Traces of Memory

These are my memories; what's left of them, anyways.

[rascova]

[lost-in-the-reflection]

Lost in the Reflection: One in the Same

I couldn’t tell you how long it had been since I stopped to look through to the other side. What could be days, weeks or even years? I’ve continued to wander alone in my world of isolation. All I know is that after that day, the day that she left, nothing was ever the same. There was once a time where these vibrant hues; varying tones and shades amidst the melancholy shades, would give me hope. That was but a distant memory. A pang of sadness that would come to haunt me, that forever changed me. What was once hopeful now acts as a reminder. A reminder that no matter how I tried, there would always be a line I couldn’t cross. A reminder that I was sentenced to an eternity of solitude in this world of empty shades; an unfinished sketch that the artist had long abandoned. I was alone, I was incomplete. This was my life, one only shared by me.

Yet once again I was proven wrong.

I won’t forget that moment, the moment I saw myself. Nothing had changed. Nothing was different. I had done what I had always, and that wandered aimlessly in my own world. A world that I had, up to this point, believed was mine and mine alone. Painted so vividly in my memory; the image of a shorter stature woman standing across the street from I. One that held the same colorless shades as the rest of this world, the same shades that I had. A woman whose gaze met my own with matching melancholy; a woman who was as lost as I.

From only a gaze, we learned so much about each other. From the countless years that we had been here to the longing of escaping this prison that we had apparently shared. Our experiences had varied, our travels had taken us elsewhere. We also shared the same moments where we longed to be noticed by someone that was … Just out of reach, only to feel lost as a result. There was no doubting that we were identical, misplaced in this incomplete world. I only found one difference among us, and that was that we had seen what one another looked like. Despite the pain we had endured up to this moment; the moment our gazes had connected, we smiled. For the first time, the question I had longed to ask had finally been answered; one that was shared by her. “Can you see me?”

However, this changed very little in our existence. Us being united did not change the one constant we found in our world: it intended for us to suffer, and we longed to escape. From our shades alone, we both knew that we were not the answer for each other. She and I could not be our escape for each other. While it hurt, it was a fact that I could only except. We existed together, but not for each other. For if we settled now, this world of ours would claim victory over our lives. Perhaps that’s where another difference had lied between us; I had given up, and she had not. With our first encounter, we smiled, then she turned away. She knew she couldn’t stop now, not like how I had long ago. Maybe we were not alone, but there was still so much to do. I could only appreciate that there was another that knew what it was like. That there was someone I could relate to. That itself was almost enough to give me the will to continue on. Almost.

For what could have been an eternity, she and I would cross each other’s path time and time again. Each and every time, we would look upon each other from a distance across a street. Never once did we dare venture closer, knowing very well the constant of our world would punish us in some way. So, I could only admire her presence from afar as I’m certain she did with me. The distance was important and perhaps was what strengthened our bond. Every time our gazes met, our memories would intertwine. Truly, we were one and the same. Except, she had done so much more than I, and she had still not given up. Such vivid memories once again had almost given me the drive to continue on, but I still could not.

There came a day that I almost missed her; because she had changed. This woman had changed in a way that I couldn’t fathom, for she was glowing. My eyes widened in awe. I no longer saw the shades I had grown so used to, even if it was the faintest difference. What I saw across her skin was cream colored tones instead of white. The difference was so minor, so minuscule; but in a world of no color, it was a ray of light shining down upon her. She smiled even before our eyes met, something was surely different. Soon, like always, our memories intertwined and I saw it clear as day: she had reached someone on the other side. Like I had tried once, her and another had reached one another with the touch of a hand through the glass. As fate would have it; where I went unnoticed, she was seen. It was impossible to deny the intense jealousy and pain I felt, knowing that what I had once tried worked for another but not I. As much as I hated it, I also couldn’t deny one thing. I was truly happy for her. 

Even if it meant that … We were no longer the same.

From that moment on, each and every time our paths crossed, her presence held more hues and differing shades. In due time, she became the very image of what I had despised; the colors from the other world that had forsaken me. Yet, to my disdain, I could not hate her presence. As much as it pained me every time I laid my eyes upon her I would smile and cheer her on, even when I couldn’t hold back my own tears. I always felt she was close to leaving our prison, and leaving me. Even if it was what we both longed for, I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone again. I was so lonely. I was greedy, but my happiness didn’t matter. I cared more about her than I did myself. This last time, she didn’t leave. Instead, this woman, who I believed to be myself, crossed the boundary that we had set for ourselves. This insane woman had crossed the road that always divided us and wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. It was something I had never felt, only watched from the reflection. I felt .. warmth. Warmth.. Much like that day I reached out to the woman at the fountain; the contact of another. A presence that showed I was not alone.

I hadn’t noticed it, but her embrace was one so warm that her colors that smeared upon my own canvas; as if it was wet paint. Satisfied with her work, I assume, she’d smile up at me and point forward. Things were changing, and I could feel a sense of grimace lurking beyond the horizon. For this single moment though, I’d allow myself to enjoy my existence in our world with the one person who understood me.

That same evening, the light of the setting sun was shrouded by a sea of black. A blanket that turned the sky into an abyss. From under a tree, she and I watched as a storm unlike any other we’ve seen brewed. One that drained the darkness from the sky. The droplets of rain were colored as if they were small mirrors for the world around us. The shadows of the day would no longer stay, as tepid colors illuminated the world around us; coloring our canvas in ways that we, or at least I, would have never imagined. I relaxed against the tree, content to be sharing with what could have been the most fascinating moment in my existence with another. With my left hand resting on her right, I felt a warm droplet land on the back of my palm; one that illuminated my own skin. I saw tears stream down her cheek; she was crying, and her color had faded.

I’m sure she could feel my gaze as she looked over at me. The expression she held was a mix of happiness, dismay, and the same longing that we had shared since the moment we met. Such discouragement had caused her own colors to dim. Our memories intertwined, I knew exactly what pained her. It was time for her to leave. The vivid image of her rising to her feet was still burned in my mind. Slowly, her hand slipped from mine. Intertwined fingers slipping apart, her hand dropping from mine. Yet I couldn’t help but reach out to her. I remember a solemn smile upon her lips as one final tear landed on my hand. One that burned my very soul. For the first time since we met, she mouthed something to me before turning away and stepping from the cover of the tree. 

The moment she was enveloped in the shower of droplets. Her once dulled canvas would flood with the same vivid colors she had lost with me. With arms spread wide, she would twirl as she took every splash of color. Colors of which began to eat her away. I could barely fight back the tears as I watched her image was washed away, a painting stripped right off the canvas. The very last thing to get washed away was her face, which had turned to be with the same solemn smile. I could no longer contain myself at such a sight; once the first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unending stream that burned the very cheeks the traveled upon. I was happy for her, but that didn’t change the soul-wrenching pain that watching her leave left me. All I had were these tears that burned my cheeks, and the final words she spoke to me.

“I’ll see you on the other side, right?”

I returned to my routine after that; wandering this world that I called my own endlessly. After all, now it truly was my own, as the one I shared it with had left on her own accord. Time had been lost once again, all the memories I once shared were blending together in a medley of loneliness and sorrow. After all, I was destined to walk this path alone, it appeared. Since that day, I had awaited another rain storm that would wash me away, like it had done to her. Yet none pulled through, it was all the same as before. Where did it even take her? Did she go to the world we longed for? Was she washed away to correct the canvas? Had she been erased, washed away as punishment for defying our world? Or was it something else? The possibilities were endless, and the lingering thought of what happened would continue to haunt me.

Until the day the sunset was enveloped by an abyss of darkness, not that I had paid attention anymore. For me, the night just seemed to approach much faster than normal. Instead, my eyes merely scanned the pathway I walked along. There was no other reason to look elsewhere. There was no threat here, no purpose. Just to wander. Yet … For some reason, an oddity of color caught the corner of my eye. I had long ignored the presence of these windows to the other world, but something had drawn my attention to this one specifically. The windows of a long-aged, rustic car. I couldn’t believe the spectacle before my eyes. It was her, in full color unveiling an umbrella to protect herself from the raindrops. I tried to get her attention, I had to get her attention. I began pounding against the window, shouting words that couldn’t be heard. Though she paused for a moment as if she noticed something, then she shrugged and turned away. No, I couldn’t let her go! Not yet. I had to know what happened, how she got there. 

So I followed her. I chased her through the reflections that lined the streets we both traversed as the rain showers began to pour on the both of us. I didn’t care. I never had to, why would I now? I should have, though, as these were no ordinary droplets of rain, for they held the same colors that they did on that day. Iridescent droplets that splashed with illustrious colors to light the world around me. I was too distracted. Distraught with a clouded mind of getting answers;, of seeing my old friend. I followed her in pursuit for several blocks, catching up countless times and slamming against the glass. I wanted to see if she knew I was here, I wanted to see if she knew who I was still. I was none the wiser to the world around me filling with color, and figures I had never seen appearing around me. Even my own colors returning to me at long last. I was blind to it all in my desperation. It wasn’t until she crossed a street that I was truly aware of what was going on. I stumbled into something, someone. That’s when the reality of it all hit me: I was in their world, just as she was.

It was a phenomenon that couldn’t be questioned. One that I was astonished for I could witness it not just once, but twice. Both times, it had involved the reflection of myself. There she was, before me once again, across the street like she had always been. This time though, we were in the world we had both longed an eternity for. Now, for this moment, we could finally be united in this world away from ours. I was filled with overwhelming emotions that I couldn’t fully comprehend. Excitement, nervousness, happiness, longing. I had reached out and opened my mouth to shout something towards her. Yet, with all of these things pushing forward to call out for her, I stood silently on the street curb. Drenched, my excitement began to calm and diminish as I saw a stranger approach her, a man. For that moment, she turned and I could see her face, her expression. She was smiling, she was happy. Such an expression that, even in her brightest memories, I had never seen. She was happy where she was now, in this world, even without me. That’s when it hit me. Where I had valued her above all others, I did so out of selfishness for my own reflection. I had to stop being greedy, it wasn’t just about me anymore. It never was.

That’s where my hesitance took hold, I no longer reached out for her. She was happy. She didn’t need me anymore, and … As much as it hurt, I had to respect that. I didn’t want to drag her away from the happiness that she worked so hard to achieve. I couldn’t. After all, I of all people didn’t want to drag her down. I knew exactly what it took to get here. I didn’t want to take that away from her. I wasn’t even sure if it hurt anymore, or if I had just become numb to it all. I had stepped away from the curb, to watch from afar like I always had. I smiled just as she had always done to me, but who was I kidding? It hurt, a lot. I thought the rain would mask my tears, but they burned just as they did the day she left. As well, instead of bringing forth colors, my tears instead began to drain away my new found colors. I found myself worried about the rain washing us away when it was my own tears that would wash me from the world I thrived for. I could see it fading, a world of color all around me, and my friend I longed to be with again. I’d continue to smile towards her, I was genuinely happy for her. For only a moment, our gazes connected just as they had in our final moment. I couldn’t keep myself from saying what I wanted to since that day.

“I’m so lonely without you, but… Please, just be happy. For both of us.”

As quickly as they came, the colors were washed away from my canvas.

I saw her since that day. Multiple times, in fact. Though none of which compared to the first time I saw her since we parted ways. I’m not sure what got me to look her way since I had long given up on viewing the other world. Yet, something compelled me to look through the window of a broken down and brittle clothing store. That’s where I saw her; a reflection of my own self. Colors so clear; she walked with another, the same one that I saw from her memories. She had dyed her hair since she left; rather than brown, it was sterling silver with faint remnants of purple. Eyes lined with azure, and clothes adorned with illustrious tones that shone so bright. Coming from a world without color, she now thrived in it. I use to find myself pressed against the glass, merely longing to meet the gaze of the one person who understood me once more. Now, I only watch from afar. It had been so long since that day; the day I accepted she was gone. So now, I could only appreciate the brief moments I saw her happiness. It was special. For her happiness was my own.

She came to a halt, looking back and forth before mouthing something to the man she was with. I couldn’t read it, she was turned just out of sight. Then the unthinkable. The one I admired, the one that truly understood me, met my gaze and smiled once again. I could feel her looking at me, she knew I was here. That smile, the one that caused it all; it never changed. It felt just like that day. The day our dull hues met from across the street. Two lost souls as stray brushstrokes lost against a blank canvas. That smile told me that maybe, just maybe, I would find my way out of here; and when I did, she’d be waiting.

[forgetfulraven]

Dated, revised, an important segway towards part three.

[lost-in-the-reflection]

Lost in the Reflection

Every day I walk; in this empty world around me, where life is gone. I’ve always been alone, for as long as I can remember. I walk the empty streets, cluttered with stray cars, old light up signs that no longer work. Everything just aging as time goes by. The weather changes, but this world is one of black and white. When the sun beats down, and the sky is clear it’s only shades of white and gray. When storms are near, and rain falls; it becomes a dark abyss over the land. How did it end up like this? How did I even end up here? In this empty, colorless world. All alone. I ask myself all the time but never have found an answer. 

I’m the only person in this world, at least this part of it. I know there is life somewhere but on an entirely different plane of existence. I know this because I never see my own reflection, but that of others. When I look at the glass windows as I walk down the street, or at the puddle a rainy day left behind. I see something besides myself and this colorless world. I see vibrant hues of color and other people like me living their lives; with what seems to be an infinite number of people. I don’t know how many there are in this place, but it has to be impossible for someone to be as alone as I.

I can never hear them speak, I can only see them move in their world of color. The expressions on their face show the emotion they feel. Sometimes I can read their lips, and feel as if I’m part of the conversations. Though.. While I can see their world of color, in my own bleak world, they cannot see me. I go unnoticed. Nobody knows that I’ve lived here alone, while they live their lives however they choose. Or maybe how others choose, but that’s better than nothing. That’s better than what I have, right? There are times I feel like people notice me; they pause and stare back at me. Could they actually see me? Could that hint of curiosity in their eyes show I’m not invisible to the world entirely? Could I actually have a chance to end this lonely life? Sadly, I would have to say no. That is because no one ever stays. Perhaps they realize I don’t exist to them, or maybe they never saw me. Maybe they saw something else in my place. I don’t exist. I’m lost to their world. Chosen to forever walk this place alone. At one point in time, I truly believed someone knew I was here. I can’t recall how long ago it was, or how long it went on. One day, passing through a colorless park, I noticed faint lights and colors coming from a fountain in the center. Just like the windows and the puddles, I could see into this other world. This world where people can live with one another, not alone. My curiosity was perked as I approached the fountain. Slowly, I leaned over to peer into the other world; their world. I believe the sight I saw was what others called “beautiful”. Light pink petals falling from trees, dancing in the air with the blue sky. People enjoying themselves, of all ages just living the day carefree. Children playing in the park with their parents, having picnics. All sorts of wonderful things. As I gazed into this world, I saw a little girl. I can’t say how old, she was small and.. Cute, I think that’s what it’s called. She stared back at me; she stared so closely as if she was trying to take in every detail of something she saw. She tilted her head, her lips said a single word. Hello? I know it was a question because of her expression, she was unsure, but I was here. I tried to answer back, but she couldn’t hear me. Soon after, her parents came and got her, and she left. I don’t know how old I am, I don’t know how long I’ve been here. I don’t even know what I look like. I believe I’m fairly young, because of my body, but I will never be sure. I’ve never had to wash. I’ve never had to shower. I’ve never even had to eat, or have been able to. Maybe I don’t exist.. Maybe I’m just trapped in a dream. Or maybe I’m just .. Someone else’s dream. She came back.. More than once. I can’t say it was every day, I don’t even know what that is. The concept of time seemed lost to this world. I can’t say it was every week, how can I if I don’t know days? What matters though is that she came back; many times, in fact. Each time was different. Sometimes she’d looked a little bigger, a little older. Others she would regress, be smaller and younger. She would always sit at the fountain, her head hanging over the edge and ask like she said the very first time. Hello? With a curious expression. It never changed. She thought someone might have been there, but could never get an answer. I could never reach her, I wonder why. Maybe it’s that I don’t have a voice? I’m all by myself here, so maybe everything I say is just a thought. Maybe that’s why I’m always unnoticed because I cannot speak. Still.. She came so often and did the same thing. She would wait for a reply, or a sign until she had to go. It was always until she had to go. As time went on, more moments came where was older. She became a beautiful young woman. Her hair grew past her shoulders, down her back. A dark blonde color, beautiful all the same. Her skin wasn’t perfect, but there was nothing wrong with a few blemishes or freckles. Her eyes a soft blue, and her smile so sweet. For a period of time she had both glasses and braces, it looked kind of funny, but I always saw her the same way. The biggest change was the skip when she reached adulthood. Her eyes had gotten better, and her teeth were eventually what some might call perfect. She was a beautiful woman after all this time. During this later period, I think I actually connected with her. I had an idea that I never tried, try to touch the reflection. Maybe.. Maybe I could enter that other world somehow. Maybe I could meet her. As I reached for the water, she reached her hand out too. Did she know I was here? Did she know I wanted to reach her? When our hands connected with the surface, I actually felt something.. I felt a soft warmth, besides the cooling liquid much like rain. Did.. Did I really make contact with her? Did she finally know I was really here? Things.. Would never get so fortunate. Maybe she didn’t feel what I felt, or maybe she did and couldn’t understand it. She pulled her hand back, a bit confused before shaking her head then left again that day. The next few times she arrived, I grew worried. Her age had become constant, no longer touching back to her younger self. Her expression was different, it looked both happy and sad. Then came a day I would never forget. 

One day, she arrived with another guy; they held each other’s hands as she sat at the edge like she always did. After all this time, I could finally understand their conversations. I could read their lips, at least.. Part of it. How? I honestly couldn’t tell you, I just.. Know these words, as if I was once apart of this world. 

“Ever since I was little, I would always come visit this spot. I’ve… Always felt like there was something that I couldn’t.. quite reach..” I remember her words were followed by a faint laughter, one that deterred her from sharing. “Maybe there is something here, but you can’t stay here forever with this.. something bit. We’re still moving, right? For your college, and my job?” The light-hearted expression dropped, I could tell he was growing concerned about something. “Y-yeah.. of course.. I do. I just.. It’s hard to let go of something I’ve done for so long.. I just.. Kind of feel like something needs me here; I know, it sounds crazy but..” I could feel it, the sorrow that drowned her expression. Was that sadness caused by me?

“Well, you can always come to visit, right? Your parents will be here too, and family. When you come to visit them, you could stop here?” He had realized the significance of this place to her and stirred a bit of hope.

“Yeah.. Yeah.. You’re right. I can always come back. Thanks, sweetheart.“ She said with a bit of a smile, as they leaned towards each other, lightly pressing their lips together. 

I don’t know what happened then.. Something swelled up inside me, something I didn’t like. It hurt.. It hurt to watch them connect, and see what they were saying. And.. That she didn’t say hello. She left with him, without saying hello.

I never saw her again. I waited, I waited for each time the sky in the other world would turn dark with faint specks of light in the sky, to the light blue color. Through the storms and snow, I waited. I wanted to see her again, but she never came back. It hurt too much to sit there after so long. I never felt such a pain before, and it was eating me away. I watched her grow up, I was there every time she came. Even though we never met.. I connected with her, and she left. I couldn’t stay any longer. After sitting there for.. What could have been an eternity. She never came, so I finally left. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know how long I’ve been here. After all of this, the only thing I’ve learned is that my first thought about this place was law. I was alone in this world.. I always would be.

[forgetfulraven]

Dated, in need of revision, but still important.

[limitlessplaylist]

Visit Original Link

In my sick way I want to thank you  For holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself You were trying to stop the fight

[sulfur]

[moominmaladaptation]

This is the Greed of wealth reblog for prosperity in 2019

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[forgetfulraven]

mood

[somecutething]

Coyote is surprised by the temperature of the frozen water 😂😂

[durendoll]

[kotbliny]

[eroscestlavie]

Update I just got an opportunity to make exactly $115 and i’m not kidding so like. Reblog to make $115.

[forgetfulraven]

I miss my friend.

[boxodice]

Part two of the angry yuan-ti prince!

[leohearts]

You are making my heart feel things it’s never felt before.

(via leohearts)

[forgetfulraven]

Maybe you shouldn’t read this, and I shouldn’t have wrote it.

After thinking long and hard, some things are better left unsaid.

If you got to see this before, then that’s fine and dandy, but I don’t want my words to cause such an influence for you.

I do care about you, and you’ll always have a friend no matter what happens.

Thank you for being my friend, even if it was for only the briefest of moments.

It’ll be something that I always cherish.

- Maya

[forgetfulraven]

“I need to get something off my mind.”

Too bad I was blind until we reached the end, because... I did too.

The same as you.

[forgetfulraven]

Things.. Have a funny way of working out.

Hold strong, friend. 

I wanted to respond, but we know its for the best if I don’t.

Even in silence, I do believe in you.

You’ll find a way to make things work. Whether with the cards you have, or a new hand.

Maybe it’ll all come full circle, eventually.

Just try, and if it doesn’t work, at least you gave it your best effort.

[vincent-van-gtg]

[fitnessdesire]

Can’t risk it

[laderdesders1]

The duck of creativity. I waited so long for it.

[bitchycode]

I got you a box

[forgetfulraven]

I actually did this for someone's birthday and she hung it on the fridge and kept the box.