saviare // clarke
his panic surprised her. she had expected shock and guilt, she had seen it before when steve woke him. this was different. there was a soul wrenching look in his eye, each ‘no’ that escaped his lips sound a little more like it was being pulled straight from his lungs. she had moved to the edge of the bed as he backed against the wall, somehow the distance between felt like a canyon with the way he looked at her. it was guilt but something deeper, sadder, and her heart hurt as it painted across his face. “ bucky, ” she breathed out, standing up in the dark bedroom as if to stop him. every once in while, she noticed that there were things that flowed between the two men that no one else to hold a candle to. they understood each other, experienced life together, their childhoods and adulthoods were so closely intertwined. there were moments like these that steve just knew what to say, what to do and she felt like she was floundering. everything about bucky was still new to her, she was still intimately learning about him like he was learning about her. they led vastly different lives, opposing at each end. her hands were used to save lives and his to end them. what was she supposed to say— its alright? it will be fine? youre not dangerous? or was that lying… instead of saying anything, she grabbed comforter and wrapped it around her shoulders then stepped off the bed toward him. she didnt know what steve would say but she knew just going back to bed without him wasnt the answer either. “ well then we wont be in bed, ” she told him, stepping past him to open the door. she walked into the darkness of the living room, the comforter end trailing behind her as she used the city night light through the curtains to navigate around furniture. she got to the fire escape window and pushed it open, the fall night chill letting itself in as she climbed out onto the metal landing. she sat down on one of the cold cushions she kept out there, waiting for him to come through the window before holding out one of her arms for him to join her under the safety of the massive comforter blanket. she wasnt afraid him, not before and not now.
when clarke walked by, he couldn’t move. he kept the wall pressed firmly against his back like it was a lifeline. this was one of the many reasons he preferred to sleep with steve between them. he loved the feel of the woman at his side but the way nightmares could paralyze him or make him trash. one wrong move and the terror could have him lashing out, punching, or otherwise trying to attack someone. steve was more durable simply because of the serum pumping through his veins. it would take a lot more to permanently damage the other. clarke, intelligent and strong as she was, didn’t have the same durability. to think he came dangerously close to hurting her placed guilt on top of the panic caused by the voices in his head.
he hears the rubbing of fabric. looking up, his girlfriend is walking by with the comforter around her shoulders like a cape. he’d set aside extra mental energy to fight her on coming back to bed. it wasn’t an option, plain and simple. but, instead of saying anything she simply walks by. an ear leans towards the window to follow her footsteps through the rest of the apartment, difficult with bare feet. the blanket was easier to track. window opens. a gush of air and the traffic below getting noticeably louder.
bucky doesn’t follow right away. he doesn’t look at the clock so he’s not sure how long it takes him to move. images from the nightmare plays over and over again until the details fade into nothing. then he’s left with nothing to hold on to.
it doesn’t occur to him until he’s in the living room that he should’ve grabbed a shirt to sit on the fire escape. but, he doesn’t go back because they’re high enough that his arm shouldn’t prove to be any issue. wasn’t like he was going to be cold. there had to be a lot of snow on the ground for it to get cold enough to bother him or his arm. “ you don’t have to sit out here to prove any weird points, “ he said from the window. both hands lean against the ledge but he’s not ready to step through yet. it took a minute but, eventually, he did. if only to make sure clarke stayed warm. “ why are we sitting on the fire escape and not on the couch? “













