Dusty Journals

26. I'm the antihero of my own damn movie.

[fyeahatised]

[fyeahatised]

Another trip around the sun. So thankful for all the blessings that I've gotten this year. From my health to my career, and family and friends. There's this saying that goes, "For every laugh there should be a tear", and I guess so does this. For every blessing, there should be a regret, and boy oh boy, there are indeed so many of it. Let's say that this is not my year. But it's okay we can always learn from regrets, right? Cheers.

[fyeahatised]

Before the day's over I just wanna say: Happy Birthday, Mom. You would've been 60 today. I can't believe it's been this long time without you. I just want you to know that I really miss you. I hope you're happy somewhere up there, Mom. Please be happy. I want you to be happy.

Speaking of your birthday, I love the fact that our birthday is just a week apart, Mom. It feels like my birth was one of your birthday present, hehe. Don't tell anyone, but I'd like to think that it was. Kinda makes me feel special. Me, being a bundle of joy, as your birthday present. I just hope you loved your birthday present 28 years ago, Mom. I love you.

[fyeahatised]

I miss this kind of serenity. Everything that happens nowadays is always rushed, crowded, and stressful. And I always felt too tired to do anything that was not a chore or work-related, making my life seem so grey and dull, making me yearn for some escapism from this crowded world.

Now, here I am, on a Sunday, in a cafe, dressing comfortably and feeling good about myself for the first time in forever, people-watching with my laptop open and a glass of coffee, feeling how time finally slows down for me. I can feel the voice in my mind growing quieter, my heartbeat slowing down, and everything moving in slow motion.

And finally, after what seems like an eternity, I can see life begins to show its color again.

[shisasan]

𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟷, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

[ID: July 1. Too tired. END ID]

[oxbridge-scribbles]

Inktober 2022 - Day 22 - Heist

Wouldn't you rather give it all at once to something real?

[fyeahatised]

This scene still haunts me

[fyeahatised]

What a colour. I get it now, why people seems to love sunsets very much. It is such a beautiful colour.

[fyeahatised]

Golden hour 🌅

[fyeahatised]

It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me.

[fyeahatised]

Everyone is gonna die and no one is gonna remember you, so.... yeah.

[fyeahatised]

Halls with walls. . . . Bleh, who am I kidding. It's a tunnel. But admit it, it gives you an archeological site vibes, am I right? https://www.instagram.com/p/ChzA-Ocv8-XeRfxPPX76Fw37kbNxy7Ul16Jyv00/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[fyeahatised]

Have you ever feel like you messed everything up? Even a simple daily thing? Lately I feel like I can’t functioning right. Every task, every chores, every little thing that I need to do, I messed that all up. I feel like I can’t be counted on, that I’m not reliable. And I feel like shit. And really stupid. God, do I hate myself right now. 

I feel like I can’t think straight. I feel like I can’t make a rational decision over a simple thing. I feel like my brain is so unorganized it makes me messing up everything I do. God, I feel so useless I really hate myself right now. Help, what do I do?

[fyeahatised]

Neng punten bade meser bungkus kado nu di tukang sabaraha? Tolong abaikan baju yg belum disetrika, nuhun. https://www.instagram.com/p/CcuJVrkPuvq0psTmIBvokvo6TpSJnyu_So-8OI0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[fyeahatised]

I'm spiraling out of control on the inside. Why on earth I can appear calm is beyond me.

[fyeahatised]

Why is there so much anger in me? I can’t stop being angry with myself, with anyone else, with the situation, with the anger itself. I’m tired of feeling angry all the time but there's a scream waiting to be released inside of me. I long for a peaceful mind. A peaceful soul. This is all anger and anxiety and regrets. I’m tired of it all. Help.

[fyeahatised]

Another year has passed already. It feels like yesterday that I realized I lost your photo from my wallet. It feels like yesterday that I tried to make my wallpaper looked like the Dinoman wished you a happy birthday. Now I can't do that because I already changed my wallpaper twice to something more "mature" and "serious". Maybe I didn't prepare any childish shenanigans to wish you a happy birthday this year but the wish still as genuine nonetheless. So, happy birthday, Mom. I wish you have your peace somewhere up there.

I miss you.

[fyeahatised]

"They say all's well that ends well but I'm in a new hell."

Taylor Swift, All Too Well (10MV)