freiraummensch

caro, 17 - essays, poetry and some other stuff i like

[nada-comoviver]

[freiraummensch]

I am gone

it got worse. terribly worse. i was so sure that at a certain point it would just stop and I’d get better again. i was so damn sure of that. now i know that it didn’t. I cry myself to sleep every night because it’s the only time I’m able to feel something. the emotions are bad. not nice. if I’d be honest, I’d say that I don’t even know if my emotions are good or bad, I don’t really feel the difference anymore. Sure, there are moments I actually feel alive, while attending a concert or a comfy evening with a good friend. but most of the time I’m just fucking empty. there’s nothing left inside me, just a bit of anxiety and trauma tearing me apart, eating me out with the devil’s tongue. I’m at a point where I’m not even able to get out of bed most days. where I just stay home and try to get the sleep I couldn’t catch at night. When I’m out I try to hide what goes on inside of me, or more what does not go on inside of me. people are so fake, I don’t need their fake attention and help, I don’t need a herd of snakes trying to get me to jumpt over the edge. I already have that inside of me and that’s enough to fight right now. I want it to end so badly, so that I can be myself again. I don’t know what that felt like, I don’t know who I was before. Sometimes I look at the mirror and don’t even recognize myself. I think to myself “who is that? do I know you?” I want to be able to love myself and then love somebody else. I want to know the feeling of being completely without sorrows, just the feeling of being happy. I’ve hadn’t had that for too long and right now it’s really all i long for.

[freiraummensch]

vergänglechkeite

z’läbe verglüeht im flug puff pass, gib mr no eh zug vo dem chranke shit called life i mein, luegs dr mau ah, so ganz ohni bezug

mir lüchte u läbe, lache u schwäbe chum mir göh zäme ufe e trip vom läbe ritte die wäue, gang eifach immer grad us was wär we mr aus mönsche eifach mau aus gäbe?

vilech wird's mau bitter oder mir loufe eifach, immer witer id front row vo dem geile konzert u singe u tanze bises brätscht u blitzet

irgendeinisch isch dr flug verbi dr trip vom läbe huere schön gsi mir tanze no chli meh, üsi füess tüe scho weh u mir fiire üse ungergang mit chli schoggi u wii

[freiraummensch]

I wish you all the best, my friend

time passed in a snap things may pass and people may clap but we’ll remember those moments keeping’ them in our hearts as we say goodbye and counting the days until we’ll meet again

may mahatma, maximus and what they were called come back and bring us more joy may the laughs bring us tears again and the moments some nice memories i know we won't forget them as they are pierced in our brains

some encounters are temporary but thats what makes life worth living knowing that beauty doesn’t last forever but as long as humans were existing they were crying about that no, I won’t cry, I will laugh in knowledge that ours isn’t over yet

i won’t cry because I’ll remember it even when I’m turing eighty-three I’ll remember the beers, the hiking and the talks I’ll remember the stars, the bean bags and us fucking up oh yes, I’ll remember all of those things and I’ll always have a smile on my face  when I think about them

may we meet again and if not, may we keep those memories written down in our personal storybook may we keep them alive in our imagination and take care of’em like a treasure let’s look forward, take that step good will come and moments be kept

[freiraummensch]

human

today I eyed something very very beautiful. as I was sitting in the park, trying to find some relief in the birds and the sounds surrounding, two little kids, a boy and a girl, were playing with a ball. their laughter and screams kept me from meditating but still, i found tons of joy by watching them. as they played hide and seek, the girl came up to me and asked if she could hide behind me. of course I said yes and promised her to not tell her friend. these kids were so pure, innocent and happy to play with each other and you know what? I’m pretty sure the boy did not identify her as his black friend. and she did not recognize him as her white friend. they were just happy with having a friend, no bad thoughts or racist thinking involved here. it made me think about how it would be if grown ups treated each other like that. what if we spread love and understanding instead of hateful tirades and racism? what if we just stopped fighting wars about religion or belief, what if we just stopped separating children from different cultures to prevent misunderstanding and teached them that we are all the same. that there is no black, white, asian or hispanic race but rather a collective human race? 

[freiraummensch]

i love’m holy shit

[freiraummensch]

notebooks

that mutual move of us how coincidences are thus moved your pen over your pages i felt like leaving behind ages

your dimples start to quiver i’m full of goosebumps and shiver i smile, but only a little oh how your hair’s parted in the middle

eyes meeting once again like a song in it’s refrain chances passing by so you dare and say “hi”

and so i close my notebook and by the way, i’m kinda shook how fast you can fall for someone you don’t know at all

like two leaves drifting on the wind but only are we both one-winged maybe if we tried to really strive you could have been the love of my life

[freiraummensch]

pond of secrets

if you ask people what their favorite emotion would be if they had to choose, most of them would take happiness. I personally, would choose differently, happiness is a shallow emotion for me. it has no depth at all, it’s beautiful, of course, but it’s more like a mountain creek than a water deep as the ocean and filled with secrets. for me, happiness is kinda empty, maybe superficial.

on the other side you have melancholia for example. melancholia - the deep, endless pond of thinking and overthinking, asking and questioning, listening and talking. melancholia would be a person who challenges but understands you. a person who is able to change you with only their way of thinking, their untouchable wiseness and open-minded view. melancholia is the thing that you dive in without knowing where it ends, where you can get out again. 

i’d choose melancholia over happiness. i prefer thinking, questioning and listening - these things are so closely related to learning things, opening your mind, it makes you grow out your own little skin. i’d rather dive in a pond full of secrets without getting out again than float on a creek of happiness. of course, it’s nice but sometimes, creeks become rivers, and rivers become waterfalls and that is exactly how fast happiness is going to fade.

[freiraummensch]

weak

i’m weak. oh i’m so weak. i sit here and cry because i think of it, again, i want to do it, again. it pushes me to do it, i’m so miserable. i don’t want to but the urge lays so heavy on me. i don’t want to be weak, i want to be strong. i want to fight it.

i did it, again. i sit here and cry, again. i cry because i know i couldn’t stop it, i cry because the urge was stronger than me even though i promised myself that it would not be. but again, i proved myself that i’m weak.

[freiraummensch]

you can’t bring us down

Have you ever been to a really big concert yet? I remember my first like it was yesterday, 4th of july 2014, one direction on their WWA tour. it was a flaming hot day and in the middle of the concert, a thunderstorm passed by. right before it started raining they played Diana and the swiss directioners made this viral post that everyone should bring some soap bubbles to the show and blow them when they play Diana. I don’t know if you can imagine this, my fourteen year old self in an arena with 40′000 people singing along to that song, surrounded by thousands and thousands of soap bubbles. it was amazing and I will remember this moment for a really really long time. I’m so glad that I got the chance to make this experience without fearing for my life. I hope that you can have an experience as safe and amazing as mine as well. I’m truly shocked about what happened recently but I don’t think that this will ever bring true fans down. the power we get through it is bigger that every imaginable form of terrorism.

[humanseoul]

[freiraummensch]

ghost towns

life’s long gone, nothing left but thieves stealing my last breath children laying motionless on the ground there’s nothing more to be found

starving, sucking out that last drop i saw how they burnt down my crop living in flames of pain and despair missing the taste of sweet, fresh air

leaving a trace of desolation living among them all but still in isolation they lurk in the darkest corners only to gape at us mourners

their violence took my humanity in smoke there’s no space for vanity trying to make the best of it but they will just drop another bomb on it

[freiraummensch]

cigarette daydreams

it’s a rainy summer day, colder as usual. I sit on my bed with a cup of tea and listen to my vinyl collection. I smoke a cigarette, stare out the window, the raindrops are running down my face and so does my life. just running down an empty space. i feel like I need change. I need a huge change in my life, idk if it’s physically, like a new haircut or losing some weight or if it’s mentally. maybe I need to give my mind a make over, change my way of living, my way of thinking. I don’t know what it will be but I feel like I cannot go on like this for much longer. the song changes, cage the elephant are softly singing me into a melancholic but comfortable state of mind. as i sit there with smoke in my lungs, i start thinking about all the highly hypothetical scenarios I’d be going through if I changed certain things. some scare me, some make me feel anxious and some of them try to make me free. If i could only find that one reason to do that change, the change to find all the answers. 

[freiraummensch]

shame

i did it again. let the blood flow. why am i like this? i am so deeply ashamed of myself, i promised me and everybody else that i won’t do it again and here i am. i was clean for more than 6 months and now it hit me again. i don’t wanna fight it again, i just want it to stop. 

[coral]

People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help.

Glennon Doyle Melton, Carry on, Warrior (via feellng)

[freiraummensch]

tired

i’m tired of hiding my feelings and i’m tired of pretending i’m okay. i’m so tired of always being oppressed by someone i am not. i want to escape, run away and be a new me. i want to leave it all behind and forget the bad times. maybe going back to some lovely places and maybe see some new ones. i long to change something in my life but right now i don’t find the strength to do so.

[musicismybestfriend19]

Hatte ‘ne Weile Zeit zu lern’ zu akzeptieren, dass uns nix geblieben is’ außer 'nem Foto und 'n paar Songs - auch die werden an Wert verlier'n

Disarstar (via musicismybestfriend19)