checking for a pulse but i just don't know

[gabrieldwilliams]

Gabriel Williams ► An Overview 

► basics;

Full Name:  Gabriel Dean Williams

Age: Thirty Four

Birthday: August 7, 1988

Sexual Orientation:  Heterosexual

Relationship Status: Single

Religion: raised non-denominational Christian;

Occupation: former homicide detective, former FBI Special Agent, currently a bartender

► background;

Place of Birth: Mildenhall, Suffolk, England

Hometown: Boston, MA

Education:  B.A. in Criminal and Social Justice from Boston University (2011)

► physical;

Faceclaim:  Henry Cavill

Eye Color: blue

Hair Color: brown

Height: 6′1″ (1.85 m)

Weight: 203 lbs (92 kg)

► relatives;

Father’s Full Name:  Dean Christopher Williams

Father’s FC: Peter Gallagher

Father’s Status:  Alive

Father’s Occupation:  Retired USAF

Mother’s Full Name: Lillian Rose Dawson Williams  

Mother’s FC: Courteney Cox

Mother’s Status:  Alive

Mother’s Occupation: Homemaker

Siblings:  Two older sisters, Shannon and Courtney; one younger sister, Alaina

► relationships;

Ex-Significant Other(s):  Josephine Cassidy (2003-2016) 

Reason for Separation:  different end goals (her) & infidelity (him) |  utter chaos

Current Significant Other: N/A

What They Look For In Others:  a good foil for him no matter what mode he’s in.

► personality;

Positive Traits: intelligent, charismatic, attentive

Negative Traits: sheltered, calculating, presumptuous

►misc;

Hobbies: model airplane building (with his dad), weight training    

First Book They Read: Jumanji by Chris van Allsburg

Favorite Book: The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin

Favorite Music Artist: Billy Joel

Favorite Subject: History

►biography; tw infidelity, burnout, ptsd, depression

Gabriel Dean Williams was born the third child of a military family.  They were fairly well settled in England when he was born, but after six years, his father’s Air Force career got the family moving again.  The most stable thing Gabe could count on was his family. Otherwise, he only had enough belongings to fit in whatever boxes and bags he could manage himself.  His two older sisters struggled more than he did with all the transitions.

They lived everywhere, eventually being homeschooled because it was just too difficult for his mother to keep up with the venue changes for all four kids.  As a result, most of Gabe’s early education fell to himself.  He wasn’t exactly a scholar, but he definitely found things that intrigued them and followed those topics as far as he could. That all changed when his dad retired from the Air Force. 

By then, Gabe was fifteen and his older sisters were out of the house.  All of a sudden, he and his younger sister were doted on.  Their mom finally had all the time in the world to love her kids, and she absolutely did.  

In public school for the first time, Gabe flourished.  He’d been so quiet, so studious, he settled into the academics of it all pretty easily.  Athletic, he made all the sports teams he tried out for.  Socially, especially because of sports, he was well-connected and popular by the end of his sophomore year. It wasn’t exactly that everything was handed to him, but still, he thrived in the predictable environment.  He especially, as it turned out, really loved the JROTC program and got heavily involved in it pretty early, idealistically figuring he would go a military route like his father had done.  

Almost immediately, he clicked with Josephine Cassidy, a bright and sassy girl in some of his classes at school.  She was his biology tutor, he was her benefactor for volleyball, they were best friends, they were dating, they were whatever.  They were always together, and he honestly wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Her house, his house – it didn’t matter to him (though… his house was generally more welcoming and definitely more stable.) She became the most consistent presence in his life, the biggest reason he was glad they weren’t moving around all the time.  Ultimately, that was why he took the college path rather than enlisting just so he could stay close to her and his family.

His interests were consistent and he easily obtained a degree in criminal and social justice with plans to enlist in the military once he was finished with school.

He was always a little ambivalent about following the family path, though.  He was hesitant to trade in his sturdy foundation for all the downsides of military life.  He wasn’t even sure what branch of the military he would want.  Instead, he ended up working his way up through the local police department, all the way into being a lead homicide detective.  He didn’t hate the job, but he was quite good at it and it wasn’t long before he felt too constrained, looking for ways to continue progressing when there wasn’t a lot of movement in upper administration.

In the midst of his restlessness, and scattered failed attempts to at least shape his personal life into the marriage he wanted, he engaged in an affair.

Needless to say, the affair rocked his world, and things started to come apart once the truth had come out.  With nothing left to lose, he applied to be a special agent in the FBI.  His degree, his law enforcement background, and the learning languages alongside curious and intelligent Josie, made him a prime candidate.  Before he could think twice, he got the job and left the East coast.

It really wasn’t all he’d been hoping for.  He sowed some wild oats and learned a few lessons.  He learned even more in the ensuing years with the FBI, never staying in one place for longer than a month as he chased assignments.  While he was good at the job, it wasn’t good to him.  Empty relationships that didn’t last more than a few weeks, disconnect from his family, a disillusionment with the good he was doing in the world — it all coupled with the things he saw, sometimes awful things he had no answer for, and left him depressed and burned out at best.  When his partner brought up some concerns to their superiors, he didn’t even have the energy to pretend he wanted the job any more.  

He found a teaching job at Bunker Hill Community College in their criminal justice pathway and took it, but it can hardly be described as jumping at the chance to come back home.  No, this is a little more like a crawl, buried under the weight of bad decisions and humbling losses.  

[gabrieldwilliams]

josephinecassidy​:

.

Joey had expected a myriad of emotions upon seeing Gabe again, but this time, she just felt sad. Things were supposed to be different. Not a single day went by that she didn’t think about how different they would have been if she had just said yes the way she wanted to. Back then, marriage had been unfathomable. It wasn’t as if she had the best role model.

It still didn’t make it fair that she wanted to see him, almost as if she wasn’t really home until she did. Despite everything, Gabriel Williams wasn’t merely a chapter in her life story; he was nearly the whole damn thing. It was now time to reconcile that. 

In a way, it felt familiar in the way that she used to come to his work and pretend to pick him up. Or she used to simply wait at the bar while nibbling on some form of appetizer. 

“Thank you,” she told him sincerely as she accepted the drink and the menu. The vodka had a slight bite to it, one that was a bit welcoming and one she hadn’t quite gotten used to. Soft pretzels were always her favorite. There had been a place where he had worked with an incredible hot mustard. “Pretzels here any good? I figured bread might be my best bet.” 

.

There was so much either of them could say that it was hard to know what to say.  They were limited by location, too.  The decibel level was riding peaks and valleys as the hockey game worked to its conclusion without a definite winner.  If he had the energy to be paying attention to it, he could admit this was the kind of game he generally enjoyed.  Tonight, though, he didn’t have the energy.  And as of a few minutes ago, he was utterly focused on the woman sitting at his bar all alone.

“They’re okay.  The mustard isn’t as good as the other place,” he admitted.  “But I’ve heard the cheese dip makes up for it.”

The one thing he’d clung to during his return home were his gym habits.  That lead to the conclusion that he hadn’t tried much of the food at the bar, sparing any appetite he ever had for protein-based meals.  Not to mention, his stomach had been bothering him for at least six months at this point, so he tended to stay away from anything too crazy to eat.  He still had to sound like he knew their menu, though.

After he put in her order and check on a guy at the other end of the bar, who was also separate from the hockey crowd, he returned.  He was well aware asking questions and starting conversation was potentially not welcome, but he trusted she could tell him to fuck off if that’s how she felt.  

“How long have you been in town?  My mom said you were gone so I didn’t really expect to see you.”

(Understatement of the year.)

[gabrieldwilliams]

josephinecassidy​:

.

Of all the gin joints in the world and Joey just happened to wander into Gabe’s. Never mind it was to escape the cold. Boston had a population of four and a cool half million of people and that was where she ended up. He was now a stranger, but one she knew most intimately. 

Joey had seen Gabe in so many states, including some of his most emotionally difficult cases. She had seen him carefree, even while working two jobs for both of them to make ends meet. She had seen him devastated during a particularly hard case when they lost a cop. She had seen him angry and scared when a suspect came after her in an attempt to make him back off. 

Joey had seen him, but it was clear when he cheated that she didn’t actually know him.

Her green eyes dropped to the sleeve of her black sweater and she gently tugged at one of the strings. He had seen her at her worst during the aftermath of every broken promise no child should have to endure. Gabe had saved her in every way a person could be saved and deep down, she would always be grateful. 

She had rebuked alcohol for so long, but the idea of dulling the pain was attractive. Even if it was short-lived, it was something. A singular vodka cranberry to secure her place on the barstool wouldn’t send her off any form of wagon, nor would it send her on a spiral of self-destruction. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been Gabe’s guinea pig during training for his bartending license. All that seemed to be missing was the faded beach bucket for her spit. 

“I think this might be my only spiked drink for the night,” she commented after she took a long pull of the drink before her. At the very least, she could probably get something food-related in her stomach to ward off any upset. “I never know if I’ll change my mind, so a tab’s probably a good idea.” 

.

It was pathetic edged in desperate the way his eyes clung to her, reveling in the pain and longing wrapped up in the sight.  He’d never expected to feel gutted even this many years later.  He felt like a whole different person now, probably not in a good way, but just the visual of her was a reminder of a time he’d been so much better than he was now. 

He held tight to the social familiarity involved in the transaction, still fighting to keep it neutral on the surface even though he could probably never be neutral about her.  And even if it was maybe a little demeaning he’d regressed back to a job he’d had in college though he was well into his thirties at this point.  She’d always had him a little inside out anyway.  It was just a fact of life, like Taco Tuesdays or hard New England winters. 

“Okay,” he agreed.  He reached for a laminated menu and handed it over to her, not just because he would’ve done the same for anyone, but because he knew she was a two drink maximum before she needed real food, and that was only if the drinks were weak.  It was also, he supposed, only true if nothing had changed since he’d known her.  Either way, the drink he’d just made her was not weak, so... menu.  He passed it to her wordlessly.

[gabrieldwilliams]

jacksoncassidy​:

Beantown was the third— or maybe fourth, Jackson couldn’t quite recall— stop on tonight’s spontaneous pub crawl with the boys. Charlie, Sean, and Eric all packed in around him as they set elbows onto the countertop, impatiently waiting to make their orders. Jack was turned away, teasing Sean as he immediately set sights on a pretty blonde at the end of the bar, so he didn’t see the bartender approach. It was only as he turned back, the smug little grin on his face falling away as he took in Gabe.

His stomach did that swoopy thing like when you miss a step on the stairs as he looked into the face of yet another person who had abandoned him and his family. Only this time, it was also like looking into a funhouse mirror, an ugly reflection that demanded of him are you any different? And the worst part was that he wasn’t. He might have even been worse.

But he was able to burn the logic away with all the drinks he’d already had tonight and that pesky little feeling of betrayal. The betrayal towards his sister and the one towards him. Because Gabe had once been like a brother. And now they were strangers. Funny how that was the running theme of his life. “Yeah,” he said, jaw tight. “Can we start with a new bartender?”

.

Admittedly, it took Gabriel a minute to place the guy on the other side of the bar, even if it took no time for the other to request someone new.  Jackson Cassidy had quite obviously grown and changed in six years.  If Gabe’s math was right, that was at least a quarter of the kid’s life.  Jack had probably changed the most of them all in that time, going from a teenager to an adult in what felt like a moderately-paced blink. 

“I’m the only one here right now,” Gabe said.  He didn’t know what Josie had told her brothers in the intervening time.  It was probably nothing good at jump and just nothing recently.  And that was if Gabe was lucky. 

He pulled a long sigh.  “I get why you’d want someone else, but I’m qualified to make your drinks for two hours until there is another bartender, Jack.  And maybe you’ll feel better when you stiff me on a tip and write a way you hope I die on the receipt.” 

[gabrieldwilliams]

josephinecassidy​:

.

Bars weren’t ordinarily Joey’s scene, not with growing up with a barfly for a mother. She had experience with drinking otherwise, of course. After all, one couldn’t be in a long-term relationship with a bartender in training and not be a guinea pig.  Nearly freezing temperatures sent her into the nearest heated building and wouldn’t you know it, it was a bar. Joey was immediately greeted with whoops of joy whenever a Boston team scored. It was a Bruins game, judging by how people were tightly packed around a small section of the bar. While she would ordinarily perch herself on a barstool and allow herself some swell of hometown pride, this time she refrained. Drunk men trying to soothe a disappointment or trying to score some terrible (for her) victory (for him) sex had never appealed to her. 

She pulled the beanie from atop her head and began pulling at her gloves. The sound of someone drunkenly slurring a hey, spinnah in her direction made her grimace. “Not into it tonight, go find someone else,” she responded without looking up. 

Despite the packed bar, she found it was relatively easy to track down someone who could give her a proper drink. No amount of money could change that she was a Southie at heart. There was every chance she’d bump into someone who knew her mother and that was a conversation she’d do anything to avoid.

An achingly familiar voice took her back several years ago and her head snapped up. Her mind was pulled from its momentary trance and annoyance to lock eyes with the same person who had broken her heart.

No, no, no, she needed to be a few drinks in if she was going to steel herself to see Gabe. 

“Vodka cranberry with lime?” was the first thing she could think to say.

.

The hockey group was rowdy, though jovial, and empowered to be that way by the Bruins’ ongoing win-streak bolstering their confidence with each passing game.  Though Gabe enjoyed a good hockey game, he preferred to wait until the chase for the cup was on later in the season.  On this particular night, he’d mostly tuned the crowd out unless they were trying to order drinks.

As the inherent disconnect faded and his brain started processing language and images again, he did a double take.  It was a weird and instantaneous kind of paralysis, where he knew what to do, but he had no idea what to say.  

He’d never known anyone as thoroughly as he knew the woman standing in front of him.  Her voice, her face, her tells -- he still thought about all those aspects of her and more, basically all the time.  He’d stupidly thought this was a safe space, had dismissed the idea he’d run into her here of all places.  While she’d employed some modicum of toleration during their relationship, and many years ago, she didn’t love drinking and she only rarely frequented a bar. There wasn’t even time for him to really think of all the questions he might’ve had related to that before the crushing defeat swooped in to steal his breath.  He dropped his head as he nodded. 

“Okay,” he managed, a little choked through his suddenly dry mouth.   As he focused on the task of making her drink, the simple order still managing to be more complicated than his average bar patron’s tonight, he noticed his hands were shaking.  He slid the drink across the bar to her, acutely aware for the first time tonight of his overall appearance.  The black Henley threaded over the t-shirt the bar wanted him to wear, warding off the chill from the constantly opening and closing door; the days worth of scruff on his face that had easily progressed into a beard; his hair that was so far past needing a haircut it had started to turn into ringlets his mother had teased him about a little.  She looked incredible and he... well.  He looked like he was going home to sleep on his parents’ couch.  It was hard to feel like he’d ever been right about anything where she was concerned or even in his life overall under the weight of any comparisons. 

And in spite of all his world weariness, he couldn’t stop a note of affection from creeping into his rough voice, which he knew would still carry over the din behind them in the bar.  “Can I start you a tab, Jo?” 

[gabrieldwilliams]

[gabrieldwilliams]

I try and hide it and not let it show But deep down inside me I just don't know Am I a man when I feel like a hoax? The stranger in the mirror's wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright I know that I'm not right A steering wheel don't mean you can drive A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright I know that I'm not right Feels like I travel but I never arrive I wanna thrive not just survive

[gabrieldwilliams]

who: open  where: Beantown Pub  (or honestly whatever bar works, there are hundreds) when: tonight

It had been a long time since Gabe had flexed any kind of bartending muscle, but he could admit he didn’t hate it.  And over the course of the last week since he’d started, he’d remembered a thing or two from his time working as a bartender as a second job in college.  Even in terms of conversing with people, mostly he could get by with a few muttered affirmations here and there.  He didn’t have to actually listen, which was a refreshing change of pace. 

“What can I get you?” He asked, smiling a little and looking at the person in front of him but not really seeing them. 

[maziekeen]

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