MUCK
college!mike wheeler x college!reader
part two to BACK IN TOWN
word count: 4.1k
warnings: emma rewrites the finale, mdni, too much angst honestly, broken relationship, mention of el, implied sex, chrissy lives
The dam she carefully crafted for a year had been broken and now Mike Wheeler was everywhere she turned. She saw him at Christmas mass. She saw him running errands downtown. She saw him at their younger siblings’ winter concert.
The shocking part was that she no longer seemed to care. Whenever he popped up, no longer did she force herself to breathe or keep her eyes off him. Her body had finally learned to work on its own. Yeah, he was there, but so was everyone else in the town.
Of course, there was still a gaping hole in her chest that was invisible to everyone except her, but at least she could be a public figure again. With each instance that she saw him, the unbearable pain faded to almost nothing. Like he was nothing.
He’d let her down in every conceivable way and proved himself to be someone she never really knew. The memories of him no longer felt like knives, but clouds, constantly passing by whether she noticed them or not.
Naturally some days required more work than others. She’d lay in bed at night and the clouds would hang low, showering her in pain. But the storm always passed. And she always survived.
As the days grew, so did her perspective.
He made the mess of them, but she was there too. She knew he acted strangely, she knew something wasn’t right. But she allowed it. Sometimes it was quiet and imperceptible, sometimes it was huge and overwhelming. But she always agreed.
She couldn’t place blame on him without recognizing her part in it.
In the moment, it felt worth it. What line wouldn’t you cross to keep such a spectacular, bizarre, rare bond safe. If she thought hard enough about it, she could still feel the pull. The way he looked at her would light up her whole chest. When they fell into a flow and laughed easily, she felt like she could lift a car. The terrifying contentment of lying against his warm body with his arms around her and thinking she could do it forever.
The power of their connection allowed her to sacrifice her self-worth. But by god, it felt incredible at the time.
Soon, winter break would be over and she would be back at school where she was mostly clear of his memory. There was life to live and she was ready to live it. Never again would she let a man turn her into a ghost haunting her own story.
She couldn’t even pretend to be shocked when Mike and his friends walked into the diner while she and Chrissy shared a milkshake. She knew now that the universe had a sense of humor.
Chrissy’s face told of his arrival long before she saw him herself. Mike Wheeler had been granted the exclusive opportunity to be on Chrissy Cunningham’s shit list. It was an expectedly short list of just three names, but Mike wasn’t #2 or #3. It was sort of extraordinary the way her sweet, docile face could twist into the most intimidating sneer when Chrissy laid eyes on him. He’d consider it an honor if it hadn’t made him a social leper and sent the only person he cared about even further away.
Mike had not reached the relative enlightenment she had. He was laying in the bed he made with his own poor communication. And he didn’t like it one bit.
He understood it, but that didn’t make the position any easier. It’d taken awhile for his own friends to hear him out and accept his truth.
Although he had practiced what he’d say to her so many times in the mirror, in their last true moments together he’d crumbled. He couldn’t tell her. How could he? She was asking for a future when he could barely make it day to day. How was that fair to put upon her?
By the time Mike realized he’d already being doing so, it was too late. She’d disappeared. Her mom was a formidable opponent he couldn’t seem to out move. There was no way she was always out or busy. They frequented the same spots—the library, Family Video, the park—it’s how they first got together. But she was gone.
Still, he remained steadfast at her altar. He looked for her everywhere. Going to parties he didn’t give a shit about. Casually inquiring about her to former schoolmates. Using his little sister to ask her little sister. ‘She’s still at school.’ ‘She’s spending time with her family.’ ‘She’s really busy with friends.’ All of his sources turned up zilch.
And then, as quickly as she’d vanished, she reappeared. At Patrick McKinney’s annual Christmas party of all places. Lucas had begged them to go, but he eagerly said yes, in case an occasion as such might materialize. And there she was.
He couldn’t help but study her. She looked beautiful. He’d never seen her in a dress like that black one. Her eyes looked tired but she glowed. She always did. She was dancing with Chrissy like nothing else existed. She had that effect. It eased the constant pressure on his brain. He’d become addicted to it.
Mike was trying to figure out how to approach her when another chance fell into his lap. Chrissy was following Jason away and she was alone. It was now or never, but there was really only one option.
Suddenly, the eyes he dreamed about were on him and they looked… terrified. God, he really had fucked it up hadn’t he.
He knew he shouldn’t follow her, but what else could he do. Now that she was back on the board he couldn’t let her slip through his fingers again. He had to talk to her. He had to tell her the truth. Even if she hated him, she had to know.
But the mistakes of the past were too big. They blocked any way through. There was no talking. There couldn’t be. He had pushed her too far thinking that it was the only way to have her close.
He watched her transform from a shivering princess in need to a phoenix itching to tear him apart. The toughest part was that he couldn’t blame her. She wasn’t making him the bad guy. He was the bad guy. A court jester stuffed into the armor of a knight.
The events snowballed, growing bigger and out of control. It somehow went from bad to worse. The masses encroached and any remaining hint of reality faded. Chrissy’s loyalty was disarming and threw him even further back. It might have been easier if she had hit him. At least he’d have a tangible reason to ache.
He felt like he was watching the encounter from outside his body.
“Fuck you.”
It was the period on the longest run-on sentence that was their relationship. They both knew it.
But she was everywhere. The strength of his grief seemed to summon her by sheer will. All the holes she’d left in his life felt even more pronounced by her dismissal of him. He desperately wanted to run to her and take her away somewhere that they could talk and get to know one another again. But that was certifiably insane. He was also a little scared that if he took a step towards her, Chrissy might pop out from behind a pillar or some shit.
If he was writing the story of them, he’d tell his character to chill the hell out, take a step back, and wait for his moment. He knew it would come, and this time he would be ready.
“You have to fix your face. It’s like when Heather ruined the pyramid at Regionals all over again.” She knew shouldn’t laugh but she couldn’t help it. There was just something about someone as angelic-looking as Chrissy trying to throw a dirty look. It was unnatural.
“First of all, I’ll fix my face when he stops stalking you,” Chrissy emphasized her words in Mike’s direction at the counter. “And second of all, she was a base! All she had to do was stand there and be stable! That’s it! We practiced five million times! What’s so hard about that?!”
She had friends at school who she loved and cared about, but man, she wished she could box her best friend up and take her back. Every time they got together it felt like no time had passed. Like the pains of life could be put on the back burner long enough to exhale. All that mattered was stuffing their faces and laughing until their stomachs hurt.
“Speaking of insane people…” Chrissy tucked her hair behind her ear and leaned forward. “Patrick asked Jason to ask me to ask you iffff you would wanna go on a double date!”
Her sip of the chocolate milkshake went down the wrong pipe and left her choking at the news. If her back wasn’t to the counter, she might have seen Mike start to jump up before the hands of Dustin and Lucas pushed him back down.
Her best friend reacted less heroically, gasping with laughter so hard she almost fell out of the booth. Both girls were tearing up, although for entirely different reasons.
She continued to cough repeatedly until she felt the ice cream melt. “You cannot be serious,” she choked out with her eyes bulging.
“As—a—heart—attack.” Chrissy put her hand up as if swearing. Although the effect was a bit ruined by the giggles still spilling out of her. “He said you guys had some deep conversation at the party before the craziness started up.”
Now it was her turn to shriek with laughter. There was no way! What planet do men live on that talking at a woman for five minutes while she has a panic attack counts as a “conversation.” Insanity! Clinical insanity! She couldn’t help but double over as she continued to laugh.
Chrissy struggled not to copy her friend. “No! Stop! He’s so cute and actually, really sweet when you get to know him. Easily the best out of Jay’s friends!” She couldn’t fight it anymore and started giggling again. “C’mon it could be good! Who knows? They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!”
The giggles quickly ended. In her whole come-to-Jesus process, she hadn’t even thought about dating again, never mind sex. How in the world was she supposed to start over? The only guy that had ever made her feel good, had almost sent her to the asylum. He also happened to be sitting ten feet away from her now. Something she could not think about.
Both women sobered up as Chrissy turned sincere, “I’m being serious.” She grabbed her friend’s hands. “You’re on the mend and you deserve to have fun. You need to have fun. Love can be so much more than secret hookups and tears. I know it.”
Chrissy seemed to be talking about much more than just Mike Wheeler. The best friends were almost crying again as they stared at each other. Both communicating different but similar messages with just their eyes.
The vulnerability in Chrissy’s eyes abruptly switched as they flicked towards the diner’s front door. A small smile entered her face when she looked back at her friend.
“And I know you’re going to overthink this into oblivion so I already took care of it for you.” Chrissy looked up over her shoulder and painted a big smile on, “Hi guys!”
Everything happened in slow motion. She wished she could go a week without her life resembling a horror movie. Behind her stood Jason and Patrick, both smiling triumphantly.
Dustin swore before he even knew the curse left his mouth, “Oh shit.” He tried to cover it up by shoving a handful of fries down. He bore holes into Lucas behind Mike’s back trying to get his attention. Nothing.
He tried staring and coughing. Nothing.
He tried staring and coughing and clearing his throat. Nothing.
“Dude, are you okay? You sound like you’re having an episode.” Lucas acknowledged the noise but failed to notice his friend’s eyes violently pointing to the booths.
Dustin tried whacking him. “What the hell?!” Lucas whacked him back.
“Guys, knock it off! You almost knocked my burger out of my hands.” Max looked up, glaring at them both until she followed Dustin’s unsubtle movements, all the way over to the booths where the four young adults looked like a Norman Rockwell painting. “Shit.”
Lucas instantly turned to Max, leaning in to apologize, just as Dustin gave one last big whack. Of course, he missed, hitting Mike instead. The hit joustled Mike enough to break the milkshake trance he’d been deep in since he heard her laughter floating across the diner.
It made him think of the first time he made her laugh at the library as Ms. Marissa shushed them which only made her laugh harder. It was the first time he’d smiled in over a year. The memory appeared rose gold, shining amongst his memories.
He dared to look over to where Dustin was obviously indicating and immediately wished he hadn’t. She was still in the booth, but now with a man’s arm around her that wasn’t his. Was she on a date?
“Hey, do you want to leave?” Dustin quietly asked as if Mike might shatter if he said it too loud. Lucas almost spit out his lunch. “What?! But we just got our food!” He immediately cried out as Max elbowed him in the ribs and whispered in his ear, pointing over to the booth. He sheepishly turned to Mike and patted his back, “Oh I’m sorry man.”
If Mike could hear any of them, it didn’t show. He was singularly focused on gawking at her. Patrick leaned into her, talking loudly with his hands. She hated that. But when he looked at her, she was smiling. He knew she’d smiled bigger at him, but still, it counted. How could she smile at him? Was he even allowed to care?
-
Jason and Patrick had been talking animately about basketball for ten minutes straight. Pat kept looking at her and pointing like she was a part of the conversation, but no one ever spoke to her or asked her anything. She wondered if this is what it was like for Chrissy. She tried to smile and act like she cared about the Pacers’ man-to-man defense, but her performance fell flat. Chrissy kept kicking her under the table every time she started to drift.
Suddenly, Chris slammed her hands down on the table and turned to Jason with a sickly sweet smile. “Hey Jay? I’d love some fries. You know I like to dip them into the milkshake as it melts.”
Jason clearly did not know. “… Oh yeah. Of course! I’ll be right back—“ She swiftly interrupted him, “I’ll come with you! Give the new love birds some time alone.” Chrissy glowered at her friend and raised her eyebrows, indicating towards Pat. And then it was just the two of them.
Almost as soon as the seat across from her was empty and she thought she might have to actually speak to Pat, it was taken again. But when she looked up it wasn’t her perky best friend, but Mike Wheeler.
The moment arrived and it was time to act.
They stared at each other for a minute. Both were equally shocked by what was happening.
“Hi,” he breathed.
She said nothing.
“Hey… Mike…” Pat awkwardly tried to join the interaction. His arm heavy around her shoulders. “What can we do for ya?”
Mike didn’t register that the other boy was even there. He was stuck on her and doing what he came over to do.
“I did have a girlfriend—“
She sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Please,” he begged. “I just need five minutes. Maybe seven. I promise… Mostly.” He gave her a small smile.
The hole in her chest ached. God, she loved him. But as soon as the thought rose up, she shoved it back down.
He started again. “I did have a girlfriend. We’d been together since we were young. And we were in love. But it was complicated. She had a difficult life and it sort of cursed our entire relationship. But she was incredible and I loved her. Honestly, I think she was a little bit of a god to me. I idolized her so much, I couldn’t truly see her. A year or so before graduation, we broke up. Well, she broke up with me. I don’t blame her or anything, it needed to happen but it fucking rocked me. I was a mess. I almost withdrew before college even started. I was barely a person. And it was like that for more than a year.”
“Over that first winter break my mom started sending me on bullshit errands just to get me out of the house. That’s when I saw you for the first time since you graduated. You waved and smiled like we knew each other—“
“We sat next to each other in AP Bio for two semesters, Mike.” She whispered, struggling to look anywhere but at him.
“Yeah, yeah I know, but still, I couldn’t believe you knew who I was,” he sighed. “I couldn’t believe I wasn’t transparent to someone as bright and shiny as you.”
“Then a couple days later, we ran into each other at the library. And suddenly, not only could you see me but you were talking to me, as if that was something we did. Joking about the romance novels I had to return for my mom. And you laughed. At something I said! It was nuts! For those few minutes I forgot how depressed I was. That’s the only reason I was brave enough to ask if you wanted to grab lunch. I still can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe you said yes! But you did, and it went great. You listened when I talked, but you didn’t let me take over. You were smart in an easy way, that doesn’t make everyone else feel small. You’re so great at that. I didn’t want to talk about my ex or any of that and ruin it, so I didn’t. When you kissed me, I thought I was going to implode. It felt supernatural, and trust me, I know the supernatural.”
He looked down and shook his head. “The point is, that I accidentally fell into liking you. Every time we said goodbye, I was convinced I’d never see you again. That you’d wake up and realize that what you were doing was insane. You deserved more than some geek with the emotional skills of a toddler. But you kept coming back and I couldn’t turn you away. How could I? You were the only thing keeping me sane. Keeping me from throwing the towel in. But it wasn’t fair to you. I know that.”
“I just didn’t know how to tell you that the reason we couldn’t go to the fair or hang out with my friends was because everyone knew I was still hung up on my ex. They’d tell you and you’d be gone. Our relationship couldn’t be more because I was barely holding on to what it was. At first, I couldn’t stop thinking, what if she came back and saw that I was happy without her? It’s dumb. Really dumb, but that’s how my brain worked. I always put her first, I never learned how to stop. I didn’t want to learn how to stop. If I did, that meant that she was gone for good and it was really over. But when you and I were together, the thoughts stopped. I could stop. You looked at me like I was real. Like I meant something. And I wanted that to be true so bad.”
He shook his hair into his face and tugged on it. “I’m taking too long, I know. But I’m sorry for how I left that day. I knew it wasn’t right but I couldn’t explain to you just how wrong it was. I didn’t want to get your hopes up, but I realized that I’d actually been doing that the whole time. Why wouldn’t you feel that way? We cared about each other. We really knew each other. We… loved each other.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes, but refused to fall.
“I did try to call and come by, to explain, but it never worked out. You were gone and you hated me. I had ruined another thing and let another incredible woman walk out of my life. It wasn’t any easier the second time. Really, it was worse because we didn’t have a grand adventure together. We had a million small moments. It made me realize that love doesn’t have to be loud and hard. It can be intimate and easy. It can be passing books back and forth, and laughing so hard at 2am that my dad almost breaks down the basement door. It can be telling your stories and showing your inner world. And the unbelievable, mind-melting sex is just the cherry on top.”
He heaved a sign that seemed to come from his bones. “So, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I ruined us. That I made you feel small or like you were nothing. Because it isn’t true. You are everything. You brought me out of that darkness and showed me that moving on was possible. That I could be someone again. And I’m— I’m not asking you to give me another chance. But I just needed you to know the truth and that… I love you. I think you’re maybe the most special person to ever exist and you don’t seem to even know it. You make everyone and everything better.”
And that was it. Definitely longer than he meant it to be, but once he started, he couldn’t seem to stop. He wanted her to know it all. To know him.
He stared at her and waited. One minute passed. Two. Maybe twenty, who knows. It could have been an hour.
Out of nowhere, someone finally spoke. “Heyyy so I think I should go…” The couple whipped their heads around to Patrick who was inexplicably still there. The basketball player had been slowly sliding out of the booth throughout Mike’s speech to the point he was basically holding himself up.
He turned to her. “But if you aren’t busy,” he made quick eye contact with Mike, “I’d still love to see you at the New Year’s party.” She just blinked at him, trying to remember why he was there to begin with.
“Right… Okay… I gotta go.” He rushed out the diner door with Jason chasing after him.
Then the two were sucked back into the reality of what was happening. A girl sitting in front of the boy who accidentally broke her heart and thinks he can explain it away.
She stared down into her milkshake, moving it around with her straw. The ice cream was curdling in her stomach. Her newfound peace had been beaten down by the surf of emotions Mike always brought out of her.
“I need some time, I think.” The words fought their way out. She wished it had come out more steady, more empowered. “I just— It’s too much Mike. It’s too many secrets. Too many lies. I feel like I never really knew you. I only knew this concocted version of you that you fed me—“
“That’s not true!” He cried out, perhaps a bit too loudly for the setting. He tried to reel himself back in. “I’m sorry, but that’s not true. Sometimes I think you’re the only person that really knows me. At least this new version of me that has gone through these things and found a way out.” His brown eyes almost sparkled as he uttered the last few words.
“Okay, but I can’t be your rebound or—“
He interrupted her again, “But you’re not!”
She held up her hand and found the courage she needed since he sat down. “Mike, please. I can’t be your rebound or your new savior. You have to figure yourself out on your own. You don’t get to decide for me anymore. I care for you so much, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with someone who’s only half in. I deserve more than that.”
Mike’s head hung for a second before he gathered himself. “I understand. I’ll go.” His eyes shined as he looked at her one last time before getting up. “But you have all of me. I think you probably always will.”
author's note: my god, that was a lot! still, i’d love to do a part three and wrap it up if anyone is interested. i am so so appreciative of all the notes and kind messages i received on part one. the process of writing again for people is so scary but the feedback makes it all worth it. so thank you, again. and i hope you enjoy 🫶🏻
