Apologies
I dont know how else to do this. Daddy tried, god knows I did. Its hell knowing i couldnt give you what i wanted you to have. I cant control other people, and nor should I. Your mother claims I ruined her pregnancy and that I was not there for her at all. I was scared, scared out of my mind. I didnt know what to do. We werent ready, and she still isnt ready to be a parent. I did my best to soldier on through it all. I loved her more than life itself and would have done anything to protect her. I couldnt wrap my head around the thought of being responsible for another human being. My fear consumed me. I feared i would be just like my birth mother or worse, so i retreated into my head. I did what i knew how to do best, and that was to work. We both had dead end jobs that paid us extremely poorly, but i kept at it. I couldnt let us down, i couldnt let you down. Despite my fear, i had to protect and provide for you as well. Now four years later, you are all that keeps me going most days. I cant help but wonder if its you protecting me from myself. I live for saturday night when i get you and we are able to sit and play dinosaurs and watch Wild Kratts. Inversely, i dread dropping you off Wednesday morning and knowing that ill sit idly waiting while i miss half your life. I love you more than anything else in this world and I wanted you to have both your parents under one roof raising you and loving you as parents should. I feel as though I’ve let you down before you’re even able to realize it. I threw myself on every relationship grenade to make it work. There was no communication. I am not without fault. I never knew when to back down. I also never knew when to just let things iron themselves out, but how could i when i couldnt pry her away from her phone. She was far more interested in her friends and coworkers than being a parent or spouse. I even find myself stuck having to take accyclovir for the rest of my life because of her. I didnt mind....at the time. Now i find myself sitting at home scared to attempt to find a motherly figure for you. I find myself unsure of my every step. I just had to vent. Im sorry buddy.
Love, daddyÂ