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@fromonetopaddleboard
Sorry for the standstill, readers! We've all been overwhelmed at work recently, so the blog has suffered. We'll be back! In the interim, I received this.....and.....*dry heave*...ugh.
He even signed off with a 'Sincerely'. GAAAAAAAAAG. Is this life? Whyyyy???
Love, Ess
Dating Spree #3 - Fitness Guy in San Francisco
I've been a busy girl this week looking for my Paddleboard guy. For that guy who gives me butterflies. For that guy with the "Spark".
I met up with Fitness Guy in San Francisco on a Sunday afternoon. It was a perfect summer day, not a cloud in the sky and so many possibilities. Fitness Guy met me at the gate right as I was getting off the ferry (major points for being on time!!) and we decided to go on a search for a good place to have brunch, which we found just two blocks away. We were seated outside, next to the water, with a perfect view of the bay. We ordered mimosas and food and had the normal "first date" conversation about work and what we like to do for fun...etc.
He told me all about his fitness company he just started, which was cool, but I caught myself losing interest when he kept talking about the logistics of it. It was like he was trying to sell me something. I was like, "Thanks man, but I already have a gym..."
After brunch we walked over to Pier 39, checked out all the boats and talked about our bucket list. His consisted of traveling the world in one year. And while that sounds totally amazing and admirable, he didn't really seem to have a plan. What I thought was even crazier was that he kinda just wanted to wing it. Just go where the wind takes him. To some, that may seem adventurous and exciting. To me, that sounds risky and unorganized. I enjoy spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned. And that is where we disagreed on most things. I'm a planner by nature. I have a Plan A, B, and C... My type A personally just clashed a bit with his relaxed way of thinking. This was certainly not a deal breaker, but it was an interesting conversation.
After we basically agreed to disagree on certain topics, we ventured off on a search for ice cream. On the way we watched street performers and he even got tricked out of $100. Yup, he lost $100 in 5 seconds because he didn't guess which cup the tiny ball was in. Who bets $100 on the streets of San Francisco?! This guys does...! So when we finally found a Cold Stone's, I offered to buy him ice cream. We took our ice cream to a nearby beach and he asked me to list 3 things about myself that make me "awesome". Ummmm, what?! Way to put me on the spot, man! I don't even remember what I said, but I hope it made me sound awesome.
We talked about our childhoods and our family and our anxiety about turning 30 soon.
The final stop of our date was this fun restaurant where they serve alcoholic drinks in fishbowl-like glasses and delicious popcorn shrimp (OMG, for reals though, the shrimp!). We sat down and watched a jazz band go HAM (hard as a mother). It was the coolest thing ever! The lead singer was like Ray Charles, reincarnated, and there were a whole bunch of white girls trying to get all up on his business, seriously! I got to witness the true definition of "white Girl wasted". I was kind of impressed by their skills of backing it up and not spilling their drinks. Good job, ladies!
Finally, our date came to an end. He walked me back to the ferry gate and waited in line with me until we boarded. I thanked him for a great date, because really, it had been one of the best dates I'd ever been on!
We hugged and I went on the ferry, homeward bound.
I went straight to the deck and watched as San Francisco disappeared as we got further away. It was nice to be able to contemplate on the date and Fitness Guy. We got along so well (for the most part), and had a few things in common. We do live about 3 hours apart, so a second date may not be for a while. Overall, it was a fun experience. But the real question is, was there a spark, and the honest answer is, no. At least I didn't feel it in the 6+ hours we spent together.
But hey, There’s Always Next Time…Em
Em's Dating Spree #2 - Intern
Next up on my dating spree is my harvest intern from Spain. Lucky for me (and for him too, I suppose), he's currently living in the same town I am, so there was no need to travel far. We met up at a coffee shop downtown at noon. We had a coffee, chatted a bit, then decided to go out for a little wine tasting. Since he's a super newbie in the area, I decided to be nice and drive us to the winery. He was super impressed by my choice of winery (pat on the back for me!). We had a great conversation about wine and wine-making and all that good stuff (all in Spanish btw). Turns out he's a winemaker back at home, but a cellar hand at the winery he is interning at. We had a lot to talk about - wine, travel, family, future plans. It was pretty awesome!
After our tasting and walking around the winery, we decided to grab lunch. I asked him if he was in the mood for anything in particular. He then proceeds to tell me he's never tried Mexican food. Wait, what?! How!? NEVER!? Well, of course that had to change. I decided to go to a nearby Mexican restaurant and take his "Mexican food virginity".
We started off slow, with chips and pico de gallo. I didn't want to ruin his sensitive European taste buds right off the bat. Then we went crazy with spicy fajitas, beans, rice, sour cream and guacamole. I even showed him how to make a taco! I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a wild woman now!
After that, we said our good-byes and went our separate ways. I think I showed him a good time. He said he'd text me later to get a drink, so let's hope he does. Intern is only here until January 14, so i doubt this will be anything more than just a friendship, but that's totally cool!
He is certainly not my Paddleboard guy, but on the scale from one to Paddleboard, I give Intern a 3.6.
There’s Always Next Time…Em
Gee's Missed Connection
Gee here, I don't date. In fact, THIS is how I feel about it all.
I tried it recently with a guy I reconnected with after many years, let's call him Missed Connection. In the middle of a minor disagreement Missed Connection blurts out "I'm LETTING you go to Thailand!" I stared at him, mouth gaping, he turned to face the road and tried his damnedest to pretend it didn't happen...he knew what he did.
Let me explain: I had been planing my Thailand trip since before we went on our first date, with a friend I hadn't seen since college, he happened to be a male but our friendship is a purely platonic one. In fact this trip was one of the main points of conversation on a few of our dates. I like to travel and I like having friends to travel with so many of my travel plans go pretty much like this: Friend: Gee, I haven't seen you in forever! Gee: I know! But you make it hard to plan a visit since you change careers/countries every few months. Friend: I'm going to Thailand, wanna come?
Gee: YES. What days? I'm submitting a time off request now.
So, back to the story... I was very open about my relationship with said friend and Missed Connection had heard all about my travel plans. I pride myself in being open and I told him if he had any doubts or questions we could discuss them. He also knew I like to travel, I plan at least one big out of the country trip a year, it keeps me sane. But most of all he knew I don't like to be told what I can and can't do. I looked at him and said " You didn't LET me do anything, I TOLD you I was going to Thailand". He tried to apologize, but that's when I knew it wasn't going to work out.
Thanks to Missed Connection, I learned I'm not ready to dive into the online dating world right now, but I do have a knack for creating what I like to call "Strange Encounters" with the opposite sex. You never know what can happen, maybe one will lead down a new path.
To be continued...Gee
Cowboy Boots and Armpit - Time for some kink!
Ess here. Always here... Am I the only one here? Hello?
Okay, let's talk fetishes. Let's talk kink. Apparently I am a magnet for anything and everything sexual. Hey, I don't know you AT ALL, but of course, tell me about your deepest, darkest fantasies, and what you want to do to me. I am completely open to that, as evidenced by my having an online dating profile.
I am open to many things. I want to do many things. However, I want to do them when I am 1) attracted to someone, and 2) actually know a little something about that person. Men, chime in here - are women really giving you such encouragement, that you'll write whatever the f**k you want at all times, just to see if it lands? Ay ay ay. This new dating world gives me the creeps. And a headache.
Example time!! Wooohooooooo!
I went on one date with this guy, and it was nice. He was nice. Whatever. No real attraction though, and never any indication I wanted anything sexual. Normally I'm super flirty by nature, but I was reeling it in this time. Next day, I get this:
Wait, what? How did you come to this conclusion? Because I ate dinner in front of you?? So I stole from Secret Diary of a Call Girl (Thanks for the suggestion, J), and sent him this:
Does anyone get my sarcasm? Please tell me you did, dear reader.
For the love of....I can't even...let's finish this:
Ahhh, phew. He's not heartbroken over my lack of sexual foodie excitement. I mean, maybe I would be, IF I KNEW YOU!! Good lawd...
That was my evening.
This was my morning (preface: my profile picture features my lovely armpit). Also, enjoy the cute monsters...:
What is up with men unable to read my sarcasm??!!! I mean, who accepts a compliment on their armpit with such confidence? The apocalypse is nigh. Armpit continues:
Damn. First off, I'm ticklish as hell. Second, I sweat like a motherf**ker. Third, who wants a mouth full of deodorant? Whole new world, people.
He wrote more....so much more...I now know this complete stranger (WTF is his name?) had the best orgasm of his life when being tickled while masturbating. Thank you, Armpit, thank you for....something.
Oh boy. At least life is interesting, you know?
Love, Ess.
Em's Dating Spree Kickoff!
So I am officially back in the game! After sitting out for a few months, I've decided to go on a dating spree! Yes, I said it. A dating spree.
First up, Chef. This super nice guy from...a nearby city...with the aspiration to become a great chef and open his own restaurant some day. His other interests include watching scary movies, cooking for friends, going to concerts and karaoke. Yes, KARAOKE! He actually sang a little tune for me - I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf. (I mean, really??!) He was actually pretty good. Left me wondering what he would sound like in an actual karaoke bar with his friends cheering him on. There really is nothing wrong with this one, he was amazing compared to Abs Guy (ugh, shudder). But at the end of the day, there was just no spark. I didn't get excited when he texted me later that night, not even when he asked me for a second date. Maybe I will go out with him again, just to make sure. I don't know. I think (so far) on a scale from 1-Paddleboard, I'll give him a 3. It was all very nice, but a girl can't live without her spark.
There's Always Next Time...Em
Amirite?!
finally
For my girl, Gee.
The Brief Tale of Escort
Ess here, to fill you in on a wonderful little Tinder tidbit. I matched with this beautiful man this morning (I won't post his picture, but he was yummy), but in Paddleboard fashion, it was too good to be true. After exchanging numbers, and being told that he was a male escort, this conversation ensued:
Okay....thanks for the unwarranted abs pic. Seriously?!
Then I ask him to include his face, and this is what I get...
Not even close. Well, maybe if he got a face implant. And took a razor to the middle of his eyebrows, to go for a 'wavy' look. So to reiterate:
GAHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! Sweet Jesus, no. Not cool, Escort, not cool. Negative ranking.
Love, Ess.
Em's Intro/ Abs Guy
Here's a short synopsis of my recent dating experience. I was recently encouraged to embark on this online dating fiasco by a cousin of mine during a drunken conversation on New Year's Eve. Let's call her Mo. It basically went down like this...
Em: "Finding a living unicorn would be easier than finding a good guy in this area!"
Mo: "Well, are you putting yourself out there?"
Em: "WTF does that even mean!? No, I'm not walking around with a sign that says "Single, if interested inquire within"!
Mo: "Wait...What?"
Em: "Never mind. How does one go about "putting themselves out there?"
And then, she said the inevitable:
Mo: "Have you tried online dating?"
Em: UGH!!!
And from there, a profile was created, pictures were selected and I officially "put myself out there".
What was to come, would be a compilation of occasional fun texts and smiles, followed by confusion and frustration, which eventually would make me wonder why I put myself through this ridiculousness. But at least it always makes for some good stories.
Since then I've been on a total of 3 dates. I know what you're thinking, "3 dates in 8 months!? That's it!?". Yup, that's it! Dating is exhausting! And after the really bad ones, I just want to crawl under a blanket and never come out again. But I always resurface, so yay, me!
The date that kept me in the blankets and made me become a rolled up burrito of sadness for a while was with Abs Guy. I had a gut feeling as soon as I saw him. All those shirtless gym selfies are just not my style. My first impression was, "blah". But then I saw a picture of him with his mom. I am such a sucker for guys who are so close to their family. I said, Em, don't judge a book by its cover. So, when he wrote to me I decided to write back. The conversation was interesting and he seemed nice. So we exchanged numbers and set a date to meet.
There were so many signs that said, do not do this, stay home! Like when he almost cancelled on me, but then didn't. When he was an hour late, which allowed me some time to read my kindle in my car, and when he decided that it was cool to chug wine. In a nut shell, Abs Guy got hammered off some Chardonnay, followed by some Pinot Noir, then proceeded to try to attack my face with his face. He even asked me what hotel I would like to stay at because he was too drunk to drive home. When I let him know that I was not interested in staying in a hotel with him, I immediately texted my sister to call me with an "emergency". She called, and I said something had happened and I needed to go. He was not a happy camper. As he walked me to my car, he showed me how he could perform pull-ups on a stop sign and tried to get me to touch his abs. I couldn't get in my car fast enough! THE TRAUMA WAS REAL!!
On a scale from 1-Paddleboard, Abs Guy was a 1. (He wouldn't have even broke into the scale, but he did pay, so 1 it is). Moral of the story, always follow your gut feeling. Not the abs. Ugh.
I am still on the lookout for my Paddleboard Guy...Stay tuned!
There's always next time...Em.
I cannot date you in those pointy cowboy boots, clacking on the tile floor....
Ess' brain
What does it all mean?
Last week (at the time of this blog creation), Ess (yeah, I'm writing in third person) found herself texting with a random stranger. How did this come about? Well, per usual, she was on one of those dating sites, and a fella decided to give her the wrong phone number…because that’s not ridiculous. So she sent this guy a couple pictures and a note, and got a reply to the effect of - you have the wrong number. It should’ve ended there, oh yes, but no - Ess and her lovely stranger texted all day long and ended up meeting that night. During the process of their date, Ess was kissed by said stranger, and it was like she was floating away, high, melting….needless to say, BEST KISS EVER. Now, one week later, lovely stranger has all but disappeared from Ess’ life, but not from her memory. We’ve coined the name Paddleboard, because of his love of the SUP sport. And here we are ladies and gents - Ess cannot ever find happiness because Paddleboard ruined it for all other guys. A-hole. ;) We’ve created the One to Paddleboard ranking system to help us weed through the rest. Maybe there will be an eclipse someday….
