Jade Harley
Jade Harley is a parody sue done right.
She lives on an island in the Pacific ocean with the stuffed corpse of her grandfather and her dog Bec who is a first guardian (basically a god).
Her interests include Science (nuclear science), firearms, furries, and kid’s shows. She also loves gardening, even having her own greenhouse in her super huge science mansion. She spends half of the time sleeping due to narcolepsy.
We don’t meet Jade until later, but she seems to know a lot of stuff she probably shouldn’t. We find out this is because her dreamself has been awake on Prospit most of her life. Prospit dreamers can see visions of the past, present, and future in the clouds. She even knew she would meet John someday!
Speaking of John, she spent her life waiting for him to wake up on Prospit so they could have fun adventures together.
John wake the fuck up.
Because of her, John was able to meet Dave and Rose, and the four of them have been friends for a few years.
She also has access to a bunch of technological wonders, one of which helped her create her birthday present for John, with the help of her penpal. She also has a robot of herself that floats around whenever she’s asleep. It stops her from sleepwalking.
After Jade sets up a bunch of plot-related stuff, including receiving Dave’s brother’s copy of the game via a time paradox, it’s time for her to help Dave enter the game. She fucks up his apartment doing so.
We soon discover the trolls had been harassing Jade her entire life, due to something she did. This something was make John’s present (Liv Tyler) that started a lot of problems. Because of this she has a hard time trusting them. In fact, Vriska was the reason she had narcolepsy!
In fact, due to Liv Tyler, the big bad was able to start the reckoning (apocalypse) early, giving them 24 hours to fix the game. During the big bad’s rampage, Prospit’s moon is destroyed, and John’s dreamself almost falls to its death. Jade rescues him, but at the cost of her own dreamself’s life. This puts her out of commission for a while. In the real world, it blows up her robot, which in turn blows up her entire room.
Unable to dream on Prospit, Jade has multicolor nightmares about eldritch abominations.
[I don’t have a pic of it, but this is her mood after the nightmare]
At this point the trolls are actually trying to help her, but they’ve treated her so poorly her whole life, she justifiably no longer trusts them. Karkat begins to both simultaneously try to help and harass her. She stops talking to him for a while.
[Pictured: Karkat telling himself not to pick on Jade.]
Then John tries to help her enter the game. Thanks to Vriska, her sprite gets prototyped with her god dog, which makes the big bad so powerful he breaks their game. The plus side is that the big bad cannot attack Jade, because her dog loved her too much. He is pissed about this. In retaliation he sent out an incompetent assassin to kill her for him.
Jade wakes up again in the Land of Frost and Frogs [LoFaF]. She has almost nothing to her name, but with Dave’s help is able to make a few useful gadgets. She also finds out that the enemies gained her dog’s warping powers, making even the weakest of imps almost impossible to kill.
She soon learns from Tavros that he had saved her life when she was a child, but in turn killed her grandfather. He also told her that he could try to get her dog to kill the big bad, but Jade wasn’t behind it. It did give her an idea, though!
Her grandfather, via a time paradox, found her dead dreamself and stuffed her in the attic. Jade prototyped her dead self with the sprite so she could ask herself to go fight the big bad.
It ended HORRIBLY. I’ll explain why in Jadesprite’s post.
Because of this, though, she was able to bond with Karkat and they actually started to help one another out. The implemented a password system, so they wouldn’t be screwed up timeline-wise. This proved to be a huge pain in the ass for Karkat, but it helped Jade quite a bit.
[Pictured: Karkat digs selfcest.]
Soon after the frog hunting started. Kanaya told Jade that it was her job to create the new universe, which is apparently a frog. So Jade got on that. Eventually Dave helped her frog hunt. In the process, Dave ended up dying, and Jade had to kiss him back to life, something that made her uncomfortable.
As the 24 hours was almost up, the assassin finally managed to kill Jade by crushing her to death. The big bad, feeling guilty for killing his ‘best friend’ (he was part of her dog, after all), set her on a quest bed and flew off to cause another time paradox.
Jade revived as a god and began to shrink all the planets down as the game was being reset. She picked up John on her grandpa’s ship and carried him and all the planets off to the new world.
They started their three year trek at this point to the new universe. During it, Jade briefly dated Davesprite, but he broke up with her, which she was fine with. John got really mad at him, which made her get mad at John for being an asshole.
[art by doomyz]
That’s it for Jade! There was more on her because she helped move the plot along for the first half of the story.
Her handle is gardenGnostic [GG], her weapon is a rifle, and she is the Witch of Space.
(P.S. her penpal is apparently her grandson.)