Hi, its the aaron anon again who is hearing-impaired and have a cheater dad! Now i really need advice from aaron that what can i do to make things go right? They are still fighting not wanting divorce because of financial problems and all, and my older sister is going through A lot since her marriage and I’m really close to her like a twin but i cannot help to feel sad for her surviving through everything, trying to act normal as she has a very huge mental issues and trying to have a baby,,
It’s the same anon and sorry for making my ask too long but unfortunately I’m going through a lot recently and i would lose my mind if i didn’t take it all from my chest and my recent problem is a relative of mine who was very exited to show his love to me his mom blocked us after i unfriend him for religious reasons and I’m a Muslim so it will maybe explain everything and he made me loved once but now I’m not sure I’m a girl who is proud of herself i don’t feel unworthy that easy. end of asking
First off, Aaron is here for you!!! That is a lot to have on your plate, and he wants to recognize that you’re doing your absolute best to get through it, and that’s important and admirable.
Aaron suggests making a list of all your problems--here you’ve laid out several issues. When you think about everything that’s going on all at once, that makes it really easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. If you break down the problems, that might help you focus on tackling one at a time, and that might be able to help you find a way to move forward productively.
First, the problem of your parents’ marriage. This can be a really devastating thing to watch them go through, especially if you feel stressed because of it. Aaron suggests talking to them each separately about what they want moving forward. Maybe they don’t want a divorce for financial reasons--do they want to just separate? Stay in the same home but in separate bedrooms? Attend counseling and eventually hope for reconciliation and healing?
Once you know what each person wants (and again, this is based on your comfort level with each of your parents--does your relationship with them allow you to safely have these kinds of serious heavy conversations as equals? If not, don’t, because your safety always comes first), think about if there’s any overlap in what they want moving forward. If there isn’t, it might be time to get a marriage counselor or trusted adult (maybe a grandparent or family friend you trust to mediate) involved so they can figure out how to proceed.
What can you do? You can focus on facilitating a productive dialogue--if someone raises their voice, keep yours quiet and calm. Ask questions--is that what I said? Was I finished before you started talking? Does this seem reasonable to you? Try to help them come to an understanding without necessarily taking a side. If this is too much, it might be as simple as looking up the numbers of marriage counselors and writing them down and telling your parents to make an appointment (probably virtually, in the current circumstances).
The second part here is your sister--it must be hugely draining for her to have to deal with her own mental health, the stress of your parents’ marriage, and trying to have a baby. Your goal here, as Aaron sees it, is to be a support. Now, Aaron wants to remind you that it is important to understand where you draw the line, where supporting others may help them but hurt you. Learn how much you can give without draining yourself too much.
Talk to your sister. Call her on the phone, take her out for coffee or lunch (maybe in the park or outside, rather than inside) and really check in with her. If she needs to cry, let her (bring tissues!). If she needs to rant, let her. You know your sister better than Aaron does--do you think she needs a listening ear and a reminder of your unconditional love, or do you think she would respond to constructive solutions such as getting therapy, figuring out fertility options, etc? When/if you do try to offer solutions, you can relate them to your own problems, but remember that your experiences and hers are not exactly the same, and this conversation is about her, not you. Try to keep her centered in the discussion, ask her what she thinks would be best, and work together with her to figure out a way to make things easier.
There are two more things I’m seeing in your ask. The first is this question of the friend or relative who cares for you. Aaron isn’t entirely sure what the issue is here. Do you feel guilty for blocking contact with this person? Do you feel sad that his mother wants to cut off contact between you two? Are you sorry that he cares for you? Do you actually like that he does, and miss the attention now? There are a lot of feelings that can be associated with a feeling like this--Aaron suggests writing them out in a journal (either on paper or on the computer), to help figure out what you’re feeling. Then try to think about how you want to deal with those emotions. If you feel guilty, Aaron wants to gently remind you that you are not responsible for how other people feel about you. Your kindness was in no way an invitation for this person to feel romantic feelings about you.
Finally, the last thing Aaron wants to address is something you didn’t explicitly bring up in the ask. Your questions and concerns were all for other people, how you could help them. That suggests you’re a really empathetic person, and that can be great for helping others, but it can also mean that you feel a lot of strong emotions, and that can be draining. He wants to suggest that you check in with yourself regularly. How are you feeling? Choose three words to describe your current state (happy, numb, excited, stressed, tired, etc). What problems are bothering you? (Mom and Dad were really bad today, my sister’s really struggling and I don’t know how to help). What is one small step you can take to help? (Make Mom some tea; text Sister to see how she’s doing)
Taking care of others is great, and Aaron applauds you for wanting to do it, but he wants to remind you to take care of yourself, too! If you’re okay with it, he’d like to give you a virtual hug and remind you that he’s always here for you if you need it.
