Ms. Jane Crocker

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???? what is this

a question for the ages

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[gainfulgumption-blog]

JUDE: -at some point in the evening, long after the sun had set, regardless of whether jane got some rest or not, the crazy treehouse man is knocking restlessly on her door.- jane JUDE: jane, are you awake? JANE: -She hadn't been able to sleep for long. It took time for her to relax, all the multitudes of thoughts spinning around ceaselessly in her head, enough to be maddening. By the time the silence was finally enough to help her rest, she still hadn't been out long enough to sleep deeply; just the tapping on the door was enough to wake her easily. She didn't rise immediately, though; she knew once she did, whatever was about to happen was all the more inevitable. She took in a slow breath, and responded.- JANE: Yes, I'm up. JUDE: okay, good -leans on the door frame a little- JUDE: because we need to leave JUDE: I have everything packed that I need to take JANE: ... I suppose you don't have any spare clothes. JANE: -She finally starts to sit up, glancing around the room. It would have been way more convenient to bring clothes wherever she went for this moment, but that made absolutely no sense before.- JUDE: ... well JUDE: there might be some things in my parent's old room JUDE: or even my sister's... -he's not sure if she could fit into any of their clothes... maybe joey's- JUDE: I'll-- I'll check -scoots away, leaving something behind at the door- JANE: -She can hear his footsteps trailing away, and she sits still for a few more moments before gathering her resolve completely and standing. It's time to get this show on the road, for better or worse!- JANE: -She moves for the door, pulling it open and peering into the hall.- JUDE: -he left behind... a carrier. full of pigeons. three pigeons, to be exact. and they're all STARING AT HER.- JANE: ... Oh. JANE: -Looks around like. The fuck?- JANE: -Bends down a little to get a better look at them. Pigeons were always sort of cute with their little bobble heads...- JANE: I didn't know you had birds, -she calls out. The house is so empty, surely he'll hear her wherever he is.- JUDE: -calls back to her- oh, yes JUDE: they're my carrier pigeons -emerges from a bedroom down the hall lugging a suitcase.- I call them... the lone gunbirds -he actually smiles in reference to this. PRETTY CLEVER, RIGHT? he seems to think so.- JUDE: the gray one is frohike, the white one is langly, and the brown one is byers... JANE: -It takes her a second or two, and she looks up at him suddenly.- ... Oh my gosh. You mean those hackers in the X-Files? JUDE: -his eyes are so shiny- yeah! exactly! do you watch it? it's-- oh JUDE: right, here -hands the luggage over to her- I uh... wasn't sure what you'd like so I grabbed a little bit of everything... JUDE: we can talk more about amazing television series when we're on the road, I guess JANE: ... Thank you, Jude. -She allows herself a little smile, captchaloguing the suitcase into her recipe sylladex.- JANE: On that note, um... JANE: I assume you have a plan of action for accomplishing said road bludgeoning? JUDE: ... ah... well JUDE: taking public transport is too risky JUDE: so I was thinking we... -hoists up the bird cage, making a case of what a spectacle he is. a disheveled looking man in a trench coat toting around birds.- JUDE: hitch hike? JANE: ... JANE: -Keep it together, Jane. So he doesn't have a car, she can assume. And he looks like a weirdo. This is going to go absolutely terribly unless she can think of something fast.- JANE: ... JANE: Well-- now just-- hold on. -scrambles through her sylladex, lips pursed, until she finally finds what she's looking for and holds it up between them proudly.- Wear this. JANE: -It's a beaglepuss.- JUDE: ... JUDE: ... JUDE: ... JUDE: are you kidding JANE: I never kid, Jude. JUDE: -squints... but takes the beaglepuss and affixes it to his face, OVER the glasses he's already wearing.- hrm -twitches nose and makes the moustache dance- JUDE: ah-- -SNEEZES and knocks them off his face, where they land pathetically on the floor between them.- ... JANE: .... -Looks down at the fallen beaglepuss. Hello darkness my old friend. She leans down to scoop it up and slide it right back onto Jude's face.- JANE: Now, please do your best to keep it on. -Casually equips her own moustache, smoothing it over her lip.- As long as we look like harmless moustachioed funnymen down on our luck, surely someone will take pity on us. JUDE: I don't know jane JUDE: I realize I have the appearance of a complete and utter whackadoo as it is JUDE: but as someone who has a little more socialization than I do I... guess I'm trusting your judgement here JUDE: ... I guess being entirely conspicuous is uh... off putting so-- um anyway yeah JUDE: let's go -starts heading towards the stairs, but pauses- JUDE: ... we're going to washington by the way JANE: Washington? JANE: What's in Washington...? -Aside from being the place she's sure her dad grew up. But that's not really relevant, surely.- JUDE: -ACTUALLY- JUDE: james lives there JUDE: lived JUDE: his house is there -begins his decent down the stairs.- JUDE: it's fortified to protect against the kinds of threats we might be encountering JUDE: perfect for laying low until the uu gets here JUDE: -pauses at the end of the stairs, where the front door is. he just stares at it for a good long moment.- JANE: Well, that is awfully convenient. -She's not too worried about the money portion of the trip, so she doesn't bother asking. Assuming the currency in this universe isn't any different, at least. She's always been fairly loaded.- JANE: -She follows him down, pausing behind him in wait... before realizing this is quite a long wait, and then remembering why.- JANE: ... Jude? JUDE: -snaps out of it when he's addressed, swallowing down the dread and anxiety bubbling up from the pit of his stomach.- yes? yes JUDE: I'm fine JUDE: if that's what you're wondering JUDE: ... JUDE: l... ladies first? JANE: -Jane doesn't say anything more. At least the nap had helped settle the frustration she had felt earlier, and now, in the face of his apparent struggle, she feels mostly sympathy. Carefully, she navigates her way around him with a sigh, grabbing the handle of the front door and giving it a twist. A nice breeze greets them when she pulls the door ajar, and so does the darkness of the night. Not the ideal time for travel, but she supposed that was why he had wanted to do it.- JANE: -She steps out a few paces, checking over her shoulder for him once she's down the front steps.- JUDE: -he's only managed to make it into the doorway at that point, eyes trained on the stairs themselves, trying his damndest to focus on that literal first step. he could rationalize all manner of thing. he wondered why it had to be so hard to convince himself that he could do this. there was a time when he lived an active life on the outside... albeit one of constant fear, but he still did it. he could do it again, right?- JUDE: -his gaze shifts up towards jane then. at least this time he wouldn't be alone. she might be a stranger, but she's as lost and confused as he is in this terrifying world. so with an overwhelming amount of energy, he starts to make his shaky descent down the steps and into the front yard.- JANE: -Something about this moment, seeing his fear and then his resolve, she can't help a kind of proud smile from tugging at her mouth. She doesn't really know him, either, but she knows this can't have been easy. If for no other reason than that, she's compelled to touch a hand to his forearm once he's close enough, supportively, just for a moment.- JANE: Well, how hard can a little road trip be? We've got the cover of night, the company of the Gunbirds, and some pretty fantastic facial equipment, if I do say so myself. JANE: Ah... How far is Hauntswitch from Washington, anyhow? JUDE: -her comforting words are more helpful than she knows, and maybe even more helpful than he ever would have realized before. it had been such a long time since he'd known the support of anyone.- JUDE: it's... um JUDE: a twenty hour drive JUDE: roughly JANE: Oh. JANE: Well... JANE: -She crunches through the grass, making sure he's still beside her as they cross the yard, passing each tree and leaving it behind them.- A few days, if we're incredibly lucky. JANE: A week... still, if we're lucky. JANE: -She nods once.- That doesn't sound too bad. JUDE: it... it should be alright, yes JUDE: -the yard is large and a good distance from the road which slopes down the slight incline of a hill. this is where the other houses in the neighboorhood can be found and, of course, the crocker corp building just at the end of it. the red structure sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of this relatively small town, and jude can't take his eyes off it.- JUDE: o... once we're in town... maybe we should pick up some things JUDE: like um JUDE: food I guess -he's having a hard time thinking. and breathing. there's so much damn SPACE out here...- JANE: -It's hard for her gaze not to be drawn to it, too, and despite what she's been told, she can't help feeling a sense of... relief and familiarity at the bright red building, compared to everything else that's happening here. There's a voice in the back of her head still telling her she should go there, but the sound of Jude's heavy breaths next to her has her looking back at him again.- JANE: Jude... JANE:  -This time, she isn't as brief and hesitant as the arm touch before. She takes his free hand, holding it firmly in hers.- JANE: You're darn tootin' we're getting some goodies. And once we get to your cousin's house, who I can only assume isn't some kind of ovenless barbarian, I'll fix you something proper. JANE: Town is this way, correct? -She's leading confidently, nodding toward buildings in the distance.- JUDE: y... yeah -tries to distract himself thinking about the promise of an actual, factual home cooked meal- JUDE: I can't even remember the last time I had food that wasn't canned, dried, or microwavable... JUDE: -he also preoccupies himself with her warmth against his god awful clammy hand. every so often, reflexively, he squeezes her's, and it helps him close the distance from his house to the end of the street.- JANE: Tsk. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am not about to let that go uncorrected! JANE: Not to toot my own horn, but I can whip up a pretty resplendent baked good. What do you like? Tiramisu? Sponge cake? Fruit tart? JANE: I haven't made mousse in a few days, either... JANE: Or should we just keep it simple and go for a old good fashioned chocolate chip cookie? JUDE: -oh no... the thought alone brings him back. way back. visits to aunt juniper's, plates and plates of cookies just waiting for him and his sister. come to think of it, jane kind of reminds him of her... that would make sense, wouldn't it?- JUDE: cookies sound... perfect

JUDE: -while jane might be taking the lead for his sake, he does provide some navigational help. the town is a little different from how he remembers by way of the structure, and a lot different by way of the atmosphere. you could cut the tension with a betty crocker brand kitchen knife. the streets are, for the most part, deserted, save for the occassional pair of patroling trolls, brandishing the trident logo so easily recognized as a symbol of the condesce and alternia.- JUDE: -somehow, experiencing this first hand is even more horrifying than anything his imagination could have cooked up about it. maybe it kickstarts some kind of fight or flight reflex, but witnessing the state of things outside his treehouse seems to kickstart an adrenaline rush that gives him a little more confidence.- JUDE: -when they reach the nearest convenience store, he asks jane to go inside and grab food while he "stands guard" outside and bums for a ride at the same time. two birds with one stone. though he doesn't use that analogy around his birds. that's just impolite.- JUDE: -so here he is... on the street corner, thumb out, dressed the way he is. there's no way he isn't going to draw some kind of attention. hopefully it's the kind he wants.- PENNY: -Well, he's certainly got the attention of someone, alright. She was driving her car down one of the quieter highways through the country, her route sort of aimless; she considered heading back to Texas, what with how close it was, but the closer she got, the more she reconsidered. Brett's adoptive family had already left the planet, and her own? Well, she didn't really want to see them. So for now the destination was anywhere with something to see before she inevitably kicked it, which... seemed to be encroaching swiftly, if not by the trolls then by her own terrible habits that seemed to be all she had lately.- PENNY: -And then there were things like this that made her consider postponing the whole idea, at least for a minute. A town that seemed nigh deserted, ominous, and the very last thing she expected to see in that kind of place... a guy on the side of the road, trenchcoat around him and a pair of those goofy ass big nose spectacles on his face and a cage in hand with something inside too small for her to decipher in this darkness until she hits her breaks and pulled up alongside him.- PENNY: -In short, this is one hell of a fucking hobo, and she's about it. Her passenger side window rolls down with a soft mechanical whirr, and she leans across the passenger seat toward it, making a show of eyeballing him.- PENNY: well looks like someones going down yelling timber in this shit show of a trollocalypse. wheres the party at Groucho? PENNY: I would have gone with the dicknose glasses myself. JUDE: -when the car pulled up, he realized all at once that he will now have to make conversation with another complete stranger. and he is just... so bad at that. of course, this only becomes more complicated when the car window rolls down to realize an absolutely stunning red head is the driver. AH YES. THIS IS EXACTLY HIS LUCK.- JUDE: I... -stammers, thankful it's dark out and he has this stupid disguise covering up the blush creeping onto his face- JUDE: I'm trying to keep a low profile JUDE: a "dicknose" would attract the wrong kind of attention -nailed it- PENNY: oh yeah. I can see the low profile thing for sure. PENNY: whats in the cage? -kinda leans around- JUDE: um... -lifts it so she can see better.- my birds JUDE: carrier pigeons, to be specific PENNY: -She's already grinning, but a little more at that.- aww. PENNY: well I guess you cant leave those guys behind. youre not dicknose after all. PENNY: where you going? JUDE: washington JUDE: state, that is... PENNY: huh. PENNY: never been to that corner of the map. PENNY: but theres a first time for everything get in. JUDE: wha-- what?? really? that... that easily? PENNY: did you want to barter for it like its the eighteenth century? PENNY: cuz I can get down with that for a second. lemme see your face. JUDE: -WHAT IS... WHAT??- I can't-- well... shit -he can't very well wear this the entire time, can he? well, if she's going to trust him so easily... he sighs and takes the beaglepuss off. he is quite flustered.- PENNY: -She waits, blinking, brows raising. He definitely looks less goofy now, but... cute. Not quite what she was expecting, and a little red in the cheeks, she can see.- PENNY: oh yeah definitely get in. PENNY: you can put your birds in the back seat. JUDE: ... if you're sure... -shuffles to do that. oh, right.- JUDE: I... I forgot JUDE: somehow... JUDE: I'm not alone JUDE: my... -knits brows.- associate? is in the store PENNY: you forgot about your associate. PENNY: that doesnt sound shifty at all my dude. PENNY: whos your associate? JANE: -HERE COMES ME. She's actually done in there and was already looking around for him before realizing he was chatting someone up, so she waits politely nearby, just... staring.- PENNY: ... lemme guess. JUDE: ... yes JUDE: we're in uniform, you see -hahah... glances back at jane.- JUDE: I... got us a ride JANE: -She peers around Jude now, trying to get a better look. Well. The driver is a girl and a human, and that's kind of a relief for several reasons she doesn't want to think about too hard.- Well, I won't be looking this gift horse in the mouth. Let's hop in the carriage before it gallops away, shall we? -Dirk would appreciate that one, she thinks.- PENNY: well one of you better say giddyup or this pony aint going nowhere. JUDE: let's JUDE: saddle up then JUDE: ... -he wishes he hadn't said that. he is filled with much regret. ANYWAY. the pigeons are in the back seat, and he's laying claim to shot gun for reasons. at least jane won't be alone back there.- JANE: -She is fine with this. Frankly, the birds seem like good companions. She hops in, carefully scooting the cage over to the other seat... and buckling it in. You're safe now, birds.- PENNY: snrrrrk. -while they get in, she's pulling out a cigarette and sticking it in her mouth, muttering around it while she fishes out her lighter.- if youre horny lets do it... ride it my pony... -flicks lighter and inhales smoke, rolling her window down to blow it out. Now that they're all settled, she shifts the car back into gear and... promptly cuts a U turn in the middle of the road, heading back the way she was coming from originally.- PENNY: so how long have you two been loitering around Nowhere Colorado?(edited) JANE: -Well... she just got here by a strange portal, but she finds it prudent not to say so. She's fielding this one to Jude.- JUDE: -that decision may or may not be a mistake. it's pending in the second that it takes jude to figure out what kind of story he wants to feed to this stranger. but trust him, no matter what he says, it's purposeful.- JUDE: ... I live here -looks at her, unclinging himself from whatever he could grab when they suddenly turned.- lived here JUDE: I guess JUDE: and she JUDE: is passing through JUDE: ... JUDE: from an gateway leading to an alternate universe JUDE: -wiggly fingers as he suddenly spills all these secrets.- now we're headed for my cousin's house in washington JUDE: he lived in fortified bunker in an inconspicuous white picket fence suburban home in a retirement community JUDE: and we're taking this technology there to keep it safe from crocker corp and the condesce until we get help from our rogue companions on a spaceship formerly criminalized by taskforce tumut to deflect blame from them when this beforan and alternian war began!! JANE: -FACEPALMS IN THE BACK SEAT.- PENNY: -Huh.- huh. PENNY: -she sucks in another lungful of smoke.-  uh huh. thats cool. -Like there wasn't anything weird about that statement. Frankly, right now, she doesn't really care if it's true or not. It sounds hilarious.- PENNY: so I guess you guys havent seen the blockades? JUDE: -okay, good, he was kind of banking on her just thinking he's a crazy person and gave it no time of day. glances back at jane. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE DAIJOUBU.- JUDE: I can't say that I have... personally... JANE: -THAT ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS JUDE!!! We're supposed to keep her from KICKING US OUT, is what her expression says. Mostly the eyeroll part.- PENNY: mmm. all the major roads. PENNY: usually at the toll booths. half of anybody that tries gets through. Ill let you use your imagination with what happens to the other half. PENNY: youre lucky I picked you up. I just came in from this way so I already know where they are. PENNY: at least until we get about mid Cali. PENNY: you gotta pay the troll toll if you wanna get in this countrys hole.(edited) JUDE: -EVERYTHING. IS GOING TO BE. DAIJOUBU. JANE.- JUDE: ... JUDE: I'd rather not use my imagination actually JUDE: it's pretty active PENNY: oh? thats good news. PENNY: -side eye winks at him and vrooms just a little faster- PENNY: anyway Ill figure something out. skim the maps a little. PENNY: dont wanna die before I see Washington. PENNY: hear it gets pretty cold up there. PENNY: maybe Ill pick an apple. PENNY: who knows. PENNY: could get crazy. JUDE: -HE HAS REGRETS. AGAIN. glances out the window with color creeping across his face.- washington is nice JUDE: from what I remember anyway JUDE: it's worth seeing JUDE: before dying JUDE: ... as opposed to after dying JUDE: -fuCK- JANE: -just. buries face in hands forever back here.- PENNY: -okay now she's outright giggling.- dunno. PENNY: think I would make a pretty great ghost. PENNY: and I gotta cruise around to find the best place to haunt you know? PENNY: lets be real though theres nowhere thatd be funnier than a toaster. PENNY: maybe a spatula. JUDE: ... or an oven maybe? -imagining baked goods flying out of a possessed oven for SOME reason. he blames jane.- JUDE: though I wouldn't suggest washington for that JUDE: it's not populated enough, and I don't think the people are very superstituous JUDE: if you're going to haunt someplace, it should be in the south PENNY: oh thanks baby. PENNY: those rednecks have it coming anyhow. PENNY: -casually switches hands and offers him her cigarette. it's stained with a wine-colored lipstick.- PENNY: guess that explains Georgia huh? JUDE: -baby... HE HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED THAT BEFORE BY A LADY THAT WASN'T, LIKE, HIS MOTHER. and now he's being offered a cigarette?? how did she know he smokes? does he look like a smoker? does she know things she shouldn't know? or er... okay this might a case where he's over analyzing things. maybe. regardless, he's kind of stuck now and he would like to have a lipstick stained cigarette so he's going to accept it.- JUDE: a lot of things might explain georgia actually PENNY: -snickers- alright no need for a history lesson. PENNY: point is youre welcome for picking you up. PENNY: most people arent willing to risk roaming around the country. you either try your dubious luck or youre homestuck. PENNY: i prefer the former frankly. JUDE: I... JUDE: am definitely not regretting that risk JUDE: at least not yet JUDE: I guess there's still time for you to reveal yourself as some sort of femme fatale crocker corp spy, or maybe even a serial killer, or... JUDE: well I could probably come up with a lot of theories -discards some ash out the open window. um. hopefully jane's window isn't open.- JUDE: but we don't have much choice JANE: -pBFBFBTHFHT. ROLLS HER WINDOW UP IMMEDIATELY. Why didn't she think about this as a consequence...- JANE: -stares into the distance. B|- PENNY: -LAUGHS AGAIN.- thats always nice to hear. PENNY: that youre someones choice right up there with a serial killer. PENNY: you think Im a femme fatale though? thank you. PENNY: I try. PENNY: thats a joke. PENNY: or is it... PENNY: anyway Im Penny. PENNY: Penny Lane Piper. JUDE: ... -PENNY LANE IS IN MY EEEAAAAARS AND IN MY EEEEEYYYYEES.- you're... kidding JUDE: -clears throat- I'm JUDE: my name is jude PENNY: -side eyes him even more, smiling slow.- PENNY: hey Jude. PENNY: bet you havent heard that one before. JUDE: only every time I've introduced myself to a fellow human being JUDE: ... except... -looks back at jane. he isn't sure if she wants to give out her real name... or if he should introduce her on her behalf?- JANE: -clears her throat.- Jane. PENNY: heh. jude jane and penny lane. were practically our own song as it is. JUDE: -that makes him smile a little bit.- ... we are going on the kind of trip people sing about JUDE: but usually there are less death tolls PENNY: nah. PENNY: the song of my life pretty much necessitates death tolls. PENNY: -reaches for her cigarette again, just sort of papping the side of Jude's face.- JANE: -She is feeling so comfortable in the back of this vehicle right now, let her tell you.- JUDE: uh-- um...-WHY SHE TOUCH HIM- oh -passes it back. he almost forgot about returning it. whoops.- JUDE: is it really that apt? JUDE: ... or are you being facetious JUDE: because I wouldn't be surprised either way -sorry jane... but actually- PENNY: -BREATHES THE GOOD AIR. smiles at him and breathes smoke back out.- PENNY: youre really set on me being a murderer huh? PENNY: -looks back to the road.- nah. PENNY: my storys a lot less glamorous. PENNY: though I was pretty glamorous despite it all. PENNY: thats what we in the biz call star quality. JUDE: -glances over at her again- ... you're an actress? JUDE: you do kind of have JUDE: that JUDE: old school hollywood JUDE: aesthetic PENNY: a kiss on the hand may be quite continental but diamonds are a girls best friend. JANE: Oh! I love that one... JANE: -considers Moulin Rouge fondly.....- JANE: -But also just considers old movies fondly...- PENNY: right? PENNY: anyway yeah Im an actress. PENNY: mostly a model these days. PENNY: or I guess I was. PENNY: not much of that going on right now as you can see. JUDE: -imagines her in the satine garb for a second but quickly dismisses the thought. but he can't dismiss the blush.- ... it's gotta be hard to hold a career in anything these days PENNY: ha! it was hard enough before. PENNY: I wouldve killed to grow up in a place like this. -mutters a little, but she doesn't clarify. she blows smoke out of the window, coughing a few times. she goes quiet suddenly when she sees headlights distantly behind them.- JUDE: ah... -the quiet is unsettling, because he isn't really sure how to make conversation without someone taking the lead. his attention fixes on the headlights too and hopes for a moment that they aren't being FOLLOWED!!- mrrg JUDE: -looks back at his pigeons and murmurs to jane- (how are they?) PENNY: -Well, Penny isn't taking any chances. She takes a somewhat sudden turn -- not too fast, but sudden enough, so she can check if they're actually following them.- JANE: Oh, they're just grEAT--! PENNY: -THA-THUNK. Oh, they ran over the edge of the curb a little. That's fine.- PENNY: -She keeps going down this residential road, and she's watching closely. She sees the lights make the same turn, and there's a distant grinding sound as she shifts the car into a higher gear.- JUDE: o-oh shit -AAAHH. well, now he doesn't feel so paranoid for believing they might be followed. maybe penny is just as paranoid as him? the thought makes him blush more. pathetic...- JUDE: -glances back at the headlights again with wide eyes.- do you... are you going to outrun them??? PENNY: Im gonna make sure they dont follow us. -With the gear shifted, she hits the gas hard, speeding down this road much faster than the speed limit would have allowed. The neighborhood that flies by in the flashes of the headlights seems somewhat trashed, but it's not a new sight to Penny. The car is accelerating quickly, and she loops back around to the main road, only going faster. The headlights behind them are still visible enough to know that whoever is behind intends to continue being there, but Penny's just smirking at the rearview mirror.- JANE: Yes--! We're outrunning them! I think? -turns around.- Oh. PENNY: -Yep, that sight in her rearview is getting closer faster. She had a feeling. She shifts gears even higher, and she's practically flooring it. There's the sight of a low bridge constructed over a lake approaching in the distance, a sign flying by: "BRIDGE MAY ICE IN COLD WEATHER."- PENNY: HOLD ON TO YOUR TITS. -She veers off the road before the guard rails block the way, and they're going so fast in the hover car they zoom right down the subtle slope onto the lake shore, heading right for the water. There's the distinct jerk of the vehicle as they bounce into the water.- JANE: -SHE IS JUST!!! SCREAMING!!!!- JUDE: -definitely screeching at this point also- PENNY: -But the speed combined with the function of the car works in their favor -- in fact, they're zooming right over the surface of the lake, and Penny keeps the speed up, pedal to the floor.- HAHAHAHA!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! SUCK IT BITCHEEESSS.(edited) JANE: -IS SHE DEAD YET??? JESUS CHRIST.- JUDE: -clinging to the door and his seat like a cat being dunked into a bath tub, which is similar to the fate he was expecting but much to his surprise, they might just make it out of this?- ha... hahaHAHAH JUDE: oh my god PENNY: -She's focusing on getting them across the lake, thankfully, but she takes this victorious moment as she watches the headlights fade in the distance behind them to offer some more curses.- AND YALL CAN EAT THAT GREASY DICK WHILE YOURE AT IT. JANE: -Why that image in this moment. She's going to be ill. This is entirely badass, though, she will admit. BUT ALSO WHY.- PENNY: -She's pulling them onto shore behind some lakeside houses, apparently, an even worse thunk than the curb as they slide across grass, speed too high to stop as she jerks them between a house and its garage, pavement smoking from the fuel scorching it. She's got to find a place to slow this puppy down and fast, but also she just realized she dropped her cigarette in the midst of that and now it's trying to burn her lap.- FUCK FUCK FUCK. -She's hitting the brakes!! The car sort of fishtails from wrestling with all this momentum, barreling onto another street and narrowly missing some trees on the way, and she just manages to guide the car down the actual road until it stops and throws her door open, slapping the cigarette off of her lap and into the street.- and then I get fucking PUSSY BURNS? RRGH. PENNY: -Huffs, and then she seems to remember the other two are still there and looks to the side, over her shoulder. She grins slowly.- you two still alive? JUDE: -stares at her, absolutely MORTIFIED, but somehow he's giving her a buck toothed grin in return.- ... b... barely JUDE: no that's a lie JUDE: I haven't JUDE: felt this alive in a long time PENNY: HA! YEAH thats what the fuck Im talking about! -she's smiling at him still, more than pleased, little laughs bubbling up still from the adrenaline.- JANE: ... I. JANE: ... Am going to just. Have another nap. PENNY: -pulls her door shut again and gets the car moving once more.- do what you want there sugar. PENNY: gonna just put some distance between us and the fuckwads first and then we can refuel. PENNY: I mighta killed a good bit of the tank just now. PENNY: and hopefully not anything else. PENNY: other than my lady bits but you know. PENNY: cest. la. fucking. vie. JUDE: hahaha... JUDE: cest la JUDE: vie... -wheezes gently- JUDE: -he isn't sure how he managed it, he is almost entirely certain that they happened upon the perfect person to drive them to their destination. well, assuming they don't die on the way there first.-

[gainfulgumption-blog]

JUDE: -it's broad daylight. he knows he shouldn't chance it, but the looming presence of a red building, mid construction by alternian carpenter droids, serves as a chilling reminder that his time here might be short. he has a lot to do, a lot to prep for.- JUDE: -he quickly crosses the yard, ducking into tesseract's old dog house (like he does every time) before peeking out and making one last mad dash into the manor. dust bursts in small clouds around his feet when he steps inside, hastily closing the glass doors behind him. he's in.- JUDE: -the ascent to the attic is the worst part. every creak in the stairway has him jumping, heart racing. it might be frustrating if he wasn't so used to living like this at this point. he knows it's entirely justified.- JUDE: -after reaching the top floor, the tugs on the rope cord that reveals the final set of steps into the attic. he hoards all manner of thing around the house, but this... this is where the most important piece of alien technology can be found: a cherubim portal to another world. that's what he speculated it to be, anyway, based on the snake like design twisting around the gateway. it's actually kind of depraved, given the context of cherub culture-- but now is not the time to think of that.- JUDE: -on and off for years now, he has been trying to get it to work. he isn't half the inventor his father was (is, he would adamantly insist if he were asked about it) but he had been studying all things cherub long enough to comprehend the machinics of this strange device better than most might.- JUDE: -last time he was here, he got it to turn on. a bright, otherworldly light swirled inside the gate, but it was no more telling than a map and gps projected on the control panel screen. obviously it was some kind of transporation device, but there had to be something more. he was keen on figuring that out right now, while he still had a moment of solitude.- JANE: -Now, honestly, what the hell was all this?- JANE: -She had been spending weeks -- no, months -- sorting out the various legalities and back end necessities that came with owning a baked goods empire. That was not even to mention the corporation's foray into experimental branches, the likes of which often had very little paperwork and very much technology involved.- JANE: -Of course, things like the Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop and the Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring/Poking Solution 50000 made plenty enough sense to her, but things like the one in front of her now, the strange... what was it, an ancient doorframe? Those things just didn't make the cut in any sort of practical capacity.- JANE: -Well, at least not until she could figure out what exactly it was. And that was exactly what she was here to find out! Most of the inventions at least had some hint as to what they were, but this? It would almost looked like something that belonged in a medieval video game, if it weren't for things the satellite dishes at the top, perched in the mouths of those... coiling things.- JANE: -She stared at it from fifteen feet back for a good minute or so before signing and resolving that she wasn't going to make any progress like this -- she needed to tackle this beast head on. Even if it meant scaling every scaly inch of this thing!- JANE: -Or, at least, that was the thought process she had before climbing up a few steps and noticing the suddenly too-bright light that seemed to glimmer through the archway. Had it... reacted to her somehow? Could it be programmed that way?- JANE: -Perhaps it was a damnable curiosity that got the better of her, because it did still look so much like a doorway. She hauled herself up the final step, but the moment she could form the thought that the light suddenly felt almost tangible, it was hurtling her like a furious river, everywhere and nowhere at once.- JUDE:  -who knows what might have triggered the response. maybe he finally put in the right sequence of commands, or maybe it was a force entirely beyond his control. surely, he'd have a thousand theories once the dust cleared, but for now he could only find himself disarmed by the sudden whirr of the machinery, kicking up strange energies that encompass a large radius around the gate in shades of red and green. but there's nothing festive about the way it sends him reeling like a gust of wind, tumbling flat on his ass and stunned for a good long moment until he finds himself staring at... the haloed figure of another human being?- JANE: -She has to blink a few too many times, gasp the air back into her because it felt like she hadn't breathed for minutes, even though it couldn't have been more than a few seconds.- JANE: -But in that moment, she realizes she's not looking at the gate anymore. She's right at the top of those same stairs but facing the other way, like she's exiting, and there on the floor, a guy is staring at her behind thick glasses.- JANE: -And this is definitely not Crocker property.- JANE: Um. JANE: ... Who in the heck are you? -Nailed it.- JUDE: wha-- -fumbles to adjust his glasses, as if his sight might be failing him somehow, before scrambling to his feet.- who am I? who are YOU??? kitters - Today at 12:21 AM JANE: -Okay. That sure was a response. It seemed telling enough at least that he wasn't privy to what just happened, so she takes a few seconds to get a better look at her surroundings.- JANE: -It looks like she's in a house. A fairly nice one, all things considered. And... she's definitely stepping out of a doorway -- or rather, a gateway identical to the one in the storage facility.- JANE: I suppose I'm the current owner of... the other half of whatever this thing is. JANE: And... JANE: Very confused. JANE: And also named Jane Crocker. JUDE: crocker? -echos the surname, terrified to hear it at a time like this. but then it clicks -- jane. - JUDE: jane... I know you. you're... you're the heiress. -but didn't she go missing some time ago, aboard that TUMUT ship? he starts pacing, but keeps his eyes trained on her while he tries to piece this mystery together.- JUDE: where did you come from? -asks quickly, but then flails his hands and shakes his head.- I mean, where does this portal lead to? JANE: -Her brows knit, eyes trained on him as he seems to do a little anxious dance with... his entire body, there. Okay.- JANE: -She's not just the heiress anymore, naturally, but she doesn't feel like correcting him right now. There's more important stuff going on.- Well... JANE: The other half is in my facility. The Crocker Corp facility? The one I own. -OKAY, she said it. Sue her.- So I am sort of wondering why the other half of this teleporting doohickey is in your... is this an attic? JUDE: -stills for a moment. that didn't add up. not by his accounts. he paws at his glasses again, squinting at her from behind thick lenses.- ... when did you return to crocker corp? -he might sound like a crazy person, but if he does, then he really did have grounds to be suspicious.- JANE: Return? JANE: What is that supposed to mean? JANE: And who are you, anywho? JUDE: I can't-- tell you that JUDE: you were away? on a tumut ship JUDE: don't tell me the name "umbral ultimatum" doesn't mean anything to you JANE: Well I am sorry to say I don't have a single darn clue what it means, and you absolutely can tell me who you are! -She's just a little bit ruffled at that answer, stepping off the stairs and toward him -- no, around him, moving for the door.- JANE: I'm going to find out one way or another, thank you. JUDE: -bristles, jerking himself around to watch her move. he can't let her leave. opportunities like this don't just arise every day.- wait, wait JUDE: ... I'm jude JUDE: harley JUDE: jude harley -wringes his hands, wondering if she'll recognize the name. or if she'll pretend she doesn't, if she does...- JANE: -She pauses, turning to look at him.- JANE: Okay. And where exactly are we, Jude? JUDE: ... my house JUDE: well, it was my father's house JUDE: not that he ever used it JUDE: but that's... that doesn't matter -hand flail- JANE: -Okay... this guy... is kind of very strange. She is realizing this more with every passing moment.- I think it probably sort of matters? JANE: Did your father happen to enjoy stealing Crocker Corp property? JUDE: NO -oh oops. he didn't mean to raise his voice. he is disgruntled, though- JUDE: ... if anything it's the opposite JUDE: you... don't you recognize the name harley??? jamison harley maybe? JANE: -WOW. NOW HE IS GETTING ROWDY???- JANE: -She clears her throat.- No! I don't. JANE: Is there a reason I'm experiencing this insane interview at the moment? JANE: I don't know your father, I've never been on a ship in my life, and I have a baked goods business to pull out of the dregs, so would you kindly mind explaining possibly any of this?? JUDE: out of the dregs??? JUDE: I'd really like to make sense of... of all of this but nothing you're telling me is making any sense! JUDE: crocker corp is very literally taking over the world!!! they're even... even putting in a building just up the street from here JUDE: and you -POINTS- you disappeared months and months ago on the umbral ultimatum when they were declared war criminals! so unless someone pulled YOU from the dregs you absolutely did not teleport here from a crocker facility JANE: ... JANE: I am. JANE: Going to. JANE: Go. JANE: This way. JANE: -slowly turns and moves for the door again. She even grabs the handle... AND TURNS IT.- JUDE: no! wait, yes JUDE: fine go that way JUDE: then you can see what I'm talking about! with... with the building -the door leads to a short hall, which in turn leads to the stairway. jude is following whether she likes it or NOT.- JANE: -She REALLY DOESNT LIKE IT ACTUALLY. She's speed walking down this hall and down those stairs. Stop following her, dude!!!!- JANE: The building! Okay! JANE: -rapid thumping down these stairs!!- JUDE: -IT'S HIS HOUSE HE CAN GO WHERE HE WANTS. once they reach the end of the stairs, he pushes past towards the nearest window to draw back the curtains. they're very dusty.- hrrkk -SNEEZES- JUDE: look -rubs his nose on his sleeve and points outside. crocker corp, just in the distance.- JANE: -She really doesn't want to, but the mixture of curiosity and the desire to get this guy to stop heckling wins over all else, and she joins him at the window, rolling her eyes a little at his sneeze.- JANE: -Well. Before they focus on the very obvious red building in construction there.- JANE: ... What? I didn't sanction that... JUDE: yeah, that's what I thought -fixes another intense stare on her- JUDE: jane... you really don't know what I'm talking about at all, do you? JANE: -She looks right back at him again, her gaze more on the irritated end of intense.- One stray building isn't exactly the end of the world. -Except there was an odd feeling in the back of her mind. Her conversations with Dirk, the mysterious Rose... That maybe the things people whispered weren't quite so far fetched after all. But these other questions he asked, she didn't know what to make of them.- JUDE: ... they must have brain washed you JUDE: or... or something -he's back to pacing again- JUDE: I'm chosing to believe you aren't in on all this JUDE: even if you were brainwashed, it's not as if they can hide the effects of an entire war JUDE: hauntwitch is damn LUCKY it didn't get leveled by europans -he's rambling at that point, mostly to himself. there's something he's missing here. what's the answer to this riddle?- JANE: "They?" Who is this "they?" JANE: Europans...? JANE: This is ever increasing nonsense, I hope you realize. JUDE: ugh! the alternians! the condesce's followers inside crocker corp and skaianet JUDE: the same people who've been working to bring her back into power JUDE: and have SUCCEEDED, mind you! JUDE: she's out there somewhere right now with the most powerful entity in the universe BLOWING UP any planet that gets in their way of their agenda!!! -MORE WILD GESTURING. he's getting very worked up about this.- JANE: ... JANE: Okaaaay. JANE: Well. JANE: That is nice and all, but I should really be getting back now. JANE: I think I have heard just about enough of this hogwash for one day. JANE: -She's heading for the front door, now. She intends to head over to the Crocker building and see what's up.- JUDE: -watches her head down stairs instead of up, horrified.- wait, where are you going? -follows AGAIN- JANE: I think the actually reasonable thing to do in this situation is see what they're up to, and get myself back home! JANE: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there is no war happening and I really need to be on my way. JUDE: how can you... urrrggh -think jude, THINK. what could possibly explain this? crocker corp... the condesce... at this point, why would they hide the war from her? if anything, they would need her cooperation. a cute face like her's as crocker's heir and mascot, rallying the people into compliance...- JUDE: -but then he recalls something from his aunt's notes regarding the nature of cherubs. their association with time and space. it might be a reach, but jude's theories have yet to fail him THUS far.- I know what it is JUDE: you're not from here! from this... this plane JUDE: yeah that has to be it JUDE: that portal... is a gate between two universes!!!! JANE: -She stops suddenly, taking in a deep breath and sighing it back out again.- JANE: And you're saying in this universe, my business is run by evil trolls who are taking over the world. JUDE: YES! that's exactly what I'm saying!!! -finally she's GETTING IT. or she's about to mock him again. either way, at least the information is getting across.- JANE: And the "real" Jane is supposed to be on some ship somewhere, frolicking around the galaxy? JANE: -She really wants to keep calling it an insane theory. Why do so many people seem to subscribe to it?? But then, she hasn't seen her father in so long... No, this can't be an explanation for that. She can't be brainwashed. It's just so...- JUDE: yes! yes... that would explain it JUDE: why you've lived a completely different life from... yourself JUDE: your other self JUDE: -fingers wiggle while he thinks- and now... and now... JUDE: if this is true then I need... I really need to bring this to my dad JUDE: or my aunt or someone, anyone JUDE: maybe even... james JANE: -looks over her shoulder at him and just. BB- JANE: James. JANE: ... JANE: James? JUDE: ... egbert JUDE: he's my cousin JUDE: and a skaianet spy JANE: Skaianet... JANE: ... Dirk. JANE: Wait. JANE: Explain. JUDE: uh... which part? JUDE: there's a lot to explain, you know, I need specifics -who tf is dirk- JANE: You said Skaianet spy. JANE: Skaianet is a scientific research development association... JUDE: that's what they WANT you to think JUDE: and sure, for a long time they were! until the alternians began trickling in their own imperial spies, reworking the company from the inside JUDE: they were too powerful for a full on attack, as per the norm for alternians at the time under the direction of the condesce JUDE: since that point, they started conducting a whole lot of dirty work... some working for the ideals of my father-- oh right, my father is the founder of skaianet by the way JUDE: and the others for the empire! JUDE: james is basically a double agent, right? he's... well I have no idea what he's up to these days JUDE: he might have left the company for all I know JUDE: he's harder to track then most.... -muttering to self again- JANE: -stares into camera while he mutters again....- JANE: And you've never heard of Dirk? Dirk Strider? JANE: The Skaianet employee? JUDE: dirk... strider? strider... strider... JUDE: yeah! i know that name JUDE: he worked on the umbral ultimatum too JUDE: -shakes his head- so... he worked for tumut, not skaianet JUDE: ... at least he did in THIS reality JANE: :| JANE: Okay... JANE: I think. JANE: I am going to need to resolve this one way or another. -uncaptchalogues her tiaratop- JUDE: -recoils- >:o JUDE: what is that JANE: It's a computer. JANE: -places it delicately on top of her head- I can talk to a friend with it. JANE: She claims to be staying with Dirk. So. JANE: Maybe we can sort out this whole kerfuffle once and for all, and inject some reality into this silly situation. JUDE: ... a crocker tech computer you wear on your head? JUDE: -grumbles- you're definitely being brainwashed then JUDE: -watches her with some interest, though. either this ends in their location being given away, or he gets some valuable information out of it. or both? probably both with HIS luck.- JANE: -SIGHS MORE.- I really doubt it. JANE: Let me see... -she feels around for a little button on the side of the tiara and projects a screen out. Hello, good old BettyBother!- JANE: -And there's Rose's handle. She pulls it up and thinks out some messages for her.- JANE: See, now you can see there's no brainwashing or what have you. JANE: -sure jane....- JUDE: to be fair, I don't think you'd know... JUDE: -glances nervously at the curtains... shuffles over to close them again.- JANE: Well, to be fair, I still think you're a little delusional. JUDE: -eyeballs her- my paranoia is COMPLETELY justified JANE: Mmmh. JANE: -YEAH. OKAY.- JANE: -Ding! Oh, thank goodness.- JUDE: -leans forward in interest.- ... who is this informant, anyway? JANE: Rose Lalonde. JANE: And I wouldn't call her an informant so much as... JANE: Well. JANE: An acquaintance, with whom I have exchanged a little information now and again. JANE: And a few japes. JUDE: sounds like an informant to me -or a friend- JUDE: lalonde... she worked for tumut too... on the uu -squints- JUDE: you said she knows that dirk character? are they... are they still on the uu now??? JANE: Well, I... JANE: -Wait. She's replying now.- JANE: .... JUDE: -looks at her with his EYES- ... what did she say? JANE: She said. That. JANE: ... JANE: -frowns- JANE: Hold on. I need to make sense of this. JUDE: -crosses his arms- ... she's telling you the same things I am, isn't she? JANE: Hold on, I said. -a little snappy- JUDE: ... fine -FROWNS- JANE: She said... JANE: The Umbral Ultimatum was the old ship she was on. JANE: That they're on a different ship now. JUDE: -brightens- that makes sense! to throw everyone tracking them off their trail... -he's going to have to make note of this- JANE: -She looks a little grimmer with each passing minute, until she finally just... wanders back to one of the stair steps and sits on it, resting her face in her hands.- JUDE: ... -oh, that... that's not a good reaction. he isn't the most sensitive person, but it does occur to him now what a shock all this would be. he approaches her, cautious.- JUDE: ... jane JANE: -She breathes deep again, breathes out slow, just a little shuddery.- JANE: Yes. JANE: This is... JANE: I think. JANE: Um... JANE: ... JANE: Your theory. Might... JUDE: ... -shifts awkwardly- I don't JUDE: I don't know if I can send you back JANE: ... JANE: No. JANE: I don't... JANE: -she shakes her head, face still in her hands, before lifting it again.- JANE: I don't think I can go, anyhow. JANE: Not... like this. JANE: Not until I understand. JANE: Is there... JANE: Anything she should know? Anything you want to tell her? JANE: I think I am about ready to wrap up this discussion. JUDE: -tries to think- I have... an abundence of information JUDE: about skaianet and crocker corp, and cherub culture... and um the technology too -rubs at the back of his neck- like that portal JUDE: I'd be willing to share with them JUDE: especially if... they know where my father is JANE: Who is your father, again? JUDE: jamison harley -draws his hands back in front of him to wringe them anxiously- JANE: She wants to know how old you are? Dingus Dongus - Today at 5:44 PM JUDE: ... uh JUDE: thirty-six... JANE: She seems to know him. And someone named Jade. JUDE: maybe they're all there... on that ship JUDE: I should... we should find them JUDE: or they could find us JANE: In the middle of... all this? JANE: Good luck, Chuck. JUDE: well, in the middle of all this I can't... I can't stay here anymore JUDE: I can't let crocker corp find that portal either! JUDE: and I don't know anywhere else that's safe -huffs- I doubt it's even safe with them but... it's better than this JANE: So we're stuck here in this... JANE: Dusty old house? Unless they find us? JUDE: ... maybe JUDE: there are some places we can go JUDE: ... er... it's just a matter of... getting there... -stares off- JUDE: I haven't left this property in um JUDE: years JANE: .... JANE: How many years? JUDE: -waves hands around, looking embarrassed- uhhh that's not... important... JANE: ... Jude. JANE: If your theory is, in fact, correct, there is a dangerous building down the street from this location. JANE: And that means we probably ought to fly approximately post-haste. JANE: Tell me that's not going to be a problem for you. JUDE: -the hands are back to wringing together- it... hhhh JUDE: it can't be a problem JUDE: I don't have much choice do I?? -glances away with a huff- JANE: I'd say not. JANE: Violent hooligans certainly aren't going to be sympathetic. JANE: I think I might... take a rest for a bit, though. JANE: I need to. Process. All of this. JUDE: r-- right JUDE: there should be enough time for that at least -glances around- JUDE: and that gives me a moment to gather everything... JUDE: there are um... several guest rooms JUDE: ... but they haven't been kept in a while... JANE: ... What exactly have you been doing here all this time? JUDE: umm JUDE: gathering information... JUDE: I actually sleep JUDE: ... outside... JUDE: -mumbles- in the tree house... JANE: ... JANE: Oh, for Pete's sake. JANE: -pushes herself to her feet and starts tromping back up the stairs. here it comes.- This is frankly the most ludicrous situation I've ever been plummeted into in my entire life. JANE: AND I'VE BEEN NEARLY ASSASSINATED MULTIPLE TIMES. JANE: Just another day, Jane! JANE: Just another usual day, with a man who lives in a treehouse and has a creepy portal in his attic in a world that's being taken over by your matron company, BETTY FUCKING CROCKER!!! JUDE: -stumbles back when she encroaches on his direction again, hands up.- I'm sorry??? JUDE: I never asked to live like this either! JUDE: but we can... we can do something about it now JUDE: and maybe... in your own universe... you can stop things from happening there too! why not? I doubt it's without it's own conspiracies -glances backwards, then inches towards a guest bedroom door and opens it up- JUDE: just get some rest JUDE: ... please JUDE: -DON'T YELL AT HIM AGAIN- JANE: -She huffs a little breath at the response -- she didn't mean to fly off the handle, but this whole situation was... more distressing than she wanted to think about. Or believe, still, but... with everything she had learned so far, she had to try to believe something. So far, very little else made sense.- JANE: ... Yeah. Alright. JANE: -The frustration still crawls across her mind as she steps into the bedroom, and it's as dusty as she imagined. She sighs at that, too, before shutting the door behind her. She's not sure she'll actually get any sleep, but she needs some time alone.-

[gainfulgumption-blog]

-- gainfulGumption [GG] began bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] -- GG: Excuse me, Rose. GG: I am in sort of a pickle at the moment. GG: And all things considered, I am ready to be as frank as possible about it. GG: I really hope you're there, because there is a very paranoid boy reading over my shoulder currently. TT: Please, beg pardon. I haven't been checking as diligently as I should. TT: I hope it isn't out of order to comment that things are beginning to sound rather dire. TT:  You do have my ear, for what that's worth. GG: Whew. GG: Well... I suppose I should start at the beginning, for the sake of full disclosure. GG: I am Jane Crocker, former heiress and current owner of the Betty Crocker corporation. TT: Ah. That is illustrious. TT: I wish I could say I was entirely surprised, and give the dramatic reveal its due gravitas, but I've been trying to piece things together with what little you've given me. TT: And what little you haven't given me, as well.  But only a bit. TT: The problem therein-- being Jane Crocker of the Betty Crocker Corporation is the only possible answer that makes sense-- TT: --But also makes none at all. As I know a Jane Crocker of the Betty Crocker corporation. TT: And she is not you. She couldn't be. GG: Oh. GG: ... Okay. GG: This is. GG: Certainly information. TT: Yes. TT: As we are laying all our francs on the table, I thought it only fair to be as upfront with you as you are with me. TT: For the record, I don't think you're lying. GG: Okay. I appreciate that. GG: Even if that would make a lot more sense than what's presently happening. TT: Ha. Yes. TT: Let us see how deep this rabbit hole goes, Alice. GG: Do you happen to know anything about a ship? An Umbral Ultimatum? GG: I was told that I was supposed to have been there. TT: Our last ship. Abandoned when we had to go incognito. TT: Our present vessel is known as the Unbreakable Union. TT: Seemed thematically significant. TT: And you were. For a time. Or-- A Jane Crocker was, I mean. GG: Okay. And... GG: Dirk is with you? GG: Working for Skaianet? TT: You could say that we're working for Skaianet, sure. TT: If one were to refine the concept of Skaianet down. Whittle it away from corporate trappings to a few simple ideas and visionary individuals. GG: Okay. GG: Well. GG: The thing is... GG: I was looking over some more the oddities left in the facility. And one of them transported me to the house of the boy I mentioned, somehow. GG: I would call it a very funny-looking gateway of sorts. TT: Would you happen to know where that is? GG: He said something about... Hauntswitch? Or something of the sort. On Earth. GG: That Earth is, in fact, being taken over by trolls through Crocker and that Skaianet is also taken over. GG: He also says he thinks I'm from a different universe. GG: I think it all sounds pretty ridiculous, to be honest... GG: Except now I'm not sure. GG: Do you know anyone named Jude? Jude Harley? TT: No. Harley is a familiar name. I know the family. TT: I've never heard of or met a Jude. GG: Okay. That's something, I guess. GG: Arg... TT: Something good or bad? GG: I don't know anymore. GG: No, actually, this all seems pretty bad. TT: Fair. TT: Completely fair. TT: There is very little to feel at ease about in this situation. GG: If I'm supposed to accept that what he's saying is actually true... GG: What does it even mean for me? GG: Am I supposed to go back to "my world" and forget any of this ever happened? GG: Is that even possible?? GG: I feel ill. TT: ...I know too little about what happened or why to offer any real comfort. TT: For that, I am sorry. TT: You aren't the only person it's happened to. GG: What? TT: Jake English. TT: Appeared without any real explanation. Shortly following the death of one Jake Claire. GG: ... So people are. GG: Just. GG: Appearing here. TT: Maybe. I never heard mention of a gateway. TT: That is also very troubling. GG: My father... went missing. GG: Do you think it's possible...? TT: I don't know. TT: It's possible. There are a great number of possibilities to consider. TT: You are on Earth, however. I haven't been there in so long. TT: I'm surprised you were able to contact me from there.  We have been cut off from communication channels. TT: No messages in or out. No news about what's happening on the surface. GG: I'm using Crocker technology. My Tiaratop. GG: That's all I can tell you. TT: Hm. TT: Perhaps that serves as some sort of bypass? TT: It sounds a bit risky, but I understand why you'd need answers so badly. TT: I am sorry, Jane. You could not have known what you were getting into. GG: No, I didn't. GG: But... GG: I'm here now. GG: I'm going to keep looking for answers. GG: Let me just... GG: Ask Jude if there's anything he wants to relay. TT: It would be appreciated. GG: He wants to know if you know his father, Jamison. TT: Jamison... TT: Jamison Harley? TT: How old is this boy again? GG: Um... GG: He say's he's thirty-six. TT: Not what I would usually call a boy... TT: But it makes more sense, given Jamison's age. TT: I should tell Jade that her immediate family may be even bigger than she knew. GG: I can only assume that means yes, then. TT: It is as complicated as you've no doubt assumed as well. TT: And there are a few too many questions left completely unanswered... TT: I wish I knew something that could help you on Earth. TT: It is more dangerous than ever. GG: Such is the impression I am suddenly getting. GG: This seems like much too elaborate a prank to be that, I think.(edited) GG: And I have had my fair share of elaborate pranks. GG: This one would definitely be unfunny. TT: Unfortunately. TT: I would keep my head down. I'm sure you know why. GG: Ugh... TT: I think it is in all of our best interests to help you where we can. TT: Maybe we can work something out. We've been known to be incredibly capable, despite only barely passing the bars of competence. GG: Given what I've been told, which, granted, still fits the picture of inanity, if anyone can help, it's probably you. TT: Thank you. TT: I'd like to think this is friendship, of a fashion. TT: Rather than a temporary alliance of convenience. TT: Either way. I should be able to contact you easier now, shouldn't I? GG: I suppose. If we are, in fact, in the same universe now. GG: More information I'm still not sure what to do with. TT: The shoe seems to fit worryingly well. TT: Squirrel it away.  You never know what may rear its head with unexpected significance. GG: Well, maybe you'll get to come back to Earth after all. GG: Though I imagine the homecoming would be even less welcoming than before. GG: I'll see if I can't scrounge up some flour around this place to make the whole thing a little more proper. GG: That is, for a cake. Not to dump a bag of flour on you. GG: Most likely. :B TT: Perhaps. TT: I suppose at this juncture we'd be best served raising by raising hell wherever we go. TT: Anything less communicates a lack of necessary urgency. TT: You may be on the right track with that. TT: If, of course, you think you could actually get me. GG: I would be happy to give it a go whenever we've got a little less on our plates! GG: Um, for now. I think I'm going to have a nap. GG: I really need to gain my bearings here. TT: Good luck, Jane. GG: Thank you. I think we all might be needing it. -- gainfulGumption [GG] ceased bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] --

[gainfulgumption-blog]

-- gainfulGumption [GG] began bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] -- GG: Rose? TT: I didn't recognize the BettyBother text earlier.  I suppose, given what little I know, that is terribly appropriate. TT: It is good to hear from you again, Jane. GG: Oh, good! GG: Sorry for the abrupt greeting. I've had so much darned difficulty getting anyone to answer me, I sort of assumed that would be the case again here. GG: If you do in fact see Dirk, would you give him a good bonk on the head for me? TT: I often commit to doing so regardless.  I'll make it two, this time. GG: A sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with! :B TT: I do apologize if I've missed some of your messages. TT: It seems more likely than not, and as much as I'd like to blame distance, I cannot deny a distinct... TT: Shift in focus, on my part. GG: Well it would be a little silly for me to expect you to pay too much mind to me, anyhow! GG: Not that I don't enjoy these little conversations of ours, but I imagine we both have plenty of heft to our hypothetical plates. GG: In any case, you may have gathered that I haven't had much luck reaching Mr. Strider. GG: I suppose I can only guess he is similarly busy. TT: Maybe.  Or dealing with similar interference on his end. TT: I am convinced that matters are far more complicated than they appear. TT: This is fairly reflexive.  Usually I am right, and I can take great personal joy in my foresight. GG: Hoo hoo hoo! You know, I don't feel terribly compelled to argue with you on that. TT: That does leave me with a question, though.  Does that make this a social call? TT: If neither of us has managed to amass any amount of concrete evidence to suggest a searing truth to utterly rock our perception of our respective environments, does that merely mean that we're to... TT: Speak to one another? TT: Recreationally? GG: Rose, correct me if I'm wrong... GG: But I am getting the distinct impression that you might be... GG: Just a little bit... GG: Silly as heck? :o TT: Ah.  Nevermind.  Now we are back to making incredibly heinous accusations. TT: My lawyer is on retainer precisely for handling accusations like that. TT: So to speak, anyways. GG: Well, I certainly wouldn't want to involve the law in this. GG: Especially if it is a legal battle you are not prepared to lose. :B TT: I've long since learned to value the effect of one's reputation. TT: By means I would no doubt like you to believe makes me quite a tragic, brooding, and mysterious figure. TT: It is as though my own point demonstrates itself. GG: Oh! Whew, in that case, color me relieved. GG: It seems as though we can carry on this conversation without fear of any stray zingers whatsoever. TT: I'll keep an eye open. TT: Just in case.

[gainfulgumption-blog]

-- gainfulGumption [GG] began bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] -- GG: Hello again, Ms. Lalonde! GG: Mrs. Lalonde? TT: The former.  I would not consider myself the marrying type, as the situation stands. TT: You may color me a bit surprised, as well.  I was not expecting to come in contact with the mysterious Jane Doe a second time. TT: And seemingly intentionally, this time around. GG: Indeed! I can assume you did not receive any messages from me since last we spoke, then. TT: Have you been trying to come into contact with me?  Or are you presuming a situation where potential branches in our potential fates fold into one another? TT: The latter is not an impossibility. GG: That's certainly an idea. GG: But no, I did make attempts! The situation just strikes me as somewhat curious. GG: I can only make contact you with one device in particular, it seems. GG: So you can imagine my confusion. GG: Out of curiosity, have you ever been contacted about some sort of business proposition? A merger or advertising campaign or something of the like? TT: Not as such.  I am presently somewhat under the radar. TT: Thus, I am not terribly surprised that contacting me has proven such a hassle. TT: Rather more surprised that you were able to do it at all, but regardless. TT: I cannot say I have.  If that were the case, I would probably dismiss it as some kind of non-sequitur, or spam bot. GG: Well, I suppose that answers one question. GG: While supplying quite a few others in the process. GG: I can't help but feel this warrants a little more investigation. TT: So long as it is only a very little bit. TT: There is nothing wrong with a few secrets between friends, correct? TT: It's likely a technological fluke, at my nearest approximation. GG: I had a feeling you would say something like that. GG: How about this question, then. Do you have any particular thoughts about the Betty Crocker corporation? TT: Are you suggesting that your computer honed in on me for my stance on processed snack cakes? GG: Hoo hoo! Consider it good-natured curiosity. I have plenty of it in my supply. GG: And it would help me considerably, if you don't mind the apparent silliness of the question. TT: Oh, well.  Mrs. Crocker herself always seemed a shifty sort, to me. TT: Terribly eager to serve in that frilly apron.  Someone with a smile like that is certainly trying to sell you something. GG: Something too good to be true, no doubt. :B GG: All jesting aside, is that the extent of it? TT: Oh. I don't think I need much more than that. TT: Besides, as much as I enjoy indulging you, that does leave me wondering. TT: Most people don't really give much of a thought to the Betty Crocker corporation on a conceptual level.  They think about cookies, cupcakes, frosting, cake recipes. TT: It is the sort of thing that slips right under the nose of the general public's notice. TT: So what about you? GG: You could say I've got a personal stake in the business. GG: Frankly, that just about sums it up! TT: So you're an investor of some kind?  That's a bit specific for a lie, if it is one. GG: That is certainly a theory. :B GG: I really wish I could be more specific, but I don't suppose it would be very shrewd on my part to pour out information to a practical stranger. GG: Not that I assume most near-strangers can do much with the information! But you're a particularly curious one. TT: I take that as a compliment. TT: If you'd like business advise, I can say this much. TT: It would be shrewd to divest yourself. TT: Learn to bake on your own.  Much healthier. TT: You just don't know what they put in that batter. GG: Hmm. GG: Alright, Rose. Let us pretend for a moment that I am not in a position to divest myself. GG: What then? TT: Hypothetically speaking, of course? TT: You know that there are deals that go on behind closed doors. TT: I would not ask too many questions.  But I would keep a record.  A comprehensive one. TT: There is always more to learn when it comes to wheelings and dealings on Earth, right? TT: Dangerous information, certainly, but it would be a lot more dangerous to be the only one in the room not picking up on the doublespeak. GG: You really do remind me quite a lot of him. GG: Do you know anyone named Dirk, perchance? TT: Ah, now I am going to have to stop you. TT: It's a human enough name that I'm familiar with it, but giving away my own surname is a different matter. TT: I am, after all, possessed of a streak of vanity. TT: I'm afraid I'll need to see more cards on the table before I can confirm or deny anything like that. GG: It certainly sounds an awful lot like you do, if you'll forgive me! GG: He's a very good friend of mine, is all. With thoughts on the corporation that bear a striking resemblance to yours. GG: I don't share those opinions, but I have discovered some interesting things lately. TT: Ah. TT: On the one hand, I am intrigued. TT: But on the other, I know precisely where he is right now, and I'm not certain he'd be able to come into contact with an earth stranger. TT: And interesting is not the same as validating. TT: I suppose it's not the sort of thing you'd feel safe sharing on a connection like this. GG: Let's just say I have recently acquired a fair bit of... Developmental merchandise. GG: Through which I may or may not have been able to contact you. TT: Ah, and let me guess. TT: You had a thought.  Something along the lines of, "why is this confectionary manufacturer sinking ungodly amount of money into researching bleeding edge technological advances off the books?" GG: Hypothetically, yes. GG: I'm certainly not unfamiliar with the corporation branching into other venues! But I am largely unfamiliar with... Quite a bit of this entirely. TT: Rightfully so.  It makes little enough sense.  I'd have to confirm your story with Dirk, though.  And if you really do know him- which is a bit of a stretch- we could talk more about the implications.  But he's presently indisposed. TT: The technology seems a bit alien in nature, though.  Doesn't it? GG: You could say that, sure. TT: Just a wild guess. GG: About as wild as the rest of this. GG: But maybe we can shelf this discussion for a bit until we speak to our respective Dirks on the matter. GG: I am still a bit curious about you, in general. GG: How old are you, Rose? I'm hoping this is a more acceptable question online than it is in person. TT: I am an adult, if that's what you're wondering. I would assume you're also an adult, if you're dealing in corporate espionage. TT: Mid twenties. GG: Same. GG: I suppose that checks out. TT: As one would say if they were putting together a profile of some kind. TT: I'm a counselor on a starship.  You can slip that somewhere in your notes, too. GG: But you're from Earth? TT: Once upon a time, yes.  I do not expect to receive a glorious homecoming. GG: Despite those implications, you seem very nice. TT: A modern Jean Valjean, if you would believe it.  Truly. GG: Hoo hoo! I always felt a little sorry for old Javert... GG: But Jean is definitely my favorite of the two, so no worries. TT: Well, let us simply hope our fates are not to be decided by a crusty old Frenchman being paid by the word. GG: I hope things work out for you, Rose. GG: I'm sure it would be nice to come home one day. TT: ...Thank you. TT: It is a distant goal, however. TT: And you have your own concerns to worry about. GG: Well, it costs me nothing to send well wishes! GG: But I suppose, for now, I will let you get back to your starship counseling, and I with my rummaging. GG: Here's to hoping we may reconvene at a later date! TT: Hopefully.  It seems a bit of a precarious link. TT: But I do appreciate it none the less. TT: Do take care. GG: You too! Good luck! -- gainfulGumption [GG] ceased bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] --

[gainfulgumption-blog]

-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering tenebrousThorns [TT] -- GG: Testing, testing! GG: Is this going through? GG: Oh, darn it. Are these speakers broken again, or this is just another bout of terrible Internet luck? GG: Or maybe the microphone... GG: I am just going to use a computer like an ordinary human being with thumbs. TT: My apologies to both you and your hardware setup.  I wouldn't wish for you to cast any blame upon it for my truancy. TT: I was not expecting any messages. TT: Call it a pleasant surprise. TT: Unless it's an emergency of some sort.  Is everything alright over there? GG: Oh!!! GG: Hello there! GG: No emergency. Just a bit of experimentation and silliness. :B TT: Ah.  Be certain to record the results for peer review.  Perhaps with a header - "Does technology really work at all?" TT: Sources would suggest not, often enough. GG: Too true. GG: You are not exactly who I intended to message, but I'm not about to look a gift chat window in its text entry mouth. GG: Especially not when we share similar viewpoints about the curses of technology! GG: So I suppose I will stop being a dingus and introduce myself. I'm Jane! TT: At the risk of offending the wretched souls of the individuals who once put together early 90s cyber-security informational videos, my name is Rose Lalonde. TT: I am appropriately charmed, Jane. GG: Hoo hoo! And I am likewise appropriately convinced. GG: With similar disrespect to said souls, I will also say I have no intentions of running about with your name. The semi-secret is safe with me. GG: I think I will be a little more stingy with my surname, if it's all the same to you. TT: How terribly mysterious!  What secret could one be hiding? TT: Draped in heavy cloak and taking refuge in the shadows, taking shelter from the prying gaze of outsiders. TT: A refuge from the weight of one's own fame?  Or infamy, perhaps? TT: I suppose the only real answer is hidden between the digits of your social security number.  Accompanied with one's mother's maiden name. TT: You know.  Just to be sure. GG: Hoo hoo hoo! Nice try. GG: I'm afraid you won't catch me that easily, Rose. If that IS your real name. GG: A Rose by any other name may smell as sweet, or be just as deceptive. Who can say? TT: Certainly not one so unlucky as to ignore its thorns. TT: Though that leaves me with yet another mystery to piece together, of the mysterious miss Jane Doe testing her voice-to-text software. TT: If not me- and I will do my best to take no offense at being contacted only by mistake- then who? TT: As clandestine as your true identity, no doubt. GG: Well, that I can be slightly more forthcoming about. GG: I have a friend with the same handle acronym as yourself, and I suppose in trying to add him to the device's handle roster, it selected you along the way somehow? GG: Sorry if that busts the mystery. GG: Assuming, of course, that story is legitimate enough for your tastes. TT: Nearly.  You are off the hook, if only for now. TT: There are only so many letter combinations out there, in fairness. GG: Well, I won't fault it in this case! GG: You're a great deal more engaging than the average Internet troll. GG: I mean in the less literal sense, of course. TT: To think I was prepared to say the same of you. TT: It makes for a pleasant enough distraction, if nothing else. GG: You seemed somewhat distracted from the start. :B GG: Is that no longer the case? TT: Distracted by and distracted from are two distinct matters.  There are certainly some matters presently occupying my thoughts. TT: And while it's presumably tempting to play armchair psychologist with a stranger, the truth of it is something that defies belief. GG: Color me curious, but I won't pry. GG: I understand your meaning, in any case. And I'm happy to be a distraction! GG: To be honest, my day has been plumb uneventful up to now. TT: That can occasionally be a blessing, you know. TT: I take full credit for your reprieve from the doldrums, all the same. GG: I would say bring it on to the latter, but what do I know? GG: It would just be nice to be able to get out and make something happen every once in a while! TT: I would caution that kind of enthusiasm.  Narratively speaking, you are just begging for some dramatic turn to tear its way into your life to serve as a call to adventure. TT: Then again, it wouldn't be boring.

[gainfulgumption-blog]

[SURPRISE, I’M REPURPOSING THIS BLOG FOR JANE.

Hold onto your buttcheeks while I fix this up!!!!]

[gainfulgumption-blog]

whats the crazisets place any of your characters have ddid the do

oh boy

kanaya: nowhere crazy probably unless rose prompted it…… which she very well may havejade: in a garden and also in a storage room… hah a WHOOPSsollux: uhhhh??? probably on the new ship before everyone else was on it sweats, not sure where else but probably something weird knowing dirk lbrmeulin: probably in the woods or some shitlifera: nowhere too crazy unfortunately because shes too famous for that shit but she has messed up a hotel roomruth: the fourth dimension

[gainfulgumption-blog]

does sollux ever think about what dirk and jake get up to when they're alone? is there anything in particular he wants to try with the both of them?

yes he absolutely fucking does

he doesn’t want to like, ask, but he thinks about it off and on. he tries not to think about it TOO much because on good days he likes it but on bad days another part of him feels weirdly Left Out if he thinks about it too much and he doesnt wanna humor that shit. in the end, he probably SHOULD ask?? he would probably feel better, but he doesnt want to be Weird (he’s gonna be weird anyway come on)

and yes of course he just wants to be annihilated by the both of them, u already know about my Taking Turns thing but also double penetration is a thing (because of fucking course) and he also kinda wants jake to dom both him and dirk at the same time cuz……. itd be great. sollux likes teasing people and doing fun creative things but he is a sub boy at heart so just. yes. also he would kind of love bonding with dirk that way where neither of them have to be the top but they can kinda just????? be bottom boys together. imagine

[gainfulgumption-blog]

I WANNA KNOW MEULIN'S KINKS, but also jades since I've been asking everyone else for two characters.

HOO BOY!!!!!!!!!!

meu is into so many things but one of her biggest might be like……… domming someone else with vague pet play involved. not her being the pet tho, they are the pet. she just loves cute people that she loves being squirmy and incoherent and she will be So Good to them and take lots of care of them. ALSO SHE LOVES TICKLING, ALERT ALERT. and licking aaaaa. and rough housing….. and dirty talk. and affection. and toys. OKAY SHE LIKES A LOT OF THINGS, A WHOLE LOTedit: also orgasm denial/overstimulation, cum inflation, biting/scratching, sheath play, intoxicated sex, toys, roleplay, pegging, lingerie, cumming in and on ppl and otherwise leaving them marks........ and probs still more

jade loves silliness and sitting on people and domming and partially clothed and showers….. mmmmmandalsopetplayfuckwhydoiplaysomanyfurriesohmygod, she wants to put dave in a collar and would also be totally down with being in a collar, just let her have a collar damn it!!!!!!!!!!

[gainfulgumption-blog]

what's the weirdest kink meulin has ever written and/or read about in fics? and in what ways has going blind improved and/or worsened sexual experiences for sollux?

hmmmmmmmm…

meu: omorashi?? oviposition?? vore?? she’s dabbled in many things…. idk what counts as Weird with the kids these days……. but probably nothing gory, i dont think she would be too into that

sollux: he’s very into sensory experiences to drown out his own bullshit thought processes, so he misses having visuals of things for sure for that reason (a lot), but it’s nice to be kind of surprised in a way? and to focus more on what he’s feeling, or what he’s studying about someone else…. but it does make him feel kind of distantly present in a situation and more in his own head, too, so he kind of tunes into smelling things more when he can.

[gainfulgumption-blog]

WAS SOLLUX ALWAYS AWARE HIS PEEN WAS MUTANT. what were his and jade's earliest sexual fantasies. do any of ruth's kinks obey the laws of nature

Sollux was not always aware…. but he learned pretty quickly, tbh, because trolls get hooked up to The System soon enough and this kid craved knowledge like nobody’s goddamn business. His earliest sexual fantasies were honestly probably just related to things he found on the internet until he developed his own opinions on the matter.

JADE however… actually you know what probably same, she kind of had to teach herself almost everything???

also absolutely not (lbr The Weirder And More Inhuman The Better)

[caligulasacquisition-deactivate]

SALACIOUS SATURDAY.

plz remember to tag and put anything too saucy under a readmore ;D

[gainfulgumption-blog]

📱[Karkat]

[Im Not Sure Who Else To Talk To About A Lot Of Things I Am RealizingI Think That It Is Silly For This To Occur To Me Only Now And How Much We Should Have Done ThisNot Even In Any Sort Of Poetic Way But Just A Sad And Stupid OneI Think I Was Probably Just AfraidTo Burden You Or To Realize Things About Myself I Dont Like Very MuchBut That Is Not A Very Good Excuse For Anything EverIt Is Not A Good Excuse To Miss You Like ThisAnd To Force You To Read All This Assuming You Will Check Your Messages Eventually If You Come BackI Guess I Just Wanted To SayThat Me Loving You Is A Thing You Should KnowThat I Hope You KnewBut That I Hope To Tell You More]

[gainfulgumption-blog]

📱(aradia, vriska)

Aradia: [Do You Ever Consider How Moments Are So Fleeting And Arbitrary Yet Create Situations Of Such Unfathomable Significance That You Wonder How You Can Ever Possibly Disentangle Such A ThingSorry This Is Kind Of A Weird Question]

Vriska: [I Want To Think That You Are Doing Something Good Right NowI Mean Good For YourselfActually I Changed My Mind About This Conversation Forget I Said That]