Hell yes, A NEW CHAPTER FINALLY
To everyone who is still reading , thank you so much ! I know it has been a while but Iāll update more frequently now. Thereās no John in this chapter but heāll be back soon, I promise <3 Enjoy and leave some feedback to keep me motivated :)
ā No itās fine really. I dont need to talk right now or anything. I just want to take a shower and sleep and forgett about everything for a whileā While you speak these words your best friend Rony looks at you with a worried expression on her face , knowing that the Jolene shes been a friend to for over 12 years is again just trying to run away and surpress her sadness and anger just to hurt herself once again even more.
After a last minute flight from west to east coast and feeling trapped inside a plane packed with just all of the very few things you owned, you made it to New York City and got picked up at the airport by your best friend Rony who moved to new York to start a carreer as a designer here.
ā Joleneā¦ what the hell hapened? Just talk to me for a minute. I meanā¦ YOu called me this morning sounding like you were actually panicing and 8 hours later youre standing in my aparement, looking like Ozzy Ozbourne from the mascara dried all over your cheeks. I mean I get that you want to sleep but so do I ā the thing is knowing my best friend must have gone through some insan shit to step into a plane to travel to New York so fast must be serious. Just give me a hint at least.ā
You sob again and wipe away some fresh tears coming from your eyes. All you see in your head is John standing in front of you in that supermarket , mumbling, stuttering, but really ā not saying anything that could help you cope with that feeling of being left, of being ānot enoughā Ā of beingā¦ just something that could Ā be replaced by something better anytime.
āwellā¦itās justā¦ John and I broke upā¦ā āWaitā¦you mean THAT John? John Frusciante eh? The time you were at the hospital we didnt really have a lot of contact and that time was a mess here too, moving from california to NYC is hell, ā¦ Im sorry I wasnt there enough for you! But i did get your letters and well, Kevin used to listen tot he Red Hot Chili Ā Peppers a lot so of course that name wasnt a strange one to me. Oh man, Jolene had tu bump into a lost rockstar for sureā¦ā ā yeahā¦ I wish I hadnātā¦ā āDid he do anything bad to you?ā āNo,ā¦I mean Rony Iā¦ I was seriously so in love with him, the time we spent together in rehab felt like a dream. The both of us got better and the more time we spent, the more it felt like we didnt really need there bad, self destructive habbits anymore. It was unsure how our relationship would go on after our treatment there but at that point, it felt like it was sure weād stay togehterā¦.andā¦ā You start crying again as you think of John hugging you and kissing you when you first met again with Flea down at Venice Beach. ā well, through all the time I thought we could be together and I had finally found someone to be with, to look after me, someone I could be the center of his life for butā¦.ā āWait Jolene. Stop for a second. He is John Frusicante. And well, we all must have heard the news by now, heās back in the band and theyāll have a big comeback later this year. I know how much youāre longing for that one person centering his life around you but I dont think that would be a healthy relationship for either the two of you andā¦ it definitely wont be a rockstar on the riseā¦ā You see your tears fall onto the wooden floor of Ronys flat while hearing her words. Of course. Sure she was right. That childish naive wish of being the reason for someone being alive was just irrational and impossible to be true. Yet you had been holding on to it for so long. Maybe because for you, many times in your life you didnt feel like you wanted to be alive ā you just kept on existing for other people.
Ā āHeyā¦Ill make us some ginseng tea and weāll sit down on the couch and talk for a bit. I understand that youāre feeling a lot of pain right now. You feel left behind and like you were not worthy enough to someone you loved to let you stay the one thing with the highest priority in his life. At least you think and feel like that. But come on. Youāve learned a lot in therapy. Your habbit of seeing everything in either black and white, the fact that youre always clinging onto a person you love and never want to let them go, make your whole life depend on them like theyāre godā¦ We both know where these feelings and behaviours come from, right?
āAre you talking about thatā¦ Borderline Personality Disorder I got diagnozed with?ā āWe both know. Look, I cant fully understand what ist like to be you, with that mindset of yours. I dont know what its like to feel all these waves of anxiety about being left alone and not good enough to be loved. But these things combined with that strong sense of envy you get everytime someone does not pay all their attention to you will make you unable to have a happy relationship forever. I dont know the full story, but seen from a rational point I think ist great that John joined the band again. You told me in your letters how passionate he looked when he was playing guitar. You wrote in one of your letters that it seemed like he was drifting into another dimension while playing for you. And now that man has made it to recover fully. Heās back in his band and can do what he loves the most. Isnt that something you would wish for him if you really loved him?ā
Ā All the while Rony was speaking to you, you couldnt say anyhting. She was so right. Your head always kept messing with you. Growing up with abusive and alcoholic parents that never showed you even a little hint of love you kept searching for that love in every relationship you ever had- clinging onto your partner, manipulating him and controling him to make sure he couldnāt leave ā and of course, these things would always make you end up alone.
Ā āDid John have the chance to say anything about this? I mean If you spent some time togehter before you all of a sudden descided to come here, he sure must have had an own point of view about the whole thing?ā Ā āyeahā¦ heā¦He tried to speak but I wouldnt let him.. I just ran..away..ā
Rony facepalmed herself. ā Thats so classic you. I love you, youāre my best friend . But not giving him a chance to speak,not fair.ā
It hurt to talk to Rony about all of this because it made you realize that you overreacted in an irreversible way. Looking back now, your reaction was far away from any logical, ratioanal thing to do and just a typical , impulsive and panic āsolutionā to a problem that you had made out in your head.
Ā āWe cant do much about all of this now Jolene. Im glad you descided to come here instead of doing some bad shit to yourself again. Kevin and I broke up so thereās one room free here. If you can help me with the rent you can stay as long as you want.ā āwow, i Have like no money at all at the momentā āyeah.. youāre in new york. Weāll get you a job somehwere. Weāll get through this.ā
Ā As you lay down in the bed Rony had prepared for you , your best friend sits down on your bed for moment again looking at you āHeads up girl. We got this.ā ā Do youā¦.do you think John and I will ever meet again? It feels wrong seeing it end like that butā¦ā āHeās a rockstar. I guess youāll just have to turn on your TVā āThats not what I meantā¦ā āI know you idiot.ā Rony laughs, but imideatly realizes that jokes are no good idea right now.
Ā ā I hope you can maybe meet again. But for now, let time pass. Youāre in New York now and he is in California. Maybe you should give up these california dreams for now. Weāll find you a job and maybe a good therapist. And thats really all that matters now. You, being okay.ā
Ā Before You fall asleep you keep on seeng John in your head. The shock in his eyes. Like he knew how much heād hurt you. Looking back now,it didnt seem like he looked like he got ācaughtā but more like he was worried about you and how seeing his face on that magazine would make you feel. And the moment he tried to say somethingā¦you just cut him off. You didnt give hime a chance to speakā¦. What if.. what could have beenā¦.
Ā No. Give up your california dreaming for now, Jolene.
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