I'll Make a Man out of You

AJ. He/Him. This is a space for me to explore my personal gender identity and to document my journey.

[crowwolf8]

To me you're a cis boy with an innie peni and an unfortunate case of Gynecomastia

💀💀 thanks man

[mintgreen-homewrecker]

can we stop this narrative that all trans men were tomboys/into boy things?

and I'm not even talking about the trans men that are into "feminine" things necessarily

what about the trans man that realizes later in life that he missed out on a childhood they didn't know he was missing back then

the trans man who thought for a bulk of hiis teen years that he had a "not like other girls" type of internalizer sexism and tried to "fix" it by trying to become "more attuned to womanhood"

the trans man who becomes so dissociated from their bodies he can't feel his dysphoria because his body doesn't feel like its his in the first place

the trans man who didn't want to accept that he is, because he felt like he could make a good woman and be happy with it if he tried just a little bit harder

not every trans man has an inherent and clear sense of his identity

[femaletohimbo]

[knitmeapony]

These posts are cousins to me.

[cognitohazardous]

at the mariners bar: sorry mates i cant go out today.. My boat's transmasc now. He's more comfortable with he/him. He just went through top surgery to get his sails removed and he's recovering. Bluebeard-and-Pronouns the woke pirate: arrg so he's gotten a mastectomy. well i'm glad that he's discovered himself.

[ryan-sometimes]

LMAOOOO

[boy-gender]

To all the trans people who see this tonight, no matter what happens, we will survive. Trans people will still be here 4 years from now and 10 years from now and 100 years from now and tomorrow. We have always existed and we always will. The world cannot unlearn about us; we are too public, too loud, too beloved, too present. Ill be here tomorrow. Please stay here with me.

[ftmazing]

4 months update!

Nothing major has changed, but I have noticed some minor differences in the last week or so.

I didn't think my voice had changed that much, but it has definitely dropped when compared to the video I took last month, yay!

New body hair. Some is darker, some places getting thicker. NOW we get the ass hair. Leg hair is getting thicker and curlier. Hairline is changing a little. Very subtle, but it's fun to see. No new chest hair, though, which I'm actually happy about for the moment. I love the hair, but not what it's on and it was creating more of an issue than I anticipated.

Skin texture has changed some, I can feel it getting thicker. Sensation has also changed, although marginally. But fabric that used to be a sensory nightmare doesn't immediately cause anger. And I feel like it takes more pressure to actually feel things. Like, it doesn't sting as bad when I inevitably run into the corners of walls or tables.

Hand veins are starting to pop out a little more. Nail beds are starting to get a little more square, which is a relief. I might be able to paint my nails again without dysphoria sometimes soon!

Muscle growth has continued despite little effort. I've definitely got more tone, and actually a little definition in my arms. Thighs are leaner/more muscular. I've definitely noticed it being easier to lift things, and I don't get winded as quickly when carrying heavy things.

Bottom growth continues, but slower. I'm still surprised by the fact that my chest dysphoria got worse and my bottom dysphoria lessened. I expected it to be the other way around.

T levels were this month, everything is looking good so far!

[ftmazing]

3 months update

Facial hair is coming in strong. Even the hair that isn't darker has gotten thicker. I even have hair darkening on my cheek bones. Chest hair is getting darker. SO MICH BACK HAIR. No ass hair yet, so that's something.

My arm muscles are starting to have some more time and definition, despite not working out. Which, oddly enough, had led me to start doing some bodyweight exercises at home. I never wanted to work out before because I felt like it would just make me look more feminine.

I also fatigue less easily. And I feel like I can lift things a little easier. Just overall a little stronger.

Body weight has started to redistribute. Lost some fat in my chest and butt, gained some fat in my belly. I don't hate it.

My jawline has changed. I can feel the muscles in my jaw growing.

Voice is continuing to drop. I'm still having to consciously lower my voice sometimes. If I don't my vocal cords get a little sore after a while. I can also avoid the voice cracks if I'm conscious about how I'm talking.

Bottom growth is still happening, but slower. So much more sensitive. All of my skin and body feel a little more sensitive tbh. It can be a little overwhelming, but not always in a bad way.

Emotionally, thank the GODS for T, honestly. With everything that's happened around the time I started. I don't think I would've been able to handle it. I still feel emotions, but they don't control me. They don't incapacitate me like they did. I don't feel that burning behind my eyes when I get sad or angry. I don't feel numb, just more even I guess. I'm very happy about that.

[ftmazing]

7 Week Update

I'm finally noticing more changes than just my voice.

I'm starting to get darker chest hair, which has its pros and cons. It's definitely making my chest dysphoria worse. But CHEST HAIR, ya know?

Facial hair is definitely getting thicker and darker. I wanna say there are more hairs popping up, but I'm not sure if that's true or just wishful thinking. It is definitely itchy, though. Even my eyebrows and eyelashes seem to be thicker, which caught me by surprise.

Acne is definitely worse on my face, but not unmanageable, mostly just on my chin. I think it's a combo of slightly oilier skin, me touching my face more to constantly check for beard growth, and wearing a mask at work still.

Sex drive is def up, which I did not expect for some reason. I've never really experienced sexual attraction to anyone, but I'm starting to somewhat now. Which is a very interesting experience. Bottom growth has also surprised me, I didn't expect anything this soon. It was the one effect I wasn't particularly looking forward to, but I haven't hated it as much as I thought I would. It was literally the second thing I noted, after my voice. And whenever anyone asks, "Have you noticed any other changes?" it has taken all of my mental strength to not respond, "Oh, yeah, I'm growing a dick." Not very professional lol.

Emotions have changed. I feel things less intensely, and not for as long. Also surprising, but very welcome. I feel like I'm able to actually feel emotions without them being completely overwhelming and just shutting down. I was afraid of roid rage, and I definitely have a shorter fuse the day before and the day of my shot, but that's not been an issue.

I sometimes think my face has started to change shape a little, but again, that's probably just wishful thinking. I still don't love my reflection, but it's getting there.

[ftmazing]

Today, I found out my therapist no longer takes my insurance. AND I owe full price, out-of-pocket for the last two sessions(it's not her fault, we're both sad that we cannot continue working together). I didn't even get to say goodbye, just a few emails terminating what has been the best therapist I have had. I am so incredibly sad. And frustrated about having to start over.

I found that my insurance also denied my second claim for my T appointment. So now I have to dispute that one, as well. Another six weeks of limbo, not knowing how much money I owe. And just straight up not having it.

I'm not sure if the universe it trying to clear things out to make room for something better, or what. But it sure feels like I'm being punished for finally starting T. Everytime I start to actually feel happiness, and not like I'm just going through the motions, I lose something else.

[ftmazing]

It's been a whole month! And I need a haircut 😅

[homunculus-argument]

Trans-inclusive gender-neutral anatomy talk is funny because it makes the human body sound so casual and recreational. "If you happen to have a dick" like one would happen to have a bag of golf clubs somewhere around here. Like you have one of those for hobby purposes or something. Got an uterus because it came with the house and you haven't gotten around to hiring a professional to get that removed.

[zeitghost]

[ordering from a new york city deli]

hi, um, can i get a man?

yeah, man, awright. tits or no tits?

no tits. and, uh, hold the top surgery scars.

hold the- AY TONY! WE GOT A MAN WITH NO TOP SURGERY SCARS?

[voice from back] A MAN WITH TITS?

NAH, NO TITS, NO SCARS.

[voice from back] NO TITS AND NO SCARS? WHAT IS THIS GUY, FUCKIN’ STUPID?

YOU HEARD TONY GO GET OUTTA LINE

[ftmazing]

Grandma finally found the letter today, a week later. She was so kind and loving. She just kept saying, "I just want you to be happy. And if this is what makes you happy then go for it." Such an opposite reaction to my mother.

I'm relieved that it was a non-issue. But I'm grieving the time I've lost waiting to tell her.

[ftmazing]

I left a coming out letter for my grandma at her house tonight. She's the last family member I am nervous to come out to. Now to wait.

[tropipopbf]

I haven't been swimming in years since I transitioned and I miss it so much. I used to love it so much but dysphoria changed me so much that I always had to completely cover my body up to avoid anxiety and crushing self consciousness. I hope one day I can go swimming again, with scars on my flat chest, as a man