Neman, 32, accountant, straight cis male, likes wine, lunches with his coworkers, juice boxes, jazz, and sweaters. Best friends with a snail named Snail Bob. Wears really thick glasses.
I’m having the worst flare up ever I worked 8 hours yesterday (im part time so i normally get shorter shifts through the week). I got hiccups 5 separate times during my shift lasting at least ten minutes each and got so dizzy they had to briefly give me a second break 😭. I got home and fell asleep in my work clothes and slept for 14 hours straight. Thank god I have today and tomorrow off 🙏🏻
As Kinktober begins, your friendly older tumblr aunt is here to remind you that not all sex you read about online is accurate or even possible! :)
Here are some fun reminders!
Always, always, check for consent before you begin anything with someone else! Check ins during are also good and hot!!!
Use lube - not just spit. Lube is designed to last on your body while spit is soaked into your skin and therefore, not useful. (By all means, if you wanna spit after you’ve applied lube and your partner is into it? Go for it. But lube up first!)
Most people with female anatomy cannot squirt and before you say “it’s in porn!!” Please know that it’s an actual skill that you have to train your body to do. Some people can naturally relax the right muscles - most can’t.
For most people, a 10+ inch dick is ridiculously large and would hurt. Size doesn’t matter half as much as fics make it out to matter -there are so many other factors that matter significantly more. (Angle!! Friction, LUBE, speed, position, etc.)
It’s totally fine (and normal!) to not have an orgasm during sex. Especially if it’s your first time. Yes, even those with male anatomy. Sometimes, sex is about the closeness and the experience, not the orgasm.
USE PROTECTION! Never ever assume your partner is using some form of protection. YOU MUST DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR PARTNER. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.
Also, condoms are supposed to be tight on a penis. You can wear the wrong size and it will not work the right way. They can fall off if they’re too big or break from being too tight. However, unless someone has a literal allergy, it being “uncomfortable” is not a valid excuse to not wear a condom. And hey! You/they DO have an allergy?? Guess what - they probably make a condom that you’re not allergic to!! Isn’t science neat? :)
When you put on a condom you need to leave room at the tip. You need to pinch that left over space and verify there are no air bubbles. If there are air bubbles - it’s going to break. If you don’t leave that extra space? It’s going to break. Quite a few condom brands have a built in “ reservoir tip”. If the brand you prefer doesn’t, make sure to physically check that there is room.
NEVER HAVE ANAL SEX WITHOUT LUBE. Yep, back to lube! Guess what happens when you don’t use it? PAIN. The anus does NOT stretch naturally. You have to work it open - PREP WORK. It will tear, it will hurt, and your fun time will be over before it ever began.
Choking someone can be incredibly dangerous if not done properly. Do your research. Your goal isn’t to crush someone’s trachea - that can cause actual permanent damage.
CONSENT! IS! HOT!
Most sex isn’t a BDSM situation. Most people will never enter that type of partnership. BDSM is much, much more than “dominant/submissive”.
On that note, being submissive does not mean always whining, whimpering, or crying. It can mean this - but being submissive is about giving up control and trusting someone else to give you what you need. Submissive does not equal infantilization.
Other hand! Being a dominant does not mean being hard, rough, and emotionally closed off. A dominant understands they are being handed trust from someone and they take that role very, very seriously. Being dominant does not equal being a dick.
“Vanilla” sex is not boring. The term actually was created in the ‘70s but the definition varies depending on the subset of people talking. (Monogamous vs. polyamorous, sexual preference, etc.)
Finally!!
It is completely and totally okay and normal to read about something and like it but not ever want to do it in real life. It’s okay to not like reading about something but enjoy it in real life. It’s okay to try something and never want to do it again or stop halfway through.
It is not okay to shame anyone else for their preferences, even if they differ from your own. :)
Please remember as you’re reading through all the fun fics that they are just that - fiction. Real life is never quite like it’s written and that’s okay! Be safe, do research from real experts, and remember to be nice to your authors!
Ghoap, angst, drabble (just a quick piece while i’m dealing with some family issues irl.)
TW for death, quick mention of nsfw.
He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.
The words play in his head like a mantra. Every waking second, it chants in his head, looming over every task. He knows they noticed. People are worried- they keep /saying/ they’re worried which makes it a bigger deal than he thought it was.
Johnny is dead.
He remembered just weeks beforehand. Sitting with his captain, the man he trusted most, who was confronting him after nearly a month. He had known this was coming. Someone was bound to say something.
“I’m not an idiot, Simon,” the man spoke gruffly, staring at him over his wooden desk. Reading glasses were on his face, drooping, and he stared at Simon intensely. Watched the way he squirmed under the scrutiny. “I’ve known you for years. I know when somethin’ is off.”
Off. That was a weird way of putting it, because everything had felt so normal and /right/ with Johnny. He broke free from the mold of his body , skin squeezing too tight around him, and he felt like he was okay. He’s okay. The fucking wreckage of his body is long forgotten when Johnny crooks fingers into him, making him orgasm without any actual way to physically release.
He couldn’t say all of that to his captain, so he cleared his throat. “What do you mean?”, he asked, sounding more choked up than he meant to. This was the first time he felt he couldn’t tell Price something. This was the first time he didn’t /want/ to.
His captain huffed on a laugh. “You and Johnny. You aren’t too subtle about the entire thing going on between you.”
Simon wondered, briefly, if this bothered his captain. He didn’t seem like the homophobic type. He took good care of Simon after the hospital, he was kind, loving. The kind of love that couldn’t be broken over that. Over his sexuality. Not that he was certain was it even was.
“I’m scared for you, Simon. I don’t think you can afford to get hurt again.”
A laugh clawed its way up his throat, thick and uncomfortable. Hurt. That was the farthest thing from what he was feeling. He wasn’t hurt, he was in love, the type of love that brought him back to life.
Of course, all Price did was raise his eyebrow at the noise. Ghost cleared his throat and counted the slats of wood on the floor until his embarassment faded a bit.
“I appreciate your concern, sir,” he spoke quietly. “But I ain’t hurt. Farthest thing from it.”
“Right.” Price pursed his lips, clicked his pen nervously. There was something else he wasn’t saying and SImon was no idiot. He could see it all over his face. “But you understand the nature of this job, do you not? The consequences of loving seomone in the miliary?”
Death. It was death. Simon had eluded it once, literally crawling free from his grave in desperation. He thought then he would die. There were times on missions they came close. He was immune to death, Johnny had joked.
But who was saving him? Ghost had to rest on the little patch before Johnnys grave, feeling fatigued from ther drive over. He had been buried in a small cemetary near home. Johnnys mother and father were hosting him whilst he grieved.
Price was right. He was always right, and Simon would never doubt him again.
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