no one talks about the middle ground in recovery. everyone talks about the really really good days where all the feelings are allowed to grow and expand in order to pass through, food is digested, and buildings could be built in honor of the successes. or, we talk about the really really bad days, where tears drip like faucets we don’t have the energy to fix, progress is flushed down the pipes, and the sorrow sends shards of glass from between the windowpanes. the best and the worst of days are all we can bring ourselves to mention. and why would we want to talk about those other days? a sort of ‘no man’s land’, as it were. it’s those days when you are stuck in mud up to your knees and you don’t feel sick but you don’t feel well. when you’ve run out of new people to tell. no one feels sorry as you cry over a bowl of ice cream - again - no one has the time unless you are turning death’s doorknob. no one talks about being in the trenches of recovery. digging for months on end, whistling the same tune for weeks and weeks. no one likes a scratched record, but a broken record gets worried glances and hospital threats. and sometimes, in no man’s land, a threat sounds like it would be better than this fucking silence. no one talks about inching through recovery one bite, one meal, one moment at a time. and this is a problem. because we don’t talk about it, we don’t realize everything we are accomplishing as we pass through this desert. the constant attention and concern is gone and the formal celebration is not yet upon us. in between those times, think about all we are doing. who is with you? you. you’re learning to be there for yourself, to befriend your body, to live the life you’ve been avoiding for weeks, months, years. you are doing all your parents couldn’t do for you. you are learning to show up for yourself. to comfort yourself in the joys that no one sees and the subtle despair no one understands. i am in no man’s land. i am not living for my eating disorder anymore. and i’m not recovered yet. i’m in recovery. i am in no man’s land. and just when i was able to be alone, was i able to find myself.
j.l.g. (@dothenextrighthing)
