Nyctophilia
Author’s Note: This is my first time posting on here so apologies if there are any formatting issues.
Depression trigger warning possibly.
Your forehead was cool against the glass of the window. You watched the rain trickle across the panes of glass. Knowing your own cheeks mirrored it perfectly, your mood a reflection of the weather outside. You always loved the quiet of the night hours, found comfort in the darkness, but on some nights the silence was suffocating. The thoughts attacking your brain refused to cease. Sometimes it was easier to just give in to them, instead of trying to fight back.
So there you sat, listening to the storm. Hugging your knees close to your chest, taking up as little space as possible even though no one else was around. You wanted to feel small.
Maybe if you were small enough, you’d disappear. Your body shook with silent tears. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath you try your best to calm yourself. Feeling the need to put on a brave face for the ghosts in the halls. After some time you opened them, catching a flash of blue in your peripheral.
Fuck
Too busy wallowing in self pity to register the pricing gaze that had been burning holes into the fibres of your being.
How long had he been there?
You heard him sigh as he made his way towards you. You couldn’t hear the rain pelting the windows anymore, only the deafening sound of his expensive Italian shoes hitting the wooden floor as he moved. You were frozen. Caught between the urge to run away and the crushing fear of being seen. Of being weak. Weak in front of him. The thoughts on your mind making the panic worse. He sat down on the opposite end of the window seat you had been occupying. He didn’t say anything immediately, giving you ample of time to flee if that’s what you truly desired.
You turned from him wiping the tears from your face with the sleeves of your hoodie. Praying that the lack of light meant he hadn’t seen anything.
“Why are you awake?” It was soft, gentle, unlike him to sound like this.
It was no secret that you and the elf hadn’t gotten off on the right foot. The situation you had found yourself in was a monumental cluster fuck to say the least. A wrong place wrong time situation, that could be traced back to magic. Because everything that went wrong could usually be traced back to magic. And you’ve handled it with about as much grace as a raccoon trapped inside of a trash bag. Hurling insults, sarcasm, or petty gabs at the elf whenever you could. He always remained unaffected, as if he had never heard them to begin with. Always calm and collected, emotionless. You hated it. You envied it. He wasn’t ruled by his emotions, not like you.
Taking a breath in hopes your voice would not betray your emotional state
“I could ask you the same thing.” You spoke quietly, not wanting to wake anyone else. Your gaze fixed on the water droplets rolling down the window.
“I suspect we are awake for the same reasons.”
You scoffed finding some amusement in what he had said.
“Your mind is refusing to let you rest.” The statement threw you. You stole a glance at him from the corner of your eye, not willing to face him completely. His gorget stole your focus as it reflected the small amount of light coming from the window. His tie had been loosened and he had forgone the jacket and vest he usually wore. Your eyes travelled up from his chest where they met a silver pair of eyes looking back at you. Your heart beat quickened, lungs constricted and you averted your gaze. Knowing every move you made was being studied.
“What’s on your mind, Blue?”
You saw the opportunity and you took it. Forcing the conversation to be about him was the safe choice. It helped shield you, distract you.
He sighed once more, seeing right through what you were trying to do. But complied anyways.
“Where do I begin?” You no longer felt his eyes on you.
“The Inferni responsible for this mess, I’ve never seen before. I have no idea who they are. I am responsible for the safety of everyone under this roof, especially yours.”
You were the only civilian trapped in this house. Two cops, two feds, and you. It had been forty eight hours with no leads and no way out. Everyone was feeling the stress.
“And you haven’t exactly made that easy.”
“It’s not like I’ve made it difficult.” You glared at him
“Enough.” He sounded more like himself now. The hard edge coming back to his voice.
He’s right
You were too exhausted to start a fight, let alone finish one. You wrapped your arms around your middle, comforting yourself. Head resting against the wall, gaze drifting back to the weather outside. You don’t know what exactly came over you, maybe it was the fragile state you were in.
“I’ve been rude to you.” You admitted softly “I’m sorry.” You had never spoken to him this way. The moment the apology left your lips you could feel his eyes on you and you hugged yourself a little tighter.
“How come the only time you can look at me is when you’re insulting me?” His tone was back to the softness of when he had first spoken. He had move for the first time since he sat down, positioning himself parallel to you. Welcoming in a way, which made you shrink and your gut knot. He was waiting patiently, giving you time. You swallowed the lump in your throat.
“You…scare me.”
“I-“ you didn’t let him finish. Fearful of losing your courage if he had spoken.
“It’s your eyes.”
“My eyes?” He said it more to himself than to you. His gorget reflected the lightning once more and you were instantly drawn to it.
“When you look at someone, you see right through them. As if every nerve is exposed, every neuron.” You were struggling slightly to keep your voice steady
“This frightens you?” He lowered his head in a failed attempt to met your eye.
“It terrifies me.” You stare just over his shoulder
“I have spent my whole life avoiding being seen by people. Because if anyone were to look close enough they’d see me.” Your voice began to break “See this weak, broken, pathetic, worthless little thing.” A tear rolled down your cheek and you hid your face from him. Angry with yourself for crying once again. Even angrier at your confession.
“I wish I never existed.” It was barely a whisper but those words deafened him. Your body shook violently with the emotions you were desperately trying to suppress. Fighting a losing battle with the tears.
“Fuck- I’m sorry.” You were shaking your head and wiping at your eyes. “ You didn’t sign up for this.”
“Neither did you.”
Those three words shattered every wall, every mask, every defence you had ever made to protect yourself. You felt seen. And when you finally looked at him, he swore his heart stopped. But it wasn’t long before the construction started. You felt exposed. You quickly looked down at your hands.
Had he always been this close?
You needed to create distance.
“You only care because it’s your job.” Your voice hoarse
His jaw clenched and he pulled you toward him by the back of your neck. Guiding your head to his shoulder, his other arm at your back holding you firmly against himself. He had practically pulled you into his lap. His touch shocked you. Overwhelmed by his words, his warmth, how gentle he was. There was no stopping this, something snapped inside of you. Your one arm wrapped around him, your other, hand gripping at the fabric of his dress shirt. You cried silently into the crook of his neck. You cried until your head hurt. He remained silent through it all, simply allowing you to feel what you needed too. His thumb slowly rubbing at the base of your skull and his other hand running up and down your spine. A simple message. I’m here.
When you had no more tears left to cry and had calmed slightly, his hold on you relaxed. Feeling embarrassed you started to pull away, he let you, but only slightly. The hand at your back now rested on your hip and the other now cupping your cheek. He wiped the tears from your eye. On instinct you went to turn you head but his hold was strong and he wouldn’t let you. He brought his forehead to rest against yours.
“Your mind is playing cruel tricks on you.” He spoke low and slowly. You could feel his breath on your face.
“You’re not pathetic. You’re not weak. And you are not worthless.” He pulled back to look at you better, you met his eyes once more. Something in those silver orbs said that thoughts akin to these were no strangers to him. He gave you one last look and nodded slightly. He started to move away and it crushed you a little. Before your mind could react your body did. You had grabbed his wrist. A silent request to stay.
“I’ll be back.” He brushed his fingers along your jaw as a small reassuring gesture. You watched him as he stood, adjusted his shirt, and walked away. You felt cold without him, suddenly made of ice. Part of you was scared you’d never feel warmth like that again. You had only been in his arms for a couple of minutes and you were already addicted to the feeling. How safe you felt. It was dumb, you could hear him in the kitchen, he was only a wall away.
You were pulled from your thoughts when he reappeared. Placing a glass of water on the table next to you.
“Drink.” He nodded towards the glass, hands in his pockets as he stared out the window. Not a hair out of place or a wrinkle in the fabric of his clothes. Poised and perfect as always. You took a sip of the cool water and put it down.
“All of it.”
He chucked softly as you rolled your eyes, but obeyed. The water eased the pain in your head slightly. You placed the empty glass back down on the table.
“Good.” He turned to you. “It is late, we both need to get some rest.” He held his hand out to you. Assuming it was nothing more than a kind gesture to help you up. You took it. Only he didn’t let go. Leading you past the couch you had crashed on last night, up the stairs, and to the room he had claimed for the time being. Only letting you go as he closed the door.
The low glow of the lamp on the side table was the only light source in the room. You noted the jacket and vest draped over the arm of the chair in the corner. The rain, although still there had quieted down. Your stomach began to knot and you wrapped your arms around yourself staring at the floor.
“Why bring me here?”
“To sleep.” He spoke softly as he placed his gorget on the bedside table. You watched his hand as it travelled to his neck, hooking a finger in the knot of his tie. Loosening it effortlessly, that too joined the piece of silver.
“No, this is your space. I’m fine on the couch.” Your eyes darted around the room. Solely being in the space he had claimed felt like an invasion. You weren’t about to steal his bed too.
“Look at me.” Again you obeyed him with out hesitation. You didn’t know if your pliable nature right now was due to the emotional outburst earlier, leaving you exhausted. Or the fear you didn’t yet know you had at the thought of losing the closeness between the two of you.
“If I did not want you here, you would not be here.” He nodded to the bed as he undid the first few buttons of his shirt. “Please.”
Your socked feet made little sound as you made your way across the wooden floor to the opposite side of the bed. You pulled the soft fabric of the blanket back and slid underneath the sheets. Mattress moulding to the curves of your body. He sighed, content with the fact that you were not fighting him. The mattress dipped with his weight as he sat, taking off his shoes. Turning off the light, he glanced at you before joining you underneath the covers. His eyes had a glow to them, like that of a predator stalking its pray in the night. He pulled you close, head resting upon his chest. As if on auto pilot he resumed the gentle rubbing up and down of your back. Your hand found its way back to his chest, loosely grabbing his shirt again. Clinging to him was your way of grounding yourself, that this was real and he was here. He placed a hand over top yours and held it gently.
You knew in the morning you would act as if nothing happened. As if he hadn’t seen you at your most vulnerable moments. As if you hadn’t sobbed and clung to him like he was your only life line. As if he had never held you close and told you it was alright to feel. No, you would treat him the same way you did when the sun was shining. But the sun wasn’t shining right now, so you would keep him close, let his warmth invaded every molecule, listen to his heart beat until it consumed you.
“Thank you, Kandomere.” You whispered. It was the first time you had used his name. His grip tightened around you and you swore his heart skipped a beat.