“Can I borrow your Charms notes, Rem?”
Rem? Remus Lupin had only known Sirius Black for a few weeks, but he could already tell he was not one for boundaries—and quite insistent when he wanted something, which is why he was unsurprised when Black accio’d the parchments straight from Remus’ trunk before hearing the answer.
“What kind of handwriting is this? Were you raised by hippogriffs?”
Remus could feel his cheeks get hot. This is normally the moment he’d spit out something harsh about Sirius’ mum, or maybe even throw a punch—that’s how Remus dealt with the local boys back in Wales—but Lyall had warned him to stay out of trouble. “Don’t give Dumbledore a reason to send you home. Your lucky to be going at all,” he’d said with a tight grip on Remus’ shoulder just before the 11-year-old stepped on the train.
“Oi! Don’t be such a prat, posh boy,” James Potter cut in with an elbow to Sirius’ ribs. The black-haired boys were practically attached at the hip but James has been calling Sirius out on his pureblood bollocks since he asked Remus if he was a mudblood on their first night after spotting the copy of Don Quixote on his bed. “Not everyone had private tutors to rap their knuckles if they don’t write in perfect cursive.”
“But you did, young master Sleekeasy,” Sirius shot back with his trademark smirk, but Remus could tell the boy was embarrassed by the way his face flushed white. Since being sorted in Gryffindor, Sirius had been doing his best to do the opposite of anything he felt was too Black, from keeping his tie undone to purposely slouching at the breakfast table whenever he caught himself sitting too straight—not that Remus was paying too close attention, of course.
This unwarranted attack on James’ character sparked a wrestling match right there on Sirius’ bed, Remus’ notes unfortunately crumpled and torn in the crossfire.
–
Remus had completely forgotten about the insult to his penmanship until a few days later in History of Magic. He’d been sat next to Sirius for weeks with no trouble, but it seemed the other boy was trying to get a rise out of him by knocking their elbows together every few minutes. Remus’ parchment was strewn with blobs of ink from Sirius’ antics and Remus was having trouble reading what had just been jotted down. Frankly, this is just another reason Remus thought he should be allowed to to use biros like a normal person. Fucking wizard ponces.
The fifth time Sirius’ elbow knocked into his, Remus had enough.
“Cut it out, Black,” he snapped under his breath, turning to face the black-haired boy. Except, Sirius wasn’t sporting a cheeky grin or even looking at Remus at all. Instead, he seemed completely focussed on his own notes and only glanced up at Remus’ harsh tone.
“Oh, sorry Lupin,” Sirius muttered before returning to his parchment. That’s when Remus noticed Sirius was writing with his left hand and his notes were even less legible than his own—even with Sirius writing each shaky letter with painstaking care.
“Have you always been left-handed?” Remus asked, confused. Sirius grimaced.
“I’m ambidextrous,” he said shortly. It was clearly a lie and Remus suddenly remembered James’ comments about private tutors and Sirius’ mission to disappoint his parents.
Remus rolled his eyes. Posh boys are so weird.
–
February, 1976
Remus was attempting to follow Professor Binn’s mumbled ramblings, but he was still recovering from the weekend’s full and his eyes were drooping. Suddenly, a piece of folded parchment hit the back of his head. It only took a quick glance at the squiggly “Moony” (which looked a bit more like “MoOmy”) scrawled on one fold for Remus to know who it was from.
Sirius had largely reverted back to his normal, flowery script in second year when he and James began trading off taking notes for Remus when he was stuck in the hospital wing. Sirius even became proud of his penmanship when it was decided that Mr. Padfoot would be responsible for any written word on their secret map of the castle.
But when it came to notes that could be snapped up by a teacher in the middle of class, Sirius figured it would be better for his privacy (and reputation) if only the marauders could make heads or tails of his writing.
“Skiv off potions for a cheeky fag by the greenhouses? Check the box for yes or no,” the note seemed to read. Remus rolled his eyes. He and Sirius had been skipping lessons and other responsibilities for more than a smoke since Sirius kissed Remus at the end of a quidditch party in October but they were trying to be covert about it. James was known to intercept post, the nosy git.
Remus quickly checked “yes” and returned the note back to sender.
‘What would be worse than dying?’ Asked Peter, as he stares into the dark night, the nearly full moon glowing on his pale skin, as the four of them were lying on the roof of the Astronomy Tower.
Sirius shrugged his shoulder, reaching a hand to make a star, his star, fit into it. ‘Dunno…’ he said after a moment, turning his head to his left, his nose touching Remus’s. ‘A lifetime in Azkaban?’ he suggested. ’You’re locked up in a four-wall cell no bigger than a bathroom, I’d go crazy! I mean … crazier than I already am. He said smirking.
‘Being the last one alive when everyone you knew, everyone you love are dead,’ said Remus after a long silence, his hand reaching to take Sirius’s, slowly kissing him on the tip of his nose.
‘Being betrayed by a close friend.’ Said James, making Sirius straighten up a bit on his elbows to look at him over Remus. ‘You stand there, looking at your faith knowing that one of your best friends had sold you for his own account, that is worse than dying.’ He said, frowning at the sky.
‘And after that, the others would tear each other apart, not knowing what truly happened’ James took off his glasses, his hazel eyes staring into the dark as he got up, looking down at his three friends, putting back his glasses onto his nose. ‘I’d rather die than betray my friends.’ He said in a fierce tone.
‘Don’t worry mate,’ said Sirius, still smirking as he stood up too, putting his hand on James’s shoulder.
’We’ll stick together, we’ll have each other’s back, always. Continued Peter who was also up, turning to look at Remus who was getting up too.
‘No matter what, we’ll be there for each other.’ He finally said with a smile, looking deep into their eyes.
‘Until the very end,’ Add James, taking Peter and Remus par their shoulders as Sirius’s barking-like laugher echo into the night.
Remember the moment you left me alone and – Broke every promise you ever made – I was an ocean, lost in the open – Nothin’ could take the pain away.
Funerals were more joyful than the atmosphere choking every one of them in the Hospital Wing that morning. Remus was in bed, merely awake but the lump in his throat was only confirming what he already knew. He could have hurt someone last night or worst, kill someone if James hadn’t intervened and dragged him out of the Shrieking Shack’s passageway.
His fingers were still oddly curled on themselves, and the pain was still burning him. But this time it wasn’t the transformation pain, it was the kind of pain that was invisible but still left a bleeding open wound. He knew that the wound would heal into an ugly scar that no matter how much time would pass it will never get to heal properly.
—Moon’ I – But Remus’s glare discouraged Sirius from going on with what he wished to say, and Remus wasn’t keen on letting him try to make some excuses from himself. He was the reason that the wound would never heal because nothing was worse than a betrayal.
—How could you, Black? Asked Remus with a cracking voice and Sirius would have had him yell or throw things at him, besides then calling him by his last name. Still, he took the blow, knowing he had deserved it. Knowing, now that the dust had settled, and the rage was gone that what he had done was unforgivable.
He couldn’t answer. He had wanted to say he was sorry, wanted to hug Remus, wanted to tell him that he had seen black and that it was the only solution he had come up with, to get rid of that person. He knew, he had always known since the worlds had slipped from his throat, telling him how to get past the whomping willow that what he was doing was literally murder, but he couldn’t have helped himself and the harm had been done.
—You should leave Sirius, Pet’ and I will take care of him, he needs rest. Added James who had been silent since the night before. His voice was hoarse, dirt was still splashed on his face and his hair was messier than ever. He was pale and for once, no glimpse of amusement could be seen in his eyes. Heart racing in his chest, fist clenched, Sirius could only nod as his eyes were stinging him badly. He could even have his best friend killed last night with his recklessness.
So you can throw me to the wolves – Tomorrow I will come back – Leader of the whole pack – Beat me black and blue – Every wound will shape me – Every scar will build my throne.
A week had passed, and Remus hadn’t talked to Sirius since the full moon, and it had been terrible. The marauders were shattered, all gone in the blink of an eye because of the hatred Sirius couldn’t let go of. Even James had grown out of it, but Sirius was who he was and this time, he had proven he was indeed an heir to the Black family, Remus had thought bitterly.
He should have known better; he should have thought of the consequence and what will lead for the future. Now Snape knew, he knew and even if the headmaster had shut him up, Remus knew it would come back one day to haunt him. All he could do for now was to hold his head high and keep moving on, keep acting like he could turn the scar Sirius had left him into some kind of armor.
Two weeks, then three more had passed and James seemed to have forgotten the incident and was back to normal with Sirius. Of course, Remus knew it wouldn’t take long for James to run back to Sirius, but still, he had hoped he would have punished him a bit longer, especially since Sirius’s prank almost kill him or worst, could have made him a werewolf too.
This felt like a second betrayal to Remus and the wound had been bleeding a bit when he had seen James embrace Sirius and told him he would always be his brother, no matter what. It was true, but it was still hurtful and once again, like the first time he had come to Hogwarts, Remus felt like he was all alone in the world.
But this time, he knew what it felt to have friends, a family, and people to love and care for him, and to have been ripped from him was the most painful thing of all. James had told him he’d still care for him, and that maybe he should think about forgiving Sirius, or at least tried to, but it wasn’t that easy, and even though James was full of good intentions, he couldn’t understand.
The sticks and the stones that you used to throw have – Built me an empire, so don’t even try – To cry me a river, ’cause I forgive you – You are the reason I still fight.
The next full moon was in two days and Remus could already feel it. Maybe because it had no clouds in the sky, or maybe because he has felt sick for the past month. He was lying in bed with a fever, shaking and sweating, and hoping to be able to get to the bathroom in time as nausea took over him. Merlin, it was awful, and it was the first time since his first year he had to undergo this on his own.
The boys didn’t know about him back then, but they still took care of him. He would have hoped and hoped was all he had done the past weeks, for James to come by and helped him get up, for Peter to rearrange his pillows, and above all else, for Sirius to wash away his fears and pain.
—You’re going to be sick, come. He heard a warm and soft voice whisper to him and before he could protest, groan, or even pushed him away, Sirius lifted him up and led him to the bathroom, patiently waiting while patting his back as he was vomiting all of his guts down the toilet. – It’s alright, it’s gonna be fine, we can already see the moon tonight, I guess it ain’t easy.
—It hurts … sobbed Remus, tears pouring down his cheeks as he was clenching Sirius’s arms, letting his head rest on his shoulder. – It hurts so fucking bad and you didn’t even care. He yelled. He couldn’t bear it anymore, he couldn’t keep inside his own rage, sadness, and his sorrow, he could bear it anymore, it needed to get out.
—I couldn’t look you in the eyes and asked for your forgiveness after what I’ve done. Sirius said, his voice breaking down. —I’ve wronged the two things I’ve always wanted to protect. I’ve exposed you, betrayed you coldly and I almost got James killed. I’m so sorry Moon’…
I’ll leave you choking – On every word you left unspoken – Rebuild all that you’ve broken – And now you know (know) – I’ll leave you choking – On every word you left unspoken – Rebuild all that you’ve broken – And now you know – Every wound will shape me – Every scar will build my throne.
Remus closed his eyes, bringing his face into the sun as he was lying on the grass with his book near the black lake. James was playing with his stolen golden snitch, Peter was trying to study, and Sirius was asleep, his head touching Remus’s thighs.
A full year had passed since that frightful day and Remus had glued back together, one by one, all the pieces of his broken heart. But like porcelain, even if it was now whole, it was still shattered, trust still tottering and the taste of betrayal hadn’t all gone away.
Sirius had made amends, had slowly, but surely atoned for his sins, rebuilding what he had broken with patience and without being annoyed by the time Remus had asked him. They had cried, a lot, yelled at each other, and hugged each other for hours.
It hadn’t been easy, but they had walked the path together, James and Peter helping him along the way and now, as their sixth year was near its end, he was confident that maybe, maybe the scars left by this story would fully heal and wouldn’t remain an everlasting open wound. Only time would tell, Remus thought before gently stroking Sirius’s hair, wishing upon every star he could never suffer another betrayal like this one because it would be the end of him.
So you can throw me to the wolves – Tomorrow I will come back – Leader of the whole pack – Beat me black and blue – Every wound will shape me – Every scar will build my throne.
People whose favorite ship is James and Lily Potter are the blandest people to ever exist. If they were a spice, they'd be flour. If they were a drink, they'd be water. You can literally see your average James and Lily in any high school hallway, IKEA, supermarket. I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but you have no taste.
kianamaiart
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
snowghoul
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
