Forehead451

secret account lol

[forehead451]

all-time favourite songs

[forehead451]

......... mmmmmm....

[forehead451]

(typed on wed but not posted)

ha. ha ha ha.

woke up in the middle of the night thinking it was 2pm, not 2am when id JUST gone to bed.

woke up with periodic cramping but wasnt a fucking joke.

saw light brown in my underwear this morning. put on a pantyliner.

in the bathroom again, light brown spotting confirmed. almost exactly a week out from the plan b as the internet said would happen.

i cant fucking believe how it turned out.

[forehead451]

i feel so .....

.

.

.

humiliated. but also brave. disappointed. and hurt. and happy i tried. that i did this brave, big thing. i did nothing stupid here. even if i feel like i did.

i didn't bother someone who was going through a hard time or who was not ready. i didn't idealize anyone beyond reason. i just let myself feel hopeful.

[forehead451]

wow i cant wait to get fucked harddd tonight lol. or, well tomorrow ig. heh.

honestly we'll probably just makeout n shit bc ill be so sleepy lol

i am nervous. and excited. mostly excited to get to he him in person and see his full body expressions, how he moves through a space again. its been so so long.

[forehead451]

JESUS FUCK HES HOT.

i cannot take another second of this long distance thing and we're not even together together holy shit. either we fuck as soon as we get home or we will draw it out slowllllyyyy going through dinner and shower and ready for bed before we do anything. ill be sweaty and gross from the plane lol but dAMN.

fuck i may even have to kiss him in the car. its like. yes its nice to savour it and wait but holy shit im gonna wanna jump him off the bat. but if we start...we're not stopping. so no to kissing him before we get home. its only 20 minutes, we can last. jeez.

i WILL want to shower immediately. ik me, ill be feeling sweaty in my crotch and mouth stale and eyes crusty. I WANNA BE FRESH, CLEAN, AND HYDRATED for this!!!

we may be the last people we ever kiss or fuck. like ever. like in earnest at least not just for fun lol. weird to think about. ive always known there would be more with other people. but with taylor... i mean. hes a dream, my own dream. like i cant imagine truly wanting anyone else, or imagining anyone better. hes so good for me, we're perfect for each other. and not by accident, but by decades of friendship and careful effort. its WILD.

we are both so uniquely capable of loving each other the way we both want and need.

i cannot wait to kiss him. im gonna be drunk from it. once i start, idk how I'll stop. the first day is wide open for a reason, we'll need to get it out of our systems at least a LITTLE. it wont truly satiate anything but. its necessary.

when i think of him this song literally plays (ha. yes. i am aware of the title lol)

i am so FUCKING corny, i already imagined dancing to this at our wedding reception. YES. YOU HEARD ME.

(not necessarily as our first dance but def at some significant point in the evening lol) (also of note: sister sledge "you're a friend to me" is also very relevant)

i have never. in my fucking LIFE genuinely imagined a wedding with anyone. ANYONE. (besides like maybe ryan as kids but even THEN) let alone our first dance and our families and friends. i LOOKED UPPPPP Late 70s Wedding. 70s Wedding Dress. 70s Wedding Aesthetic. Gamine Wedding Dress. Unconventional Wedding Dress.

ive gone fucking INSANE. but whether we follow any tradition is irrelevant. its simply me imagining a future with taylor in the ways ive known how to. so ill indulge in it.

i see a place of our own that is somewhat of a hub for our family and friends. even better that we share so many already. wooden furniture. plants. cozy colourful blankets. games on games stacked. an amazing sound system. we love playing new music and dancing together in the living room. maybe we compromised with a rabbit if we have pets lol (hamsters or a couple guinea pigs more likely haha). we encourage each other to try out things we were too afraid to before.

we're stupidly and so disgustingly in love. people tell us how we make each other glow.

is this the safety and freedom i need to make art, to connect with my creativity again? it might be. already im allowing myself to imagine.

i really really think taylor must be my soulmate, i have no other way to understand this despite not believing in such things up until now. i think we were destined for each other. he had to get married and get everything he thought he wanted. i had to face and challenge the reality of all the toxic ideas i had about love and about myself. any earlier and it wouldn't have worked. we both arrived together and the exact perfect moment. it wouldn't have worked in the height of my stress this past winter, or when he quit his job. our burnouts. not before i began to face my complete queerness. not while he still held onto codependent beliefs trying to make things work in another relationship. and learning what parts of his optimism he wanted to hold into and which were purely ideas he felt he should have.

hes such a hopeless romantic. he believes so strongly in the existence of true love and it being worth pursuing beyond reason. he shut that part of him down to be practical when it came to me. but he's following his heart and intuition this time around and its taken him right back to me, after everything. it probably wasnt the right answer yet when he felt it, but it is now.

i looked through the pictures of his year abroad. i just keep thinking "this taylor was in love with me. this taylor was floating after spending a summer with me, wanting to be close to me one more time. this taylor was telling his family about me and had been for years. this taylor was missing me and wishing to be close to me. he was imagining me everywhere he went, knowing i belonged there". it still floors me. i can't believe i was loved so completely and for so long.

and i knew his then-fiancee was not for him. she just wasnt. the complete whole and wonderful person that he is wouldn't be appreciated by her. and i knew he was in love with an idea. it just wasnt the kind of life i thought hed be happy in. and somewhat unfortunately, it turned out to be true. never would say that to anyone though. maybe id admit it to him. he never belonged with either of them. even though it seemed on paper that he'd met his match with his ex, but i knew it didn't was surface level. i knew it. i was shocked and surprised when he called to tell me about her. i was happy for him! ...and also disappointed without knowing why i felt this sinking feeling. i chalked it up to jealousy that someone would get more my friend's attention from then on but took it as immaturity because i wanted to be moving forward in life the same way. ohhh boy.

less than 72 hours. and we'll see each other again.

except this time won't be like all the rest. we'll get to kiss and touch and show each other how we actually feel.

[forehead451]

whats really romantic to me is. that he is happy when I am happy.

i was so nervous about how masculine i might present. not bc i dont like those days but that it would turn him off. it wouldn't STOP me necessarily but. i would be pulled to balance it more, for HIS sake. or to be actually accurate, for MY SAKE worrying what he might think and if he might not be into me after seeing how i look or how we look together. it really got me after the new clothes and haircut after freaking about it enough the night before.

hes like: do YOU like it? then so do i! plus? you dont even know what i might think. maybe i love it even more than before. or so what if its not my favourite thing? you know how i feel about you. i think you can gather lol. there are so many reasons that are so much more important than how you might look like on any given day. im so attracted to your personality and who you are, something as simple as this could never begin to change that. as long as you are happy and having fun with playing with this, then i am too.

i love him so much. hes so open and supportive and he LOVES ME.

[forehead451]

!!!

[forehead451]

i wish id never told her anything. i refuse to let her ruin this. i already let her affect me when i was doing the workshops. the most important thing thus far in my career. fi WILL NOT LER HER RUIN THIS. this is one of the BEST AND BIGGEST THINGS to happen to me and it hasn't even fully begun. i will NOT LET HER MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF OR HIM OR MY HOPE TO MOVE OUT WEST TO LIVE WITH HIM. NOTHING HAS CHANGED EXCEPT HER KNOWING.

the reality is that i feel scared of her and how she will try to twist this into something ugly. im so scared of how she will retaliate because I dared to do something or care about somebody that ISN'T HER. TO THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT. i need to be stronger than ever.

its already working. im already pulling back from him bc i dont want to be too vulnerable. bc i doubt he can handle true conflict and my heaviness. thats not right. i have to give him the opportunity to be there for me. and to also be vulnerable with the person who wants to be my life partner. who i want to be mine. i cannot fail him or myself by pulling away. im not doing it anymore. there's too much at stake to stay in these patterns.

[forehead451]

called taylor in the grove a few minutes ago (im on The park bench)

we talked about daft punk and their origins with pheonix in darlin'. im listening to his recommended order of sade listening lol he loooves her :')

he was high and apologized for being loopy and quieter than usual bc of it. i told him im worried that we're gonna move in together and we both like our vices and being sleepy and making tomorrow the next new day (hahah)! what'll happen, how will we get shit done. he says we'll keep each other accountable. i said but then ill tell you and then you'll tell me this instance is fine. and he said well then we'll give each other one free pass per month. and i said but then we'll hype each other and then hide that we're betraying ourselves and our agreed plan. he said no we won't hide it bc we understand each other and why we do it. so we'll hold each other accountable and be each other's conscience. i said so be codependent. he said no interdependent! ill make a spreadsheet and we'll be able to keep track of what our tasks are. i said okay we'll keep a tally of how often we do it on a board on the wall of when we make excuses and when we need to do things. he says yes itll be a reminder and we'll point to it. i said ill put a hanging art piece over it for when people come over. he says yes and we'll only show it to those who would benefit from our methods. i laughed at all this and said this is insane and that i like him so much. he said its good that i said it was insane lol. but that see, we can move in together! i think we're gonna end up going insane while also going very happily into it.

i need to figure out my shit for work since he'll be starting school soon. ah!!😵‍💫im most worried about that.

after reading my hs diary, i cried for a bit after seeing how heartbroken i was by how people treated me and often came back years later to apologize for me. liked or loved but always just not enough. not enough to treat me kindly or just being forthcoming. even seeing how cruel hw would be. mean one day then suddenly apologizing months or years later indirectly through bj and coming out to hang out with us.

then that made me think of how insane taylor is about me. what if he's actually stupid in love and i just cant see it. he could be completely delusional and just seems rational. like who holds onto their hs crush like this? is it sweet or stupid?????! for me too! it seems too sweet and good to be true.

idk. im still very insecure about how inexperienced i am re proper relationships. i barely know how to show affection to someone standing up and in public. i have, its just. idek how to initiate it bc of how few times i have. maybe never initiating it.

i dont want to be the awkward one with getting physical. he at least has had long-term partners.

whenever people have talked too sweet to me, its come before them humiliating me. ik taylor isnt going to do that. but my nervous system is preparing for it. for humiliation. like how stupid could i be to believe someone could mean the nice things they say to me. like ha you really thought someone would love you and mean it? you really think you deserve this? you're delusional and imagining what you want to be real vs facing what actually is. the moment you let yourself fall all the way in love and commit to him, hes going to prove that youve been making all this up and forcing something to happen. if you were smart amd thought for two seconds, youd know this isnt real. pathetic. desperate. stupid. loser. empty amd substanceless. living in fantasy instead of the real world. you can't do this, you cant love anyone, you cant be loved, not for real, not well. you're going to fail and be left in a worse place than when you started and trusted another person like this.

its not taylor im worried about as much as im worried about ME.

[forehead451]

stuff we talked about today. [we talked for 7 hours (!!!!) straight over text then call then text again lmao jfc.]

piercings, he really likes nose piercings

pegging, hes open to it if i am (i am)

sexual preferences and kinks and turnoffs and fantasies

psychology behind preferences to submission

he loves a service role.

he doesn't love receiving head that much, he prefers pleasing his partner and gets off on that.

he turned on by degradation maybe but when followed by praise. im suspecting hes also somewhat of a brat who might enjoy brat taming lol, he loves to do the opposite of what hes supposed to do. goes back to childhood and being punished and humiliated a lot for stupid reasons at school

he's really turned on by squirting lmao luckily for him

he really likes being dominated and directed, assertiveness itself aside from being dommed is what hes turned on by

he thinks could get into my stuff like bondage/restraint and being stuck, objectification like being fucked like an object/toy, spanking, biting, etc

i told him i hate face slapping and like dping

we both hate 69ing lol

he told me how he got into audio prn and remembered loving this one that was two childhood best friends finally getting together after so many years

he's amped about how fit he is nowadays loll so hes ready to throw me around

he's just very excited about eating me out and licking/kissing me all over

i told him about my first sexual experiences in hs and sneaking into the boys dorm. i cried a little telling him about how when we were younger, boys made casual sex into something gross or ugly when it wasn't like that for me and made me feel ashamed or dirty afterwards.

he told me about the thing he called "the worst thing hes done". i feel that its more about the shame and being at rock bottom more than the act itself, which the act is perfectly fine. hes so sweet and wants to be honest and good all the time. he was scared id not be into continuing if i knew. he felt lighter after we both shared stuff

i read him a passage I'd written in grd 9 about how i felt sorry for people who got married and had only known their partner for a few years. how i liked the idea of how nice it would be to grow up with someone and spend your whole life with them, playing together, hanging out with a group of friends, falling in love slowly, and in your 20s or early 30s finally deciding to be together. it was surreal when id read it and he got a kick out of it too, now knowing that dream was about us now.

he read me all the fb messages he'd sent about me. telling his brothers in the years before Thailand that he was resolved to talk to me more and hang out with me and brandon giving him some sage advice to not just spring his feelings on me over messenger but just keep talking and finding out more about each other until he can feel it out in person. and that maybe I'm not even interested in dating and wanting a man at all just bc its expected. he talked about us strawberry picking and how much he liked me and how cool he thought i was. they were so encouraging.

he read our messages too, our texts and fb messages. but i said to hold off on those, i wanted to read them in person with him.

he told me that he'd downplayed what he said about wishing id call him the very NIGHT before i reached out, saying it was like a prayer like how nice would it be if--. he said no i truly pRAYED to GOD (that he doesn't believe in) that he'd send me back to him. and then the next morning, i did.

he said he wanted to be my person and i could be his

and then we hung up but ofc instead of just going about our day, we had to keep talking in the afterparty for another hour until we both got the other off lol

[forehead451]

there's a person out there who i can see myself spending the rest of my life with despite not even thinking it was an OPTION just over a month ago

i think the doubt is starting to creep in, like what if it IS just the novelty and flattery of finding out hes felt this way about me for years?

the funny thing is? i have that message i sent to marie. that was before our second call when i found out literally anything and i was thinking these things before what he said at the end and i was thinking that it was amazing how we'd grown in the same direction despite the years apart. sharing the same values and ideas about the world. having similar tough (and wonderful) experiences because of it and ending up with similar conclusions. getting to the same places from completely different directions too.

aside from any inkling of his feelings for me, i found myself sink into this warm realization (or permission) that to me, he felt so safe and exciting and challenging at the same times. he was intelligent and kind and sincere and all around wonderful and i really admired the person he'd become. I liked the things he was telling me and I felt fond of the same memories. he spoke of me so highly and made me feel like he was someone who really cared for and saw me, actually valued my mind and had evidence to prove it with how he took my words and viewpoint and let it lead him to his own research.

not just empty admiration but a level which spurred him to action.

he really respected me too. thought so highly of me and told me so and how. it was clear.

[forehead451]

a new memory popped into my head just now. idk what year it was but it was a summer evening and he brought his longboard over to bjs house and we were on kettering back when it was an empty road and he showed me how to ride and turn on it in the middle of the crosswalk. did he hold my hands for a moment? i remember him hooting when i got the hang of it and went up and down the street. i was excited bc it was something that felt natural for once and i liked its control. i felt good that he was excited for me too and told me i should get one too, that i was good at it.

that was another moment we had, separate from our friends. which was rare bc they were always around lol.

id forgotten that and i loved longboarding since even though i never did get one.

[forehead451]

oh my goodness. well? today we talked about how we ARE unique cases in each other's lives. that if things work out the way we hope, what exactly is keeping us from moving in together. what exactly would we be waiting for to see.

my thinking was: if we WERE JUST FRIENDS, id move in with him in a heartbeat. two bffs taking on the world and trying a new approach at life together. id do it! easy!

but bc its a romantic relationship, id be supposed to take it slow and chill? except we already know each other.

well? we have our vices and depressive states. we could exacerbate the situation

OR encourage each other to be our best.

there's tad the cat. but thats not really a factor in figuring this out. though. i am pretty worried. i dont want to be puffy eyed and watery and rashy when im there. wheezing n shit. so not sexy at ALL. ill want to stay absolutely still and not breathe. the opposite of having sex essentially. ugh!!!

we need to know how we are in the same space and bc of distance, we're not going to know unless we live together. unless i go to stay there for like a month before i move in properly.

we were on the same page on kids. and alyb and his mom asked about it today. like EXACTLYYYY on the same page. thank fucking GOD!!! i cant believe it how he had the EXACT thought processes and conclusions. is there anything we can finally disagree on lool jk i do not want us differing on our goals n values lol. something not important would be nice though.

we actually laughed together tonight about having the cutest and most wholesome getting together love story of all time and we will be insufferable and rub it in everyone's faces that they aren't as cute as us, not as lucky as us. looool everyone will be absolutely sick of us.

he had a down day today but he was happy by evening. we talked for two and half hours split up on the train, when i got home, on his way to volleyball, and before we went to sleep.

[forehead451]

I AM SO INTO HIM IM PASSING OUT. WHO TF AM I?!?!?!

yesterday i told him how jealous or possessive i felt of him. he said hes never had anyone feel that way about him. that he doesn't at all mind being on the receiving end of my possessiveness. i told him I could easily ramp it up if he ever wanted me to. lol.

he said he worried about me filling in the blanks and falling for a version of him that doesn't actually exist only to be disappointed when i arrive. i think that's impossible at this point. i know him well enough and for so long to not imagine a new version in my head. the new version of him could only be better than the young man i knew before. he be already is and i loved him as he was before all the maturing he's gone through. this isn't even a fear for me at all.

id so happily make him tell me who he belongs to. who his heart belongs to. torture him softly and slowly and make him beg for release. make him spit into my palm and shower him in praise. tell him how good he is to me, how good he is for me. how he makes me feel better than anyone ever could and that ill never share him again.

i want to kiss his sweet red lips and trace their edges. nip at his earlobe and neck and tell him how much i want him. run my hands through his hair and hold him close to me, ask him why he kept himself away from me and deny me this. tell him how i love and adore him, how much I've missed him. not just now, but all these years. before and since. tell him I'm sorry for not knowing sooner. sorry for not coming to find him sooner.

[forehead451]

oh my god.

he said hes a sub, a people pleaser thru and thru. that he can take control but he craves to be used. im curious what he means about not getting to explore like his hugh sex drive until now. hes been married, his last relationship started as fuck buddies. so what exactly does he mean that he wants to fully lean into his sexuality. how else do you fuck when you're 1) in love and married and 2) fucking TO fuck. maybe they just sucked. sorry but. i know them. and they seem basic and boring af. well his ex wife a lil wild but apparently not. he didnt bad talk them but still. and he had a slut era so what on earth.

at least we're well matched in that regard.

would he want to be pushed around, dragged around on a leash, tied up. i hope he likes biting and spanking cause lol. would he like dirty talking or humiliation? putting him down only to praise him after? im used to being submissive. but the times i have felt safe and confident, i also liked torturing my partner lol. and ive never felt as safe and confident as i am with him.

i think we're gonna have so much fun together. just freedom and play and safety and silliness and devotion. hes worshipped me for half our lives. i cant wait to reciprocate.

what im looking forward to most is lying in bed and making out tbh. i just want to touch his face and breathe into his neck, feel his body move beneath my hands. trail my toes up his calves. trace the lips ive loved for so long. a perfect red bow just begging to be kissed. i cant believe i get to after twenty years of it.

hes such a gentle and sensitive creature, so delicate and good and sweet and deserves to be treated carefully.

hes a romantic. he wants to love and be loved. he dreamed that the universe would bring us back together if it was meant to be.

he speaks so confidently and boldly. and sincerely! his power is definitely in his words and expression. it truly sweeps me off my feet and hes not even saying anything exaggerated, its just straight from his heart.

he shared with me his first journal entry, what he started this year. he was embarrassed about a "corny" part about wanting to be with people and dance and breathe in the night air again.

(20 mins later) i found a concert for us to go to on my last night. fulfill his wish of being out at night and feeling connected to people and music and art again. i need that too. i think this will be good for both of us.

i think we'll be good, really good for each other.

[forehead451]

why yes i do actually think the universe is rewarding me for a lifetime of suffering and heartbreak in the form of true love with my best friend.