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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor Frankl

In other words, therapy is about understanding the self that you are. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself - to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.

-Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb

Day 11 Check-In

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Today had an early start making a fake tortilla espanola. It was something fun to do. The vinaigrette was probably the best part!

We watched Avengers: Endgame because Lauren had mentioned wanting to watch it. After that, she went to her room, and I waited a bit before going to see if she wanted to go for a walk. I ended up not asking her because she looked busy, but then she asked me, so we went for a walk. I was going to just go on the same path that I took through Sunwest, but she suggested going to Grandma and Grandpa’s old house.

We took off, and it was a nice walk. Grandma used to make us recite the names of each street as we drove past, but we didn’t remember that many. I got two street, and Lauren got one, but we missed about three others. It was fun to look at the different houses. Sadly, the people who own grandma and grandpa’s house took out the cherry blossom trees in front of the house, and they may have also changed the paint, but it was nice to walk by.

I didn’t check the steps during our walk, so I was surprised when we logged 5,859 steps - the first day over 5,000! That’s certainly something to celebrate.

The other missions got an even later start today, like after 11:30 pm. While I watched Ant-Man with mom and dad, I started looking at the Danyele Wilson HIIT Body Challenge Volume 3 that I purchased back in June, and I felt kind of motivated to get back into workouts. Those workouts wrecked me (oh hey, I have done a workout before November in 2020!) because I was so out of shape but threw myself into it. But I used to do Fit Body Bootcamp, which are 30 minute HIIT workouts, and I loved it for so long. I miss feeling accomplished by pushing myself more and getting stronger, and I haven’t felt that nostalgic feeling in a while. I’d call that incremental progress!

While Ant-Man was playing, I also looked up an old Blogilates playlist where I saw a Weightless Arm Workout. Lately, I’ve wanted to workout my arms, so it was nice to find something that would work that! After that, I did the Calm Body Evening Stretch before wrapping up with the Evening Wind Down (19 minutes total). I’m proud of getting back on the train even through it’s much further into the week. Time to recap my progress for each mission.

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 1x done (33% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 2x done (100% done!!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Now to finish out the week STRONG!

Day 10 Check-In

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Today was the ultimate lazy day. No progress was made towards any of the goals. I could have walked to the grocery store to get bread for Lauren, but I waited too long and she drove since she didn’t have clothes for colder weather. I could have gone walking by myself after it was dark, but I just didn’t. This feels quite different from last week, and I’ll really need to focus on the goals during the remainder of the week.

Week 2 Recap

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

Day 9 Check-In

Friday, November 27, 2020

Today was the day that we placed Jichan’s urn at East Lawn. Lauren and I had talked about going early, but I couldn’t go to sleep until after 5 am, so we couldn’t leave early enough. There could only be two people at a time due to COVID restrictions, so when Aunt Joyce and Uncle Tim went in, I went on a walk around the cemetery after I saw mom go walking. I only got 1,296 steps in because there was drama regarding FaceTime or video, but that’s more than I would have done by just standing there. By the end of the day, I had 2,374 steps, but I’m not counting it as 2,000 since I’ve been using an intentional walk as the method of counting. Perhaps something to think about as time goes on.

After we got from Sacramento, I did not workout or stretch. Week 2 is not as strong as Week 1, but I’m still glad I took a lap while I waited.

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

Progress was still made just by moving and taking a lap.

Day 8 Check-In

Thursday, November 26, 2020

I’m behind in writing these, but here it goes!

Week 2 got off to a start with a morning walk with Lauren. We wanted to go before our Thanksgiving Zoom call at 2 pm. Our path was around the neighborhood, and we walked by Karen’s house, but we also walked by Kasey’s house (kind of) and Twin Arbors and then went down Mills. We took Mills back because I didn’t believe where Twin Arbors used to be according to Lauren, but she was right. In the end, I think we got 4,062 steps! Woohoo!

I do not think I did a two-minute workout or stretching, so here’s how Week 2 is going:

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 0x done (0% towards the goal!)

I’m still proud of us for going on a walk, especially when it would be easy to hang around and do nothing all day.

30 for 30

Over the past couple of years, this idea of doing x things in x year, such as 18 in 2018 or 19 in 2019, have been more popular in the media I’ve consumed. I believe I first heard of the idea from the Happier with Gretchen Rubin (see Episode 149), and it turns out she got it from a listener who created a happiness project by doing 35 things she wanted to do in her 35th year.

I forgot that it was set up as 35 things she wanted to do in her 35th year, but I’ve been thinking I want to do a 30 for 30, 30 things I want to do before I’m 30. It seems like I should listen to Episode 149 again, and maybe the other episodes themed around 18 for 2018, 19 for 2019, and 20 for 2020, but I’m glad I’m putting it out there for some accountability. December 3rd will be 16 months before my 30th birthday, so perhaps that’s a great time to get started.

Day 7 Check-In

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Today I didn’t have work so I could do things whenever! I was exhausted so I slept in until 11 am. Then I was trying to convince myself to go early so I could take a shower and do something with the day. I couldn’t get myself to do it, so now it’s 3 pm, and I’m finally getting the motivation to move.

Scratch that, it wasn’t until 5:30 pm when I heard Lauren was joining for dinner that I finally moved my butt to go for a walk. It probably also helped that it was the second time that mom asked today if I was going to shower. Good thing since I had only 85 steps logged for the day (although I left my phone charging most of the time I would have been walking around. Honestly though, it wouldn’t have been very many more).

No warm up was done, but I did jump around and walk in place for maybe 5-10 seconds. Then I was off! I had a route around Sunwest that didn’t require crossing major streets, and I got tired halfway through. My calves were feeling a little fatigued on the sides. I powered through (what else was I going to do), and then because I wanted to finish the episode of The Daily, I kept walking around the court for a bit. My total steps for the walk were 4,619, which has been my longest walk yet!

After I walked in, I kind of wanted to sit around and do nothing, but then I felt like I wanted to get the rest (2-minute workout and stretching) done. So here are my reps for the 2-minute workout:

2-minute HIIT workout (Day 5)

Jumping jacks - 26

Jump squats - 11

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 8 total

Squats - 8

Climbers - 30 total

After that, I did the Calm Body Mindful Cool Down. While I didn’t want to do it, I’m glad I did. From the bedroom area, I could hear mom and dad saying Lauren would probably be home around 7:30 pm, so I still had time to shower. It all works out, I suppose :) in the end, my shower ended a little after Lauren came home, but they waited for me for dinner.

Here’s the final recap for each of the three missions for Week 1 (November 19-November 25):

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 5x done (167% done!!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 5x done (250% done!!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 5x done (250% done!!)

I’m proud of my efforts during Week 1. I was more consistent about that than I have been an over a year, and I think I mentally felt better as well. TBD on what Week 2 looks like in Rally (do they increase the number of times per week), but I’ll share on Thanksgiving!

Day 6 Check-In

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Today was another day when I didn’t get moving. I didn’t plan out my day well, and I kind of made excuses. I didn’t want to warm up.

Regardless of how today went, I have still moved more in the week or so than I have in over a year. I still have to recognize what I’m doing well.

Until tomorrow!

flowerais-deactivated20211031

You’re healing every time you

get out of bed because there’s something you’re excited about.

don’t think about people who left.

clean the clutter in the room and dishes in your sink.

smile at yourself and random people.

do something kind and out of the blue to make someone happy.

work out or meet with friends even though you have no energy to.

calm yourself down when your thoughts race.

remember to drink water.

don’t dwell on things you can’t control.

do things good for yourself, even though you have no motivation.

tell yourself that you’re growing from this, and you won’t feel like this forever.

#damn

Day 5 Check-In

Monday, November 23, 2020

Today had a slow start to the three goals. A little after 5 pm, I asked my mom if she wanted to go on a walk with me. To my surprise, she said yes. We were going to go on this random path that I had mapped out in Google Maps, but instead we decided to walk to my dad’s office. We joked that we’d have to talk back from the office to hit the 2,000 steps.

I’m not really sure what we talked about the entire time, but we filled it somehow. My dad was wrapping up at his office, but I decided to walk back since I had just hit 2,000 steps. I listened to part of today’s episode of The Daily during my walk. By the end of it, I walked 4,157 steps. Hooray! My most steps yet!

After I arrived at home, I didn’t really know if I should stretch using the warm up or cool down in Calm so I did 10 minutes of the warm up. Then I did the same 2-minute HIIT workout. It was tough because there wasn’t a good clear path, and I didn’t want to hassle with the clearing the floor. Honestly, it’s a little overwhelming in it’s own way. Anyway, you can see the numbers below:

2-minute HIIT workout (Day 4)

Jumping jacks - 27

Jump squats - 10?

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 8 total

Squats - 9

Climbers - 40 total

Okay, here’s the recap for each of the three missions for Week 1 (November 19-November 25):

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 4x done (133% done!!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 4x done (200% done!!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 4x done (200% done!!)

I’m proud of myself for getting back at it today after a day off. Taking time off doesn’t need to mean that I’ve lost all progress. It just means you have to accept that you didn’t do it and start again the next day. Sure, it’s disappointing to break a streak, especially if it’s a long one, but it’s not as disappointing as never going back.

Day 4 Check-In

Sunday, November 22, 2020

Today was a day where I did nothing for each action, but that’s okay. The important thing is to take the time to rest (and drive 5+ hours) and then I just need to pick it back up tomorrow.

I have been tracking the steps that I’ve taken during my designated walk, but for what it’s worth, I did walk 1,746 steps throughout the entire day. My competing concerns for moving and cleaning were conflicting before I drove up north, and cleaning won out. Getting all of the dishes done and packing were bigger priorities to ensure I could do some laundry up north and I could home to a clean kitchen. Both laundry and a clean kitchen seem to be consistent obstacles for me, so I’m glad I tried to set myself up for success upon my return.

In terms of teeth, I feel asleep on the couch (surprise, surprise), so I only brushed my teeth once.

Once again, now it’s time to do better tomorrow.

Day 3 Check-In

Saturday, November 21, 2020

I started off the morning with the Calm Body Morning Wake Up, which was 8.5 minutes of stretching.

I thought I should try to do the workout and walking in the morning, but it didn’t end up happening. To complete my 10 minutes of stretching, I also did the Calm Body Morning Stretch (in the afternoon) for another 5 minutes of stretching.

After writing my Day 2 Check-In, I decided to do the Mindful Warm Up again before doing the 2-minute workout and then going for a walk.

2-minute HIIT workout (Day 3)

Jumping jacks - 25

Jump squats - 12

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 8 total

Squats - 9

Climbers - 25 total

Climbers did not feel great today. My wrists seemed tired or I was hyper-obsessing over my form. It felt like my hands were probably in front of my shoulders, and I felt like I couldn’t get them directly over them. So I tried going to my knees, but immediately remembered why I hate doing climbers from my knees. So then I half-assed it from my probably improper form. Perhaps I should do this while looking at my reflection in the mirror from the side in order to see if I really can improve my form.

2,000 Steps

I only had 671 steps before I went on the walk, but this time, I did have a mini path set out for me. I decided to walk up to the residential area above my complex and then come down and walk by the same dental lab/hair place that I did on yesterday’s walk.

Around the first major turn once I was in the residential area, I saw a man on the other side of the street who was standing outside a house and looking at it. I decided to ignore him, but as I was walking, I thought I could hear footsteps behind me. Now, in the end, he never got close and never said anything, but I think it put me on edge and I walked a little faster than normal. There was also a couple in front of me, so I tried taking a longer route and also trying to walk slower (but also faster because of the man lol).

As I walked by the Japanese place near my apartment, there was a guy who was sitting on a bench. I felt like I had to smile (through my mask) and acknowledge him, especially once he said hi. It felt like a creepy hi though, and I became paranoid so I took an extra lap around the apartment complex and I checked my mail. In the end, I had 3,850 steps, which was more than I had intended! I guess it goes to show how just getting started is the main obstacle when it comes to moving. Here’s what I’ve tracked in Rally for walking:

After that, I did the Mindful Cool Down again but got distracted when I tried to connect to the Improv marathon that Helene is a part of. Update: Helene wasn’t on with the team tonight :(

Okay, here’s the recap for each of the three missions for Week 1 (November 19-November 25):

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 3x done (Goal completed!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 3x done (150% done!!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 3x done (150% done!!)

BIG WIN - I SUCCESSFULLY MET WEEK 1 CHALLENGES! This is HUGE as I haven’t done any of those three things all of 2020, some of them not even for a calendar year or even maybe 1.5 years. But considering I was in my deepest depression ever for the past month, I’m really proud that I stuck to these missions for the past three days :D

I’d still like to try to do these while I’m up in Lodi. To set myself up for success, I think I need to take my yoga mat and workout clothes and shoes with me. Before I even started this week, I had asked Lauren if we could walk while she was in town. Maybe I’ll see if she wants to do the 2-minute workouts with me :)

I also added another mission of brushing my teeth twice a day, every day of the week. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t going to hit it on November 19 when I started the other challenges, so I started it yesterday. Gotta set yourself up for success, right? :P

Day 2 Check-In

Friday, November 20, 2020

On the second day after starting the missions, I still hadn’t walked or done the 2-minute workout after the mini Friendsgiving backyard gathering with Jessica, Beth, and Mary. While I wasn’t jazzed about doing the two things, I felt like I had to.

Since it was so cold outside after 7:30 pm, I thought it would be really important to warm-up. I did the Mindful Warmup in Calm Body, which was 15 minutes long. Funny how I was doing such a long warmup for a 2-minute workout. I also wanted track how many reps I could do for the same 2-minute HIIT workout, so you can see the numbers below:

2-minute HIIT workout (Day 2)

Jumping jacks - 25

Jump squats - 13

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 8 total

Squats - 8

Climbers - 50 total

Steps:

I only had 550 steps before I went on the walk, but I set off and wasn’t sure where I would go. To mix things up, I thought I’d go around the perimeter and somehow I ended up walking by the dental lab by HMC.

I checked when I had around 1,900 steps on my walk, and I noticed that I was more out of breath and/or tired. I’m not sure if it was because I hadn’t eaten sufficiently during the day or because I had alcohol or because I was on day two of moving after a year+ of being sedentary, but I thought I should note it. By the end of my walk, I had done 3,386 steps, which was definitely more than my first day. Hooray!

After my walk, I thought I should cool down since it was cold outside. I kind of half-assed the Calm Body Mindful Cool Down because I was trying to time an order from Chipotle because I was too lazy to cook.

Okay, here’s the recap for each of the three missions for Week 1 (November 19-November 25) of the three missions, I’ll put them down below:

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 2x done (66.6% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 2x done (Goal completed!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 2x done (Goal completed!)

I’m still going to try to keep up with stretches and walks, but it’s nice to know that I hit Rally’s goal for me.

focusingontheself

New goals and accountability

I signed up for this thing that was free with my insurance, and assigns missions based on what you’re most interested in. At this point, I forgot what I said I wanted to focus on, but I have three missions that I’m working on (I did get to pick out of 12 options). I’ve been completely sedentary this year, so I’m starting small.

Here are my three missions:

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week)

I use Calm (also got a free year of premium through my insurance), and the desktop version has Calm Body. To hit my mission of stretching for 10 minutes today, I did Calm Body’s Back Care session, which came out to approximately 11 minutes.

I used to love HIIT workouts through Fit Body Bootcamp, but I got in a rut where I wasn’t going and my membership lapsed. So, for my two-minute workout, I figured I could find a short workout on Google, and a HIIT workout came up on Darebee. Clueless as to whether it’s a good site, but I went for it. Here’s the link.

It doesn’t say you should track your numbers, but during the second activity, I figured I might as well if I could. You are supposed to do each exercise for 20 seconds without a break, but since I’m just getting back into it, I went for a 10-second break between each exercise to get set up and mentally prepared for the next activity.

Jumping jacks - this is where I thought I should start tracking

Jump squats - 8?

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 7 total

Squats - 8

Climbers - 50 total

If I do this workout again, I’m interested to see how many more reps I can do.

As for the walk 2,000 steps goal, I haven’t done it yet, but I will after dinner.

Even before I signed up today, I had asked my sister earlier this week if we could go on walks when I’m with her over the next couple of weeks.

I’m excited to see how these missions go and how I progress. There are many other missions to look into, but I like how they limit you to three initially, probably to reduce overwhelm and to focus on building the habits.

focusingontheself

It seems super obvious when I look at the missions, but the goal I picked was Move More. Right, I was going to write something super sarcastic that totally put myself done for not realizing the goal was moving more, but that’s not very kind to myself. Outside of that platform, I want to work on less negative self-talk.

Since I haven’t posted this yet, I might as well give my update about the walk 2,000 steps mission. I needed to move my car, and I wanted to remind myself that I don’t need to spend money on fast food when I have food in my apartment, so I figured I’d move my car before dinner and then go walking.

But then I made an even better call and put mom’s frozen corney chili beans into the oven and started some rice so it would heat up while I was walking. GENIUS if I don’t say so myself. Avoid spending money on takeout, parking my car in its garage, and walking 2,000 steps? Some of my best work this week.

I was going to listen to today’s episode of The Daily since I thought walking 2,000 steps would take about 20 minutes and the podcast was 25 minutes but I figured I could start it when I moved my car. All of this to say, I put on a different podcast (Life Kit: How To Make Better (And Prettier) Pies) while I got dinner set up, and then I ended up finishing that episode instead.

For my next episode, I pondered should I start The Daily, even if I didn’t walk for the entire time or should I pick a shorter episode? In the end, I just listened to the next Life Kit episode (Recreating A Family Recipe). The timing worked out pretty well for my walk.

During my walk around the complex, I realized I’ve never really walked around it that much? I felt like I take it for granted when I don’t need to? I tried to zip zag so I wouldn’t just be walking around the perimeter for the entire time, and I even did some of the area that’s actually on Claremont Boulevard. For the first time ever in 6+ years, I walked by the more house-like rentals and saw there was a little court behind the weird inlet area there John would park his car (like a million years ago). I enjoyed the walk and ended up doing 2,736 steps during my intentional walk :)

Because I thought I should take care of my body (and hopefully reduce any stiffness tomorrow), I also did the Calm Body Mindful Cool Down, which was 14 minutes. I didn’t add it to my stretching total, but I thought I’d note it here. It was probably a good call. Then dinner was ready (once I finally decided to eat).

It started getting sweaty under my mask, so I washed my face immediately after I came inside. I think my breath changed while I was walking and even stretching, perhaps breathing more heavily. Starting with these small, attainable missions seems helpful for making me feel like I accomplished something, which I honestly have. Those 2,736 steps today were more steps than I’ve intentionally walked in a long time, and I’m proud of myself for taking them.

In hindsight, I think I’ve been in a deep depression for at least the past 3 weeks. Deeper than I’ve ever been before, but I think moving today has made me feel better. Must be those endorphins people always talk about :)

To recap progress on the Week 1 (November 19-November 25) of the three missions, I’ll put them down below:

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week) - 1x done (33.3% towards the goal!)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week) - 1x done (50% towards the goal!)

Having it start with 2x or 3x per week makes it feel manageable. If I do more, that’s great. If I do exactly 2x or 3x, that’s’ awesome too. I’m not sure if it will start to increase the frequency as I progress in the weeks (4 weeks total), but I’ll be sure to report here.

New goals and accountability

Here are my three missions:

Do a 2-minute workout (3x per week)

Walk 2,000 steps a day (2x per week)

Stretch every day (10 minutes per day/2x per week)

Jumping jacks - this is where I thought I should start tracking

Jump squats - 8?

High knees - I didn’t count

Side-to-side lunges - 7 total

Squats - 8

Climbers - 50 total

If I do this workout again, I’m interested to see how many more reps I can do.

As for the walk 2,000 steps goal, I haven’t done it yet, but I will after dinner.

Even before I signed up today, I had asked my sister earlier this week if we could go on walks when I’m with her over the next couple of weeks.

focusingontheself

Late-night thoughts that I need to flesh out

Today I was listening to a podcast that discussed goal-setting, and it got me thinking about the next six months to a year. Since today is November 1, six months from now will be May 1, which is the last month of the fiscal year that I’d like to work at my current job. So I put the goal that in six months, I will be submitting my two-weeks notice. Here are some other ones:

In six months, I will…

Be moving to NorCal

Be moving my body daily

Know how to manage my depression

Like, damn. I knew that I didn’t want to do another June, but I also didn’t realize that May is only six months away.

Okay, but all of these thoughts about goals, etc. got me thinking - have I been too afraid to leave my job because I think that I can never do better than my alma mater and have I secretly (not so secretly) been gaslit into thinking I can’t do better and that I peaked when I was 18?! For real, it’s kind of blowing my mind.

Other thoughts I’ve had but not tonight have been have I secretly been suffering from imposter syndrome for another 10 years? Like I realized I wasn’t as smart as a lot of people at my college, but I never really thought of my feelings as imposter syndrome.

Another idea that’s been rolling around because of therapy - I’m kind of a perfectionist? Okay, so obviously not a perfectionist in the ways that it usually manifests itself, but I want to be a perfectionist but then that’s what causes me to freeze and procrastinate like no other and royally fuck myself?

Other thoughts related to Lauren coming to help me clean - am I a low-key/high-key hoarder?

Like I said, I can’t flesh out these ideas right now, but I had to put these thoughts into writing.

I’ve also noticed that I am not speaking kindly to myself and I will work on that.

focusingontheself

Other thought because of a Life Kit podcast episode - am I a people pleaser?

#haaaaaaaaaalp #i can't turn off my brain

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