smoke.

SEBASTIAN ST. GERMAIN. CIEL. est. 1998.〔 we inhale the very thing that kills us, just so we can feel more ALIVE. 〕

[minixmina]

After Vice’s debut, Minyue’s schedule was full, or that was how she felt after not doing a lot of activities other than practicing and practicing more. It was quite a pleasant surprise when she was told about her participation in a variety show. The smile wouldn’t leave her face for days. Dressed up for the occasion, Minyue walked into the studio, clearly excited for whatever she was going to do, meet her sunbaes and hopefully promote her group.

Mingyue recognized the face of a fellow idol making her smile from ear to ear bowing quickly to greet them politely but loosing her balance in the middle. “I’m fine!” She speaks while laughing brightly at her own clumsiness, luckily nothing could be seen even thought she was wearing a dress. Mingyue knows that she needs to be more careful with her actions since she is an idol now and she was expected from her. Blushing bright red before seeking for protection in the nearest wall. Walking was to hard for her apparently. “Hello, it’s lovely to see you here!”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

let's play a game: name something sebastian actually liked doing as an idol. if you guessed variety shows, wrong. sebastian wasn’t particularly fond of the roles of idols, of the standards expected and placed by fans and the general public. he wasn’t a circus animal beckoned through hoops for laughter and applause; he sang and danced for that. even then, he couldn’t care less if others enjoyed the show. as long as he got paid.

so maybe a variety appearance wasn’t such an awful idea. he would be paid a talent fee. either diminish his trainee debt some more or earn an extra allowance. a bonus meant a contented sebastian, but he still hated variety shows. and he hated his managers for choosing him out of the thirteen members of charm. 

he knew why him over the rest: exposure because he was least known but had a decent amount of fans to maybe raise ratings. he could see it now, though. most his parts would be edited out. unlike most, sebastian didn’t try to stand out, didn’t bother. it was whatever. meeting other idols was also whatever. 

“yeah, i’m sure it is,” he responded dryly, almost yawning as he tried to recognize the girl. someone from dimensions, he assumed. but sebastian was notoriously bad at faces. “what group are you in?” 

[fmdholly]

starter for @fmdsebastian // tous les jours, mid-afternoon on a saturday.

holly should’ve known it’d be a nightmare to be out in public with sebastian. this man-child seemed to have an attention span of a gnat and wasn’t the best conversationalist to have around. but oddly enough, there’s no irritation beneath her words. no outward impatience at the small tug she makes at his sleeve. it’s endearing — the way he speaks his mind and is unafraid to be himself. like a child, who couldn’t be contained, giddiness written all over his face as flitting over all the selections ripe for the picking.

“cute,” you’re cute is a sentiment left unspoken. subtle fondness finding its way in the gentle curve of her lips, spilling over into the light press of her fingers curled around sebastian’s wrist. “the pastries, i mean. hungry?” because she’s starving, the light grumble of her stomach having announced its protest some four blocks back. “pick your poison, chanhwi–noona’s treat.”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

holly and sebastian were an odd, peculiar pair. on paper, they didn’t make sense or maybe they did if you read between the lines where something ominous existed, where shadows lurked and the inner desires of humans dwelt---somewhere almost evil but not; somewhere real where masks were thrown aside, and they could be themselves. holly was a lady. knew how to at, knew what she wanted and how to do get it. she was someone admirable, someone he could aspire to emulate. she was real, didn’t pretend to tolerate him for the sake of familiarity. 

the gentle tug of fabric caught his attention as it fleeted from one pastry onto another, mind almost tasting grain and sugar and hunger culminated in the breaks of inhales then exhales. every breath, sebastian grew hungrier. “cute pastries?” confusion twisted his nose, peering down at holly in an almost condescending manner. but he was more amused, more piqued by her onslaught of words that eternally leaves him on the edge of something exciting. “first, it’s sebastian. that’s my real name. written on my birth certificate. second, i want one of everything. and maybe i’ll share with you, seolhee---” it was daring and bold, but entirely sebastian to push the boundaries, to smirk his way onto unknown territory. 

[fmdxkiyoung-deactivated20181029]

listen to it // kei & ciel

it might’ve been slightly annoying but kei wasn’t known to be not annoying. with two of his group mates finally releasing music, kei was ready to take it on himself. that included working on the music himself. and now he wanted feedback, so he went to the one of the members in the vocal unit. while his role in the group would be a rapper, his solo work would focus on his vocals. that meant pestering ciel until the other finally listened to his music.

it kept being pushed back but today he was ready. kei waited until the other was in the practice room and walked in with his laptop out and ready. “today, today will be the day you listen.” it might’ve been a little sudden but he didn’t care. “you can’t get out of this now.”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

he didn’t want to be there. not at all. not for the life of him. but there sebastian was, confronted by kei, who was muttering the same old tune of listening to something. call him impossible, call him an asshole, but sebastian didn’t help others. he was selfish, only cared about himself. no one else mattered. 

especially anyone from his group. he could have been flattered kiyoung sought for his opinion rather than the vocal team leader, but he wasn’t. laziness nestled in the crooks and crannies of sebastian’s existence. something awful lurked there, too. 

“can’t you ask someone else?” he stepped to side, passing kiyoung in an eclipse of a blink and a troubled, irritated sigh. “ask theo or taeho. i don’t see how you of all people would need my advice.”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ iseulxfmd! }

dancing was everything to iseul, probably a bit too much. he often allowed the rest of the world to fall by the waist side in order to create such beauty. he wasn’t always as great as he is now, there was a time he often thought he had two left feet. which no one would believe now that he’s had years of training under his belt. iseul isn’t even sure why he took to dancing in the first place, when singing was his first passion. he knew sebastian asked him for a reason, and not anyone else. there was nothing nice about asking for help, which is why he often didn’t do it, always feeling like he should know it already. but this was a fellow member, a close friend that he could never say no to. “you just gotta practice,” he replied, breathing heavy from the dance he had just completed. “i know it sounds insane, because everyone says all you need to do is practice but they’re right. i wasn’t always this good, ya know. we all have to start somewhere, seb. you should have a bit more faith in yourself.”

faith was such a foolhardy existence. it was blind hope, dreaming without a foothold; it was leaping over an abyss and praying to make it to the other side by one’s own strength and willpower and maybe luck, too. lucky are those with something to believe in. rose-coloured sunglasses masqueraded the world from pure, innocent eyes.

sebastian saw the world — no humanity for what it was. grey with a tinge of slate and sometimes scarlet. a maelstorm of vices and so little virtues.

he had no faith.

especially not in himself.

“faith and practice sound so excruciatingly long. and i don’t have time for that. we’re not getting any younger, y’know.” exhaustion didn’t suit him like the way it did iseul. beads of sweat rolled, the chase of oxygen thrummed pink high on the apple of his cheeks, breathless pats crackling between words. “it sounds very you. faith, practicing... humility.” sebastian eyed carefully then retired his shoulders into a shrug, allowing invisible weights to sag him down. he leaned against one mirror, existing purely in the skepticism within his gaze and the articulate lift of a single brow. “that’s not me. got any pointers for lazy-asses such as myself?”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ miaxfmd! }

( ... )

she’d ARCH an eyebrow if it would show past the sheet mask currently on her face as he passes her the piece of paper. now hyejung is no expert at french- she’d b a r e l y taken a year of it before she’d left canada. in all honesty, she would’ve thought it was a PERFECTLY FINE list of words as well. until she spots ONE, and then spots another, and realizes these words were NOTthings an idol should say.

“do you want your manager to stick one up your ass or do you want the netizens to do it instead?”

he didn’t know how to answer, though, sebastian wasn’t at all left speechless by the harsh quality of her words and matching snarl. he almost coughed up a cheeky chuckle, but that would surely do hyejung’s head in. as much as that was his primary goal, to frustrate the living daylights out of her, he knew when to call it even. well, not even but when to draw the line. exasperation was written across hyejung’s face, sheet mask aside. instinct or not, he saw it in her eyes and the slight wrinkle of a disposable, serum-diluted veneer above her nose. if he wasn’t used to seeing hyejung in her natural habitat, he’d laugh.

sebastian was doing an awful lot of stifling and not enough explaining himself. “hard to say,” he rode along the wave of her comment, tapping his chin with a single for an added, contemplative effect. as if he would ever consider one option over the other, when both would be so detrimental to life as he knew it. “i don’t like those options. have anything else? and if you don’t like what i have—“ he ripped the sheet of nonsense from her eyes, out of sight and mind behind his back. “do you any better ideas, mademoiselle?”

[fmdsooyeonarchived]

♡ ˙ ˖ ✧  —— the idea of kissing him wasn’t as repulsive as sooyeon would’ve thought it to be. it was… almost nice, in fact, to imagine him kissing her. pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she shrugged, a perfect mask of indifference on her face. sooyeon truly was a much better actor than she gave herself credit for — looking so calm even when her stomach was doing an olympic medal worthy gymnastic routine. “if you wanted to kiss me, you should’ve just said so.” she blew a faux kiss at him flippantly, eyes meeting his for the briefest of moments before abruptly dropping her gaze.

his initial reaction had her heart sinking. why was it she wanted him, in particular, to stay? it would be all too easy to climb into one of the other members’ beds for the human contact she needed to have a good night’s sleep. deciding not to give herself a headache over it, she grinned at his decision to stay. “i’ll tell theo you were so tired you fell asleep, if you want.” pulling an extra blanket out of the closet for him, she fell back onto the bed with a playful smirk.

“since you’ll be staying anyway, i’ll teach you how to kiss him, sooyeon-style.” propping herself up on an elbow, she gently tilted sebastian’s chin up toward hers. “you stare at him for exactly 6 seconds. not longer, not shorter.” if she had been a more artistically-inclined person, sooyeon would’ve immortalised his beauty in a drawing. sooyeon was woman enough to appreciate beauty when she saw it, platonic or not. eyes roaming the planes of his face that’d been carved to perfection by the gods above, she drew her face closer to his. 

“and you say… “hey, wooseung. you’re cute. let’s make out.” frais?” moving her head to the left, she ghosted a kiss over the corner of his mouth. if i kissed you, would you reject me? fully aware she didn’t help his dilemma one bit, she laid back down, a playful grin gracing her visage. “seriously, though. if he rejects you, that sucks, but you’ll still have me. you’ll always have me, no matter what.”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

tonight was late spring transitioning into young summer. all heat and humidity and runaway thoughts sebastian couldn’t lasso. no, tonight was any night with sooyeon. a collection of messy one-shot ideas with vague endings and sporadic sequels. it was honesty to a fault, heart-to-hearts with too much heart and very little mind. he was all sebastian, the bad and the ugly, and sooyeon treated him as if there was good sandwiched in crevices — accepted him all the same.

(finally.)

sprawled on her bed like it was his, sebastian propped himself on an elbow and sharply turned his head away from the flitting trajection of the flying kiss. profile nearly immaculate, he smirked. “maybe you want to kiss me, love.” cracking jokes, lighthearted teasing came natural to him when she was the recipient. their conversation had an easy way of ebbing to jovial waves, foam covered in colourful sprinkles lining the shore.

sooyeon was a day at the beach. sunny, sticky ice cream melting on hands. sometimes, the horizon was grey and windy but the view with bare feet buried in golden, sandy banks was always magnificent. then night crested, the water less volatile; this was her now — them now. tranquil, drifting ashore on lofty conversations.

“yeah, you’ll probably have to back me up. theo surely won’t believe me and think i’ve robbed a 7/11 or something.” he reached for the blanket but froze when sooyeon’s fingertips settled below his chin, angling his head and... his eyes bulged too fast, too humiliating. when did she get so close? his throat dried.

(maybe sometimes sooyeon was a desert, too.) hot, torturing then an oasis in the midst if desperation.

he spoke with lips too tight and a voice too hoarse. “if i kiss wooseung, you and i will have an indirect kiss. aha! i knew it! you do want to kiss me.” but all excitement or the faux custom of it fizzled away into the obsidian sky. (perhaps created a new star.) and sebastian held his breath, counting the seconds as distance practically ceased to exist.

the prospect of kissing sooyeon didn’t disarmed him, left him defenseless but the promixity. the coral shades on her lips that matched her cheeks, where they were more rose dusted over a glowing complexion high on her cheeks; it was the bursts of amber in her eyes, mischief and lark and a swirl of autumn browns in orbs so glassy, sebastian could almost see her soul.

“i...” he licked the corner of his mouth, almost tasting her chapstick then snorted at the satire, the irony, the metaphors. sooyeon was the beach, frothy waves waning. and the desert, an oasis (but a mirage of it).

sebastian shook his head, humour tangible — so corporeal, he detected a double-meaning where there shouldn’t be one. “are you saying if i use that line on you, you’ll say yes?” an eyebrow arched, visible with his fringe parted and swept aside. all reactions on his façade were discernible; he looked down, gaze flickering from sooyeon’s eyes to her lips, then a simper manipulated his own. “knew it all along. you do want to kiss me.” how many times would he repeat that, as if he was preparing himself for the truth, and he poked sooyeon’s nose to mask the unbalance.

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmdwooseung! }

[ ✉️ ⇒ seb ] oh right, u chug maple syrup [ ✉️ ⇒ seb ] yAY TACOS [ ✉️ ⇒ seb ] tacos al pastor all the way tbh

( ——— 📩 to mad max ) aND I RODE A POLAR BEAR TO SCHOOL >.> ( ——— 📩 to mad max ) i got bad news i blew all my allowance on games ( ——— 📩 to mad max ) u got money from yor comeback yet???

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmdxkyunghee! }

( ✉️ ⇒ sebastian )  oh my god, that’s so sweet of you to say!  ( ✉️ ⇒ sebastian ) well, if you say so!  ( ✉️ ⇒ sebastian ) ahaha, well i’m trying my best! it’s hard to keep up. people these days constantly want more comebacks. but it takes time.  ( ✉️ ⇒ sebastian ) what did i do, angel? 

( ——— 📩 to ivy ) u should rest and not give into demands ( ——— 📩 to ivy ) that’s the first time anyone has called me angel 😲😲😲 ( ——— 📩 to ivy ) but if we’re talking about celestial beings u fit the bill!

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmddohee! }

( ✉️ ⇒ ciel (charm) ) lizzie mcguire? ( ✉️ ⇒ ciel (charm) ) i’ve never heard of it, but it may have been popular here. apparently it’s a television show and i didn’t watch much television when i was younger, honestly. ( ✉️ ⇒ ciel (charm) ) i don’t think so. ( ✉️ ⇒ ciel (charm) ) i searched smash mouth and they don’t look familiar, but i’m sure they’re very talented. ( ✉️ ⇒ ciel (charm) ) oh… so this “all star” song is what you were referring to?

( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) what did u then when u were younger if u don’t mind me asking??? ( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) totally not doing an expose or anything 😅 ( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) i’ll be honest w u sunbae i have no idea who they r ( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) but some fan wrote “hey now” on a sticky note during a fansign and i had to choose from “this is what dreams are made of” and “you’re a rockstar” ( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) but i ended up choosing lizzie mcquire over the all star song yes!!! and curiosity got the best of me ( ——— 📩 to lee dohee | gal.actic ) i wanted to see what idols from different generations and backgrounds would choose

[taebb-deactivated20201016]

♡

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ durifmd! }

( ✉️ ⇒ under the seabastian 🐠 ) you’re technically an adult in canada, right? i think you’ll be able to do something about it because of age… but i don’t know for sure! ( ✉️ ⇒ under the seabastian 🐠 ) star loves you!! ( ✉️ ⇒ under the seabastian 🐠 ) you’ve always deserved free food 😁

( ——— 📩 to dadri ) can u belieb i thought i was still underage all along??? :O ( ——— 📩 to dadri ) i can only rely on stat for the unconditional love ; ; we do not deserve dogs! ( ——— 📩 to dadri ) and i do not deserve u mt dad :’)

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmdlyra! }

( ... )

A grin lights up her face as she welcomes the plushie into her open arms. “Don’t mind if I do. I’m moving on. Shooting games are calling for me.”

“guns. how primitive.” teasing someone he got along with versus someone he didn’t bore a stark difference. one was undoubtedly more joyous, more fun around the edges. laughter tended to be raw, full-bodied and sincere. in a world where faking it was everything, sebastian appreciated the rarity of genuine company.

and he always learned a thing or two from jihyun. not necessarily was he exploiting her talents, her fame, but using her knowledge. she has been lyra longer than he was ciel, and his mask was already cracking. fault-lines littered the veneer with every faux smile.

“after you savage some innocent piece of paper or tin cans, let’s play some air hockey!” there was clear pep in sebastian’s step when he followed suit. in comparison, he was a child in every definition of the word. “i’m canadian, so you know hockey is totally my thing!” a little arrogance to compensate for his less spectacular time on the claw machine. (damn you, molang.)

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmdchangki! }

( ... )

changki extends the hand offering the earbuds, “how do you know if we don’t share the same taste? have you peeked at my music library?” changki teases lightly. “you don’t have to listen to my music, you could play your music. i’m interested in your music tastes, sebastian.” changki explains. it’s a simple offer on changki’s end to get the other boy to open up to him. “or you can use them for yourself, whatever you want.”

“i have a sixth sense about these things, changki.” hyung almost slipped, almost spilled into the compart a vehicle with a ceiling too low and windows too tinted. the space felt tiny, shrinking even. sebastian stretched lanky limbs too long (but he wasn’t impressively tall) and eyed the declaration of truce: a single earbud dangling from changki’s grip. he could almost hear the white noise muffled bass of soundcloud artists — of artists he had never heard before and carried no interest in.

“is it sanitary to share?” he quipped for no reason but to be difficult. sebastian liked this, found mirth in acting like an ass — being an ass because it wasn’t a masquerade he threw on for the heck of it. “no thanks.” leaning his head back, he stared lifelessly at the road their manager was driving down, charcoal streets illuminated by white headlights.

the silence was a bigger tick, gnawing at the tips of his ears until they were red. “do you like screamo? i’m a big fan of sleeping with sirens. do you know them or are you only into the unknown artists because it’s cool to be different.” intentional mockery twisted sebastian’s lips into a smirk. maybe changki would give up, call it quits because everyone did when they got too close to the dark.

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ sooahfmd! }

( ... )

a small knock against the door startles her from the blurred haze she had worked herself into, staring blankly into the screen while her mouth moved in practiced munches. “ciel… ah ! yes, please come in !” g e n t l e utterance of his name, quietly to herself as she tries to put a face to that name. ( one of the vocal team members, she thinks, but not the french one ─ that was sangmin and she knew his voice relatively well. ) “i wasn’t expecting a n y o n e at this hour, i’m sorry for the mess.” scatterings of half-written lyrics tossed about the floor, ink from the pen staining her fingertips. “what can i help you with ?”

the door came ajar a crack, and sebastian exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. asking favours distressed him. perhaps it was his upbringing that berated asking for aid that had sebastian unusually nervous. a step forward, the floorboards creaked under his weight. the smallest details amplified, and he couldn’t control his sights from wandering. dark, shaky pupils went from everywhere to nowhere at all. yet he couldn’t bear to look sooah in the eyes.

he didn’t know much about her but the image she wore like a second skin. (maybe she was always sweet and docile, the time spring faded into summery. peachy, soft.) “i’m sorry for the bother,” he started, thinking it was necessary. (it was.) voice uncharacteristically muted, he palmed at his nape, an antsy habit or twitch.

would he melt if he locked gazes, sebastian debated, so he continued flitting his eyes to her aforementioned sheets of thoughts and dreams and heartspeak. “i was wondering if you can help me with something. my...” trailing off, he gulped. “image could use some work, i suppose. i mean, the managers are pretty strict on us, and i just want to know how i should behave to gain their trust... ah, i don’t know hot to phrase this correctly. but how do you do it? how do you not get into any trouble?” desperation had impeccable timing.

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ durifmd! }

( ... )

he’s nodding, before he’s moving towards the fridge. “do i need to shop and bring food to the charm dorms?” he questions, a soft chuckle moving pass lips. “hm…” he stated, a she looked through his things. “would you like some tofu with eggs, bread, and a side of fresh fruit?” he questions. “they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”

there was something pleasing in finding a home in somebody. wherever they were, there was comfort and solace. a place he belonged in regardless of setting, of longitude and latitude. wherever duri was, sebastian felt an odd sense of home sweet home. he was better acclimated in duri’s apartment than CHARM’s. far too many humans and far less dogs.

he laid on the floor, elbow propped and cheek in hand as he scratched star’s belly once she sprawled out next to him. this was normalcy, a lifestyle sebastian always dreamt of but never got. back home — not home, back at his parents’ — not his parents... back at the st. germain’s, he was metaphorically imprisoned. no leaving the room until homework was complete, bedtime by nine unless homework wasn’t complete, dinner at seven. all cold routine and no love.

“you’re very likeable, hyung. i can understand why star always wants to be around you.” it was easier to murmur compliments with his back turned. sebastian was never impartial to facing reality. “and you raised her well. the most intelligent puppy i’ve ever laid eyes on. i’m glad to know her.” a boop on her wet nose, and sebastian pushed himself back onto his bottom, legs crossed. “don’t even bother trying to restock CHARM’s place. we run out of food within the day. there’s too many of us.” his nose crinkled, distaste a bitter flavour. “but yes to feeding me the most important meal of the day! eggs, tofu, fruits all sounds very good to me!”

[fmdsebastian-blog]

{ fmdjace! }

( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: baguette no. 2 ) of course. the only thing that gets me out of hellhole rehearsals is being in the bathroom for extended periods of time ( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: baguette no. 2 ) you were out frollicking in marijuana farm or something not my fault ( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: baguette no. 2 ) pizza

( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: jake ) if u look carefully maybe u can spot some spoiled milk in the fridge ( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: jake ) lawbreaking is behind me i prefer nicotine ( 💌 TEXT SENT TO: jake ) u r so descriptive i’m inspired

[fmdxtommy-blog]

Tommy had spent a few hours in the practice room, dancing to various songs. Peaches was in a little cage as he came to show one of the backup dancers his pet. After taking a drink of water, he crouched down and opened the cage, holding the little bundle of soft spikes in his giant hands. 

“Peaches, you want some strawberries?” He cooed quietly, not noticing the other person entering the room as he grabbed a zip-locked bag filled with fruit.

[fmdsebastian-blog]

“you know who wants strawberries?” lain on his side, chin in hand and one arm outstretched yet finger pointed to himself, boredom steamed from sebastian’s rather flat, unenthusiastic mien. “i do! i’ve been watching you dance the same thing the whole day now. i think i deserve a reward. i’m exhausted.” sarcastic? no. but dramatic? maybe.