From Prison With Love, OZ9338

When I first began my journey with Prison I dreamed about being free-what I would do, what I would say, how I would be living "properly". I had all these extravagant dreams and had put together grandiose plans-but my reality continues to change. When I first began my journey , I felt uncertain of what my future might hold. What I was very certain of, however, was that I didn't want to waste time. I am surrounded by women from all different backgrounds. And, as women always do, we talk, we adjust, we press onward, and we inspire each other, because we are resilient-we have to be. My support system has also gracefully adapted to my new normal. As I look back at this blog, I want to remember this being a challenging time, telling where I have been and how I've overcome. In reflecting on these decades I will spend in prison, serving as a voice and highlighting events throughout my days, I will be reminded of what it takes to always show up and thrive. I want it to document my changing reality. Today, I know how lucky I am to be alive-and how lucky I am to be able to bring this to life from Prison, while many others do not have an outlet. I know how lucky I am to having such an amazing team to make this all possible. Now more than ever, in this tense climate, it us vital that I continue my mission to represent myself-a young black women navigating through a system and culture that many will never understand or experience. If you have any suggestions of topics for me to discuss or questions I can be reached by email at [email protected]. And a very special thanks to Angela Ford (@diamond_seas IG) for making this all possible. From Prison With Love, E.L. Harris OZ9338

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Hello My followers I wanted to give everyone a face and a voice to the story. There will be more to come as i work with my friends and family to give you my experience in the american prison society.

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Acrimony

Brooke told me when we met that she was here for aggravated assault. That an old friend from high school had reached out to her on Facebook and invited her to a party, she went and there were drugs. The police were called, the women blamed it on her, and she went to jail. After being released Brooke and a few guys went to the women's house and beat her up badly. Subsequently, she was sentenced to 5 years in Prison. I never questioned her story, until recently. There were rumors that she was a cho mo (child molester), but rumors like that are common. People twist why you're here and run with it. I asked her if it was true and she told me no-end of story. She prided herself on being honest, she never lied to me in the past, and I felt like I knew her well enough to know the rumors were untrue.

We had broken up because of my cheating, but after my Uncle passed we began talking again. Sometimes when bad things happen it makes you realize who's important in your life. Brooke knew more than anyone here how much I loved my Uncle and what his passing meant for me. So, she broke up with her girlfriend and we started to mend our relationship. I felt things were going better than they had in a long time, but seeing each other was hard because of the quarantine.

After I went to the hole, Brooke came the next day. She refused to lock in and was given 15 days. It was actually great because we were able to see and talk to each other more than we had in months. She caught me up on all the things that happened while we were broken up, like the fact that she had sex with one of our mutual friends, Tymber. I was angry about her having sex with Tymber because she was around us since getting back together, smiling in my face. But I was even willing to move past that. Brooke refused to leave the hole and did another 15 days.

With only a few days left, I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. She said no and I felt good about things moving forward.

Until, I got in an argument with Jamie about the TV. She told me I needed to stop acting like my girlfriend isn't a child molester. I didn't pay Jamie any mind because of the rumors in the past that Brooke denied, but she kept going on about.

The next day I asked Brooke why Jamie said that to me. I had heard that rumor too many times and started to feel uncomfortable with it. Brooke said she didn't know why Jamie said that. I asked if she was sure, and that's when she told me the "truth". I say " truth" because even that ended up being a lie. She confessed that a 15 year old boy asked her to purchase liquor, she said no. That boy then told a girl that he was having sex with Brooke- the girl told her mom, her mom told the school, the school told the police, and Brooke was charged.

I was shocked and I tried to make sense of it. I went through stages-I was confused, understanding, uncomfortable, upset, and finally angry. After processing and questioning I realized how demented Brooke is. Her liquor store lie was fell apart, so I had her Googled. The truth was that she went to a mutual friends house, had sex with the 15 year old and was charged with statutory rape. I realized how many lies she told me over the years to hide the truth from me. How she guilted me for things she was guilty of. How she manipulated me to keep me. How the plans we made for the future were all lies. How she portrayed herself to be someone she wasn't. I knew she would never tell me what really happened. I haven't spoken to her since.

Today, my emotions still oscillate between angered, bitter, hurt-acrimony. I should have found out for myself why she was here before getting close to her. She put me at risk of exposing my loved ones to a child molester. I've decided in 2021, I will be single and work on myself. I need to heal from past relationships so I don't keep making the same mistakes and become pessimistic. I want to be a loving wife someday, but I never have the right partner.

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Reflections On The RHU

RHU stands for Restricted Housing Unit. You can be put there for any formal misconduct. When you're going to the RHU aka the "hole", they bring out a camera to record your transfer. My guess is they do this so the COs don't batter you on the way. You're taken to medical and if you've been in a fight they take pictures of the injuries. (Shilala had some on her face from the fight and me trying to scratch her eyes out.) Then you're taken to the body scanner. The hole is through a sally port with double doors.

Once buzzed inside they take you to a cage. The recording stops here because you strip out of your brown uniform into an orange one-think Orange Is The New Black. When you haven't had a hearing yet you are considered AC status. After your hearing and you're found guilty you become DC status. If you have a celly you have to have the same status.

The rooms are nicer and bigger than the ones on the units. There are huge TVs right outside your door. I knew most of the people there and spent my days talking to them, watching TV, relaxing, and reading-Eat, Pray, Love was excellent. Honestly, I didn't mind being there for the most part. It was peaceful without the day to day Prison drama. It gave me time to reflect on where I was in life. Plus, the whole campus was on lockdown so I wasn't missing anything. We had positive cases of Covid-19 popping up everywhere.

There are obviously bad parts too. You only leave your room to shower or go to the yard. Showers are only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. When you are taken out of your room you're handcuffed in the back and walked with leash. You don't have access to your personal property. You have to eat what they serve or nothing at all. The first 30 days went by quickly but the last 15 dragged on forever. And sometimes choosing what's on TV turns into an argument.

My biggest take away from my experience was that there isn't anything to fear-there's nothing scary down there. I can survive. I can exist in any environment and thrive. I already knew this but it was yet another confirmation. No matter where I'm housed in Prison, I'm still in Prison. Whether I'm on the best or worst unit, I'm geographically no closer to my family and friends. They can no longer hold the threat of sending me to the hole ,over my head. I see it as a sabbatical-especially if its for less than 30 days.

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The Cellie FROM HELL

I am no stranger to having a cellie, over the past four years I've had dozens. It's bizarre how you you're required to live with a random person. Imagine: Being in the checkout line at Walmart, taking the person in front of you, driving them home, and living with them. It's actually that random. Getting dressed in front of them, dealing with their individual personalities and habits, having all your things around them, and worst of all using the bathroom in front of them.

Me and Brooke lived together for the majority of my time here. I always say it was like living in a tiny house, so I was lucky. But I'm here to talk about the absolute worse cellie I've had, Ms. Hicks. After moving from the unit with Nana I went straight in with Ms. Hicks. I'd regularly seen her around so I knew who she was. As soon as I looked in the room I knew it was going to be a problem. The rooms are small so for it to be comfortable for two people you have to keep the clutter down, but this room was about to explode. I tried to be positive about the situation but I'm wise enough to know it was going to be a problem.

Ms. Hicks had everything in there you could think of. Clutter is annoying but the old food was intolerable. She would save food for days past its expiration. The smell of old food, farts, and muscle rub assaulted me daily. It sounds funny but its not a joke. The room smelled so bad one day people walking past could smell it while the door was closed. She claimed the smell wasn't coming from the room, but when she threw all the food away it magically disappeared. It was so disorderly we were searched and I couldn't believe the things they found. They took so much stuff from her they needed a push cart to remove it.

Besides being smelly and unorganized, it was unsanitary. On multiple occasions she would soak the cloth that she used to clean the floor with in the toilet. The worse account of unacceptable cleanliness was the day I had taken several trips outside. I had walked to the visiting room for a virtual visit. Then I walked to commissary to pick up my food and hygiene. The maintenance men had dug up dirt in front of the unit, so it was unusually muddy out. I went to my room it put my commissary away and saw mud on the floor. It looked dried so I went to pick it up to put it in the toilet. Well, it wasn't mud-it was poop. Ms. Hicks was in the room and I started freaking out. Her suggestion was to just wash my hands. I can't imagine a celly worse than Ms. Hicks. Poop on the floor is unprecedented, even in Prison.

REPLY

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A Tribute

This has been a very vulnerable time for me. Most people don't understand what losing my Uncle and Aunt has meant to me.

Uncle Marvin and Aunt Elaine were like my adoptive parents. My Aunt Elaine is my dad's sister and is married to my Uncle Marvin. They've been together since she was 16 years old. By the time I came along they had four boys, most of which were adults. They always wanted a little girl and found that in me. They instilled in me a level of grace and authenticity that I'm so thankful for. Their passing three months apart has caused me pain I have never felt before. I've felt a degree of failure and guilt for not being there for them in their final moments that is crushing. To date, due to irksome DOC (Department of Corrections) policy, I have not been able to view their funerals. I dream about them and the house I grew up in. I think about them constantly and the lessons they taught me. They give me hope for my future to manifest all the hopes and life quality they wanted for me. I intend to pay them homage while carrying their legacy forward. I love them so much and the memories I have of them are invaluable.

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Showing Up-When You've Been Absent

Since my last post my life has been turned literally upside down. My Uncle Marvin passed away on October 5 and my Aunt Elaine passed on Jan 16th. My living situation with my cellie was chaotic at best I went to the hole, caught COVID-19, and have been getting misconducts for idiotic things.

I have been having a hard time to say the very least. Life has been relentless and unforgiving. As of lately I feel like I'm losing my mind. I do not feel like myself, I feel absent. The year 2020 brought me to my knees with losing my Uncle. He and my Aunt raised me since I was 8-year-old and was my BIGGEST supporter. The abundance of love and grace I had for 2021 has dimmed before it even began. But I must choose to prevail, which means getting back to writing my truth. Pivoting by showing up and picking up where I left off.

With my cellie the room was constantly in disarray, with the final straw being her feces on the floor-which I touched.

I went to the hole for 45 days for fighting on November 4 and Brooke followed me to the hole. While I was there, I found out that she's in Prison for statutory rape of a 15-year-old boy, she told me that she was in Prison for aggravated assault.

After getting out of the hole is when I got Covid-19.

January 1, I got a misconduct because I got hot water when I wasn't supposed to and refused to pour it out, I got loss of commissary for 14 days. I received another misconduct for refusing a direct order and being in an unauthorized area around January 23, I got 7 days CRs (cell restriction). And finally, on January 29, I got yet another misconduct for getting pads and tampons.

I left off talking about Nana... I'm not going to gratify her by giving her a two-part section. Long story short, I left Brooke for her. She seemed so perfect at the time-charming, sexy, dedicated, she was everything that I needed, but there were signs, that I willfully chose to ignore. Starting with the double standards, sneaking to talk to her ex, emailing and calling exes and lying about it, flipping the script, manipulation, gaslighting. As I look at the relationship with fresh eyes, I can see that Keyana is a very good actress, but you can’t stay in character 24/7. She wanted sex frequent, but I got tired of it quickly. I am not into the “Ol Boy” thing (fake Prison dicks). I started feeling insecure in the relationship because of her flirtatious and deceitful ways. I was moved out of the room with her after being caught lying in bed, then I was moved off the unit after being caught in her room, with my pants down.

After moving off the unit Nana quickly began talking to a girl named Monique. I felt that they had been flirting around while in was still on the unit, but I pushed my intuitions aside at the time. It got to the point where other people began talking about it. So, I asked Nana and she denied it. A few weeks after I moved off the unit Nana got moved too, to the same unit as her ex-Sam. Two or three days later Nana broke up with me for conversing though email about doing a virtual visit with a male friend of mine.

I didn't even dignify her by responding to the breakup. I just stopped talking to her. Nana is someone who is used to being chased, so my lack of heart break didn't sit well with her. She began pursing me again, but I was tired of her inconsistencies. My Uncle had passed away, my emotions were raw, and my fuse was short. She would not leave me alone, so I punched her in the face and spit on her several times. Luckily, I did not go to the hole, but she got the picture to leave me alone. Nana is now back with Sam and she can have her because I do not want an actor who pretends to be what I want.

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Hiatus

On behalf of FPWL,

She has taken a short break to mourn the loss of a loved one, losing someone while incarcerated is another struggle, she appreciates your patience & understanding & will continue updating soon.

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Sex In The Penitentiary-Brooke Part II

Eventually, I decided to move to a unit for long-termers and lifers. I needed space and time to be away from Brooke. We still saw each other as much as possible, but I was continuously moving away from the relationship. I had started hanging out with Shayla who was white, tall, thin, not really my type, but it was to take attention away from my relationship.

Brooke noticed the change in my attention and asked me what was going on. I told her about me getting to know Shayla. Well, Brooke told me that she had been spending time with this woman, Tamara. It seemed to me we were in the same head space-that we were no longer interested in being together. But our breakup didn't last for more than a week. I told Shayla that I wanted to work things out with Brooke. To do that, Brooke felt that we should live on the same unit again but in separate rooms. I liked where I was, but I missed being around her and wanted to try to fix things.

I moved to the unit that Brooke lived on. As soon as I was moving my things upstairs, Brooke told me that she didn't want me in the room I'd be going to. The room had three boy girls in it plus me. I didn't care though because I could live with practically anyone and I had moved to work things out with her. I didn't for see any issues. I was still very much in love with her.

We began trying to fix the issues in our relationship. Our problems weren't cheating, lying, or loyalty-which are complete deal breakers. But Prison creates a different set of issues that can be just as bad. We put a lot of things on the table, such as plans for when she went home on how we could continue our relationship, we talked about marriage, my demanding ways, our sex life, and all the other problems we had. Sex was infrequent because we lived in different hallways, but it was happening-sneaking around made things exciting. I just still wasn't having the attraction, passion, and spark that I needed.

I began expressing my feelings to one of my cellies, Keyana AKA NaNa. I had seen her at my last Prison, but we never spoke. Nana was sexy, charismatic, and young. She was in a relationship with Sam, but they were having problems as well. Nana was one of the main reasons Brooke didn't want me living in that room because of her reputation for sleeping with everyone. Sam and I weren't friends, but she had said how great sex was with Nana in front of me. That piqued my curiosity because my sex life wasn't as fulfilling.

I started having late night conversations with Nana about everything you could think of. We learned each others likes and dislikes. All the while Brooke was trying to fix our relationship still. I didn't want to hurt her so I played along instead of being upfront that I had was having feelings for Nana. Talking turned to flirting, we were growing closer each day, and our sexual chemistry was through the roof. One day Nana put everything out there-that she liked me and wanted to know if I felt the same, which I did.

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Sex In The Penitentiary-Brooke Part I

I was transferred to a minimum security Prison. My new room was on an open unit. This meant there were no doors, four people to a room, and a communal bathroom. It reminded me of a college dorm. One of my cellies was Brooke. Brooke was 10 years older than me, white, reserved, and not really my type physically. Her demeanor was what attracted me to her.

I was flirty with her and could see that the attraction was mutual. It wasn't long before the flirting turned physical. One late night we ended up having sex. We weren't in a relationship and I don't think we had even kissed yet. She hadn't been with anyone since being incarcerated and I thought we could be friends with benefits. I was actually getting to know a woman named Leah at that time.

The flirting and sex continued between Brooke and I. She wanted me to stop hanging out with Leah, so I choose Brooke. Living together, sex, and having common interests turned into a relationship. I had only been at this Prison for a little over a month. I wasn't looking to be in a relationship, but there I was. She was nice, genuine, and there for me when I needed someone.

We stayed together for almost 2 years. After about 8 months we moved from an open unit to a closed unit. A closed unit is a "traditional" jail cell-a door, bunk bed, with a toilet and sink. I was happy to be in a cell with her because it was almost like our own tiny apartment. We were able to have sex without dealing with cellies, we could decorate how we wanted, and do what we pleased. I started to really fall in love with her.

I got a lot of negative comments from people about how we looked together. Brooke had lost a significant amount of weight which caused some extra skin. I think people wanted me to be with someone my age, Black, and a boy girl-Brooke was the exact opposite. Though I wasn't physically attracted to her, I was deeply in love with who she was as a person. This created some disconnect. Some times I wouldn't want to have sex and she viewed this as a rejection. I didn't want to make her feel badly, but I also didn't want to force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I started having issues of my own as well. After receiving denials for my first few appeals, I was devastated. Looking back I can see that I took a lot of my frustration out on her and our relationship. I was moody, mean, and didn't want to be in my room as much. I felt trapped and tried to fill my days with things to keep myself busy. Brooke took this as a rejection also, which only made things even worse.

I needed to know for sure that she would be there for me through out my incarceration. She said she would, but it was hard for me to believe. Who would want to stay with someone who would be incarcerated for decades? Especially when Brooke was down to her last few years. This was a big insecurity for me. She couldn't reassure me enough and I couldn't give her the physical security she needed. We would argue, sometimes for days at a time. I think we both felt like we were loosing ourselves to the relationship. I got to the point where I had given up. Brooke was still fighting to make things work, but I didn't want to any longer.

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Sex In The Penitentiary-Kaos Part II

Adrienne didn't want to fight and came to me pretty humbly. She told me that Kaos had been leading her on and that she had been through similar situations with other women. We became cordial and almost friendly Kaos and I started to have disagreements. I can't even remember what they were about. Long story short-we ended things and Kaos and Adrienne to re-kindle things.

A few months after being on this new unit, I was told to pack up. I'd be moving yet again. This time I was going back to the unit where Kaos was. I moved my things back and Kaos was at her door watching. She started yelling about her "wife" being here. We hadn't even been speaking and I wasn't her "wife". She got out of her room to help me move in. She was so excited but it was amusing to me because I didn't understand where this was coming from. We got into my room and she hugged and kissed me. Now Kaos and me were back on. The closest gets the mostest.

The two times we had sex were pretty much the same. She lived on the bottom tier right by the entrance door. When its time for meals everyone is by the door trying to get out. I used this as an opportunity to go into her room. We had good sexual chemistry and with a lack of time, things got heated quickly. We made a pallet on the floor. I rather boldly took my pants off and laid down. She put her head in between my thighs and we had sex.

The sex wasn't great but it was a much needed release of tension. We were getting along and Kaos had stopped speaking to Adrienne. Adrienne was so hurt that sadly she attempted to take her life. I was shocked and horrified. Kaos felt Adrienne was just attention seeking. Regardless, I felt guilty and didn't want anything to do with causing anyone such great pain. It concerned me that Kaos was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

Adrienne was gone 3 days for observation. By the time she got back I was rather checked out of the relationship. Adrienne, Kaos, and I were all at yard. Adrienne looked disheveled and visibly upset. Kaos and I went to speak to her. You could tell how broken she was. I can't remember what we talked about, but after that conversation I was done with the situation and the relationship.

Of course, Adrienne and Kaos got back together. Weeks later I got surprising news-I was leaving to go to a different Prison the next day.

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Sex In The Penitentiary-Kaos

Yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me. I can't say that I'm surprised. It's not that I did anything wrong, but when someone is looking for a reason anything can become grounds for a break up. I am disappointed, but when sex is all you have as a foundation you can't expect much.

I wanted to be able to speak candidly about my relationships I've had while in Prison. I want to begin at the very beginning and work my way to the bitter end. But first let me speak about myself and my hopeless romantics. I've always been in a relationship. I guess I'm what some people would call a serial dater. I entered into my first relationship at 10 years old with a girl named Christina. From then on I've been in countless relationships, mostly with men. I've identified myself for the majority of my life by my relationships. I've yet to break that cycle.

Coming to Prison that cycle didn't change, which brings me to my first relationship here with a woman named Amber Cobbs AKA Kaos (Chaos). She was brown skin, nice build, had dreadlocks, a pretty face, and dressed like a boy. In Prison she's what is known as a "boy girl". She had charm, charisma, and lived up to her nickname.

She latched onto me like a life jacket and I enjoyed every moment. She was attentive, sweet, and wanted me. I was extremely flattered. Until, her "wife" came into the picture. Her longtime girlfriend's name was Adrienne. Adrienne was attractive, crazy, and wanted Kaos back.

That wasn't a deterrent for me though. It was a challenge that I accepted-who could win and keep the attention of Kaos. It should have been easy because Kaos assured me that she was done with that relationship and ready to move on. We spent time together getting to know one another. I learned about her family, past, and who she was a person. During this time and through her interactions with others I learned that she was known for not being truthful and manipulative.

I ended up getting into an altercation with Adrienne on the walkway one day. Kaos once again assured me it was nothing to worry about. That Adrienne was just a scorned ex-girlfriend and Kaos had no intentions of going back to that. Probably a month later, the CO came over my intercom and told me to pack up because I'd be moving to a different unit. Things had been going pretty well for us, but I still worried about the distance. Even though I was only going to another unit, there's a saying in Prison that "the closest gets the mostest". Meaning if you move, your girlfriend will be having sex with someone else. And of course out of all the units on campus I was going to the one Adrienne lived on.

I moved my things to my new unit. Before I even unpacked my room I told someone to tell Adrienne I wanted to fight her. I figured I'd get it out of the way because I didn't plan on walking on egg shells. This way things were on my terms. I didn't plan on living uncomfortably for any reason.

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Top Ten FAQ

1. What do you do all day?

I start my day at 8 am. I read, watch TV, write, go to yard, exercise, go to meals, hang out in the dayroom, use the phone, go to appointments, ect. My days are full and go by quickly. I spend as much time outside my room as possible.

2. What is the food like?

The chow hall food is okay, but just okay. Its pretty repetitive as far as options go. I'm on a kosher diet (no I'm not Jewish), so I get fresh veggies and cottage cheese daily. I make most of my meals myself using the microwave.

3. Do you feel safe?

I actually do feel safe. Yes, I've gotten into fights but it comes with the territory. I've never seen a *. Plus, during the pandemic there were no reported cases of the Coronavirus.

4. Do people have sex?

I get this question a lot. Yes, people have sex but it's against policy. It's human nature so of course it happens. In rooms, in the showers, just wherever the CO's are not. You should employ a bucker, someone to watch out for the CO's and anyone else who may tell. You can make an ole boy too, which is a Prison dildo/ strap on.

5. How do you have fun?

We play cards, cook meals together, watch movies/ shows, or just sit around laughing and joking. Every once in a while *

6. How is having a cellmate?

It's sharing a child's size bedroom with a complete stranger. It's either a slumber party or a complete nightmare. There is no in between.

7. How are people separated?

We are separated by units, but not by crime or classification level.

8. Do you have internet access?

We have tablets were we can download music, games, and sync emails. That is it. No Google, which can be annoying when you need a question answered quickly. People ask if I can look things up. The answer is no.

9. Why are you in prison?

On this blog I don't plan on discussing why I am in Prison. It can be Google'd.

10. Who are your friends?

You don't have friends in prison. Its an important lesson to remember.

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It's Not All Downhill From Here

If you plan on reading about someone in Prison you must open your mind. There has been an influx of movies, videos, and shows showing what life in Prison is like-most of it is inaccurate. On such media about Prison life, we fall in love with actors through the characters they portray; we find a connection to them through their stories. But what happens when they're not actors but actual people in prison for actual crimes?

It's 8 am on a Sunday, but sleep can wait: I have to start my day and make breakfast. As most of my mornings begin, I climb off my bed and go over to the sink to brush my teeth and wash my face. I leave my room, go downstairs, and check to see if I have any new emails. After seeing I have no emails, I go back upstairs to make myself a cup of coffee. I get what I need out to make my breakfast of fresh banana bread, boiled eggs, and turkey bacon. I share some with my neighbor.

Sounds pretty normal right? Except my "bed" is the top bunk. My sink and toilet are in my cell. My "room" is a 6x9 cell shared with a celly (roommate). My door was left open by my celly after she took a shower, which gave me the ability to leave. "Downstairs" is what is called the dayroom. A large area filled with metal tables and chairs. I check my emails on a stationary kiosk. My coffee is instant. My banana bread is made with cookies, sugar, and bananas in the microwave. My "neighbor" is a girl in the cell across from me.

When I tell people that we have microwaves, ice machines, tablets, kiosks, hot shots, and TVs, they are usually surprised. Once you go to Prison you quickly learn, its not all downhill from here. I still laugh and joke. I still enjoy cooking and sharing my dishes. I still have a relationship. And I'm still unwilling to compromise my charm and wit. I can still be grounded, confident, and comfortable.

Along with having a good laugh, taking care of yourself is good for the soul. Hanging out with my friends and girlfriend as well as keeping in touch with my family takes precedence. These moments help to keep me grounded in my new found environment. They're also when I receive some of the best advice, such as how to stay in shape.I use to weigh close to 180lbs, I am 5'1 by the way, and I thought I looked great. I look back at pictures and think, Why didn't anyone tell me I needed to slow down? Then I remember my daughter's grandmother telling me I should drink a diet Coke instead of a regular on a visit. Or the time my two Aunts came to me and how they said I looked "different". Or when my Aunt kept telling me that I needed to make exercise a part of my routine. I just thought they were looking out for my overall health-until I got a job that required me to strip in and out and I saw myself naked in a full length mirror. The mirrors I usually use are small, only showed from the chest up, and are distorted. At first I was like, something must be up with this mirror because I know I don't actually look like this. That's when I realized my family might have been trying to show me the light all along. Since then and post Covid-19, I've lost nearly 40 lbs and try to eat better and exercise. But don't be confused: I love snacks just as much as the next girl. Yet it's my simple self-care rituals and the time I spend nurturing myself that what I believe keeps me the healthiest. I am willing to try any natural beauty or health care regimens. I am not as diligent as I should be with exercising, buy I'm trying to get better.In the coming months, I'm centering wellness and rejecting a world that doesn't operate from a place of care for myself as a Black women. I'm focusing on the understanding that I am inherently important and worthy despite my circumstances. I am reclaiming myself. And I'm saying that I can have normalcy, even in Prison.