sirius

song shinhyuk. 19900618. alien's leader & main rapper. robot dad™. angsty baby who feels dead inside and needs love. ( mobile nav )

[fmdiseul-deactivated20180128]

all the wrong reasons.

@shinfmd​

post-show jitters are getting to him.

( for all the wrong reasons. )

iseul waits backstage after the winning group performs their encore, additional gimmicks and all, silly vows they made to fans once they manage to garner their well-deserved trophy. speaking of trophies, iseul is hoping to get one tonight in the form of a conversation. not that he’s ever managed to blurt out any more than a few (single, really) syllables at the sight of shinhyuk, and it’s highly reminiscent of high school where his glistening eyes would do the talking for him.

thank you, they always said.

not that shinhyuk’s ever noticed, either.

hands anxiously rub themselves together as he stands behind the curtains, watches as each group begins their retreat to the dressing rooms. once alien starts moving, iseul straightens his back, takes a deep breath, and counts the members until his eyes land on his beloved target - who, really, just passes by him. no big deal. what else is new?

( this feels a lot like high school. )

tentatively, he reaches out for the other’s arm, only to end up pulling back, and, instead, subjects himself to following the other around like a confused puppy. there’s a panic that surges through his veins when they reach the aforementioned group’s dressing room, and thus instinct has fingers gently clutching at the other’s forearm. ah, shit. what do i–

“hey. i– hey. i just– i’m sorry. i’m– i just really–”

smooth.

[shinfmd-blog]

✧･ﾟ: *  —  he rather likes performing. being onstage with his family, seeing the joy on their fans’ faces, hearing them sing along and chant their names. it almost makes all the difficulties WORTH it. when he’s up there, he can only think about performing. he doesn’t think about anything else, about his pain or his past. just performing. and he doesn’t think there’s anything else in this world that can rival such a feeling.

but as performances end and they all file into the waiting rooms, he’s no longer the charismatic rapper that he is onstage. he’s still just a broken man with broken dreams and a broken heart, with enough pain and suffering to last him several lifetimes. ( he suddenly remembers the first time his father punched him as a child, poor innocent baby shinhyuk didn’t know there would be worse things coming in the future )

and as if the past truly did decide to pull him back into it, his arm is abruptly grabbed and he flinches on impulse. expression hardened, he turns to the other. ❛ what? ❜ he blurts out, and then the recognition hits him. oh—-

❛ i know you. ❜ 

and he’s not sure whether to talk about his group or their interactions as children. either way, this stranger isn’t exactly a stranger at all.

[shinfmd-blog]

˗ˏˋ the hero, the saved ˊˎ˗

[shinfmd-blog]

fmddarling:

◊ * , + ;    —  she does care, and she hopes shinhyuk knows that. tonight more than most nights, she’s tried to let him know. but the part of soojin that has been broken and broken so many times, the part that was never cared for so she never bothered to care, holds her back from saying any words that make it too obvious. sometimes she hated that she was like that, but it was important to keep her walls up. “okay.” that’s all she said in response. of course, she didn’t agree with him. he was taken advantage of, just like her. but she knew, from her own experiences, that there was no convincing him. at least not now, at least not in one night. as much as she wanted him to see that, and wanted him to see his worth, she knew not to push it. eventually she would make him see it. that was her goal. but for now, she was content in just holding his hand. soojin wasn’t used to physical touch that didn’t lead to something sexual, but she couldn’t help but think that it was nice,

✧･ﾟ: *  —  it’s mostly dark, with the moonlight casting a shadow on soojin’s face that highlights the high points of her visage. emotions—- he sees them in her eyes despite the walls she’s carefully built around herself. he sees them in the way she looks at him, the way her gaze conveys messages that words simply aren’t enough to convey. it’s in the way her lips move when she talks, the way she pauses before speaking, the way she meets his gaze and turns away when things get too much. is it because they were kind of alike? regardless of the reason, shinhyuk SEES it. and he hopes she feels his sincerity as well. there’s a silence that looms in the air, comfortable, and at the glimpse of his hand loosely holding onto soojin’s, he says, ❛ thanks. ❜ 

[shinfmd-blog]

˗ˏˋ the hero, the saved ˊˎ˗

[shinfmd-blog]

fmddarling:

his words forced a wry smile onto soojin’s lips. “now if only you would believe the words you said to me.” they were both hypocritical to an extent. they could see what the other had gone through for what it was, but not their own situation. soojin had never wanted anyone’s pity, that was part of the reason she didn’t share what had happened to her. but it didn’t feel like pity coming from shin. he genuinely cared, and he felt the same anger that she felt towards his rapist. the drink had her feeling a little warmer, so she reached out her hand once more to take shin’s in a comforting manner. “you didn’t want it either.” for the first time in a long time, she feels truly comfortable with someone. she doesn’t regret telling him about her past. it was surprisingly relieving to get it off her chest. soojin is wanted and that in itself (mixed with the alcohol) is enough to bring the smallest of smiles to her lips.

✧･ﾟ: *  —  oh. right. he had gone through something as well. it’s ironic, he muses, how quick he is to reassure the woman beside him of how much he truly CARES for her and wishes for her to believe in the words that he can’t ever say to himself. her words bring him to a pause, lips parting ever so slightly as he tilts his head up to the sky. he didn’t want it, this is true. but in the end, it still was a choice he had to make. ❛ i followed him to his apartment. ❜ he didn’t have to and he did. he could have ran, he could have gone home, he could have gone anywhere else but there. but he didn’t. and that’s a decision he has to live with for the rest of his life. yet as her hand fills his much larger ones with warmth, there’s a part of him that WANTS to believe in the alternative truth that many of his loved ones relay to him. that he was a victim and that the choice had already been made for him.

[sehyunfmd-blog]

for @shinfmd.

sehyun tugged the itchy folds of her skirt further down, tapping her fingers on the sides of the lift handlebars absently as the doors of the lift closed, the robotic voice announcing that it was about to travel up. it was a hot afternoon, and sehyun’s manager had told her to go on upstairs first, since he’d suddenly got some ‘important phone call’ to take and sehyun was already late for the event she was supposed to be at. what kind of manager lets an idol go on her own, she had grumbled to herself, but nonetheless, she’d stepped into the lift by herself, briefly making eye contact with a male idol who was on his own as well, bowing slightly politely before turning around to face the lift doors. 

it had only been a few seconds after the lift had started going up when it suddenly jerked violently, making a loud whirring noise, and the entire lift coming to a standstill. the lift screen went blank for a moment, before the familiar voice came back on, announcing that the lift had malfunctioned. cue sehyun’s high-pitched screaming.

“oh god!” she rushed forward to pound on the lift doors. “i can’t be stuck in here, there’s no fresh air in here; and…. i’m already so late!” 

[shinfmd-blog]

✧･ﾟ: *  —  he knew her. OF her. who didn’t? this was jung sehyun, from bc. there isn’a body in the planet that didn’t know who she was. he remembers her debut, a little under a year after alien made theirs. innocent, far different from his group’s concepts. though he's always been rather skeptical about the CONCEPT itself. but that’s just him—- innocent concepts make him uncomfortable. he bows politely in response when she greets.

in the abruptness of it all, shinhyuk merely holds onto the rail and looks up as the screen where their floor is stated turns black. he supposes he should be more like the other, who’s gone frantic and foolishly pounding on the door as if that would do any good. he merely says—- ❛ oh. ❜ for a quiet moment before walking over to the panel and pressing the emergency call button. there’s a pause before a voice breaks the silence.

❛ hi, this is song shinhyuk. i am with jung sehyun. the elevator stopped working. ❜ from there, he proceeded to read off the elevator number written above the panel. a heavy sigh slips past his lips as the call ends.

a power outage with a broken generator. no one knows how long it’s going to take. ❛ oh well. ❜ is shinhyuk way too calm for this? yes. does he even care about making it out? probably not.

[shinfmd-blog]

-ˏˋ privacy please ˊˎ-

[shinfmd-blog]

fmdrizo:

insoo follows after shinhyuk in pensive silence. – his body is weightless, movements slow and careful and quiet, as if one misstep could shatter the fragility of the moment, the apprehension coiled within him, anticipating mistake after mistake after mistake. – he wants a lot of things. he wants to be strong for shin; he wants to know how. he wants himself to be every bit the saving grace his leader had been for him, but he knows that that want is an implausible one. – song shinhyuk is song shinhyuk, and cha insoo is cha insoo. they work well together because they’re not quite the same; insoo knows that. – right now, the very best he can do is just be himself. not strong, not a savior. just insoo, alien’s maknae, who speaks more with his silences than he does with his words. ( because maybe– just maybe? – song shinhyuk needs cha insoo the way cha insoo needs song shinhyuk. )

when they arrive at their destination, insoo dips his head down, into a polite bow. “hi eomeoni,” he murmurs, a small, shy smile crossing his features. he only has fond memories of her, because in a lot of ways, she had reminded him of his own mother. he sits cross-legged on the blanket, nodding up at shinhyuk before his eyes fall once again on the headstone. “shin-hyung is always taking care of me. – um. i don’t really know how to thank him, but if you think of something, .. could you let me know?”

✧･ﾟ: *  —  there’s a different expression on song shinhyuk’s face, unreadable as the seconds tick by. a rush of emotions overwhelm his chest and he’s left uncertain about what to say next. shinhyuk’s fingertips brush against the stone, his eyes closing briefly. and then he speaks to break the silence. ❛ you’re ready for our comeback, right, ma? ❜

every comeback is a different struggle, the expectations set by the company firmly placed so high in the hopes of a FAILURE by alien—- the bane of their existence. he finds himself shuddering, memories from the lawsuit slowly creeping back into the front of his mind. but he shrugs it away and focuses instead on the present. with his mom, insoo, and food carefully prepared. today is a day to bond with the people he LOVES. so he opens each carefully packed container of food and hands insoo his chopsticks, urging him to start first. ❛ we’ll prove those bastards wrong, ma, don’t you worry about that. ❜ his voice is low, the anger rising in his eyes.

[shinfmd-blog]

[shinfmd-blog]

-ˏˋ the dad and his baby ˊˎ-

[shinfmd-blog]

✧･ﾟ: * — there isn't much to say, although shinhyuk has always been a man of few words to begin with. instead, it is the warmest of SMILES that convey every loving thought in his mind, an affectionate hand moving to again pat the top of the younger's head. ❛ i'll let you know. ❜ silence again fills the air as shinhyuk finds himself pondering on something that he had been thinking of for quite some time now. ❛ i'm thinking of releasing a mini-album. maybe. ❜ it's only a thought as of now, but he's been working on a couple of songs that he's rather proud of (outside of alien's music, of course). ❛ not anytime soon, since we're having our comeback. ❜

[fmdraewoon]

time is not a test but proof that we can endure anything.

                                                                                                                    - raewoon ft. @shinfmd

[fmdrizo-archive]

mercury & neptune ( @shinfmd )

“ you deserve a love so big it dims the sky and sets fire to the stars. a love so `e x p a n s i v e` it weaves constellations so you never forget who you are. ”

Keep reading

[shinfmd-blog]

-ˏˋ parental duties ˊˎ-

for @kianfmd

✧･ﾟ: *  —  ask anyone, alien is the only source of STRENGTH that song shinhyuk has left. and he’s always incredibly GRATEFUL that the lawsuit proved to bring them CLOSER than force them apart. it’s early morning and he’s the first awake, which meant he’s in charge of breakfast preparations. but soon enough, kian emerges from his room and shinhyuk tips his head towards him in greeting. ❛ perfect timing, i didn’t know what to make for breakfast today. insoo still asleep? ❜

[shinfmd-blog]

i owe a bunch of stuff and i’ll do my best to get a bunch done tonight. but i’m so exhausted (14 hours of travel time fam) and i have class tomorrow so idk how much i’ll be able to get done. i’ll do my best!!!!

bUT Y’ALL MORE ALIEN I AM ALIVESKDSAS y’all don’t understand how soft i am for alien and moreover ong seongwoo????? im l i v i n g,,, plus more opportunity for dad!shin and soft!shin to appear tbh

and then mama bear jia will have a complete bee?????? IM S O EXCITED FAM LIKE Y O 

[shinfmd-blog]

color.

word count: 853

there is a splash of color among the constant black and white in which song shinhyuk’s life plays before his eyes. that source of light is alien.

shinhyuk never really needed glasses as a child but his life is all just one big blur to him as of late. he remembers every DETAIL yet it all appears in his mind as a fuzz, clarity reduced to near zero. perhaps it’s a defense mechanism—- at least, that’s what his therapist suggests as he’s sitting in her office, eyes distant, looking out the window where rain rolls down the glass. they’re on the third floor and the office offers a view of the city that helps him focus on anything other than the fact that he’s HERE. plausible, yes. but why?

what even is there left to defend against?

she mentions the word REGRET. shinhyuk leaves no room for hesitation as he rejects the idea with a firm shake of his head. no, he doesn't regret it. why should he, when it was a choice he had made? why should he, when he could have easily said no? why should he, when he could have just gone home after the meeting? no, he doesn't regret it.

after all, it was his choice.

then do you feel good about it? that next question brings him PAUSE. it's a question loaded with a multitude of emotions, stirring his thoughts into one big puddle of mush. no, it didn't feel good. yet on some level, he supposes it did. not the act in itself, but the chain of events that happened afterwards. ❛ at the time, i wasn't really thinking, i guess. ❜ the words leave his lips, idle lips that twitch in discomfort as he suddenly starts craving for a cigarette ❛ did we reach a settlement because of me? no one would ever really know. what i did could have influenced them, it could have not. and at this point, i don't really CARE. i did it, it happened. we got a settlement. we're still around. correlation doesn't mean causation. but in the end, this is the outcome. ❜

he peels his gaze away from the window to study the woman's face. small. pretty. probably would have made it into bc just by her visuals alone. she's petite though; he towers over her every time he first greets her by the door. her voice is always calm, soothing. it manages to placate him whenever anger rises within him and threatens to spill out. she's looking back at him, meeting his eyes with a neutral look on her face. and then here lips part and she says, tell me about alien.

❛ i love those boys. more than they will ever know. ❜ the words leave his lips almost immediately. and again, he turns away to gaze out the window. the rain has stopped. ❛ they give me life. something to look forward to every morning when i wake up. ❜ for a moment, a smile ghosts upon his lips as a memory flashes in his mind. ❛ sometimes, when i sleep in and kian's not around, insoo wakes me up with a guilty look on his face. usually, either one of us makes him breakfast. but on the rare occasions that we don't, he always has this adorable look on his face when he wakes me up. like he feels bad that he can't work his way around the kitchen and has to interrupt my sleep, even though i keep telling him I don't mind at all. ❜

❛ kian's independent. and he's a hell of a good cook, maybe better than me. ❜ at this point, an uncharacteristic chuckle slips past his lips. ❛ i love his voice. that kind of voice is a blessing and it has the power to touch hearts. ❜ it’s touched his on more than one occasion, something that he doesn’t even think possible anymore. kian’s singing always provides him some sort of HEALING, like a simple song from the other could relieve the pain that’s settled in his chest like the permanence he never wanted.

he goes on like that for a while longer and his eyes are animated and his expression looks so ALIVE. but that’s always what happens when he talks about alien. at present, there really isn’t much that could get shinhyuk to openly engage in conversation. except alien, his family. there’s a genuine mirth on his face that nowadays RARELY ever appears as he gazes out the window. from the third floor of the building, he has a decent view of the sky. the rain is no longer pouring, the dark clouds have rolled away. and in the distance, a rainbow has arched itself atop the city that has effectively changed his life.

you looked happy. talking just now, you looked happy. at this, he looks back at her and shrugs. ❛ i’m still capable of love, ❜ he muses out loud. ❛ i love my group, i love my boys. no matter what happens to me, so long as they’re okay, i’m content. ❜

[shinfmd-blog]

[shinfmd-blog]

when alien disbands, nothing you did will matter

he’s silent for the most part, though it is a silence characteristic of song shinhyuk to begin with. and then he speaks, his voice firm. ❛ it was never about me. ❜ whether or not his actions mattered did not mean anything to him. and in truth, it’s not so much about keeping alien together than it was about keeping his members’ dreams ALIVE. disbanded or not, so long as his boys were okay.

[shinfmd-blog]

no one will ever want you because no one wants used goods

the words are meant to hurt him, yet he remains unfazed. his shoulders merely roll a shrug in response. ❛ i know that. ❜ the truth no longer hurts him, he supposes. he’s not entirely sure if this is a good thing, though.

[angstmemes]

Try to break my muse’s heart in a single sentence.

[shinfmd-blog]

˗ˏˋ you’re my lifeline ⦙ history ˊˎ˗

[shinfmd-blog]

fmdraewoon:

he didn’t understand the frustration. and it made raewoon cry even more, punching the floor to release the anger that came with the sadness. shin’s words circled in his mind and he couldn’t even fathom how the other could think like that? what can people do? how can they make him happy? how can they protect him? raewoon thought he could at least do one or all of the above. and he hated that shin didn’t think of it the same. what was he to shin? wasn’t a friend supposed to help? didn’t he have a right, as his best friend, to be angry that he was there doing things all by himself and hurting himself in the process?

didn’t he have the right to have a chance to protect him?

maybe it was his inexperience with friendships. he didn’t have many and he felt that shin would disappear from his grasps because of his outburst. he should have just comforted him. why did he always have such a harsh way of talking to people? and he thought the right time to be a fucking asshole was when his best friend was going through something. 

“i came here for my best friend. let me know when he gets back.”

he wanted to scream.

he had always been there. he had always watched while the other worked harder than anyone he’s seen before. he was there when he would get fevers or nosebleeds from overworking, he was there when he would get bruises and scratches when he was involved in some fight and he was there when he needed him. even when he didn’t. but not once when shin was happy. how was it that the memories that flashed in his mind were only sad ones? it made his heart ache for him. he should have handled this better. where was his rational side? he was always rational. but somehow, hearing that shin was violated like that…

“what’s wrong with me?” he sobbed, clutching his shirt.

✧･ﾟ: *  —  is now the time to walk out that door? that is the question that PLAGUES song shinhyuk’s mind as his feet move one in front of the other, fists curled into his palms. is he to leave now? maybe that would be best, he muses. there’s nothing more for him to do there now. not after this. but he has to pause for a long moment because—-

where else can he go?

does he go back to the dorms and let his members see him in the wake of his DESTRUCTION? no. that’s not an option. should he just walk out without a particular destination and see where it leads him? should he just step out and go wherever the wind takes him, without any regard for his own safety? at this point, shinhyuk doesn’t care.

wandering it is. no destination, just walk wherever the road takes him.

but his feet are stuck to the floor beneath him, his lips pressed together so tightly that they’ve effectively turned WHITE. his head turns in the direction of raewoon’s bedroom; should he go back and make amends? try to fix this? because the moment he steps out of this place, shinhyuk’s not coming back. and there’s no guarantee he’ll be okay tomorrow. but then shinhyuk’s expression hardens and he says NO. raewoon can’t help him now. no one can.

he’s on his own. and it’s time to leave. fuck all of this, he thinks. fuck it all. song shinhyuk is a dead man walking. maybe he’d be better off actually DEAD.