⋆. ୨୧˚⋆ i'm entering my third year of highschool. and i'm really dreading it. my first and second year have been exponentially worse than the other. the stress as made me literally lose hair due to my pmos flaring up.
i feel more depressed than usual, and doing these extra credit summer school courses remind me of how close i am to hell. i was bullied all through my school career, both elementary and high school, one of these people being my ex-best friend and boyfriend.
i try to talk about it with my friends but they always disregard me. i haven't felt any typical sadness in a while. i only cry when i get drunk, normally i am against drinking, but i got drunk a few weeks ago and now i keep getting the feeling of wanting to go back.
for the first time in a long time, i cried, and i said what i truly felt. my friends ended up calling the paramedics for me and it was so embarrassing.
i never feel like i fit in anywhere, and i tend to eat lunch alone because of my ex hanging out and practically stealing my friends, and then bullying me out of every conversation.
i've wanted to be those people that even if they're suffering, they had 'their person' but i'm nobody's person, and they make it painstakingly obvious.
people just don't get along with me. i believe i'm awfully kind, i try to be pretty and maintain hygiene in public, and i get good grades? but it's always another before me.
i really don't have anyone but my music, my chemical romance and my dreams, but i don't even know if it's worth it working towards it anymore.
i just wish i could run away into a small town and never fall in love. part of me so badly wants to be aromantic and celibate so i'd never feel like im searching for love again.
i think just staying in my room all summer isn't making it better, but at least i'm productive? i lost all confidence to go to the gym now, my anxiety around people makes me feel i'm going to implode.
but, my ex is in his last year of highschool, and a few of my bullies that were seniors graduated so i hope to see less of them. but i might just become an outcast. one of my friends - i left her school because i was being bullied severely and attempted suicide like twice.
but, it's not any better here, i've attempted once last may. my only wish was to 'hold on until may'. i always find myself attempting in may. its my favourite month. i digress, all of my attempts have obviously failed horribly and i feel so much worse than i ever have.
at home i still have no support either, so i really just feel like a tall child with a job.
anyways, i don't think anyone would be reading this anyway but i really want some ideas on how to avoid getting bullied, because being myself and trying to just blend in doesn't work.
but i just hope maybe this year will be my year.
