There is no shortage of social media posts documenting the weight loss, get fit and healthy journeys that many have undertaken. I, myself, have posted small achievements along my way. Let me first applaud those who have reached their goals and encourage those still working towards theirs. Everyone deserves to feel proud of the hard work, sacrifice and life altering that is needed. This is not my take on my pride, this is a take on my struggle to accept unexpected results. We have all seen the men and women who lose massive weight numbers and gain incredible toned, sculpted bodies they can confidently walk in. I again am extremely happy for them but, what about some of us who have a different result? Yes we had the huge number drops on the scales and in our clothing sizes, except sometimes depending on the person and what their weight gain, body type and timeline of weight loss was; they don’t end up with fully toned, sculpted forms in the same manner.
184lbs at my engagement.Near my heaviest of 240lbs
I personally experienced the latter, let me give some light to my history. I had been a very skinny child until I turned ten. Then I carried a heavier set straight through the rest of my life. At the age of twenty-one I weighed 184lbs when I was married and immediately got pregnant with my daughter. At the end of the pregnancy I was tipping the scales at 215lbs, not a proud moment. With such a short torso (as I am only 5'3" tall) I only have a few inches between my hip bones and bottom of my ribs resulting in all of my belly weight in the pregnancy to be carried in front. Far in front. I gained 21lbs in nine months even with incredible sickness the whole time preventing me from eating much let alone in excess. After the birth I couldn't breastfeed as I didn't produce enough milk. So I didn't have the benefit towards weight loss as I did with my second pregnancy with my son three years later. At the start of that second pregnancy I weighed 211lbs and, to be frank, I am not sure of my weight at the end as I was too ashamed to hear the number. With four months of breastfeeding I dropped to 184lbs but I still remained very full shaped. Within the next two years, a divorce and lots of low emotional moments and self image struggles I ballooned up to 240lbs or more. Again I feared the scale like the plague. It took one comment from my innocent and honest four year old daughter saying “Mummy you are fat and I am not, right?” to have me look at my size 22 paints, 40DD bras (and that was forcing them in to avoid more expensive bras) I felt depressed, ashamed, ugly and like a bad mother. I was cutting my life short with bad habits, laziness and sadness. This wasn't at all fair to my kids or myself. Never really an over-eater or fast food junkie, my issue was lack of physical activity. Any person with large excess weight can attest that starting to work out is not as simple as it sounds — yet it is. I started working out at night after my evening shifts and the kids were sleeping. With the support of another single mum friend, I would use dvds and dance games until I felt that I wouldn't be laughed at in a gym.
Fast forward two years and I had reached 150lbs still having a large chest and doughy shape. My doctor gave me a referral for breast reduction surgery, unfortunately due to a mix up in the communication between offices, my appointment failed to be booked until three months later. The month before the consult I suddenly lost all mass in my chest. It shocked me to no end. You’d assume I would be elated to have avoided surgery but you would be very wrong. It brought about a whole new issue, one of the major issues that prompted me to write out my story two years after this consult. I am now just turned thirty and am balancing around 120-125lbs, on average, wearing a size 4-6 pant and a 32BorC bra. Again many may not see the problem. I do, everyday. Granted it may seem frivolous to some, but to the woman living with the body they worked so hard to get in a healthy state, it isn't at all frivolous. My numbers may sound ideal, but my body is not. I have excess skin, sagging and deflated breasts and still pudgy in areas. I wasn't ever illogical in my weight loss journey, I knew I wouldn't be some Victoria Secret model and strutting down a beach in teeny tiny string bikini. I just never expected to be so deflated in the chest or as emotionally affected by it. Of course I am proud of my achievements, I have days where I feel amazing and strong, but sometimes I struggle with the body I have left from that achievement. I won’t lie and say I have said “Maybe I should just get fat again. Then I’d get some womanly aspects back.” I never indulge into this exasperated thought but they have crossed my mind.
I feel at times I am far more self conscious now then when I was fat. At least when I was fat I knew it, knew what people most often were thinking about me when by chance they ever paid attention to me. I don’t know that anymore. Am I the fat person who lost a ton of weight, or the skinny person who looks like she’s gaining? A pound or two on the scale never bothered me, granted I never stepped on the scale then. Now a simple pound can drive me up the wall. Sometimes I miss the ease and invisibility of 240lbs. I decided when I was writing this that I would be very candid and brave, share exactly how my skin and breasts sag. It isn't to cause a hysteric response, but to be honest and truthful to those who read this and myself.
Side view of my now deflated breast.My stomach during a plank.
Now take into account the fact that it isn't just the person losing the weight who sees their body. If someone is married or in a relationship their significant other will see them in a very intimate and vulnerable way. I can imagine the thought of “Looks don’t matter if you love someone.” It’s an enduring sentiment and does hold to some amount of truth, but the fact of the matter is we all want to feel attractive to our lovers. A struggle for someone getting accustomed to a new body they worked hard for, but harder still for someone who didn't get that perfect result they wanted. I had a hard time being open when larger during my marriage, even with my husband never once ever saying he didn't find me attractive. He loved me, it didn't make being intimate while hating my body any easier. Now, as a single mum, I find even the idea of possibly letting a man be so intimate with me almost panic inducing at times. That may sound extreme but it is honest. I may not be grossly overweight anymore, but I have loose skin on my stomach that hangs when I lean over. Even if you tighten your abs, that doesn’t stop your skin from sagging. (I still get self-conscious doing planks) My deflated breasts chip away at my identity. Another extreme I am sure to many. Consider the fact that I started developing my chest at the age of nine and being known as “Big Boobs” most of my life, I struggle immensely with this huge change. As my own strong identifying marker for most my life as well as a high mark as a woman, I find it hard to feel beautiful, attractive, confident or sexy even at my optimal weight. I am currently weighing my options towards a cosmetic solution, but with a $12,000.00 price tag. It is a very far off dream for a single mum. My kids always come first.
First ever bikini…still scared to leave the house with it.Moments of triumph.
I am not looking for sympathy, I wanted to put my insecurity out there. Not everyone gets that picture perfect result, and others may have had the same experience as me. I’ve cried trying on those bikinis, bras or shorts and not seeing the amazing body I’d hoped I’d see at the end of such hard work. Weight loss is more than a physical battle, it is emotional and psychological. Find your peace with the results you have, accept it as it is or if you enhance it cosmetically own it. No one else knows how to make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. I still search daily to feel both.Â
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