i am terrified of being nothing.
I've been like this all my life. my childhood was difficult; broken home. raised by a mother with no self worth, no drive, no confidence. who only saw the face of her abusive ex-husband when she looked into mine.
i learned destructive habits—you must eat all the food on the table before you can get down. of course, my mother was, herself, obese & had no concept of what a healthy portion was. i was allowed to eat what i wanted, often portions that would feed three or four people & everything was carbs & junk.
she never taught me any better.
i had 0 self esteem. 0 self worth. i would go a whole week without showering or washing. i would never brush my teeth. my hair would become matted because i never cared for it. mother was emotionally abusive. she had her own problems, but never sought help for herself & used me as an emotional punching bag.
growing up in the first uk county to elect a member of UKIP to parliament should give you an indication of how rough that was. i was fat. i had dark skin. 20 years ago, before the new wave of online social media & education & social reform, things were a lot worse. i’m not exaggerating when i say i was the only dark-skinned girl person at my primary school.
i was never praised or encouraged, never rewarded for achievements. i only received abuse, apathy & sarcasm from all fronts, including my mother.
i was depressed, looking back. lonely. i’d bury myself in computer games & food because it was the only time i felt accomplished. in control. and all around me, i saw my friends successful & popular & all i could feel was bitterness & resentment.
i never got help. i didn’t know what was wrong with me & my mother would just bury her head in the sand, rather than deal with the fact her child needed help & support. i suspect i am also autistic—a great deal of signs point in that direction & it would certainly explain a lot.
as an adult, therefore, i struggle to claw my way out of this dark pit my mind has developed in to. i like nice things. i like going to london & looking around harrods, when i have the confidence to do so. i want nice things. but how am i to achieve the kind of success needed to elevate myself to that level?
not working 15 hours in a supermarket, that’s for sure.
this is why i’m starting with my weight, my health. to break the destructive thinking that got me in this position. for some reason, i’ve had a surge of enthusiasm lately. maybe it’s because i can see results. because i stuck to my guns during an early plateau that would have seen me throw my hands up & walk away in the past. that my new mantra of ‘trust the process’ is getting me through.
whatever it is, i’ve found myself setting goals, dreaming big and instead of wallowing in a pit of despair and telling myself i’ll never have them, i’ll never be that girl, i’ve started planning & thinking ‘no, what do i NEED to do to achieve them?’.
my weight is no.1. if i can master my weight, i will have made a huge step in mastering myself.
no. 2 is learning to drive, which may be a no-brainer to most people. but, to my depression, is another thing i never thought i could do. so i’m going to do it.
no. 3, which will be achieved during the long process of no.1, is to read everything i can—find inspiring people, teach myself things, read about art which has been a love of mine since the beginning.
no. 4, which will also be a focus during no. 1, is to work on my social skills. as you can imagine from the above, i am incredibly socially inept. i have no idea how to converse. no idea how to connect to people. making eye contact & smiling some days is a struggle in itself.
this is long & if you’ve read the whole thing, i thank you. today, i am feeling the familiar creep of depression but i decided to try something new. get it out of my head so i can move on, unburdened. or at least, with a slightly lighter load.
