In order to stop the culture of faking orgasms, we need to stop the culture of shaming others for their sexual experiences.
Can’t get your partner off on the first try? Cool. You can still be thoughtful and make them feel good.
Can get your partner off within 30 seconds? Awesome, good for you both, don’t let it get to your head.
Can make someone cum in less than 5, but for others, it’s a process that takes an hour? That’s alright, everyone’s different.
Does it take you 30 minutes to cum? That’s okay, you’re not broken, you’re not a failure.
Does it take you 10 seconds to cum? That’s great, you’re not a slut, you’re not overly sensitive or dirty.
Can’t cum without toys/vibrators? That’s awesome, that’s a valid part of sexual play!
Can only cum with loving, vanilla sex? That’s perfectly normal, and you will find lots of great partners to experience that with!
Can’t orgasm at all? THAT’S ALSO COOL. It’s not a bad thing, you can still enjoy sex TONNES just like others.
Orgasms are NOT the defining characteristic of your sexual prowess. They are great, they’re lovely when they happen, but for the love of science, stop bringing them up higher than they need to be.
This one’s a pretty big deal. “Did you come?”
No, but it still felt great
Yes, and it felt really great
Yes, but coming isn’t that big a deal for me
No, can you keep going?
Yes, can you keep going?
No, do you want to watch me get myself off?
Yes, but don’t get a big head about it – I come so easily it doesn’t matter what you do.
No, but I bet I can get you up again
Yes, but I’d rather keep edging because I always get a huge drop after coming and it really puts me off sex for a while
No, thank you, orgasm denial leaves me deliciously horny for days
No, and I’m really frustrated, let’s brainstorm how to change that
All of these are fucking awesome answers. Including the last one. They’re also 100% legitimate answers. Including the last one.
Only the last one is even a little bit “negative,” and, really, how bad, arrogant, or egocentric a lover do you have to be that you’d rather not know when your partner says “here are some great ways to help me come next time, lover?”
If on the other hand you’re going to panic or be unhappy about that last answer then you’re not a bad lover (no shame either way) but your sex life will be less workable. With the result that you’ll continue having, well, the same result.
To be honest, whether you or your partner comes isn’t the most important thing about sex. It’s whether you’re both satisfied afterwards. The only trick being that
You get to decide what “satisfied” means for you
You don’t get to decide what “satisfied” means for your partner(s.)
Asking “did you come” isn’t really the right question. “Does this work for you” is way healthier. That’s the culture we want to look for and encourage.
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P.S. Your partner isn’t a video game. His or her orgasms aren’t a boss fight. The question you want to ask isn’t “did I beat the previous high score” but “would you like to play again.”
