arguing. i thought i already told people we were close in that magazine interview. i should call him.”

raewoon was given his manager’s phone and in a few moments, he was listening to the ringing from the other line. when it stopped, he couldn’t help but laugh. “bro, did you see the news? you okay there?”

[fmdiseul-deactivated20180128]

no requiem.

[fmdraewoon]

fmdiseul:

@fmdraewoon

it wasn’t the photo, but the name.

oh raewoon. 

it echoes in his hazy mind, has been since middle school and beyond - from magazines and television screens. insecurities bloomed where there’s not enough light to scare the shadows away. there was only screaming on his part, internal and never one to surpass a mere whimper. just the name sends him into a spiral of conflicted emotions - anxiety, for the most part. however, there is a tinge of excitement, how thrilling it would be to finally see a rival (not on his end) from years ago take his first steps back into iseul’s life.

the positivity is fleeting

he shuts his eyes, head thrown back against the backrest of the dressing room couch. shapes form on the back of his eyelids, and he easily remembers: obscene words on his desk every morning; new shoes haphazardly flung into the trash; wet and worn pages of his textbooks, dripping and stuffed into the confines of his bag; his mother yelling at him for being careless as careful excuses slipped from between pale, chapped lips, if only to save himself from further humiliation.

i deserve it, was and is the main idea.

( why, though? he isn’t sure. )

iseul could barely put a face on the name.

that is, until the face walked into the room.

i don’t deserve it.

he doesn’t deserve to feel whatever it is he is feeling but at the appearance of him, he feels fear choke him with its vice like grip. panic and paranoia follow in suit, and he is sure that all the years of image training will go to waste. the pictures shock him and how others connected the dots even more so. he almost laughed earlier, the mcs thinking that he and iseul were longtime friends. it was a joke, and he wished he was the first to tell them that they were not. but words were jumbled and distorted in his brain and it was impossible to respond. he laughed, hoping the cameras would turn away.

why now?

he regulates his breathing. one, two and threes uttered between pink lips that puff out air. his manager is first to notice his state. what happened? are you okay? he should be okay. he wasn’t the one his manager should be concerned for. a faint “yes” slips past his lips in between four and five and he lets himself be ushered into the dressing room. only when he looked up did he see that ah...he wasn’t the only one in the room.

“i forgot to tell you that we got moved since there was a big group coming in that needed the dressing room,” his manager said, walking past him to where his things were. he was slowly packing up while talking with the hair and make-up team. one of them approached him, telling them they needed to touch up his make-up for his next schedule. raewoon puffed his cheeks and sucked them in, trying to get as much air in his lungs before he runs out. his hands are clammy and his forehead soon forming sweat that run down his face. 

“h-hello sunbae,” he manages to whisper as he passed iseul. raewoon reached for the chair and sat himself up on it heavily. “it’s...good to see you again.”

i thought i changed already.

[fmdraewoon]

{ ⇢ ; A NEW MEETING * }

( SUMMONING !! @sehyunfmd )

there were an infinite number of mistakes one can make in a lifetime. in raewoon’s case, he thought that he already reached his quota. especially when he woke up last week with a massive hangover and in a foreign bed. he remembered the intense dizziness and urge to puke so he did that first. and when he came back, he saw the blanket move. he was frozen in fear, but slowly tugged at the blanket from the bottom edge of the bed, slowly revealing the form of a girl. he tripped when he tried to walk to see who it was and when he saw, he felt a chill run down his spine. what he did next was put on his clothes and leave a note to say he was sorry then left the motel.

of course there was a chance that they would meet again. the idol world was indeed vast but it was still possible. raewoon was especially jumpy after the accident and he almost didn’t believe it when he was faced with her now. of course, he noticed her right away. there was no mistaking it. he just wanted some coffee, not to have whatever he did slapped to his face. she must resent me, he thought, peeking at her through his hoodie.

he could pretend that nothing happened. that would be the safer route to take. but that wasn’t the way to take care of the situation. he had already cowardly left a note instead of facing this head on. priding himself in being a good human being (now, not before) he decided he could buy her some coffee and introduce himself. he didn’t even remember if he introduced himself to her before they...did that.

“you’re sehyun ssi, yes? i’m a huge fan. mars’ raewoon. since i’m also going to get some coffee...would you like to sit together?”

[shinfmd-blog]

˗ˏˋ you’re my lifeline ⦙ history ˊˎ˗

[fmdraewoon]

shinfmd:

✧･ﾟ: *  —  BUZZING. all he hears is buzzing as the words leave raewoon’s parted lips, shinhyuk’s eyes avoiding the teary gaze of his distraught best friend. even right now, his mind focuses on the anger that colors raewoon’s eyes instead of his own pain. and then it dissipates and he’s left staring into browns filled with an emotion that he’s unsure he still has the capability to feel. a despondency tugs the corners of his lips slightly upwards, fingers combing through messy brown hair. ❛ what can people do for me? ❜ the question is one that haunts his thoughts every night. ❛ how can people protect me? how can they make me happy?❜

how can people protect me when they don’t see the truth to begin with?

there’s too much in the world, he muses, that most people either CHOOSE to ignore or are unaware of completely. and in this case, who else can step up to fill the shoes that he has stepped into? who, when it’s seemingly only shinhyuk who SEES the truth before it’s too late and the world has already done its damage? who can protect a man who sees the horrors of reality before most people even begin to notice?

shinhyuk bites back the urge to swear, to finally scream at raewoon for every single INSENSITIVE thing he’s been saying to him all this time. and his thought is reaffirmed—- there is NO ONE to save him in this world, no one who can do for him what he has done for others. this mere conversation has been proof of that. and for a moment, he finally feels like this whole thing is UNFAIR. hasn’t he been through enough in one night? why then, is his BEST FRIEND berating him after he sought him out for COMFORT? shinhyuk needed the solace in his best friend’s company yet now all he’s filled with is REGRET.

the executive’s touch suddenly lingers against his skin, tears unknowingly springing to the rapper’s eyes. he follows raewoon’s footsteps, standing by the door. and as he speaks, he does his best to mask the break in his voice. ❛ i came here to grieve about something i lost, something i gave away. and most importantly, i came here for my best friend. let me know when he gets back. ❜

and with that, shinhyuk moves to leave.

maybe he should have just stayed the night on those fucking obnoxious silk sheets. maybe he should have just kept his mouth fucking sewn shut like the executive had told him. his lips tug into an acrimonious grimace as he takes his steps. the abused are not comforted; instead, their mistakes are thrown at their face.

he didn’t understand the frustration. and it made raewoon cry even more, punching the floor to release the anger that came with the sadness. shin’s words circled in his mind and he couldn’t even fathom how the other could think like that? what can people do? how can they make him happy? how can they protect him? raewoon thought he could at least do one or all of the above. and he hated that shin didn’t think of it the same. what was he to shin? wasn’t a friend supposed to help? didn’t he have a right, as his best friend, to be angry that he was there doing things all by himself and hurting himself in the process?

didn’t he have the right to have a chance to protect him?

maybe it was his inexperience with friendships. he didn’t have many and he felt that shin would disappear from his grasps because of his outburst. he should have just comforted him. why did he always have such a harsh way of talking to people? and he thought the right time to be a fucking asshole was when his best friend was going through something. 

“i came here for my best friend. let me know when he gets back.”

he wanted to scream.

he had always been there. he had always watched while the other worked harder than anyone he’s seen before. he was there when he would get fevers or nosebleeds from overworking, he was there when he would get bruises and scratches when he was involved in some fight and he was there when he needed him. even when he didn’t. but not once when shin was happy. how was it that the memories that flashed in his mind were only sad ones? it made his heart ache for him. he should have handled this better. where was his rational side? he was always rational. but somehow, hearing that shin was violated like that...

“what’s wrong with me?” he sobbed, clutching his shirt.