Intrigued

Is what I hope you'll be

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I’m afraid of myself

So I’d been thinking of going old school, writing on paper. I knew what I wanted to write, had known for a long while now. And yet weeks passed and I couldn’t even bring myself to even hold the pen. 

Funnily enough, I experienced this earlier when I thought about making music. I had a few ideas in mind, even written down a few melodies. But when it came down to writing the lyrics, I just couldn’t. It’s not that I didn’t know what to write, but I was afraid. Afraid to pour my heart out into a song that my family and friends might accidentally listen to. I didn’t want to share my feelings with the world. (Going off-topic here a bit, but this aspect of the song industry is overlooked I believe. It takes serious courage to open up just to the people you know, let alone the whole world). At least, that’s what I thought then.

As I sat down to just write down my thoughts, no structure, nothing; just jotting down whatever pops into my head at that moment, I realized that I wasn’t just afraid of sharing to the world. I mean, who’s going to read off a random piece of paper that’s barely legible and written with lousy grammar? No, I was afraid of my own thoughts. I was afraid to set in stone whatever dread had been slowly manifesting within me. If I can’t even begin to accept myself, then how can I expect others to do so, and how do I move on from here?

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Life is a coincidence of our choosing

This is something I haven’t told anyone about, and would prefer to keep it anonymous. Why I didn’t tell anyone, I’m not sure. Maybe I was surprised it actually worked, probably a bit of fear as well, but anyways, here goes.

Around August last year I fell down a well filled with dread. I simply saw no escape, and strongly wished for things to end. Now I’m not a really intense believer in the gods. Personally, I do believe that higher powers exist, but not in the ritualistic practices that surround them. Anyways, when I said that I strongly wished, I prayed to the gods, if they were listening, asked them for a way out. I was so deep in this well that all I did was ask the same thing again and again for several days. And a couple of weeks later, around the end of August, I believe I got my answer, or at least a taste of it. 

Until today, there have been only two other occasions on which I asked god for something with a similar level of desperateness. I’m not going to go into the details, but in comparison to this, those asks were inconsequential. And yet, coincidentally or not, they were answered. Regardless of how you choose to believe these events, they left a mark on me, a mark that made me more aware of what I asked for. So believe me when I say that I completely understood what I was getting into when I asked for a way out.

Coming back to the present, when I said I got a taste of it, a part of my prayers also included giving me some time to try some things out. The reason I chose to write this up today, was that I finally ended up sorting most of those things, and as if exactly on cue, I got another taste of it. I think there was some part of me hoping that these events were nothing but a mere coincidence. But can they really be called a coincidence when you asked for it?

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A way to end things?

So I’ve been experiencing a few serious symptoms of Covid-19. And honestly I feel this is having more of a mental toll than anything. Not on me. I’m not suicidal, but I don’t really have much to live for. Maybe I’m prepared to die. But people close to me, they worry too much. It’s always the people closest to you who work the hardest to keep you in this world. A world of pain and suffering. A world of joyful laughter and adrenaline filled moments. A world that’s not only yours, but also theirs. And yet, I’m hoping this virus can help me end things for good. Don’t get me wrong, I do love them all, dearly. But I guess I’m also the most selfish of the lot.

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Are we all just empty inside?

I’ve been trying to live by my own words, but it has proven quite hard when you’re mostly stuck at home, alone. Spirits were much better in March and April. Now I just feel empty inside. All the things that made me well, me, have mostly disappeared. Life now is just a daily drone of cook, clean and work. I did go out a couple of times, a breath of fresh air was very much needed. But having caught the virus, I’m back locked up at home. The virus hasn’t really done anything to my body, but it did bring back the feeling of dread that has been occupying the back of my brain for a while now.

What I’ve seen around me, people try to keep themselves occupied, pursuing a hobby, delving into their work, learning something new, something of the sort. Of course, I’ve been trying the same things. Yet no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to stick to it. Hobbies? Boring. Work? Not interested. All my enthusiasm has been drained out of me. Or maybe it was never there in the first place. Makes you think about what actually drives us to live. Or if we’re just a hollow shell.

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So I was watching Limmy’s show, when this clip hit me hard. I don’t know if he said this only in context of the show, but this is really what it means to live in the moment. In continuation of my previous post, this is how memories are created. Leave the thinking to where it’s required, your work or school or whatever. Embrace your inner self, and let it all out. See where this leads you. And in the making of it, expose your hidden nature, your desires, your motivation. Don’t go soul-searching. Let it come to you. 

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A walk down memory lane

Last week, I played this cute little game called Unravel (and also Unravel Two). You play a character made out of yarn being knitted by an old lady, and open her book of memories (what better way to preserve your most defining memories than a photo album). A simple 2D adventure puzzle game with a beautifully designed environment, the game has a simple story showing life itself.

Life is all about creating memories. Memories you look back upon in nostalgia, that remind you of all the good times you had. Or even those that caused you unbelievable pain and grief, something that if you manage to get through, would remind you of how those experiences forged you into the person you are today. 

If you’re like me, going through an existential crisis, wondering what our greater purpose in life is, I’m here to tell you that I’ve found the answer. The ultimate purpose of our living. And it is to create some beautiful fucking memories. Memories that bring a whole bunch of things with it. The good, the bad, the pain.  Memories that make you smile, laugh, sad, angry, regret, feel things you may have never felt, or experience what you may have forgotten.

Now you may be asking, how do I go about making these memories? The answer is simple. Just live. Every single day of your life is part of a long spool of yarn being woven into a piece that tells a beautiful tale. It may take a long time before this piece can be completed. It may never be completed. And yet, the tale it tried to tell can live on, but only if you allow it to do so. The piece, even unfinished, a final requiem for your life.

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Three things I learnt playing video games tackling mental issues

Over the past few weeks I’ve played three different games, that deal with real issues of mental well-being.  Having never played such games before, these three games were truly a unique experience for me, and it’s something that I would love to have more of.

The first one I played was Figment (grabbed for free on Epic Games). A very colorful game, definitely aimed for a very young audience. 

The mental issues being tackled in the game were mostly in the background, something you wouldn’t notice if you were playing the game purely for fun. A story that has you fighting your nightmares, overcoming your mental blocks, only to emerge hopefully a better person. Dusty (the character you play) tries to hold on to the one thing preventing him from falling into the eternal abyss, his scrapbook, full of good memories. Until even that is lost eventually, to despair. But sometimes all you need is a little push. A something, or someone, that can keep egging you on till you gain momentum, and after that it’s all you. This game told me to never keep yourself in the past. Sometimes, letting go is the best way to move on. It’s a struggle alright, and your nightmares may never be truly vanquished, but perseverance and faith in your own ability ensures that you push through. 

Moving on, the second game I played was Firewatch (from Steam). Most may not put this game under mental well-being, but I beg to differ. 

The game starts with a choice-based sequence that gives you a mentally broken character, before you take up a solitary job that you hope may distract you or give you time to heal. The game gives you a sole companion, who you can only talk to using a radio. The game has a small story, involving a bit of exploration, but the part where the game shines is the emotional relationship between you, and your friend, Delilah. Despite it being only a conversational relationship - you never see Delilah - the emotions are definitely real. The game offers you several choices of dialogue as you build your conversation with Delilah, and the voice acting is so good, that it immediately takes you into the world. There’s something real in opening up your heart to a stranger, and does wonders for your mind. Opening up is something we struggle to do, particularly when we’ve experienced something traumatic. People usually think it’s best to give us space, and we’ll eventually heal. But no. If Firewatch taught me anything, it’s that pouring your heart out definitely helps. 

This brings me to the last game, Sea of Solitude (Origin Basic Access). 

I didn’t really enjoy the game. Either it was poorly optimized or my laptop is actually a potato. The story felt deeply personal, not something I could relate to. Yet it was something I could learn from. The story is about Kay, how her emotions have manifested as “monsters” that consume her, and how she deals with them. She believes herself to be solely responsible for the experiences in her life, and is a story about acceptance, of both her own shortcomings, and of things that aren’t in her control. And I think this is something really important to take home. Even if you live the most ideal happy life, the same can’t be said to people around you. Sometimes, you just have to accept reality for what it is. You don’t always get what’s best for you, but it’s important to make sure you make the best of what you get.

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What good is it to dwell on things?

I was watching this show called Fleabag a couple months back (watch it if you haven’t). In one of the episodes, while Fleabag (the main character), and her dad were having a heart-to-heart moment, she asks him “Do you think about her (her mother)?”. The question was a simple one, but something that got me mulling over for days to come. I had lost someone very dear to me, and though the death was not recent, it made me question whether or not I had come to terms with it.

One of the recurring thoughts going through my mind was if its alright to think about someone you’ve lost, particularly if those thoughts also bring about a whole bunch of sadness, or pain. One of the most, maybe overused phrase after you’ve lost someone is “It’s time to move on”. What moving on entails, however, is something no one can really explain, especially when there’s a whole lot of pain involved. How then, do we move on? 

Speaking about my own experience here, the person I talked about above was my first real encounter with loss. When I found out, I cried the whole night. I hopped on the first flight back home next morning, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. I spent most of my time hiding in the shadows, trying to cover up my pain. However, I didn’t have much time to heal. I had something really important going on back home, and had to take a flight back later that night. The next few days went in a flash, I was too occupied to let my emotions bring me down. However, once it all settled down, they flooded back into my mind, and I felt myself spiraling. 

Back then, I didn’t really understand, but looking back, I realized that I was able to push through those few days in between because I had other things on my mind, things that grounded me to reality. Things that didn’t give me time to dwell on what I’d lost. 

We are not built to handle repetitive themes of thoughts and emotions. It leads to a bias in the way we move forward. These thoughts fill us with emotions that eventually weigh us down, and to avoid them we keep ourselves busy, find things to do, anything, to keep the brain occupied. The drone of everyday life, our habitual actions, all to prevent us from tumbling into an endless fall that is our mind.

And yet, it is important to listen to these thoughts, because the emotions they derive are what drive us forward in life. It is difficult yes, because they bring a whole lot of pain. Those of us who push forward, have to learn to live with the pain, embalm it. Always remember that it is a part of you. But never succumb to it, because if you do, you may never return.

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What’s next?

It’s been a 104 days of home quarantine (coincidentally, not just a Phineas and Ferb reference). I haven’t used Tumblr for a long time now, but slowly going through all my old stuff made me nostalgic for a different time. 

I got a break from the daily hustle and bustle, and I’ve had a lot of time for self-introspection. A lot of things are going through my mind right now, but I’ve come to realize that penning down my thoughts comes a long way in understanding myself. Since diaries are old-fashioned nowadays (right?), I’ll be using Tumblr to share whatever goes on in that big brain of mine, starting with a post on mental health next week. 

Take care of yourselves, and stay safe.

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Share this until Wenger sees it so we can all have one final moment of Wenger struggling with the zip of his coat

[natgeoyourshot]

Top Shot: Whale Trail

Top Shot features the photo with the most votes from the previous day’s Daily Dozen, 12 photos chosen by the Your Shot editors from thousands of recent uploads. Our community votes for their favorite photo from the selection, and the Top Shot is showcased on the @natgeoyourshot Instagram account.

“This male Humpback Whale spent over an hour playing in the water and interacting around me, putting on an incredible show for the camera,” writes Your Shot photographer Beau Pilgrim, who captured this amazing underwater image. “This photo was captured as the pectoral fin swiped through the surface of the water, leaving a trail of bubbles behind.” Photograph by Beau Pilgrim

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Television this year - An overview

I just finished watching the iZombie Season Finale and thought about sharing a brief overview/review of this year in TV (before Game of Thrones comes out of course), or at least those I watched, and what I would be expecting for the coming season. 

I’ll try to keep this as Spoiler Free as possible, but wherever I feel like I’m crossing the line I’ll warn you so don’t worry (Spoiler warnings for this season only though, if you haven’t watched the previous season also please skip this post) 

PS: There are a lot of TV Shows on this list. I need to get a job soon.

1. Lucifer

I was interested in how this ‘Mom’ dynamic would play out and I enjoyed it surprisingly enough. Some parts felt a bit dragged out but mostly it was an enjoyable season and I was glad that (SPOILER WARNING) Lucifer was going to tell Chloe the truth. I'm not sure about the ending though and honestly have no idea what to expect for the next season. I did read somewhere that there were supposed to be 3 more episodes for the season which is now moved to the next season which probably explains why it seemed so sudden. 

I rate this season a 7/10 

2. Arrow

This was a really good season, well planned and had solid character arcs (except maybe for Ragman). The flashbacks were good. Deathstroke is back. Prometheus was a freaking psycho villain. A lot to look out for the next season. Overall, it felt like the show was back to it’s roots, while also trying to make up for the mistakes of the previous season.

I rate this season a 8.5/10

3. The Flash

You probably know what to expect here. It was a disappointing season. Savitar had the potential to be a great villain, and could have made it really personal. One of the mistakes I feel had to be the mood of the team after watching Iris die in the future. It turned them into a really depressing bunch who kept talking about the same things and how to avoid them. And I feel that the Savitar reveal should’ve come much earlier which could bring a whole new level of tension. Also how many Harrison Wells are you going to replace. God! I did like how they ended the season though and would like to see Kid Flash put up front for at least a few episodes next season. I mean, they can right? Kid Flash does have ‘Flash’ in his name.

I rate this season a 6/10

4. DC’s Legends of Tomorrow

A massively entertaining season, one of my personal favorites right now. The writers did a lot of mix and matching with the various characters, and had some memorable moments like the one with Ray and Thawne on the moon, or that episode which they did from the Legion’s perspective. The ending was great, though I really don’t see how it can set up a whole season. I’m sure it won’t be a whole season of them trying to clean up their mess, but the question I guess would be how much of their time will this take, and how exactly would they go forward with it. 

I rate this season a 9/10

5. Legion

I did not know what this show was about when I started watching it but I was sure as hell surprised when I found out that this was actually a superhero show! This show messed up with my mind in the beginning, and some parts I still really didn’t understand and I’m not going to even try to understand them. What sets this apart is the aesthetics, which brilliantly manages to capture your attention. It manages to get you thinking about what’s real and what’s not. As for the next season, there seems to be a new big bad, while the old one is still at large. I would like to see an interesting dynamic between The Shadow King and next season’s bad guy. Guess we have to wait and watch

I rate this season a 9.5/10

6. Fargo

This season was quite different from the other seasons, and as expected ties in with the previous seasons, though in a much larger way. I felt this season was average but mainly because I had a lot of trouble reading in between the lines. I did not quite get what the writers were trying to say most of the time (though some quick searches on the internet helped), and I think there are quite a few people who would agree with me. Needless to say, the interaction between the characters was really interesting to watch, and VM Varga did make an interesting bad guy, or should I say opportunist? 

I rate this season a 7/10

7. Better Call Saul

At times, it maintains the frustratingly slow pace we’ve seen in Breaking Bad, and yet, this is what helps us connect with the characters more, and really understand their motivations. This season has more of Mike and Fring and Salamanca, which of course everyone wanted. I don’t think this show will have more than 5 or 6 seasons though, so maybe we will see it picking up pace soon (similar to Breaking Bad). I do want more interactions between Jimmy and Mike next season though

I rate this season a 8.5/10

8. Silicon Valley

It’s great that the show is still hilarious. I honestly thought they would run out of ideas or something. But it still manages to twist the story to it’s liking and finally have them all unravel in the end. It’s innovative and funny, something we don’t see much these days. I hope they have some more good luck next season. Also sad to find out that Erlich will not be there next season :(

I rate this season a 8/10

9. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

I thoroughly enjoyed this season, though the finale could’ve been much better. The Ghost Rider was an interesting addition this season and the LMD and the Framework story line was played out well. What I was disappointed about was the finale because it felt very rushed, which I guess they had no option because of the many plots left open. Now about that ending, I read that something called S.W.O.R.D will be coming in next season which means space travel or something. Sounds awesome!

I rate this season a 7.5/10

10. Gotham

It was a crazy year for Gotham. I like how they’re not afraid to go on a much darker (or crazier) line. I liked how they brought back some of the villains we loved, and (SPOILER WARNING) with the arrival of Ra’s Al Ghul, I believe we are going to see a lot more of Bruce Wayne taking on criminals now, and a lot more Selina Kyle, which is great. Looking forward to another crazy season

I rate this season a 7/10

11. Taboo

This was one of the more interesting shows I watched this year. Quite different from the shows mentioned above. Like most shows in this genre, it had a pretty slow start but picked up pace soon after. This did help build up the characters, though Delaney is still mysteriously hard to read. There appears to be a mystical element in this show that I quite don’t understand yet, but the acting is really good and Tom Hardy does an outstanding job in taking up his presence onscreen. I’m not sure what to expect next season but I do hope it delves into Delaney’s past more and gives us some much needed explanations.

I rate this season a 7.5/10

12. Supergirl

This season wasn’t really headed in a particular direction in the beginning which for a year long season isn’t really the best idea. I always feel like the drama is a bit overdone at times though the characters are well developed leading to some really powerful and emotional scenes like in the finale. As for next season, maybe Mon-El can make his way back sometime, hopefully. One thing I do hope they do is whatever message they’re trying to imply, try to make it more subtle. 

I rate this season a 6/10

13. iZombie (This is the last one if you’re getting impatient)

iZombie always interested me as a different take on a Zombie show, but it’s reassuring to see that people out there are preparing for the apocalypse. I liked how they manage to converge widely varied plot points together last season, and this season was kinda the same. I think they upped the humor a bit, and there was definitely a lot of fun with the brains. And now I know what it looks like when a zombie is having a vision. Also, is it OK if I want to spend a day with Liv on Dominatrix brain? (SPOILER WARNING FOR THE FINALE). The season ended with DDay - Discovery Day that is. I don’t know what it will mean for the show. I just read that the government will construct a wall around Seattle to confine the zombies. There are a lot of people out there who believe the apocalypse is coming. Next season is going to be messed up. Damn!

I rate this season a 8/10

Anyways, thanks for reading! Sorry for the really long post, but I hope you enjoyed it. Here’s a Cookie! 

*omnomnomonom*

(If you know any other TV shows that came out this year, do tell me)

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So I collected information from some polls and reviews and made this pie chart depicting the reason for which people hate these DCEU movies (with a touch of my own opinion as well). Let’s see how Wonder Woman pans out before adding it to this list