Liquid Courage | ljs & khs
It hurt every time he recalled how Hansol spoke his name so softly, or pressed against him as he hugged him. It was like someone was constantly sticking pins into his heart, trying to puncture as many holes as possible until the light escaped and he was once again left with the emptiness in his chest he’d been so familiar with for years, but now terrified him - he’d always been scared of being alone, it was the same with his heart. Emptiness terrified him.
“I just..want to talk. About what happened…I need to explain.”
Hansols eyes are far braver than he had expected, they never left the body that seemed to shift his weight on his feet within his apartment. Though his heart is cowardly and hammering beneath his ribs, fueled by a fear so raw that it makes his palms shake.
But he finds a small pocket of strength and curls his fingers tightly into a fist, half crescents pressed against the heel of his palms and his knuckles slowly turning white. It was so quiet, for beyond too long and he was left with his thoughts as to why Lee Jongsuk was there without a word; much less a phone call. Then again, Hansol wouldn’t dare willingly speak to this man.
With every palpitation his chest aches more, and the silence is almost deafening.
Left to ponder on the thought of as to why. Of all the people, of all the times, and of all places. The room was so quiet he could hear the slow pacing of the other male, and the strain within every breath. ( or was that his own? ) Sometimes quiet was violent.
There was a storm brewing in his heart and a war waging hellfire in his mind and neither were going to calm at any moment. A fury of emotions coming out in full force but his face never dared to contort, no.
Jongsuk didn’t deserve that from him anymore.
Hansol was a fool, a fool who loved too severely. The young child so eager to swim with his friends he dives in head first without even knowing how to stay afloat. But there are some people in this world he would happily drown for, the safety of knowing a hand would be offered.
But Jongsuk was like a cement block tied to his ankles and leaving him for dead.
“Do we really?”
He his laugh is bitter and leaves a harsh taste on his tongue, clicking it against his teeth as a strained smile rests along the natural curl of his lips. His voice is laden with anger and undertones of trepidation; and his brave gaze has become cowardly and fallen to the ground.
Hansol was very certain he knew the explanation; He was a toy to be played with, shiny and new and Jongsuks absolute favorite. But toys get old and he was tossed aside when another was neatly placed into the delicate palms of the other man and Hansol was left to collect dust; aching and riddled with regret in his heart.
“Are you here to simply remind me of how I was tossed aside? Explain what exactly, Jongsuk? That your promises were hollow and so easily tossed around? “
Anxiety causes his palms to shake and beads of sweat to form at his hair line, Hansol was never harsh and even the truth filling the air made him cringe because it seemed too mean. Putting himself on the back burner had always come as normal for him, and he turns his gaze to look elsewhere. His lips pursed tightly and brows knit.
There’s an immediate regret and a screaming in the back of his mind that lectured for him to vow silence. Benefit of the doubt, it was the definition of Kim Hansol. To open himself up and take any abuse that may come his way with a smile and a simple I forgive you. But the laceration that was left on his already marred hard was a deep slice that still stung from time to time.
Hansol doesn’t like to think of their past, he had buried it six feet under with the heartache (but now both had resurfaced and he can’t breathe.) but he mumbles sorry under his breath but his voice ( like most things ) betray him and it’s not as loud as he would have liked it to be.
(Not that Hansol should ever give Jongsuk an apology.)
It was too quiet, but his pride wouldn’t allow his voice to raise another octave.
Jongsuks mind wasn’t in the right place, liquid courage filled his veins and within that only the truth could come out.
Right?
Tortured with the push and pull of wanting to hear a better explanation, and subjecting himself to the familiar sting to his chest. He takes a breath and fills his lungs, raising his cowardly eyes to take a hold of Jongsuks; Something he hasn’t done in ages.
But it hurts all the same.
Those eyes that use to be so familiar had now seemed foreign and empty. Offering a warm smile, he’d blame the alcohol. With that, he falls back into old habits, and offers out that second chance like second nature. Tilting his head to the side and trying to come off as sincere as possible, but the smile weighs on his face none the less.
