Promise.

They say a writer lives a thousand lives, if that's true I want to live a thousand of them writing about you. 25

[frozenheartedgirl]

Oh my! How my brain rots with every thought, the darkness grows what’s the opposite of this power in my Plutonian spirit, it must be a fire lit in my soul to cast light onto the shadows uncovering a hurt child crying out to be loved. The tantrum she throws knowing yet again love has abandoned her, oh my let the warmth from this fire be a reminder of the love you came into this world with. Craddled in your mothers arms as an unconditional promise that every breath you take love you will inhale when did the darkness want for more? Was a mothers love not enough, a fathers, sisters? Did the darkness sprout out of jealousy or did it sprout out of a void of love for self not finding the worth besides being apart of the family. Oh how my spirit is both light and dark needing constant reminders that power is just ego begging to be loved. -frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

I have found something rare that could not have resided inside me without the fall from heaven into reality. The impact cracked my bones and shattered my glass heart, it opened up letting all the false love escape me, lying in the dirt alone under pale moonlight did I feel my ego die. The only thing I stood on was our love, and when it was gone there was nothing left to keep me standing tall. In my bones and my scorned heart the ego screamed out, a parasite escaping the wreckage searching for its next victim for I was too broken to inhabit my core rotten. Under la luna all alone I began to heal, I found solace in her grace as I watched her face change. There was something reflecting in the ash of my soul a gleaming gem that could only be found through the fall, it showed me a new love my own reflection. Nothing could craft this without the break, this whole time my love was mine all mine and nothing in the world belongs to me but my love.

“my love is mine all mine”- frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

To her I speak my honored truth. There’s nothing I desire more than to not take a single bit of her light for granted, but to become a face worthy of reflecting back to her. May she choose in every moment of her existence to honor her self love maintaining an unconditional iridescent force shining down onto earth. I will never understand myself as thoroughly as she does, her existence is the definition of vulnerability, I am simply an object in orbit creating a path enshrined with a cadenced melody. The song I know to sing is the one that results from basking in her moonlight. I want for nothing from you my dear, I apologize for the times I’ve wished upon you not understanding truly what I desired. I promise under this night as you close out this cycle of us, I will be present and will love myself in the way that carves out the shape of my soul just to mold me around your image as that reflection is my authentic self. Thank you lover for the nights you’ve held my secrets never has anyone been able to calm the storm inside me and bring light into the darkness. You’ve saved me by fueling my strength to save myself and in that there is nothing more pure that can exhibit unconditional love.

[frozenheartedgirl]

I claw at my mind my nails dirty with thoughts that relive in my head words that you sent reminding me of the absolute monster that lives inside me. I thought I was full of light and love you brought it out, but the void you left behind when your love ran out morphed my heart into a wretched being lashing out manipulating moments for little truths. You hurt me and push and pulled at my heart playing with my mind and as a result I the being I am is what you brought out no other circumstance could craft this. My mind was drunk my words were fucked, and I told you dangerous things I promised I never would act. The ugliness of heartbreak on my soul is stained I can never undo what has been said, what I have done, Nor can you ever grasp how you drove me to my breaking point by telling me things I wanted to hear but acting colder than anyone I’ve ever met. You make I love you seem hollow now and all that’s left is darkness to fill the void. Please make this stop, I promise I loved you, I promise.

[frozenheartedgirl]

“It’s a lonely exsistence to feel a constant longing oh how it produces my manic self with no escape from the past and no security in the future. I am but an eclipsed soul with no place to shine, I am the dark I fear the most.”

[frozenheartedgirl]

Oh my! How my brain rots with every thought, the darkness grows what’s the opposite of this power in my Plutonian spirit, it must be a fire lit in my soul to cast light onto the shadows uncovering a hurt child crying out to be loved. The tantrum she throws knowing yet again love has abandoned her, oh my let the warmth from this fire be a reminder of the love you came into this world with. Craddled in your mothers arms as an unconditional promise that every breath you take love you will inhale when did the darkness want for more? Was a mothers love not enough, a fathers, sisters? Did the darkness sprout out of jealousy or did it sprout out of a void of love for self not finding the worth besides being apart of the family. Oh how my spirit is both light and dark needing constant reminders that power is just ego begging to be loved. -frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

I could bear through any winter,

Tread through any thorns, withstand every single storm knowing It’d lead me to her,

Who she is has always been a mystery,

Where she is has never been known.

The only thing I have is the compass in my chest, my intuition guides me alone.

I have withstood the fire and grown in the ash sprouting roses in my bones and thorns in my flesh.

I drown in the idea of her having faith that she must return for all lives make me believe my spiritual being is meant for me, but my vessel is meant for her.

I swear in this life I will find you again, I swear I will stay true to the life I have always lead,

I do not yearn for just any love, I do not live in loneliness , I only desire for her to be returned to me again.

- frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

If I ever could feel your heart, I know I’d be scarred. I’d find the vacancy of love you had towards me a mirror of yourself, for you do care about me I will not be so self deprecating to deny that, but you yourself do not know your own selfishness. You loved the way I loved you, but not once did you love me enough to hold a piece of my soul that did not reflect your face and commit to it. Your words of declaration were to coax the anguish of yourself, your looks of adoration were to escape your own personal hell, your sacred vows sunk their teeth into my heart just to see how much love you could draw out. In the end you drained it til you were so full, but yet your own soul still called out in anguish seeing your own face in the empty reflection, my love was never enough to satisfy your hunger for acceptance. I was left with an empty heart clinging to the familiar pain I knew all too well. It happened again, another girl with a troubled soul using me as a vessel for her own escape and my love as a lifeline. I knew this cycle needed to break the way I had my own desire to be the one to be loved by the healed version of yourself, but now I know not to be deceived by beautiful vampires. They offer an eternity in my eyes but in the end sink their fangs so far in they believe that is an eternal love, I am a mere mortal with a desire to love for an eternity and my blood is the nectar of the heavenly.

- “Nectar” frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

"The first breath of pain felt like eons away, but also so close that the scathing of memory would cut the space completely bleeding the familiar ache back into my heart again. This time you sent a memory between us, one so precious I could still feel my hands supporting you and the ache came back but now feeling closed. Finally, I didn’t bleed at the thought of that being the last moment we could make together, I knew that the love I have for you is unconditional, knowing that in every moment I think of you from now on will be nothing but a wish of your happiness at the pure love I have in my heart for you. I kept my promise through it all that I will always love you unconditionally."

- I would do anything whatever she wants, whatever she wants. 

[frozenheartedgirl]

vol. 1

In the deep caverns of my heart the pull for her is always there, the anonymous power of her existence is something I am always searching for. The desire for my soul to be drawn to another is rare, but when it gets triggered I cannot think of anything else than my way towards them. I had a random dream about her, and in my dream, I felt my heart and soul awaken, it had been months since it even felt placed in my chest. It was almost a sign I felt from the universe and god that this idea would be placed in my head and heart purposely, I hoped that this time I’d have the courage to follow it and the resilience to bear it. I am terrified at the immediate desire of this romantic grandiose god-ordained gesture would be the start. I am not sure if I searching or chasing too much, but also the universe rewards action, and sitting back and waiting had never worked before, not until I pursued it I thought that maybe this is a test of my resolve and inner strength to break outside my comfort zone and be confident in my self by trusting an intuitive guide.

-"Start of Something New"

[frozenheartedgirl]

The bridge within my soul and heart rots away, there is a pain so dense deep in my heart I feel like im dying. I wake up in a cold sweat of a delusional dream that never comes, shackled by anxiety that attacks my soul. I feel infested as if the sadness and nerves are full of lead, sinking me down wishing my heart never loved so deeply in the first place. I am so broken, I search for my peace but it was always you, now you are chaos.

The Aftermath

-frozenheartedgirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

I’ve felt myself peeling away layers that have been constructed identities of my past

Who am I if not perceived, that by my own self reflection.

For so long I’ve been a chameleon blending into the crowds and energy afraid of the harsh reality of my unknown self

My soul seemed to have set in my chest as an intuitive guide when everything else failed to make sense, it was my safety net of an identity I could cling onto.

Now my chest feels vacant, my body, mind, and spirit scattered from any proof a soul was there in the first place.

My once intuitive self and receptive behavior seemed to disappear.

Who am I if not perceived, those projections others described me as was how I navigated my own self, but now I am failing to grasp who I even am.

Who am I?

In life to prevent this tragic loss of self I vowed to always do things genuinely, somewhere I broke it.

My once promises I made as scars on my soul broken, as a result so am I.

I want to go back, even if I didn’t know who I was at least I was able to have a guide.

I know what I must do is transform completely and start from these lessons to build up but the end goal is obselete and my vision dizzying

Then-now, I must live in the now.

The only steps I can take are the ones to the short term goals and promises I make for myself now.

I just hope that along the way trails of my broken spirit turn to dust and reform back into my chest.

“Cycles”

-FrozenHeartedGirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

“I want to say it.” she said, hiding her blush and shifting her eyes towards mine. I know what she wanted to tell me, it’s something that I haven’t felt in awhile. My heart filled with anxiety not knowing if my heart could feel the same way again. Knowing that out of anyone she’d be the one who could heal it, as now the frozen layer around my heart melted away with every second in her presence.

“Do me a favor before you do?”

“Anything.”

“Tell me not as a declaration, but as an oath. Those who’ve said it in the past have also been the ones to leave and let go of it. I say it as an oath, a promise to always fight to remember this feeling, to cultivate it between us as something long lasting. The only way I know how to love is unconditionally and infinitely.”

She climbed into my lap and put her hands around my face staring into my eyes.

“I love you.”

- Trust

[frozenheartedgirl]

“You use to be my peace, now you are my anguish. I lie in our dead love you decided was done, my body covered in broken dreams and promise. This is my ultimate fear coming true, this is my living nightmare. Enduring your distance and distaste, watching you leave our love as easily as you found it. The pit in my heart grows dense for the way your grows fuller now meeting your next soulmate. You moved on so fast for someone who promised me a forever, you wanted to be my wife, bear my kids, live and grow with me. You told me these things, now you dream them with him. How do I trust love again? How do I love again?”

-Broken Promises

[frozenheartedgirl]

She left me. I was hoping for once I wouldn’t go through this again but I have. The whole time I poured my soul into her the anxiety of this possible outcome and future crept into my heart, it shut off my intuition for so long. The feeling of love at first sight could’ve been a warning, the way she brought me to cold sweats and racing heart was my fight or flight response being triggered. It’s devastating to say that love was not enough, I knew it wasn’t. I thought I learnt my lesson before, but I was hoping this time it’d be different. That this time I could be the future we dreamt about, I could be the one who got to be with her when she reclaimed her soul. I am crushed, but I know I deserve more. I wanted to believe in love and in her, but those beliefs led to myself standing alone begging to be worth the doubt. I hope I’ll find the girl who’ll make me feel everything I’ve always wanted, because my god I promise you’ll never meet anyone who loves harder.

[frozenheartedgirl]

My soul is gone. My heart, I feel myself sinking into the crypt struggling suffocating to get out. When did this happen? When did I start to feel like this in a point of life where it should be exciting it is anxiety and a bloodbath inside. Who am I? Who have I been? I have zero idea. Everyone around me has given me praise for being a person full of light and love. I’m a servant and a master. I have the ability to command a situation and within that ability I serve it sacrificing a piece of myself to accomplish it. Who the hell am I? I’m starting to think I don’t have favorites, I don’t have wants, I just have a desire to float away from all of life’s harsh realities not because I want to run, but because I don’t know how to fight for something I have no want for. I am an empty wish of my past that failed to come true, and I am so sorry.

Empty wishes

-FrozenHeartedGirl

[frozenheartedgirl]

I bathe in her presence as my soul comes undone. Every moment with her is a chance to make up for lost time prior to her entry in my life, nine months of our souls acclimating to eachother again and in that time I’ve felt warmth seep into the depths of my universe washing away the poison in my head. She is slowly bringing me back to who I was born to be, my spirit is lighter and my love is softer. In return I help put out her fires and dust the ash off the most beautiful parts of her soul. Our growth is love and our love grows.

-StarDust

Frozenheartedgirl