i realized i wasn't able to write an entry for august yet. though i gotta admit that my sense of time has reached an all-new high given that my sleeping pattern is horrible now and i am freeballin' right now.
good thing i took out a calendar (and that phones have dates) for me to this keep track. and also, thank goodness that i still have some activities to look forward to for me to still track time somehow.
that's really the secret huh? or rather, balance really is something one needs to learn to feel like...things are not overwhelming. like, there is no extreme? not too broing, not too busy.
it's been a month and a half-ish since losing my job. honestly, i don't feel any sense of urgency yet to get back to work, but isn't that just the sense of security moneys gives ya. i admit that it is that. plus, my mother's support that i take a break.
right now, i don't really have the urge (?) to go back. i honestly don't know if i do want to go back and if i can. but hey, that's why we are taking a break, right? to take a moment and think about things. well, clear the mind first. gets things out of the way. and then figure out, in a slow pace, where am i heading to?
i'm just happy to not have any responsibilities right now. all i really have to think about is myself, which is honestly a privilege. given everything, given how life works in this country, it is a privilege.
i've been thinking about finding a partner more. well, not finding really, but having one. i truly ma curious now what it means to share a life with someone. how is that in practice? someone i can go to? you know? talk about life with.
hmmm, but i honestly don't know where to start. on how to look for that, you know? especially since it is gonna take a lot of weeds to get to a flower. haha. bad metaphor, but yeah. also, i have been sooooooo lustful that i'm just like WHY but also hormones hahahaha. it is for sure hormones hahaha.
but yeah. i don't know where to start, but like, i'm curious now how i am as a partner. and what is it truly like to have a partner? though...i also fully acknowledge how...i need to face my sadness. face my insecurities and my demons.
i have an awful inner critic. just so awful. it tells me the worst lies and maybe the hardest truths, but like, yeah, it's heavy. i wonder if there will be someone who can handle that? but alternatively, can i also handle theirs? i guess...that's something, right?
again though, me being a fangirl just helps me figure out what attracts me hahaha and it had also been warmth and now it is truly gentleness.
i do mean it when i say, i hope to fall in love calmly and gently. i don't need excitement at the start. it can come when everything is sure. i do pray for a soft kind of love between me and whoever is going to be my partner.
right now, i do need to put back proper structure in my life with my sleeping habits hahahaha but i like how i can just deal with one thing at a time. therapy, driver's license, and all other side quests. hahaha.
i am grateful for the time to just...do everything i need to do at my own pace.
i do wonder how long i can keep up with this haha. how long can i not be working... we'll see, tbh. but yeah, one major thing at a time. and thank you good lord for the security.
areudirty
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
jimmyeatworldofficial
