Gabby Banzon

Perpetually tired & never in need of a tan

[gabtothezilla]

THIS BLOG IS MOVING

www.gabbybanzon.com

[in efforts to consolidate everything to just one domain]

[gabtothezilla]

Wildin’

I’ve never been a “flower” person… in any sense of the word. I don’t like receiving them (because they just wilt and die and you’re left with dirty dead plant water in a vase), they give me allergies, and they just don’t fit my personality. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t work. For me, life isn’t flowers and rainbows. It’s more like…

grass and rain.

simple, but vital.

So, whenever I would hear someone talk about women being like flowers, it just didn’t resonate with me. (And for those who it resonates with, you go, girl! You do you.) I understood the concept… we’re pretty, dainty, happy, life bearing, etc. but I just didn’t care for it at all.

Not until recently.

I was at a mass a few weeks ago and one of the readings was your classic “learn from the way the wildflowers grow” passage. Normally, I would have just dismissed it, thinking “don’t worry, blah blah, trust God, blah blah, self-esteem, blah blah, I’m beautiful, blah blah, I get it.” But for some reason, I was struck by “wildflower.”

And it’s not like it’s a new word or that there’s some underlying meaning to the Latin or Greek origins. It’s just a wildflower. They’re everywhere. There’s no rhyme or reason. I mean, they’re all the rage in Texas. Blue Bonnets come out and all of a sudden, everyone is having photo shoots in fields like they’re going to be on the feature photo of the next thoughtco or buzzfeed article.

But really, it’s just a damn plant.

So, why did it capture my attention so much?

Maybe it just happened to be because of the season of life I’m in. Maybe it’s because I subconsciously want a garden. I have no idea. But I think there’s just something to the way “wild” adds to “flower.” It’s not just a pretty, dainty, happy, and life-bearing thing. It’s now wild…it’s now natural.

I can be all these things a flower is, but in my own true nature.

I don’t have to be a pristine, perfect flower if I don’t want to be. You don’t have to be either. We can grow the ways we need, and want, to grow.

[gabtothezilla]

create to create

When I was in undergrad, I blogged incessantly on my tumblr. I shared songs, pictures, videos, and quotes that I thought were cool, and my reflections on all of those things. Sometimes I even shared my own songs, pictures, and videos. But I’m not exactly sure how I wrote so much. Being a music therapy major and music technology minor, I was taking 18-20 hours a semester on paper, but more like 100 hours in reality. So, I didn’t exactly have time. But I somehow managed to make time for it squeeze it in between classes, ensembles, ministry, and intramurals.

I specifically remember one night, sitting on the porch of Atkinson hall (lined by our famous Georgia College columns), where I just couldn’t finish writing a paper that was due the next day. My brain was fried and it was starting to rain. At that point, I should have packed up, left, gotten some sleep, and finished in the morning. But instead, my brain was magically no longer fried, and it wanted to wait out the rain by cranking out a blogpost about how I played “You are My Sunshine” 5 times in 45 minutes at one of my clinical practicum sites earlier that day. That post ended up being one of my more popular ones. 

But to be honest, I never actually wrote with the intention to get likes. It was just this need to process and share. This need to take everything going on in my brain and heart and get it out of there... or sometimes even just to push it aside for a few moments. But it wasn’t really a need to just put a bunch things on a platter and shove it into the world. It was a need to take those things and turn it into something a little more aesthetically pleasing...and then offer the world the option to partake in it.

It was a need to create.

And I absolutely loved it. I wrote, I played, I designed, filmed, I edited... I did anything and everything I could do. To quote Albert Einstein, “Creativity is intelligence having fun.”

But then grad school hit, and all I did was write papers. And then I poured everything into the Life EP, and I didn’t have any more energy to song write after it was released. And then I started working, and creating became my profession. I  (re)created music, video, graphics, written content, etc. I even learned how to create things I never wanted to know how to create, like stories, plays, stage lighting, registration forms, curriculum, and, the worst of all... PROGRAM BUDGETS. Ugh.

So, while I get to create for work, I’ve forgotten how to create for fun.

But, the funny thing is, in the past months, I’ve seen many friends start remembering how to do just that. (Thank you, by the way).They’ve joined community choirs, bands, taken up wood-working, started podcasts, and so much more. Its so amazing the stuff that people create. And its inspired me to get back into it to. Not out of desire for fame, but the thrill of the process and the fulfillment of the product. 

I’m doing this.

Creating time to create for fun.

P.S. Here’s a video I made this weekend

[gabtothezilla]

10 Lessons from Texas

Today, August 15, 2016, marks one year since I decided to take a risk and move to Texas. Within this year I started grad school, lived completely alone, started 3 jobs, quit a job, raised $10,000 in 2 months for an EP (of which Kickstarter took like $800 of...lame lame lame), had a friend pass away, recorded an EP, went on a ministry hiatus, let go of relationships, and started new relationships. As if I wasn’t already learning enough as a grad student, life decided to teach me more through this move.

And since I process best through writing, I decided to put my thoughts into this blog. By no means am I saying that I’m done learning about life or that everyone learns the same thing when they move. But I am hoping that someone might share in what I have to say. So, in true buzzfeed, millennial, decreasing-attention-span fashion, here’s the top 10 things I’ve learned this year, in no particular order: 1) It’s okay to not be okay

I spent most of my high school and college years forming this facade that I was a cool kid and everything was fine. “Everyone will like me if I have it all together, I’m not emotional, and everything is chill” is what being cool meant to me. But I don’t really think that being cool actually means that. I don’t even really know what it actually means, but what I don’t know is that it isn’t fully real. Reality is that I have a heart that feels, a brain that thinks, and a soul that exists...and they should be allowed to feel, think, and be in the way they need to and be accepted.

2) Nobody is fully okay.

Nobody. Even the ones that you hold in high esteem or the ones that seem like they have it all together. At one of my jobs, I’ve had two bosses and one interim boss quit within a year for personal reasons. At school, I’ve had the honor of journeying with classmates and professors through some deep things. The world is not an easy place and everyone has some sort of struggle.

3) I will always need my family, no matter how far I go or how old I get.

Along with the “not emotional” thing, I was never one to miss my family. I’ve studied abroad and worked on missions, but it never phased me. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family, it was just that I didn’t feel a dire need for them. But moving to a place where I didn’t have a community already there, waiting to accept and love on me, was a whole different ball game. I realized how much I took them for granted. When my brakes went out or when I wanted to cuddle or when I reached out to hold a familiar hand for the Our Father, I didn’t have my family around me. It sucked, and still sucks sometimes, but its also taught me to be more present and intentional when I’m with them.

4) Being alone doesn’t mean that I’m not loved.

It means that the world doesn’t revolve around me and, as much as people care about me, they have their own lives. (Woah! Really?!) As an introvert, you would think that I would be in heaven being alone all the time. But while I need time to myself, there’s such a thing as too much time to myself. I actually like people a lot. But where I thrive and what I love is getting to know people individually and on a deeper level. I have a need to invest and be invested in. So, when I wasn’t making connections right away (silly Gabby, connections take time...duh), I took it personally and started feeling depressed because I placed my worth in relationships. I would drive down to Houston or fly back to Georgia to be with people that made me feel loved and come back to Denton feeling sad and alone. But I’m learning that being by myself isn’t too bad... and I can’t let myself be loved fully by others if I don’t let myself be loved by me.

5) Talking to and answering myself isn’t too crazy.

I guess this was another way of coping with living alone. I started talking to myself about things I misplaced or things I forgot. Then, I started giving myself pep talks before going into work or while doing some sort of project. Its just another way of processing whats going on inside my head. Lord knows I have a lot of thoughts running around there. Plus, I work at a mental health hospital...so if it gets too out of hand, I’ve got my connections.

6) I don’t have to be best buds with everybody all the time.

Again with my need to be cool and liked by everyone. For the first semester here, I was in denial that all my relationships would stay the same forever and that I would find people in Texas that would accept the fullness of me in a heartbeat. Well, relationships take time and effort from both sides. I couldn’t invest into any fresh relationships in Georgia and had to just trust in the prior investment of the strong relationships I already because of the physical distance. And then because I was so concerned with all of that, it prevented me from being present where I am in Texas and letting things grow and go the way they’re supposed to be. Accept that relationships will always change with time.

7) Boundaries are important, but not definite

This year, I was put in roles that I’ve never been in....supervisor, supervisee, therapist, etc...which gave me more “authority” in more relationships than others. For some of these, I actually was put in a dual role, which made me both student and co-worker or both supervisor and classmate. It was really weird for me because I craved deep connection so badly, but, due to my roles, I had to pull back the reigns and put some boundaries up. Because I didn’t know how to handles all these different boundaries, I started to isolate and that scared me a bit. But then, in therapy, I learned that not all boundaries have to be solid and immovable. They can adapt and open when needed. As people change, so do the relationships, and so do the boundaries. Thank God for that.

8) I need to take care of myself.

One of the main reasons I get hired for jobs is because I’m versatile and adaptable. Not only do I have the musical and therapeutic skills I learned in my undergrad program, I have planning, event coordinating, public speaking, construction, video editing, stage management, teaching, and social media skills from everything I did outside of the classroom. If I wasn’t in class, I was either working or doing ministry. I somehow also managed to go to the gym at 6am two times every week. I never took a break and I barely slept. When I graduated, I basically worked full-time in ministry while applying for grad schools and jobs. I thought I could do ministry at the same capacity while in grad school and working as an actual professional music therapist, but ended up being wrong and running myself into the ground. Which led to a 4 month hiatus from ministry and the realization that I have an unhealthy amount of pride and need to learn when to say no and take a chill pill.

9) Sometimes risks are worth taking.

I suffered for a very long time from analysis paralysis. I never made any moves on anything I wasn’t completely sure of. Taking a risk and failing meant that I was a mess and not okay and nobody would care for me. But sometimes the leap is worth it. The move to Texas has been hard (if this post isn’t already a testament to that), but I’ve grown immensely from it. Initiating relationships (in all forms) is scary, but it only stretches my heart to love more than it already does. Not to say that I’ll be jumping at every risk that arises, but it doesn’t hurt to take a few.

10) When it comes to BBQ, tacos, and queso, Texas knows what its doing.

Enough said.

[gabtothezilla]

An Artist’s Worst Enemy

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon

Other than perfectionism, I think an artist’s worst enemy is fear. And in a sense, perfectionism is basically just a mask for fear. We are all afraid that we aren’t good enough. Our colors don’t pop enough. Our sentences aren’t clever enough. Our dances don’t flow enough. Our acting isn’t real enough. Our music isn’t unique enough. Regardless of the art medium or the adjective, we feel that maybe we aren’t enough. We’ll never amount to anything. We should just quit now and forget about any ounce of creative spark within us. And then, if you’re an introvert like me, it just becomes a string of doubtful thoughts that spiral down into the dark and dismal abyss of fear.

This fear has the capacity to effect every single aspect of your life. So, I guess its not just an artist’s worst enemy...but humanity’s worst enemy. It cripples you from really achieving what you’re supposed to achieve...from becoming who you are supposed to be...from living your life the way it was always made to be lived.

If I took the time I spent worrying about getting good ratings on my piano juries in undergrad actually practicing for those juries...then maybe I would have actually gotten better ratings. If I took the time I spent telling myself that my music is lame actually creating music...then maybe I would create even more and better music. If I took my feelings of pride towards asking for help and actually asked for help despite those feelings...then maybe people would actually help me. If I took the feeling of fear of not living up to peoples’ expectations and actually tried my best to just live life...then maybe I wouldn’t have any doubts when I go to the next one.

It takes courage to create art in the first place because it is an expression of the artist him/herself. When you add on the sharing of that art, it takes even more courage because the artist is willingly revealing to the masses the deepest parts of his or her soul. When you add on asking others for help in sharing that art, it takes on an even greater amount of courage because it is vulnerability in which the artist places these bits of his or her soul into the hands of others and says, “This is what I have and this is who I am, do what you will.” Courage.  If there is anything that running this campaign is teaching me, it is courage. Courage to talk everyone... to people that I lost touch with or that I don’t want to talk to or that I’m not sure want to even talk to me. Courage to stop and realize and acknowledge that I can’t do this on my own. Courage to raise as much money as I possibly can even though I know that I could lose it all if we don’t reach our goal. Courage to let myself be vulnerable. Courage to be afraid, but to know that truth, beauty, and goodness are way more important than fear.

So this is me. Human. Gabby Banzon. 24. Grad student. Music therapist. Worship leader. Singer/songwriter. Afraid, but trying to be courageous. Afraid, but at least I can say I tried.

I need to reach $9,000 by February 29th in order to record and release an EP with my fellow artists. We aren’t artists for the sake of fame or fortune, but for the sake of something greater than ourselves. Our lives are gifts meant to be shared and we ask you to join us. We can’t do this without you. I can’t do this without you. Check out the video below and, if your able, consider supporting us by clicking right here. If we don’t make it, you get every penny back. If we do make it, you get some cool rewards and to see what’s possible when you overcome the enemy of fear and take courage.

Thank you once again to all of you who are supporting this project and thank you in advance to those of you still considering to do so.

[gabtothezilla]

One month down, forever to go

I earned my board certification as a music therapist back in February, but decided not to work right away because there were so many other things I wanted to do. As seen in my previous posts, I love everything that deals with art, Jesus, and people. So, I ended up spending about 6 months trying to “find myself” only to realize that you will never ever in your entire life fully and completely “find yourself” because human beings are complex....we are a composite of body and soul. There’s always something you’ll rediscover about yourself that’s been hidden. If you do find yourself completely, then you’re either boring or a robot. Anyways, I had to pick a route and just go. Which led me to Texas for school, but also led me to my first job(s) as a music therapist. I work as a graduate assistant for the school, in which I teach students how to actually do music therapy and supervise them when they give it a shot. This year, we’re at two nursing homes and a nursery school. I also work as a recreation therapist at a psych hospital, in which I only run music therapy sessions because that’s the only thing I know how to do.  So, I’m running about 5 group sessions total a week. Which is not even close to full time, but its a start. Its also more than enough for me to mentally handle at this moment in my life. When I was in the thick of undergrad, I had an ideal of where I would be and what sort of clients I would be working with once I got certified. I was convinced that I would never work in a nursing home, in a school, or in a psych hospital. I wanted to work in a children’s hospital and that was that. And yet....I interned at a VA that had a focus in mental health and now here I am. Working in all of the places I said I would never work. I’m not even sure if I want to work in a children’s hospital anymore. Maybe I have a knack for another population that I haven’t even worked with.

Funny how life changes, isn’t it?

During this past month, I rediscovered something that was hidden by my desire to just finish the program, get my bachelors, and get paid. I rediscovered why I went into this field in the first place. 

Music is a part of me and I want to share it with people. But not just share myself. I want people to share themselves with me. Music becomes the avenue for sharing and provides a safe environment to share. Sometimes its through counting fingers with 2 year olds. Sometimes its through singing "Camptown Races” and having a woman with Alzheimer’s burst out in tears because she remembered something about her lovely mother. Sometimes its through talking about Louis Armstrong and what makes the world wonderful even though being at a hospital sucks. Whatever it is... It draws me out of myself. It draws others out of themselves. And it draws all of us into a beautiful encounter where we get to journey together...even if its just for 30 minutes. Although I don’t have the “dream” job placement that I originally wanted, I have the dream job. I get to help people with music. Sometimes I forget that in the midst of documentation and session planning and learning country songs that I absolutely don’t want to learn. But I’m really glad that I get to do this. Its been a really, really, really steep learning curve, but that’s okay. I’ve only been at it for a month. I’ve got forever to go.

[gabtothezilla]

Emerging adulthood is a distinctly self-focused time of life, which is different than being self-centered. Self-focused in the sense that they have little in the way of duties and commitments to others, which leaves them a great deal of autonomy in running their own lives....Although people enjoy having the freedom to be self-focused during their emerging adult years, they do not expect or even desire to be self-focused forever. Rather, they view it as a necessary step before committing themselves to enduring relationships with others, in love and in work.

Dr. Jeffery Arnett, Emerging Adults in America

[gabtothezilla]

Selfish Art

is the title of one of the tracks on Noah Gundersen’s recently released album, “Carry the Ghost.” At first glance of all the track names, that one immediately caught my attention. Why? Because art is the opposite of selfishness. 

You don’t make art to suppress yourself. You make art to express yourself. 

And that expression is a gift of yourself to whoever comes into contact with it by seeing, hearing, and feeling. You give yourself and everyone else receives beauty. The reactions to the beauty may differ, but it is beauty nonetheless. Plato said, “ An essential function of genuine beauty is that it gives man a healthy “shock”, it draws him out of himself, wrenches him away from resignation and from being content with the humdrum – it even makes him suffer, piercing him like a dart, but in so doing it “reawakens” him, opening afresh the eyes of his heart and mind, giving him wings, carrying him aloft.”

But instead of overlooking the song, I decided to dive deeper. After all, if I didn’t listen to it, I’d be a hypocrite in not receiving his gift. And that’s not cool. So, the lyrics are as follows: Sometimes making songs for a living Feels like living to make songs And sometimes I get an uneasy feeling That I'm doing something wrong 'Cause nothing really feels like home And I just want to be alone Calculate the hours till the power in the well goes dry I'm watching as the stage goes black How long until we all go back To being nothing at all Nothing but a spark in someone's eye Am I giving all that I can give? Am I earning the right to live? By looking in a mirror There's nothing more sincere than selfish art Sometimes when I've got nothing to say I think breaking a heart could maybe be the start of some new page And sometimes I play a couple war games Using live ammunition, so I can fix what I'm missing Most of my songs are true Most of my songs are due to some broken people So I could write a single I'm watching as the stage goes black How long until we all go back To being nothing at all Nothing but a spark in someone's eye Am I giving all that I can give? Am I earning the right to live? By looking in a mirror There's nothing more sincere than selfish art There’s nothing more sincere than an empty heart There’s nothing more sincere than who we are

I could totally make this a billion paragraph blogpost and analyze every single lyric and what Noah could possibly mean, but for your sake... I won’t. Basically he’s saying that getting paid to create songs about emotion is a struggle. Questioning...Is he writing for his complete self-expression? or is part of his motivation so that he can have money to live? Is he taking advantage of other people’s heartbreak? 

Is he being a true gift of himself? Well, his answer is “By looking at a mirror there’s nothing more sincere than selfish art. There’s nothing more sincere than an empty heart. There’s nothing more sincere than who we are.” I don’t know if Noah is Catholic, but I’m sure St. Pope JPII would love him. Because right in those last few lines he reiterates in his own words the overarching theme of Theology of the Body that “man cannot fully find himself except through the gift of himself.” By recognizing who you are, being who you are, and giving till you empty yourself to the depths of your heart, you find yourself. Not by hoarding it all in. By giving...you are being sincere, you are being genuine, you are authentically you.

We’re not all paid musicians, writers, painters, sketchers, sculptors, actors, speakers, etc. Some of us don’t even think that our gifts are worth giving. Some of us don’t think we have any physical, emotional, or spiritual beauty to share. And those that do know we have gifts, like Noah, struggle with whether we should even share or give it out. Maybe our motivations aren’t right and we should hoard it in. But that is all a load of baloney.

So, in essence, his title holds truth. He’s not talking about selfish in the way he shares his art. He’s talking about selfish in the way he approaches his art. He has to look inside himself and talk about himself. But as long as we all humbly strive to take the unique lives and gifts that we’ve been given and give it back to the world, we’re actually making the world a better place. There is a line in the prayer of St. Fancis of Assisi that says “It is in giving that we receive.” We need beauty that is a window and draws us out of ourselves and shows us not only the song or piece of art, but the heart and soul that created it. And we need beautiful hearts and souls that are windows to show us Beauty himself.

[gabtothezilla]

Why I’m moving

I once attended a session at a music therapy conference 2 years ago with Tim Ringgold and he said something that struck me: “Its okay to have more than one passion. It. Is. Okay. Let it rip.” That one simple statement of the 30 minute session directed toward 100 other students still sticks with me today. It fueled me in college to get out of my music department “identity” and pursue all the other interests I had.  Music therapy is, hands down, one of the coolest jobs in existence. But so is being a musician, youth minister, counselor, missionary, stage manager, traveler, librarian, writer, music critic, social media marketer, and teacher. Having multiple responsibilities in a short amount of time is my expertise. I love it all. I want it all.

But I physically cannot do it all.

So, as you can imagine....making this decision was really hard. God didn’t show me the way like He did for undergrad. God didn’t completely change my path like He did for my internship. This time, He gave me options. And those options led to questions. Why don’t I stay in a state where I have everyone I love and connections for work, music, and ministry? Why don’t I go to one of the most prestigious counseling/music therapy programs in the Southeast? Why don’t I go to a place where I can have a fresh start? If I don’t know where I want to go, why don’t I just travel or do missions? 

Well, its something my mom said. “You have all these dreams and I have no doubt you can achieve them. But you can’t reach them if you don’t have a base. You can’t bloom and spread until you’ve been planted.”

So, do I want to plant myself in north Texas? Well, not with all my heart. Georgia constitutes for a very big chunk of my heart. But I can’t actually plant myself. I’m just a seed. There has to be an actual planter.  And guess who that is? So, even though I’m hesitant, I know the soil will toiled. I know the water will come. I know the sun will rise. I know there’ll be good and bad weather, but I know I will be okay. Bottom line is that I want to grow...and you don’t grow in your comfort zone. Moving to a place where I only know 3 people and there isn’t anyone else I know within a 4.5 hour radius will actually be a good thing... because I won’t be able to revert to my comfort zone....I will be forced to grow. I will cultivate all my current and future gifts. And when the time is right, I’ll have my dual grad degree in counseling and MT and I’ll bloom. 

I’m really hoping that I’ll bloom back over to Georgia. But, again, I’m just a seed. So, we’ll see.

[gabtothezilla]

An explanation and a two-way invitation

“Open My Lips” is based on Psalm 95, which is also a the invitatory to morning prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours. The Liturgy of the Hours is a set of prayers concentrated around scripture that marks every hour of the day. As a missionary for Catholic Mission Trips, Inc, I prayed it every morning, evening, and night. I originally hated it because of all the page flipping and structure. But, slowly, I grew to love it. I grew to love this method of prayer because it was the only consistent structure that us missionaries ended up having in our hectic schedules and everchanging responsibilities. Prayer became my pillar.

After working as a missionary, I had a hard time transitioning into working as a music therapist and freelance musician. I soon realized that it was hard partially because I wasn't praying as much as I used to. My rhythm from the Liturgy during the summer was gone. I didn’t have anybody keeping me accountable for prayer and I was relying on myself more than God. The irony of prayer, in both word and deed, is that we can only pray because God gives us the ability to do so. It is He who opens our lips, our ears, our eyes, and our hearts. Sometimes it just takes us awhile to wake up and realize that He is present within us. God can move in every little thing we do if we just open up to Him. 

Its actually a two-way invitation. God invites us to come into His presence, but we can only enter in and praise Him if we, ourselves, invite Him into our lives. Its kind of like buying a ticket to go to a concert, going to the concert, but then wearing earplugs the whole time. Why on earth would you do that? Take the earplugs out and receive the goodness. Take your blindness, your pride, your doubts, your fears, your walls out and receive God. He is present, He is here, and He is waiting for you.

Its going to take you awhile to open up. I think I, myself, will forever be in the process of opening up because I’ve built so many walls and closed so many doors. But that is exactly why this prayer is such a great reminder. I wrote this song because I needed it...Fr. Chris joined in on this song because He needed it...Mercy Crew Publishing helped us get it out because they needed it....not because we want people to buy it. 

It is a prayer that absolutely all of humanity can relate to in our lives....no matter if we grew up in the faith or we’re just starting out or aren’t even close to it. We all have parts of us that are closed that need to be opened. Which is part of the reason why this song takes a while to get going. The music is symbolic of waking up and rising in the morning because it comes from morning prayer, but also because it reminds us that opening up to Him can take time. If you like what you hear in the lyric video, here’s also a link to buy it on iTunes. May it be an invitation for all of us to let God open our lives more fully to Him.

[gabtothezilla]

Introverts & Social Media

The introvert is an interesting type. Like all personality classifications, its more of a spectrum. We range from completely disliking to absolutely adoring humanity. But one thing that plagues all introverts is the disinclination to be as outwardly social as extroverts.

But social media has completely changed that. 

For the tech-savvy introverts, social media allows us to be social without actually being social. We get to interact with the world online in the way we wish we could in-person. Real in-person conversation and interaction leaves little or no time to process how we want to respond to what is heard. Thus, we are perceived as quiet, shy, and, sometimes, even rude. But, by typing, we get more time to process. Social media makes introverts cool, funny, artsy, loud, etc.

It puts us in the leagues with the extroverts.

But as much as it reveals, it can also hide. It can be a mask of who we want to be and prevent us from making the concrete steps to actually become that person. You can post uplifting and positive things, but be a pessimistic douchebag in real life. Not cool. You can be a chatterbox online, but completely ignore the people closest to you...family, friends. Also not cool. A new avenue for communication does not replace real life human interaction. Humans can physically and emotionally love you... phones, tablets, and laptops cannot.

I, quite obviously, like social media. I run it for my missions company and I personally use it a lot. It allows me to interact on some level with so many people I normally wouldn’t (musicians, loud people that I normally get intimidated by, people that live across the country, etc). But I know its no excuse to be authentic and present with those around me. I fail at this a lot. No doubt about that. I’m a work in progress.

But fear not, my fellow introverts. Don’t have an identity crisis because you realize you’re on your phone too much. This is not a post to condemn you. Rather, its a call to embrace who you truly are. The world needs introverts to create, to analyze, to care, to balance out the loud extroverts. Some of the greatest leaders and artists of this world were introverts. Although it doesn’t seem like it, you have been and already are just as notice and important as everyone else. What social media does is make that more evident in the 21st century.

Don’t hide behind a mask. Embrace yourself. Don’t shy from the world. Embrace others. And remember to put the phone down every once in awhile. 

You’re just as awesome without it... I promise.

[gabtothezilla]

Believe in Beauty

“We no longer dare to believe in beauty and we make of it a mere appearance in order the more easily to dispose of it.” - Hans Urs von Balthasar

I stumbled upon this quote after watching this beautiful video earlier this week. Its a simple video in itself...following a boy playing in nature while the narrator reads a bit of writing from von Balthasar. His name always makes me think of Bulbasaur the Pokemon, but that’s beside the point. The point is the quote. “We no longer dare to believe in beauty.” Well...as an artist, that sounds kind of harsh, doesn’t it? My whole existence centers around the creation of beauty. So, who are you to say that I don’t believe in beauty? Excuse me. RUDE. Goodbye. That was my first reaction when I heard that. But then I read the rest of the sentence, which says, “...we make of it a mere appearance in order the more easily to dispose of it.” Still a little harsh, I mean...why am I creating things if someone is just going to throw it away? But that is not what he means. He means that what majority the world calls “beautiful” today, is reduced to photoshop, auto-tune, deep-frying, and recycled metaphors.

Real beauty is much deeper than that. Its not just fleeting attractiveness to the eyes or ears or stomach. Its something that transcends time. Its something that pushes our intake beyond quick self-gratification and into conscientious appreciation. That is evident in every form of art. Seeing the Mona Lisa trumps any instagram filter. Listening to a symphony is better than Nickleback. Eating a family recipe is more delicious than McDonalds. Reading a work by W.B. Yeats is much more poetic than a rap by Pitbull. A good heart touches more people than 2 pounds of make-up.

Because we ourselves are beautiful creations, it is within our genes to create beauty with our lives. Real beauty.  All of us are artists in some sense, whether or not we believe it, because we are alive. If you don’t believe it, you should. We use our lives to do things. It takes time out of your life to cook food for family. It takes time out of your life to form a friendship. It takes time out of your life to make art.

I said a month ago that I would self-release a CD by now, but amidst my writing and producing, I was contacted by Mercy Crew Publishing and was asked whether or not I would like their help in releasing my music. Which, of course, I said yes to. Due to this gracious and incredible help, I will be able to spend more time crafting the music into better quality and better beauty than I can in my room. So, its going to take longer than expected. I am sorry about that, folks! But, good things come to those who wait, right? In the meantime, here’s a link to a free download of one of the songs I recorded in my room this past month. Its called “Airport.” I spend a lot of time travelling. This summer is no exclusion... So. Much. Travelling. A lot of big things are happening this summer and on top of that, I’m moving at the end of it! But even if you don’t travel a lot, I’m sure you’ve had to say goodbye to somebody. And it sucks, but its a part of life. Life changes fast and this song is about that. Hope you enjoy it!

[gabtothezilla]

The Desert

Lent begins in about an hour. 40 days. It begins with ashes on our heads reminding us that we come from dust and "to dust we shall return." It ends with renewal in Christ's victory over death, celebration, and plastic eggs loaded with candy.

So, what about the in-between? The grueling days when all you can think about is what you give up. The Fridays when all you want is a Chik-fil-a sandwhich, but you can't have it. The days when you forget and feel horrible. Why do we go through these days? 

To show people how "pious" we are? 

No. All of us are broken in our own ways. 

To remind ourselves how we are worth nothing? 

No. We are made worthy in Christ.

We are also made in His image and likeness. We are made out of love and for love. So how do you love someone who loves you back? You do things with them. Your lives intertwine and begin to look alike. 

Love himself spent 40 lonely, hungry, thirsty, and temptation-filled days in the desert, began his ministry, and then died on the cross. So, if we love Love, our lives shouldn't only be intertwined in Love's victory, but also in Love's suffering, in Love's dying to self, in Love's dying for us. If we love Love, then we should probably go into the desert with Him.

My spiritual director is not the happiest man on earth. He likes to call himself "real." I call it grumpy. But whatever. Anyways, I was going through a bit of a dry and lonely patch, emotionally and spiritually, last semester. And it ssuucckkeedd. So, after complaining to him, he gave me a picture of Jesus in the desert. I was like, "This picture is depressing...but thanks?" He said, "See this desert? You are here in the desert and Jesus is with you. You are not alone. Jesus was called into the desert to learn and listen. You are called to do the same. We all have our own deserts. I have this picture for myself in a frame. You were placed in this desert in this time for a reason...so pray, figure it out, and deal with it." 

We go through these 40 desert-like days to detach ourselves from things that can't really love us back and to grow closer to Love and learn how to love better. Lord knows that the desert is not an easy place to be in, but the Lord also knows that victory, peace, and joy is on its way. These 40 days (and any other time of desolation) are God's way of asking us to trust Him in a deeper way, to look to Him when our feet are failing, and to hope in things unseen.

Will you join Him?

P.S. I like this picture a lot better.

[gabtothezilla]

The Cool Kids

Rather than "finding myself" when I was growing up, I hid myself. After the incredibly weird middle school years, I wanted to be the cool kid that everyone liked. I wanted to be one of the cool kids. To me, being cool meant that nothing phased me. It meant that everything was locked up and taken care of. Emotions were for sissies and drama was for the self-centered. I was too cool for all of that. Too strong and independent for that. Besides, every time I was careless enough to let a little bit of my real self seep through the "coolness," it was either awkward or painful.

So I kept the walls up because I didn't like being awkward and I didn't like being hurt. I built and I built and I built. The musician wall, the overachiever wall, the leader wall, the sarcasm wall, the crying-is-lame wall, and more, and more, and more....till I ended up building the I-don't-need-your-love wall. All because I so desperately wanted to be cool. All because I wanted to exceed everybody's expectations. All because, ironically, I wanted to be loved. I guess in college, I achieved a level of coolness. People knew of me in the department. People knew of me in campus ministries. My walls weren't necessarily bad walls...but did these people actually know me? Or just the walls I put around me?  Some people waste everything to be loved. They throw everything they have into a person or a thing or an activity. I hid everything to be loved. I told myself that its better to be safe than to be sorry...that independence is the way to go. But was I really safe? Was I really okay on my own?

There I was, singing, playing, or speaking about love and God every week with people... about how His love is all we need. About how we need to be bold in our faith because it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about us.

But was I content with His love for myself? Did I really believe everything that I was encouraging everyone else to believe? Well....not fully. C.S. Lewis wrote that "to love at all is to be vulnerable." Being vulnerable means being open and honest and true. It doesn't mean that you are weak. It actually takes a whole lot of strength to be vulnerable and to love. Up till recently, I thought I was being strong by not being vulnerable and building walls.

I graduated in December and my internship is ending in 2 days...and I'm just now beginning to find myself under the rubble of broken walls. The walls couldn't stand the weight of a dream being crushed last year. The walls couldn't stand the relentless love from teens and youth ministers every week this summer. They crumbled. The walls couldn't protect the breaking of a heart. But the walls also prevented the healing of a heart. I had to allow the walls to be broken. I had no choice but to be brutally, painfully, and beautifully honest. 

As Outkast sang when I was in middle school, "What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold." If that's the case, I don't want to be the cool kid anymore. I want to give and love and be open, honest, and true. Not cold, but warm. Walls are still being broken and I'm pretty sure there's more walls that I'm not even aware of. 

But what I am aware of now is that I am loved without even trying to earn it. 

That is who I am. 

That is my identity.

[blazepress]

These are pictures of different dried human tears. Grief, laughter, onion and change. Each type has a different chemical makeup which makes them appear different.

[fannytwaddle]

This is sick

[gabtothezilla]

A Little Something, by Gabby Banzon

6 track album

Music copyrights are a pain in a butt. Help a sistah out and buy a cd! 6 songs for $5! What a steal!

[gabtothezilla]

South Africa in black and white