FEATURED VIDEO
A BIT ABOUT ME....
Hi - welcome to my blog!
I'm Anna Marie and I'm a missionary in Edinburgh, Scotland. I live to help women and young girls through the journey of recovery. It is my life's passion & core to who I am. As a survivor of childhood domestic violence & eating disorders in my twenties I understand recovery well. For: Her is my safe place, a growing community & my personal online journal. OUR TWEETSTweets by @ForHerBlog !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs");
Like some scary creature out of a children's story, it rears its ugly head at the most unexpected moments.
Is Opportunistic.
Waiting until the most vulnerable moments to jump out from around the corner and pounce.
Is a Broken Heart.
Battered, bruised, bleeding, believing that somehow, despite the signs, healing is still a possibility.
Those who have recovered are an army of mask-less individuals, who endured beyond saving face, who braved the stripping off of face, to reveal the vulnerable within and made this new appearance their home.
Everyday, I fight the Beast, I fight the Opportunist, I pick up my Broken Heart and I fight to stay in my new home.
I pray that I won't be evicted...by some careless oversight..I pray that my tenancy holds up despite my fears that one day my terms will be up.
And this is Recovery. The TRUTH of it.
ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.
''You, my brothers (*sisters), were called to be free...''
As I hear the lyrics to the song for the first time
something lights up within my soul
it's as if someone has reached deep within
and pulled out the thoughts, fears, doubts and questions
and formed them into a simple, beautiful prayer set to music
'You make me brave...' sings Amanda Cook
And I mouth out the words, allowing my lips to feel
their journey across my lips
it's as if I'm testing out if they can sit within me authentically
And then again, bolder
stronger, more insistent, this time
I find my Spirit rising up
to meet the prophetic chant
'You call me out beyond the shore into the waves!'
And it hits me full force; like bricks to the face
and the tears come quickly and I gasp as I understand
that this has been my hearts cry for the longest time
That I would somehow be transformed
from this weak, anxious adult woman
back into the daring, sweet,
courageous young child I used to be.
The gift of this song, discovered by me
in this same week that the incourageme communities
in:rl conference was taking place,
has been nothing short of a miracle
After the longest, driest season of voicelessness -
to hear this song prompting me from within
and then to be part of an event,
where a community of women were
being encouraged to 'share their story'
- for me, this has been the most profound,
life-affirming weeks I've had in years.
It came quietly too...there were no obvious signs
that my shift would take place now.
And yet it has.
I am still unravelling and processing what this all means, but the most remarkable thing that has come from it so far?
I was able to untangle My Story in my mind.
The one that I'd been writing and given up on because it was too 'hard'?
Yeh, that one.
Today I wrote the first 3 chapters in a moment reminiscent of Diane Keaton's character in the movie 'Something's Gotta Give' when she finally gets inspired to write her novel and sits typing furiously for hours on end, several snotty tissues in hand.
That was me, today.
Except I was sat in a food court in a busy mall,
but un-bothered by the noise and chaos around me
and unable to make me pen move fast enough across page.
And tonight? Tonight I am here writing a BLOG!
My first post in months....
Its been a long time coming..
but I think God has somehow un-corked me.
He has made me BRAVE.
''You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore
into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
that love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
the promises you made..''
'You Make Me Brave'
Song Lyrics (c) Bethel Music, Redding. Performed by Amanda Cook
I AM the 'ordinary' girl - the girl no one stops to look twice at, the one no one asked to the school disco, the one no boy ever dated, the one who spent every minute with her family and the one who got good grades and went on to a good university.
I AM the ordinary girl who had the friends who looked anything but ordinary with their fascinating lives, adventurous experiences and steady, stable family units.
I am an ordinary girl..but therein lies the extraordinary.
And you might miss it; if you don't stop long enough to see it.
You may look at my appearance or judge my unassuming nature and think - nothing to write home about, no one special there.
But I've come to know that this is where so many of us make the same mistake. Because the thing that makes me ordinary is the very same thing that makes me extraordinary:
My voice, my unique point of view, my opinion, my life experiences, my choices, my stories, my scars - these are all the things that make me so much MORE. They are the things that define me, that qualify me and unveil me.
And so this ordinary girl has found, that being ordinary really...
For someone who loved to write from such a young age (8 years old) writing for me is much more than something I love to do.
Writing was the tool I chose to express the things that went unspoken in my pretty dysfunctional home. It was the way I talked about what my eyes could see but my brain could not yet understand.
It was my safe-haven, my harbour, my shore. And I anchored myself desperately around the words of my heart - and I created characters, and gave them funny names..but really all those names and faces were really just me all along...
So then writing became a place of freedom, of courage and boldness and joy. It was never a place of confinement or structure or discipline. I wrote because I was compelled and out of pure love.
Then writing became my source of income. As a freelance magazine and newspaper journalist, my job was to write the words that others wanted; in the style that they liked. But it was no longer in my truest, purest voice..
And somehow, along the way, I slowly began to lose the poetic license of freedom. And I began to allow the critique and the doubt and the fear to determine how and if I would write at all.
Then writing was a form of therapy, as I learned through recovery from eating disorders, how to journal my way out of the chaos in my mind and set my emotions free again - only on the paper at first .
Now, all these years year, my writing is trying to make a comeback!
It wants to know where it stands. And I want to give the answer that burns inside my heart, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
And yet I feel it waiting; flashing bright like neon lights, asking me the question;
'And now? What now, will you let your writing become?'
I said this out loud to myself today after I finished the first draft of a new chapter; I AM a writer.
And just for a moment I let it sink in.
It dawned on me that - even after years of me making a successful career writing as a magazine journalist - somewhere deep inside I doubted that I could ever write in that way again.
You see, whilst I'd spent the last 3-4 years dealing with the darker parts of my recovery for eating disorders, it was as though my inner voice had shut down. The more I uncovered and brought to the surface to heal, the less I could speak out.
I knew that this was not just an ordinary battle - but that satan wanted to shut me up. Stop me from potentially bringing freedom through the written word to others. And yet, this knowledge did not make it possible for me to instantly overcome.
I would prep myself; try my old trick of laying out new stationery on my bed (something I ordinarily found irresistible and a catalyst for my creative juices) and tell myself 'today, I will write!'..but then nothing would come forth. I'd just sit there or get distracted and loose courage - and find myself unable to physically write.
This was an especially cruel joke for someone who relied so much, all her life, on writing as a form of therapy, letter-writing as a way of staying connected with family and friends and journalling as a form of processing major transitions/events.
But for those years, I found that no matter how hard I tried, I could not force the fountain inside of me to pour forth.
My words were too raw.
And a part of me was afraid I could never do justice with 'mere words' to what I was truly experiencing in the journey towards my healing.
All that time, my heart ached. And the longer the time grew, the more I doubted if I would ever have something of value again to say.
I wondered if I could find the courage to dive in again? If perhaps I had reached the end of my affair with language? If I now would have to find another mode of communication with which to express myself?...
I tried not to mourn the death of words too hard..but inside I began to feel like a fraud. In the past with excitement I'd say ''I'm a trained journo turned missionary for Jesus!'' But now, any time someone would ask what I did for a living, it got easier to just say; ''missionary.''
And that too, was a good thing. A great thing. Could there ever be such a thing as 'just a missionary?' - Not to Jesus! Yet to me, this description was painfully incomplete. And not by choice, but by season.
But then just a little over 1 week ago..something miraculous happened. There were no warning signs, no big flash of thunder or lightening - just a sudden quiet rush of words, formless in my head, begging to be put down on paper.
As I scurried to pull out that unused new stationery, butterflies danced in my stomach..
Could this be what I thought it could be? The old familiar rush of inspiration when something new was taking form?
As pen hit paper, the words literally fell out, ink staining the lines and new words of encouragement, hope, determination, freedom, peace began to out-pour. Four brand new pages looked back at me when I was done and this was how I knew.
It was never really gone.
My ability to write was not something that could ever get lost. It was not something I had fabricated in my mind or that I had total control or command over.
It is something connected so deep inside - to the most vulnerable part of my spirit - that when activated by God, moves my heart to speak. It never runs out of things to say or express, because my heart never fails to be moved by the things of God!
But for that season, maybe for my own sake; God gave me pause.
No more talking for others or to others. He needed me to write a silent letter to myself. He needed me to give myself time to heal; for my heart to be moved for once over my own brokenness - and to allow it to seek Him fully for all that it would need to heal.
In this time, I didn't write, but I SANG.
I wrote and sang original worship songs for our house church and led the mission community in heartfelt worship. I was naked and vulnerable - but not through my trusty pen, but through my real voice.
And now it occurs to me; He'd never really taken my voice away. Only re-directed it...
Just for a season, just long enough to bring about my total freedom.
And just as I reached that point of breakthrough and transitioned into strong recovery....ever so gently, like the whisper of the winds, my Father, He released His hold....
And so now: I really CAN write!
I realize it's not just some childhood pastime or something I happen to be 'OK' at doing. I now consciously realize that I am a WRITER who can write! And so back to today.
As I lay down my pen in the book store, I felt an excitement bubble up into a smile. Because now that I have walked this road, I understand fully what it takes.
And now that I am whole, I am seeking out new brave ways to step forward again, into the writer's arena - and add my voice to the mix.
This blog is one such vehicle.
Another is the new Christian writer's group I signed up for this autumn.
I have a feeling this group is going to help me find the courage to continue to overcome the inner hurdles that shut down my voice these last few years and stay firmly on track.
But more importantly, I am no longer afraid or in need of being in control of the pen! I know now that my ability to write is given from God, guarded by God and enabled by God. I understand that at my core; I am a writer, a communicator. This is who He made me to be.
And I now happily allow Him to lead me as I follow Him down this interesting path called Life...
May God bless you all today - wherever you are on the journey!
Something to think About: Q: Can you relate to my feeling of loss of ability/talent. How has this changed how you view or define yourself or your relationship with God.
I am so excited to be starting this blogging journey with all of you!
This is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I believe now is the time that God has set me 'free' enough to be able to do it. More on that later..
I always knew that whenever I did jump in, I wanted it to be a place where I came to write only in spirit and truth, with authenticity - and only when I felt I had something of worth to share or say.
I wanted to create a place that would offer a sense of community to single women, who like me, had found themselves single far longer than they'd ever anticipated they would be and therefore often saw life and circumstances through a different lens. I wanted to give their voices a chance to be heard.
I will be blogging on all sorts of topics and things that I love, taking a look at them through the lens of 'Singlehood.' Topics such as;
faith
community
family
lifestyle
health &
women's issues
There will also be other relevant Guests (Bloggers, Writers, Missionaries & Ministry Workers) invited to come share their thoughts with us from time to time. Plus there will be opportunities for us to study the Bible in For: Studies and make new friends and get to know each other better through our blogfrog community space. There will also be competitions and giveaways from me and from my Guests, so stay tuned for those!
That said, I also really want this to be a fun place to hang out - somewhere that you look forward to visiting when you get those precious 5 mins on your own. So to make things easier for you to navigate I decided to put together a small blog schedule - I'm very organized like that :)
On the days listed below For: Her's content will be themed;
Minute Monday
This idea was adapted from the popular 'Five Minute Friday' postings made famous by the gypsy mama and other bloggers over at incourage.me. As a full time missionary Monday's are one of my busiest days!
Thus I created the idea of checking in first thing with you all early Monday morning and writing non-stop for exactly 1 minute and then sharing the outcome with you! That means no room for error or editing! Yikes...There will be a linky at the end of the post so that you can all join in and link up your Minute Monday contributions from your own blogs.
Wednesday = For: Studies
We will walking through the scriptures together - a book at a time, as well as using recommended bible study resources and materials designed for singles. More on this later. But for now, if you are interested in joining in you can register your interest using the jot form.
Friday Blogresponding
This will be my chance to share fabulous blogs from some of my single friends and others that I come across, with you! It will sometimes feature a bullet-list of links that I think may help or encourage us in our walk with God or be a feature on a particular blog/book/news item of the week. If I see a book that I think you would love or stumble across something cool online, I'll also be recommending them to you. I promise these items/products will all be things that I have used or could make use of and not just something trivial. Some of these will be for sponsored blog placements and others free mentions.
As a missionary, it's always a blessing if something I already love to do can double up in helping me to raise monthly support. With this in mind, I have opened up advertising space on the right hand column of my blog and to those who feel inclined to show their support, I have also linked up a Paypal button.
I'm SO grateful and blessed to you reading this and to my friends, who have journeyed thus far with me.
And to new readers - WELCOME!
I appreciate you and your interest in my blog and look forward to getting to know you. Please take a minute to say 'hello' in the comments.
(We already have a few sponsors for this month - but there are still spaces available! - if you think you'd like to become one of my sponsors, you can click on to my advertising page and purchase an ad any time! There are slots open right now (till end of September 2013) for October).
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(Anna Marie is a full-time missionary in Edinburgh, Scotland. She works for a Christian domestic violence charity, where she is the Director of The Give Love Project, their Faith-Based Eating Disorders Recovery Program helping women and young girls. Tune in to her LoveTalks Podcast on the website or on Precious FM)
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Hello! my name is Anna Marie and I'm very pleased to meet you :)
I'm the second eldest child out of four siblings and I turned 34 last June.
I always assumed when I was growing up, that by this age I'd be married, live in a beautiful home in the country and have 2 or 4 kids. I'd have had a long career as a journalist behind me and fill my days with endless writing, cooking and baking...but my daily reality is very different;
I find myself single, with no kids and no Mr. Right on the horizon.
I was a freelance journalist for 10 years and I do love to cook, bake and write.
But since becoming a Christian, my path has taken a totally unpredictable trajectory, one that I never saw coming or ever expected.
Somedays this bothers me - A LOT - but most days, I am grateful for all the L-ife Lessons with a capital 'L' that God has managed to pack into my 34 years on this earth.
En route I have survived a lot; including eating disorders, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. But those challenges only helped me to discover who I really am in Christ and reveal my life's purpose.
Through 'The Give Love Project' & LoveTalks Radio Show, I provide free resources and support to other young girls and women trying themselves to break free from ED's.
Recovery has been an everyday choice for me and helped me to appreciate just how tough we have to be to FIGHT the enemy and overcome Him, no matter the battle or name of the obstacle ahead of us!
I am now passionately serving full-time in missions, giving encouragement and helping women in all sorts of broken circumstances, to understand and accept their true identity and the unfailing love of Jesus Christ.
So now it's over to you....Who are YOU? I'd love to meet you!!
If you'd like to contact me, just drop me a line at;
fourherblog(at)gmail(dot)com
t: www(dot)twitter(dot)com/fourherblog
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(Anna Marie is a full-time missionary in Edinburgh, Scotland. She works for a Christian domestic violence charity, where she is the Director of The Give Love Project, their Faith-Based Eating Disorders Recovery Program helping women and young girls. Tune in to her LoveTalks Online Radio show on the website or on Precious FM)
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