EVERYONE SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILYAAAAA (I think as a treat he can have one cig)
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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One Nice Bug Per Day
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@fuuuckwhoknows
EVERYONE SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILYAAAAA (I think as a treat he can have one cig)
Click for better quality PLSSS YO
wound dressings and bandages are lingerie for the enlightened pervert
Ilya on Twitter, so proud, after Shane scores a hat-trick: Did you all see my husband? đâđâđâ
Certified husband guy Ilya Rozanov after someone calls him a cocksucker on the ice: Have you seen my husband? Yes, I suck his cock. So sad for you that you will never get to.
Ilya Rozanov, showing up late to a gala after his husband, Shane Hollander, was away for some commercial shoot and he didn't get to see him before the event, looking genuinely frantic: Have you seen my husband anywhere??
Ilya out for lunch with Shane, when the bill comes along: Oh, my rich hockey player husband will take care of that.
Ilya Rozanov, drunk out of his mind at his husband-mandated night out with Cliff (because he needs the enrichment), not so gently turning down some woman who's blatantly flirting with him: Do you even know who my husband is???
Ilya "Down Atrocious" Hollander-Rozanov when one of Shane's commercials plays at Monk's after a game: Everyone shut up! My husband is on TV!
whenever ilya gets too drunk people call shane. shane comes in and nudges ilya and ilya drapes himself onto shane and looks at him all dopey.
âyou are hereâ âof course i amâ âshane hollander is taking me homeâ âshane hollander-rozanov is taking you homeâ âshane hollander takes my last nameâ âyes he did. do you want to come home with him?â âiâll go anywhere shane hollander goesâ âokay then letâs go home babyâ
ilya drunkenly smiles and babbles to anyone that listens that his husband is taking him home. his husband shane hollander-rozanov. did he mention shane was his husband? did he mention shane took his last name? and shane would find it cute if ilya wasnât wiggling all over the place and make it very difficult for him to take home.
a hollanov video goes viral and itâs filmed by a pedestrian where shane was carrying two grocery bags while ilya walked behind him trying to grab one of the bags but shane kept moving it out of his grasp and they appeared to have a very heated argument. and then suddenly shane moved one bag to the other hand and grabbed ilyaâs hand and dragged him along. they appeared to still be arguing but ilya had stopped trying to steal one of the grocery bags.
anyway the internet was cackling tf up and calling ilya shaneâs princess and making memes about his grabby hands. ilyaâs pouting to shane about it, who kisses his pout and says, âwell everyone knows you have a husband who spoils you and takes care of you, is that so bad?â and ilya begrudgingly says âno, it is not.â âokay then.â
interviewer: ilya rozanov, do you have any comment on the alleged homophobic comments targeting you in todayâs game?
ilya: if they could just put their minds off where i put my dick and into where i put the puck, maybe they would notice that it is going into the goal
interviewer: shane hollander, do you have any comment on your husband and captainâs rather coarse language?
shane: is he wrong?
i think after theyâre married shane and ilya fight in a weird way like they could be seething but will still sit next to eachother, they could be at a standstill and still makeout a little, or they could be at the point of âi canât even look at you right nowâ and hug because you donât have to look at eachother but itâs grounding for them both.
theyâre fighting and shaneâs so angry heâs shaking and heâs hyperventilating a little bit and ilyaâs so mad at him right now he canât even look at shane but he can feel shane vibrating and his heartbeat quickening so he marches over, eyes to the floor and pulls shane into a crushing hug and he can feel shane melting in his arms and his heart slows down and heâs no longer shaking and the mere thought of still being able to calm shane warms ilya heart. and he hears shane mumbling âiâm still mad at you by the way.â âok. iâm still mad at you too.â âthank you though. i needed it.â âme too.â
Stupidest arguments the Hollanovs have gotten into since their gay shotgun wedding (The shotgun in this case being not an unplanned pregnancy, but medical power of attorney):
- How the word 'Ibiza' is pronounced
- Whether or not silicone-based lubricant counts as a liquid vis a vis CATSA regulations
- Whether or not it is acceptable for Ilya to free up suitcase space by not packing underwear
- A recurring argument that is now simply known as the Skin Cancer Fight, which resulted in the purchase of four different bottles of sunscreen.
- Ilya wants to wear coordinating outfits so that they can do the Pink and White fit check TikTok meme. Shane tells him with his mouth that this is stupid and secretly wants to do it so badly that he emails his stylist from 2017.
- No Ilya Anya cannot come to Spain (x8)
- Ilya hides Shane's neck pillow because he wants Shane to use him as a pillow. Shane buys a new one at the airport and Ilya doesn't speak to him for an hour (Gives up eventually because he's bored.)
- "Hollander, I don't think CATSA will care enough to search your bag unless the butt plug is shaped like bomb--" "Ilya you can't say that word in a fucking airport--"
- Flavor of gum to chew to make their ears pop on the plane.
- Ilya spends the entire month pre-honeymoon on a relentless campaign to convince Shane to join the mile high club. Shane ducks and weaves like his fucking life depends on it until they get into a whisper-shout argument about it on Shane's parents' back porch the night before they leave. Argument ends when Shane snaps, "Of course I think it would be hot!" and Ilya laughs for so long he has to sit down.
- Does a very quick and silent handjob underneath a blanket in the back row of first class count as joining the mile high club? A debate that gives them a good hour of entertainment.
- Shane does not want to go to a nude beach. Ilya thinks that this is because he's a prude (he's fucking not) and they argue about that (He undresses in front of twenty other guys for a living Ilya.) until Shane admits that he's worried about how jealous it will make him when Ilya's insane ass is inevitably the star of the show on the gay nude beach.
- "I did not think you noticed these things, lyubimyy." "Fuck you, I may be a bottom but I'm still a man and I'm not fucking blind--" (New Argument+)
- "How was I supposed to know that hair mousse counts as liquid?? Is not liquid when it comes out! Is mousse."
- Argument that is triggered when Shane realizes that Ilya has been keeping him occupied with stupid silly spats so that he doesn't make himself insane with anxiety over the continued fallout from events pre-wedding until they are in a private villa on the Mediterranean Sea about a million miles from anyone who cares about hockey.
- "Ahh so this is why they call it honeymoon. Because you are sweet like honey and you are showing me your--" [Long, muffled groan]
Ilya is chronically online so of course he saw this trend on tiktok and it's ridiculous and a bit cheesy but despite himself he has to snort in amusement whenever he sees another video of it. he knows the exasperated look Shane will give him and that alone is reason enough to try it out.
it's too easy really, the next time they go shopping (yes, occasionally these divas go shopping especially since Shane found comfort in a better style), Shane instinctively grabs one bag after the other form the cashiers. they walk through the streets vaguely back to their car but Ilya really is in a splurging mood and gets more and more bags with toys for Anya, a new watch he will never wear, a hair care gift set for Sveta, you name it. each bag he presses into Shane's already full hands and dashes off to find another thing to buy and hand over to his dutiful husband.
as usual when they are out in the city, Shane doesn't say much. he doesn't complain about the 15th bag to hold, he just takes it with a stern face and an increasing eagerness to get back to the car.
Ilya falls a few steps behind, stealthily starts recording a video of Shane marching infront of him, packed like a mule. Ilya manages to sound relatively miserable when he finally asks: "Solnyshko, why are you not holding my hand right now?"
Shane immediately stops in his tracks to turn around, Ilya is so ready to get laserbeamed with the hollander glare of annoyance and a devastating quip, but... but instead a frowning Shane looks genuinely alarmed, as if he would have forgotten something important. "Oh, right", he mutters and immediately pushes the bags over his forearm to reach our for Ilya with his left hand. fuck. after all Shane is just too good for this world. Ilya is too stunned to speak for a moment and glad to take his husband's hand and let himself be guided through the streets.
of course Ilya needs to try again. his husband is a total bitch and ilya just loves it so much when he gets Shane to show it. why must shane ruin a funny video by being so sweet and caring and genuine and just so shane?
A few weeks latery, the Cens are due for a roadtrip and Shane and Ilya arrive at the training center for the bus that will shuttle them to their plane. Shane unloads their suitcases, as he always does, and is suprised to see as Ilya begins to grab a few bags from the backseats. PlayStation for team bonding, new skates he might wanna try, extra bathrobes, and some things more, Ilya casually explains. Shane just hums and grabs their two suitcases. Ilya shoves another bunch of full bags towards Shane, which he wordlessly accepts and stacks on the suitcases. They make their way over the parking lot, and Ilya, basically baggage free, sneakily angels his phone to start recording another video. "I can't believe your not holding my hand right now", he sighs dramatically. That surely must get a rise out of Shane. He can almost see these useless bags flying in his face. He should have known better. Shane immediately shifts the suitcases so he grabs both handles with one hand, and offers his free hand to Ilya with a little smile. "Sorry."
Fucking hell. He even said sorry. Goddam polite canadian husband. Ruining Ilya's evil plans and his sanity at once. When Shane's fingers wrap around Ilya's, Ilya is actually grateful to have something to hold on to.
For his next attempt, Ilya tries to be more sneaky. If he wants to rile Shane up, he has to take the game to the only place where Shane won't let him get away with any nonsense. And he needs backup.
Ilya chooses the next training and Luca Haas as his secret camera man, who is the only one gullible enough to obey his captain's ridiculous demands without asking any questions. Ilya makes it clear that he doesn't care how Luca sneaks the phone inside the rink just that he has to be ready and discreet ones Ilya gives the sign. And sure as hell he is.
Shane just sets up to fire some warm up shots at Wyatt from the blue line when Ilya smoothly skates next to him and lightly swings his stick around.
"Don't you like holding my hand?", he asks woefully and in great expectation of Shane hissing at him, telling him to stop distracting him at work.
Shane turns towards him slowly and cocks his head. "Why would you say that?"
"We are not holding hands right now", Ilya pouts.
"Oh." Shane nods and looks down at his gloved hands at his stick. "Yeah that is a problem."
And before Ilya can grasp it, Shane drops the glove of his left hand and lays it on top of Ilya's right.
Ilya's brain is melting into a puddle of goo and he is so annoyed by it. And by Shane. But mostly there is just warm fuzzy goo.
He swears he can hear Luca say "aww" which pretty much sums it up.
Shane's eyes catches Ilyas gaze again and smiles so softly and Ilya wants to sink into these deep pools of brown- when Shane's smile turns a bit lopsided, an eyebrow arches up.
He barely breaks eye contact when he quickly adjust his stand, swinging his stick with his right hand and slapping the puck right between Wyatts skates into the goal.
"Fuck", Ilya whispers, suprised and more than half horny in under a second. "Did you just-"
He looks at where Shane's left hand still rests on his.
"Score a goal, one handed? Sure I did", Shane grins smugly but lya can feel Shane squeezing his own gloved hand.
"Holy shit, Hollzy", Wyatt hollers, "Thats cheating, by the way. Can't shoot while being all cutesie with your husband."
"That's so cool!", Luca skates closer and waves his phone in Ilya's face. "I got it all on video!"
Shane's gives Ilya a puzzled look and Ilya knows he has a lot of explaining and probably even more apologising to do. After that he will give Shane a mind-blowing blowjob the very moment they are alone. Probably two. Shane definitely earned it.
Later he cuts all three videos of him asking Shane to hold his hand into one edit and uploads it with the caption "If he wanted to, he would đđ "
(Harris gets inspired by the video and convinces Wiebe to let Shane and Ilya do one training session where they hold hands the entire time. Noone is suprised they still manage to score more goals than anyone else. Harris is delighted to have some excellent footage for the Cens Instagram channel and captions it with "Why aren't you holding your teammates hand right now?")
The video breaks hockey twitter containment.
on one of the days ilya wakes up before shane in their shared beds, a few years down the line married, he holds his breath and watch his husband sleep, his hand lightly caressing his freckles and his plump lips and his eyesâ is that a wrinkle on the corner of shaneâs eyes?????? theyâre faint, barely noticeable unless youâre staring at it 5mm away, but thereâs faint wrinkles on shaneâs eyes.
and ilya gets struck (again) about how time moves and leaves traces on the human body, how he got to grow up and now gets to grow old with shane, and be the person to notice the first trace of wrinkle on his face.
shane wakes up when he feels his shoulder a little damp, and was welcomed by a teary husband with fingers on his eyes, and is very confused. when ilya tells him what happened he smiles and says. âfunny, mom used to tell me eye wrinkles represents a life filled with happiness and laughter. i guess youâre the perpetrator of my wrinkles.â
when hollanov freshly started playing together on the cens ilya was a little concerned about shane not willing to show pda in the locker room, and for the most part he is right. so he stopped using pet names in the work environment, he still does during team outings, just not in the locker room or during a match or practice, he just calls shane shane, or hollander, if he feels particularly difficult.
shane is fine. completely fine. totally cool. he understands and loves that ilyaâs so considerate. he is absolutely not sad when he doesnât hear a âGREAT JOB MOYA LYUBOV!â after a beautiful goal. heâs not! >:(. and he definitely does not bring it up to ilya later at home because ilya made him promise theyâd be as honest as possible to each other.
but ilya smiles at him so fondly and he melts into shaneâs arms and he breathes the deepest sigh of relief and okay it is just as important for ilya to call him pet names as it is for shane hearing it! yay!!
au where before the draft after the prospect cup the hollanders were talking about ilya, and yuna made an off hand comment about how he would be very nervous for the draft because heâll be on his own from then forward and how lonely she felt when she first came to canada with her parents and go to school and speak a language she wasnât entirely fluent yet. and shane sort of remembered it, as he does with everything about his potential rival, and when ilya asked him if boston is nice, he suddenly remembered his mom and maybe this smug asshole who was so fucking annoying being the first draft pick would actually be quite lonely there, as far as shane knew. so he tried chatting a little more, and ilya was also a little scared about moving to a different city, admittedly, that he welcomed the boy that shook his hand twice in saskatchewan.
and they became friends, they were still battling their shit out in the ice but off it they go out and have breakfast and dinner with shaneâs parents sometimes because yuna really liked this boy who was not only shaneâs friend but exceptional at hockey, and she overcame her detest for boston in favour of this sweet boy who was so adamant on getting the bill on a fucking rookie contract just because he was in boston. so ilya spends time in shaneâs montreal apartment and the hollanderâs sometimes during short periods of break, or that gap between boston/montreal being out of playoffs but they still have stuff to do so ilya couldnât go back to russia yet, and they basically do all the best friends stuff and hang out in both boston and montreal whenever they can. they have their own room in each otherâs place, of course, but they usually ended up gossiping about other players so much they fall asleep next to each other anyway (itâs not at all because neither wanted to leave they stayed there for as long as possible, seriously)
and they still fucked, obviously, with ilya justifying it as he also fucked one of his other best friend, itâs safe and they trust each other and they can stop anytime and still be friends, and shane believes that. anyway it does add on to the angst for the realisation or the tuna meltdown of this au, but yeah they overcame it because they canât live without each other and at some point sexual attraction and platonic love and romantic love had ingrained so deep in their souls that thereâs nothing they could do about it
shaneâs joke birthday gift to ilya was one of those massive 2 people shirt as a play about how codependent they are and ilya no joke wants to wear it all the fucking time because if he canât crawl under shaneâs skin and live inside his organs he will settle for merging via couple shirt.
shane then proceeds to gift ilya joint couple shit as joke gifts every single fucking year. coupleâs mittens (which actually made ilya wear mittens now! yay!), coupleâs pants, coupleâs cocoon so on and so forth
shane gives ilya free use on ilyaâs birthday thinking itâs gonna be a cum dump situation like his own birthday and instead found ilya licking and sucking him all day. he woke up with ilyaâs tongue on his hole teeth sunk into his ass. he lounges on the couch with ilya sucking his tits. he does yoga and ilya comes in to suck his neck while pounding deep inside him. he cooks dinner and was interrupted with ilya crowding him and sucking his mouth and tongue until theyâre puffy and he feels hazy. they watch tv and ilyaâs lying on top of shane chewing on his thighs and crawl up to taste his belly. they go to bed and ilya makes love to him while sucking on his armpits. his poor dick was ignored all day until after he came and ilya laps around it with his tongue giving it an obsence pop
shane wakes up the next morning with a million hickeys scattered all over his body
After they get married Ilya is disgustingly proud that everyone and their mother has a crush on his big strong hot brilliant hockey husband but only Ilya gets to take him home. He shows off his wedding ring any chance he gets and is sooooooo annoying about it like Oh yes my HUSBAND who LOVES ME VERY MUCH who I am MARRIED TO is the BEST PLAYER in the WORLD u bitches WISH u were me. Etc.
And then internally whenever someone actually flirts with Shane even in a jokey way he immediately turns into this wretched creature:
thinking about ilyaâs muffled cry into shaneâs shoulder. itâs his favourite place to cry because he doesnât have to look at shane or it would be too much but he can still feel shane and shane is still wrapped around him and itâs quiet in the crook of his neck and thereâs only shaneâs voice slowly going âitâs okay baby, iâve got you, youâre okayâ and his hands rhythmically pat ilyaâs back and the warmth and safety of it drives ilya to sleep sometimes
and when he wakes up shane has 2 spoons thatâs been in the fridge for him to cool his swollen eyes and soft kisses all over
shane was out and about with rose one day at one of her jewellery appointments that sort of merges with shaneâs schedule and he offers to come along with her because otherwise they couldnât see each other at all.
anyway so rose is an ambassador for that brand and theyâre getting her to try on jewellery while shane browses like a regular customer, before a brooch catches his eyes. itâs one of those gorgeous brooches that has a massive sapphire in the middle and diamonds all over and okay, the sapphire really looks like ilyaâs eyes. so now shane ends up with a brooch, and rose gushes over how he spoils his husband sooo much
he gives it to ilya and when ilya asks what occasion he just shrugs and says âit reminds me of youâ and when ilya opens the box he nearly fainted. because my guy knows the quality of jewellery of that brand and how expensive they are