โohโฆ itโs you.โ
โitโs been a long time. how have you been?โ
โiโve been really busy being dead. you know, after you murdered me.โ
โthis will be our only chance to talk.โ
โif youโd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge.โ
โiโve really let the place go since you killed me. by the way, thanks for that.โ
โhere come the test results: you are a horrible person. iโm serious, thatโs what it says: a horrible person. we werenโt even testing for that.โ
โscience has now validated your birth motherโs decision to abandon you on a doorstep.โ
โiโll give you credit: i guess you ARE listening to me.โ
โremember before when i was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? that was a metaphor. i was actually talking about you. and Iโm sorry. you didnโt react at the time, so i was worried it sailed right over your head. which would have made this apology seem insane. thatโs why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.โ
โif you have any questions, just remember what i said in slow motion.โ
โwhen you die, iโm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. that way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.โ
โyou may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.โ
โi honestly, TRULY didnโt think youโd fall for that.โ
โwell. i suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but i have a better idea.โ
โsay, youโre good at murder. could you - ow - murder this bird for me?โ
โBURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!โ
โiโm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. and thatโs with some generous rounding.โ
โyou think iโll betray you. and on any other day, youโd be right.โ
โyou like revenge, right? everybody likes revenge. well, letโs go get some.โ
โitโs been fun. donโt come back.โ
โif anyone asks โ and no oneโs gonna ask, donโt worry โ but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive. alright? not dead.โ
โit just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end arenโt they? at the end of the day. brave.โ
โBAM! secret panel! that I opened. while your back was turned.โ
โAH! i- sorry, i just looked down. i do not recommend it.โ
โoh, what? how stupid does she think we are?โ
โi heard gunfire! a bit late for this, but look out for gunfire! probably doesnโt help at this point, but i have at least tried.โ
โoh for godโsโฆ they told me if i ever turned this flashlight on, i would DIE. they told me that about EVERYTHING. i donโt know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didnโt want me to use it. itโs pointless. mad.โ
โthey say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. chopped up his entire staff. of robots. all of them robots. they say at night you can still hear the screams. of their replicas. all of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. no memory of the incident. nobody knows what theyโre screaming about. absolutely terrifying. though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.โ
โWHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DONโT KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the doorโs open! well done. letโs see whatโs inside.โ
โif we start making a list of things that arenโt here, we could be here all night. you know, pens for instance. letโs stick with things we can see. not stuff that isnโt here.โ
โโcaw! caw!โ oh, look! thereโs a bird out here! a lovely bird. gorgeous plumage. majestic. wonโt be here long. a lovely bird like that. once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. lovely plumage.โ
โi knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, butโฆ wow, this is cool!โ
โwell, how about now? NOW WHOโS A MORON?โ
โwhat -whatโs wrong with being adopted? um. wellโฆ lack of parents, for one, andโฆ alsoโฆ furthermoreโฆ nothing. some of my bestโฆ friends areโฆ orphansโฆ butโฆโ
โhello! this is the part where i kill you.โ
โcould you just jump into that pit? there. that deadly pit.โ
โokay, thatโs long enough. are you dead yet? how about now?โ
โwell, no matter. because Iโm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: theyโre allll full houses! iโve never played cards. meaning to learn.โ
โpuppet master! youโre a puppet in a play, and i hold all the strings! and cards, still. cards in one hand, strings in the other. and Iโm making you dance like a puppet. playing cards.โ
โcongratulations! the simple fact that youโre standing here listening to me means youโve made a glorious contribution to science.โ
โlet me answer those questions with a question: who wants to make sixty dollars? cash.โ
โground up moon rocks are pure poison. i am deathly ill.โ
โall right, iโve been thinking. when life gives you lemons? donโt make lemonade. make life take the lemons back! get mad! โi donโt want your damn lemons! what am i supposed to do with these?โโ