for context : my great-grandfather turned 100 a couple of weeks ago , and he’s very happy about reaching triple figures ! since he’s so modern and knows what tumblr is , he wanted me to make a collection of his most quotable moments ! most of these were said whilst watching tv shows like masterchef or project runway ( esp. project runway, he used to be a tailor ! ) or playing ps3 games ( one of his new fave pastimes )
❝ You like mixing knits? So do the people at the retirement home up the road. ❞
❝ Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s not blood orange, it’s red, fuck you! ❞
❝ Darling, you can write a porno if you want to, as long as it’s better than Fifty Shades. ❞
❝ If you can’t be a professional, at least you can try to dress like one. ❞
❝ Since getting older, I’ve adopted a new “fuck you I’m fabulous” attitude. ❞
❝ A glass of red wine a day keeps the grim reaper away! ❞
❝ Oh my gosh! Did you shit on the food, or is that your idea of a sauce? ❞
❝ That outfit looks fabulous, if you want to look like your waist fell. ❞
❝ I’m very satisfied mustard has come back into fashion in 2018. Good choice world! ❞
❝ If I was many years younger, I’d romance you. ❞
❝ People think I’m insulted when they call me Sir, but I’m flattered. I never got knighted! ❞
❝ Nobody has worn something that hideous since 1918. I should know, that’s when I was born. ❞
❝ There are so many beautiful things in this world to get insurance on. ❞
❝ When it comes to work, I’m a bit of a control freak…but who isn’t? ❞
❝ What’s a man gotta do to get a glass of wine around here!? ❞
❝ I’m this old and I can still take myself to the toilet. Life success! ❞
❝ ____ is panflexible and nobody can tell me otherwise. ❞ ( ** HE MEANT PANSEXUAL LMAO )
❝ I’m so cool, I use text speak. LOL: lights on loser. FML: find my leggings.❞
❝ …There is only so much tackiness one human body can endure. ❞
❝ I’m all for full body prints, but not when they make you look like you escaped the zoo. ❞
❝ I saw a curvy model in the street the other day and now I wish I was 80 years younger. ❞
❝ What’s with this cutout trend? Were you hungry and just ate your clothes? ❞
❝ I survived a world war, yet I can never survive the grocery store. ❞
❝ Chartreuse is a crime against fashion. If you ever wear it, I’ll pray for your descendants. ❞
❝ There’s a reason nobody wears shoulder pads anymore. Just saying. ❞
❝ Are you wearing silk chiffon? HELLO 2005!!!! ❞
❝ If I want to eat a full tub of ice cream, I’ll eat a full tub of ice cream. Don’t judge me. ❞
❝ An advantage of getting older: I can walk outside in pyjamas and not get judged. ❞
❝ Wow. Blindness. What a plot twist that was. ❞
❝ Why is it a thing that all mages just have to be sexy!? ❞
❝ When it comes to weaponry, too big is never a bad thing. ❞
❝ Everyone seems to be dropping like flies…It’s a little bit mad. ❞
❝ I maxed out my two-handed weaponry skill. I am a man to be feared! ❞
❝ You have about as much emotion as a tree trunk. In fact, that’s an insult to the tree trunk. ❞
❝ “Let’s play with magic we don’t understand, it’ll make us incredibly powerful!” Dumbo! ❞
❝ Oh look, it’s the president of Dorktopolis, capital of the Nerd Empire! ❞
❝ In the wise words of my late father: “Fuck you, I was here first!” ❞
❝ Don’t you have something better to do than trying to destroy the world? Take up baking, or knitting. Maybe poetry? ❞
❝ Leather is the unsung hero of fashion. If I could live in leather, I would. ❞
❝ Frozen pizza is the greatest invention our great planet has ever produced. ❞
❝ Quinoa looks like tiny little bird poops. I’d rather eat my own shoe than eat that. ❞
❝ Does my butt look big in this? ❞
❝ HOW HAVE YOU ESCAPED MY CLUTCHES!? ❞
❝ Of course I believe in evolution. How else would Bulbasaur become Venusaur!? DUH! ❞
❝ What do you call someone who can’t move very fast? You! Hah! ❞
❝ I just killed a dragon…I’M A FUCKING GOD AMONG MEN! ❞
❝ Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I sold your weapon, so don’t kill me baby! ❞
❝ There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force. ❞
❝ Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. I should know! ❞
❝ You can overcome any adversary simply by having a tragic backstory. ❞
❝ I let Beyonce dictate my life. If she would do something, then damn, I’m gonna do it too. ❞
❝ Oh. My. God. It’s a motherfucking walk off. ❞
❝ I would hang out with you Janice, but unfortunately, I’m a father. Duty calls. ❞
❝ You know who doesn’t like me? People who suck. That’s right. ❞