Feeling like 13 again
Hii sweeties, how are you doing?
It's been a while, right? Lol. I'm sorry for my sudden disappearance; I'm not really doing well these days, you know? Iβve been going through a depressive episode and it's hard, but thatβs another topic...
Soo, lately a situation happened that made me sad, and today I'm feeling like I'm 13 years old again.
You all might not know, but I'm a nerd girl ( yeaaah :p ) and recently I started playing RPG ( like D&D, you know? ) I already knew about that world, but my boyfriend opened the door for me, so weβre always talking about it. Recently, he discovered a new system and heβs really enjoying it! He wants to start a campaign and he is very excited!
So you might be asking me: "Why are you feeling like 13 again and upset about it?"
The answer is: I'm not upset with the campaign; actually, Iβm going to participate!
But before starting a campaign, the Master does a "Session Zero." In that session, the Master and some players (chosen by the Master) define how the RPG will work. My boyfriend is the one doing it, but he didn't choose me to participate ://
His intention was good. He told me it was because he wanted me to join when everything was already set up, and I don't blame him for it.
But I don't have a lot of friends, and his friends are not my friends. They like me, but they are my friends because I date him, and thatβs normal, but I really wanted to participate in the creation process. I wanted to have some time with them because they are cool and itβs fun to hang out. For me, it isn't just "time to create something," itβs time with friends, and I miss that.
My best friend has been busy with work and college. We talk every day, but itβs hard to see each other, you know? So the time I spend with "friends" is usually with his friends.
When he didnβt include me in the "Session Zero," I felt like I was being excluded.
Since I was a child, people have excluded me, so my brain just goes there automatically. I talked to him about it and he explained that itβs not because he doesn't want me there, but because he wanted me to come in when it was complete. He didnβt know it was so important to me (don't hate him, I never talked about it before and his intention was good; he even apologized for not thinking about it).
Well, today was the day of the "Session Zero" and he did it. But I feel so sad because I wanted to be there :( He asked me to participate after our conversation, but I said no because, for me, it makes no sense to join after I practically had to ask for it. You girls understand me?
I feel so sad because it seems like it wouldβve been so nice. The idea of being excluded again hit my brain so hard. I really wanted him to want me there, in the process. Even if his intentions were good, I wanted to be included in that from the start. I wanted to spend my afternoon on a call, laughing and giving ideas. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to have some friends too.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to him right now, I don't want to know about that damn RPG, and I don't even want to play anymore. I feel like an intruder. He said his friends want me to play and that they are excited for my participation, but it sounds like a big lie. It feels like I'm not one of them. I'm not one of them.
That makes me miss a friend I had in high school, but we stopped talking last year. One of my friends said he misses me too and misses our friendship, but I can't go back to talking with him because it would make my boyfriend feel bad. And he isn't more important than my boyfriend.
After all, he chose to believe in a lot of lies and laughed at me. He changed. But he knew me so well, so well, that he could recognize me in the middle of a crowd even when I was wearing a cosplay and a long blonde wig.
It was that type of friendship where we just knew each other. We knew when the other was upset without saying a word, and we supported each other without a conversation. We didn't need that; just the fact that we were there for each other made us feel better.
After all that, I miss him.
Well sweeties, have you ever felt that way too? Tell me your opinions and your experiences.
Xoxo, your sweetie girl.
