The Wandering Soul

She’d dream of para-para-paradise Tweets by @GaretLomodag

[garetlomodag]

2024 March & April: God encounters, but make it overseas

Mabuhay! How have you been? It’s been a while. I didn’t get enough time to finish my writeup for the month of March, so I decided to just merge it with April. A lot of things happened in the last month but mostly great and memorable things!!!

To name a few, I visited Mindanao in Cagayan de Oro and Bukidnon (always proud of my Mindanaoan roots!) for work, then I went to Dubai for my best friend's wedding, got to see a desert, ate great middle-eastern food, did a speaking engagement for work, and now I am here at Vancouver’s terminal M airport for my connecting flight to Toronto for work!

What a jam packed March and April right? I have to say while it seemed like it’s physically tiring, my trip to Dubai was very chill and enjoyable. I was so relaxed my body recalibrated to its old timings (eg monthly cycle, sorry #TMI). I did gain a few pounds LOL but it was accumulated from past weeks’ work events in Visayas and Mindanao to traveling to Dubai; now to Canada.

I also did recovery workouts in betweens, but only to sustain my body. I have a tendency to crash when I’m over fatigued, so I made sure I got my sweat times too LOL

Everything flew by so fast, but I did note some takeaways.

1. Having a community is critical in your different life seasons, but also having friendships over the years is a blessing. I know it already, but I realized how it impacted my life when I did my speech at my best friend's wedding. Not everyone gets a chance to journey with friends for a long time. Although it doesn't mean you cannot find and build great ones even at a short time. I am thankful God picked people in my life to witness some of my major milestones and life stages, and vice versa.

I remembered this verse about who your friends are reflect who you become:

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20 NIV

Now I want to ask, who are your friends? Are you still tightly connected with your family? Who are the voices you listen to when you’re making decisions? Who gives you advice when you’re feeling down? If at this point you realize you actually don’t have one, I hope and pray you find comfort in God and that God also grant you with a good crew <3

2. Breaking off generational cycles and expectations can feel both liberating and guilting. Especially if you are forging paths different from what your family and loved ones once took. This also means thinking differently and choosing decisions that are unconventional. I’ve been single for most of my young adult life and I can say I’ve been living way way unconventional than what was expected of me. But I’d say sometimes I also wonder if I’m being too unconventional. Most days I would pray for guidance so I could be firm with my decisions even if it meant it would offend some people I love and care for.

3. God is involved, even in the tiniest details of our lives. This is no news if you’ve been seeing my IG stories. I had a suspense-filled visa processing for my Canada trip. Just to share what happened, my passport was only handed over to our company travel agency when I got back from my Dubai trip. This meant I only had 2 weeks of business days to have it approved, stamped, and released. I cannot stress enough how anxious I was with the whole thing. I was even mixing dreams and reality already. All this + I couldn’t tell anyone else at work what was happening because it was not sure yet. But wow at God for unveiling each step with miracles I cannot enumerate anymore. From travel agents booking ahead, to opening up flight slots at a fully booked flight the night before my target schedule, and to getting my visa on the day of the flight.

Headwinds still come, especially when you think everything is already settled. At this time I am already writing from the airport lounge (Thank You God for business lounge privileges <3) going back to the PH. Yes, my Canada trip is done! But can you believe the worst headwinds were there? Hate to say that it was an extremely bad feeling. I was only sustained by God’s grace the whole time. It was so difficult powering through the learning sessions while facing people-headwinds. I did not like every bit of it. You probably saw some of my stories about it, and I cannot highlight enough how hard it was. But I super like the Bison Storm analogy.

“When storms approach, they never run away from them. They run directly to and through them head-on. Their time within the storm is, therefore, significantly reduced.” read in full here: https://georgeshamblin.com/a-lesson-from-bison-running-to-and-through-the-storm/

It was an easier choice to back down, fold, and just yield to avoid conflict with people-headwinds. But my heart and mind, despite all the turmoil, had the urge to stand ground. I kept waking up at 2-3am for 2-3 days while thinking of it, but used that time to reconnect with God and regain footing. Imagine being away from my support system: my family, my dogs, close friends. Can only thank God for the sustenance.

Two months just flew by so fast. I am in awe of God’s blessings and victories. I am thankful for the best sets of support group, I am thankful for the favor. I can only hope I do better each day and live a life that is pleasing and honoring to God.

‘Til next time, folks. Let’s go, May! Balance of the year looks like it’s going to be filled with risks-taking decisions. Eeeeeeeeeeeyyyy let’s gooo

[garetlomodag]

LEAVING ILOILO

Something clicked during my trip back from Iloilo.

It was a late night flight and I was obviously exhausted already. The adrenaline from the event rush and people engagement was starting to wear off and I really just wanted to go home and sleep.

I wanted to sleep on the plane but I guess since everything was all said and done, it was a vulnerable moment for me.

My seat mates were also very active— watching tv, sharing stories, and drinking coffee — so it was a perfect mundane to “just be”.

Once the plane took off, all thoughts just came rushing. I had this random moment praying to God about something that’s been a thorn in my heart in the last years; a looming thorn that was just there in the side pockets of my heart. A thorn I didn’t want to face/address, but also didn’t want to fully give up on.

I’ve held on to it for a while but the whole theatrics of “leaving Iloilo” and the “plane taking off” served as a metaphor of me finally letting this thorn go.

It was a quiet resolve and deep plea to God to finally free me from it. I told God I didn’t want to be entangled by it anymore and that I need help in stripping it away from me.

With my intention also came a realization that I couldn’t do it on my own and I had this short prayer to God saying: my hand is holding this thorn tight. Help me to open my hands and trust that Your grace is sufficient for me.

Tears in my side eyes hiding beneath my face mask and cap. While seated on seat # 48H, I finally had the courage to fully let this thorn go.

I love Iloilo. I love flying around. And it was a perfect illustration of leaving something you have grown to love..for good.

Thank you, Iloilo. Farewell.

[garetlomodag]

2024 February: A Psalm to hold on to

Howdy friends? I’ve prolonged this post for a while now. I was crazy busy but also could not push myself to recollect my thoughts and process things with God.

My body is tired but so is my mind. I’ve caught myself several times that I was letting myself be numb with the busyness and physical draining so as not to confront my own thoughts.

But I remembered one of the verses I posted a few years back. 2 Cor 10:5 and Phil 4:8 sort of tells us about “capturing our thoughts” so we don’t get enslaved by it.

I don’t have much to say here, but today I stumbled upon these verses which I strongly can identify with, and confide with. I will let you understand me as you read through it and maybe think of how you’ve known me, and what you’ve seen of me the past months.

February is done and all I have for you are three things: (1) a big thank you journeying with me still, (2) a prayer that you are navigating this year with God too and that you are living a life well-lived, (3) you are in my thoughts and I care for you.

May these verses from David inspire and encourage you the same way it did to me tonight:

”Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, And wither as the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm. For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the Lord, They shall inherit the earth. For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more; Indeed, you will look carefully for his place, But it shall be no more. But the meek shall inherit the earth, And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. The wicked plots against the just, And gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laughs at him, For He sees that his day is coming. The wicked have drawn the sword And have bent their bow, To cast down the poor and needy, To slay those who are of upright conduct. Their sword shall enter their own heart, And their bows shall be broken. A little that a righteous man has Is better than the riches of many wicked. For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, But the Lord upholds the righteous. The Lord knows the days of the upright, And their inheritance shall be forever. They shall not be ashamed in the evil time, And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. But the wicked shall perish; And the enemies of the Lord, Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish. Into smoke they shall vanish away. The wicked borrows and does not repay, But the righteous shows mercy and gives. For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, But those cursed by Him shall be cut off. The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37‬:‭1‬-‭24‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/114/psa.37.1-24.NKJV

[garetlomodag]

2024 January: Stalling and Rising

I’ve stalled writing again here for a while now. I didn’t have a flow in mind, no outline, no captions coming out. I didn’t even do my usual ‘year-ender’ and convinced myself I’d just do it when I finish January.

But man January took a while right??? January stalled like crazy.

1st week in and I was already like dead battery. I basically was tired the whole month. I think it’s somewhat related to the “adjustment” from vacation — as if nag bakasyon ako nang mahaba di ba?! — but it really just felt like I wasn’t all ready to face what’s ahead of me.

If you’ve been following me since last yr, you would know Q4 2023 took its sweet toll on me. I had to set up boundaries for my own sanity and force-isolate to recollect myself.

I turned to a lot of close people to process but I’ve stalled deep thinking, meditating, and praying about it. There were bits and pieces of aha moments, but it was not as fast as I would normally process things.

There are still some steps and thoughts I’m pondering on and debating if still necessary to go through, but I like what I realized about this whole season: There is no better way out than to go through it. THROUGH IT.

It was only then that I got to be more honest with what went through and how much it hurt me. I had to be honest with myself first so I could also be honest with the people I confided in; especially God.

For a while there, I thought I lost myself and got consumed by it all. I had a few days of sleepless nights and could not ride with the festivities. Maybe that’s also why I was and am so tired even until now.

A few reminders I’m trying to hold on to are actually not new to me, but this time it was too real for me:

1. Ecclesiastes 3:11 — a time for everything. But also a plan and will for everything. Everything under the heavens. This too shall pass.

2. Psalm 84:11-12 — if you remember, I started 2023 with these verses :) NO good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. And this covers even those I thought I deserved and longed for. If it was withheld, then maybe NOT YET, or probably a big NO. But this lifts up so much burden from my shoulders; knowing that it is God who blesses me. Not anyone else, but God.

3. Psalm 91:2 — my refuge and fortress. I’ve replayed several times in my head how to confront, how to retaliate, how to punish and put to shame those that wronged me or did me dirty. But always always, my thoughts boil down to: by Grace I am saved, Grace I will extend. I had a hard time shutting my mind and mouth, when everyone else kept saying FIGHT! But in the deepest parts of my heart, I only long for reconciliation, forgiveness, and restoration. It was calming to know God is my fortress, the One who fights for me— in public and in secret — while He also blesses me.

It was not a noteworthy start this year. But I remain hopeful and just wanting to keep in step with God. This year my hope is to focus only on eternal things and prioritize seeking God, in His goodness and faithfulness.

I can’t believe it’s been a month already. Hoooooh. May this year be a year of breakthroughs and blessings for all of us.

Know that I try my best to think of you and pray for you. Please remember me in your prayers too.

God bless you. Let’s face February with hopeful hearts. 🤍

[garetlomodag]

2023 November: Betrayals and Jesus

Let me start off by saying that with the peaks and progress of the previous months, I didn’t imagine this month to be the longest I would cry and get furious, get heartbroken all over again (circa 2014), and find myself undone at Jesus’ feet.

At the second to the last month of the year nonetheless, no mercy!!

I decided there’s no holding back in this piece. This is my blog anyway. I had to do the edits here cos when I started my draft, I was bat crazy mad.

Whatever good and trash I dump here, I don’t have any regrets. I stay true to what I wanted to do at the start of the year, to document all this and hopefully look back and see how God mysteriously moved the whole year. This post is gonna be long. So if you’re not ready for it, it is fine just pass through.

But if you’re still here then you must have been intrigued by the title and want to know what the fuss is. There’s no kwento here (if 🍵 is what you want) , it’s just me processing all this, in hopes that I see the light and reach the end of this tunnel — whenever that may be.

I have several things I want to talk about. You may or may not agree with everything, but I hope you pick a thing or two for your own good.

In most of my learnings and realizations this year (if you’ve been reading everything I was posting since January), it’s about choosing your people, being ‘choiceful’ of the people you trust, that it is better to build relationships with people you share the same values with, that your closest group make a big influence in who you are. I still stand by what I said.

But today I write something somewhat connected to all those.

It is this: betrayal stings the most when committed by people you deeply trusted your heart with. Betrayal stings the most when committed at a time when it mattered the most.

If you’re here, you probably already know that when I build relationships I truly treasure, I trust all in. I don’t hold back loving my people cos that’s how I’m wired. When I love, I love deeply and genuinely. With no ulterior motives, no schemes, no maneuvers to selfishness — in whatever context that maybe. Heck, only threatened people will take my kindness negatively. I always see to it (and remind myself) that it is from the abundance of what I get from God that I can treasure these people.

So you can already probably imagine how it feels and weighs for me now? The deeper the care, the deeper the cut. Imagine the horror of knowing that you’ve been (character)-assassinated by people you care for in a room you were not in.

Going through this, I remembered some brutal and savage people/characters I’ve encountered in my life that I am pondering on now:

An ex big boss once shared: “With me, I trust people first, then see what happens. If it gets broken (cos they do something stupid), then this time it’s gonna be hard earned.”

Jessica Pearson from Suits: “Loyalty is a two-way street. You’re getting it from me if I’m asking for it from you.”

What I read somewhere is true: time reveals all things. People, intentions, level of relationships.

Needless to say, I am still in the disgusted but heartbroken stage. I don’t know for how long, but I have not felt this same way in a long long time. I am disgusted at myself for ripping my heart and mind open to people who eventually took a swipe at me, bit me, and threw me under the bus with things I entrusted them in confidence.

I am calmer now (I guess). For context, my writing intervals take about 1 wk so the flow of this blog is fluctuating like crazy.

I had to be mad to have a resolve that I won’t go through this ever again. That I will be careful with my vulnerability and sincerity. But also kept telling myself that I don’t want to lose myself just because I was treated inappropriately. As difficult as it may seem, in the deepest part of my heart, I still ask God to not let me lose hope and faith in people. I’ve been asking Him so many things lately.

My outcry to God the past weeks has revolved around these thoughts:

- please protect me from those being strategic with me while I was just trying to be genuine with them

- Give me vindication as I try to hold myself together, when all I can see is the betrayal and my broken trust.

- For Him to remind me that He is still God and He will not withhold anything that is good for me. So when He withholds, there might be something about it.

- To remind me that crying is not a weakness, that my emotions are not to be taken lightly, invalidated, and used against me.

I can only say I am blessed because despite all this, I had accountable people who gave me different but sound POVs. If not for them, I would have wallowed in my slump.

I guess I just learned (again) the hard way. And maybe this is me realizing that I cannot keep everyone in my closest circle, that I need to learn to cut off people who don’t deserve an access to me.

What a friend of mine said stuck with me (non-verbatim): sometimes people — though they are not generally toxic — are only toxic to you. You snip them off. You don’t lose them. They lose you.

So it was really a surprise that T. Swift (yet again) articulated what I’m going through with a song she just released on all streaming platforms: You’re Losing Me.

Will I get over this? I hope so. It should pass, right?

Will they realize what they’ve done? Probably not, but that’s beyond me. The act is already a closure in itself.

Will I forgive? They may have lost a true comrade in me, but yes for sure I will (in hopes I can, and God allows me) forgive.. in time.

What a November right? I know I always tell you guys that I am praying for you, but this time I ask you to pray for me, as the Spirit leads you, genuinely.

Thank you for sticking this far. You mean a lot to me. 🌻❤️‍🩹

[garetlomodag]

2023 October: Tail-end Progress

The past 3 months got me like: what a progress! I didn’t imagine it to be like this, but it feels like my 2023 is just peaking. With less than 3months left nonetheless!

PRAYING AGAIN IN FERVENCY

Remember in my previous blogs where I said I would be more intentional with my prayer times for other people? It is hard, but I am thankful I am able to remember people during prayers and just let the Holy Spirit lead me to whatever God wants me to pray for.

So if you are here, you’re probably in my list and I had the time to really pray for you with whatever I feel like God is leading me to. But if you have specific requests you want to be prayed for, feel free to ping me!

I cannot be with you all f2f always but at the minimum I remember you in my prayers. Know that I do. :)

NURTURING MY CIRCLE

This month felt like I had more courage to give more head&heartspace for things that really matter to me; which meant being mindful of ‘nice to have’ things but something I can let go of. Even with my good relationships, I would say I “watered” them more because I re-diverted focus from those I needed to streamline to those that mattered.

A close friend told me to assess my current circle and re-evaluate who are those I still see myself journeying with as I navigate building my life and who are those I needed to prune; because we really can’t have them all hehehe as a person who is notorious for knowing so many people (in short, without reins, I will care for everyone haha), I needed to stretch that muscle in really checking my circle of influence cos even values and way of life get affected by those you give access to. You can get a lot of guidance on friendships/relationships from Proverbs:

“A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs‬ ‭17‬:‭17‬

“Ointment and perfume delight the heart, And the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel.” Proverbs‬ ‭27‬:‭9‬‬‬

“As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs‬ ‭27‬:‭17‬‬‬

“The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs‬ ‭12‬:‭26‬‬‬

“He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.” Proverbs‬ ‭13‬:‭20‬

SUNFLOWER ENERGY 🌻

Sometime in my college life I attended a Bible study about understanding peacekeepers and peacemakers. There’s a huge difference but I won’t talk about it now. It was also that I time that I also heard someone say (it was a group prayer): ‘that people might know we are followers of Jesus when they meet us’, because there’s certain light and joyful aura/vibe/peace you give off.

Since then I would have these moments with God where I would ask Him: God will you pls make me a person of peace to people I meet, I work with, I interact with every single day? This world’s a mess and I want to be a person of comfort and peace to people even with just a short interaction. I want to be a peacemaker. I don’t want to just protect my own peace, I want people to come as they are when they are with me. I want them to feel that warmth when you face the sun while your hands are stretched out, just like the sunflowers. With all the pressures and burdens that people are experiencing now, it is my prayer to not add to your struggles but be a blessing to you.

EXPLORING NEW TERRITORIES

I am doing new things! And I like it! I did my spring cleaning a few days ago and it was really refreshing. I’m trying to practice ‘one in, one out’ with my personal stuff and it’s been very therapeutic.

Aside from cleaning and throwing away stuff, I’ve also been doing things differently (on big and small things). I would run a different path every now and then, run with different approaches (long and short intervals). And I’ve made good progress! Not at the pace that I originally wanted since I started running again last yr, but still all good! I’m glad I’m able to listen to my body better. Compared to last yr when my objective was to correct my sleeping patterns and help clear my mind, everything’s all corrected now! Running to me now has become a hygiene and a good pause to listen more to God during runs. Thank You God for letting me go through this big flip. 🥹

I am also expanding and exploring! From freediving, I will now be doing scuba diving 🤿 soon! I am not dead-set with timings but it is definitely an expansion of skill haha

It’s also these past months that I’ve been doing a lot of screening and canvassing. From houses to new business ventures, career options, and even church ministries. Feels like a lot no? Don’t get me wrong, I take my time haha 😂 hindi pa po yan lahat mangyayari this yr. Latag pa lang and seeking God what to do next. But as I always say: exciting times!! Looking forward to how God will make things pan out for me and my fam.

So many things this October and I am pumped! May we all have victories in the different areas of our lives, while keeping in-step with God’s directions for us.

November and December, let’s goooooo 🤩🙌🏼

Have a wonderful holiday, folks. Last two months, world’s a mess, life’s filled with choices, and I hope you choose Jesus. 🫶🏼

[garetlomodag]

2023 September: A prayer for discernment and wisdom

I had a strong start this September cos I was still in Australia the first few days 🤣 Then it dawned on me that I missed the Philippines so much — people, my dogs, the food, the traffic (akalain mo yun?!).

My body did not adjust quickly when I got back that I gained a few pounds in my first 2 weeks back lol I didn’t even gain in Australia (I was tracking it), I got it here. I remember sharing it with a colleague that I was always hungry🤤 since I got back. I’ve been snacking on so many things and just indulging. Eventually I realized it was because I did not pace myself getting back on track. I went straight to it. Haha I did not even have a day or two of settling down. The moment I got back I was already working on my laptop and prepping for a meeting the ff day. I didn’t even unpack until a week later.

But it was all me. Don’t worry I held back a bit after a week hehe na-excite lang ako umuwi 🤣

It took a few days for me to realize when to halt. Just like running, you have to make a clear assessment if you’re pushing through or not. If your body is just sore or already in pain. I have a tendency to be consumed by something I put my heart and head into, so hitting the brake is a struggle.

I need guidance on small and big decisions which is why some of my key prayers this month are discernment and wisdom. And both are not innate! These two we have to ask God to give us.

All these years my life’s a colorful mix of good, bad, worst, and best decisions. And it was only maybe when I was a bit older and experienced that I made better and sound decisions. There’s truth in this saying “experience is the best (?) teacher”.

If you met me when I was in my early teens and adolescence period, you would probably laugh at my ‘kabulastugan’ and ‘kalokohan’ moments. I am where I am now because God kept on restoring me and extending grace to me. I am a believer and follower of Jesus because God always met me in my silence. Nothing will ever compare.

I can only hope God will continue to give me the discernment and wisdom that I need to keep on keeping on. I am probably in this state of thinking because my birth month’s coming up and all I want is to know I am keeping in step with where God wants me to go, what He wants me to do, how He wants my life to impact others. That I am striking a balance and making good calls with my green, amber, and red stoplights.

This October I am more intentional. If you are here, you know that I am praying for you right? I have been praying generic prayers the past months, and now I want it more detailed. Know that when I pray for you, I remember you and the things I ‘think’ I should pray for you and maybe the things God reveals to me to pray for.

I want October to be a prayerful month for me. Basically what I want for my years to come.

Thank you for journeying with me all these years, the past months. I hope to remember you always in prayer and know that you can reach out to me if you need a vent, a rebuke, and a hug. Come, let’s make October amazing.

Life on life. 🤍

-G

[garetlomodag]

August 2023: “August slipped away into a moment in time..”

Hi, friends. I know I am two days late, but know that I had been thinking of how to write everything in one go! I was just living in each moment and as T. Swift’s song goes: August slipped away into a moment in time, August sipped away like a bottle of wine!

This month went by so fast. I felt the most disconnected (outside of work), but also felt the most uncertain, AND AND AND felt like the most ‘I lived in the moment’ this year!

So many things happened and it’s all etched in my heart. 🤍 I don’t know how to best share in detail, but my 🇦🇺 trip was the highlight of Aug (maybe this year too?? Too early to say hehe). I seriously can’t even remember where I left off before the trip LOL I will recollect myself when I land tomorrow night.

I had so many firsts this trip and here are the only things I remember now:

1. Trimmed the people I am following. I did a deleting spree during the trip and it felt so good. To date I unfollowed more than 300 accounts already, and I am not yet done! Sweeepppp! Even my screentime’s down since I left. I didn’t even need to intentionally lessen it. Wow. 👌🏼

2. My best 40-min walk and 1:1 with God this yr. Royal Botanic Garden will now have a special place in my heart. My favorite key takeaway (cos I have several) is this: deeper grasp of Jesus, so I can let go of what’s in my grasp. Haaaaa so freeing. I love You Lord. Thank You for not letting go of me and for being personal and intentional in my life.

3. First solo trip for a week before everyone else arrived. I’ve done 1-2 days headstart in my travels before so this one’s the longest solo flight for me. I had a lot of praning moments and weird encounters with homeless people (I’ll probably post my thoughts on this one some other time), but I had a major realization: I enjoyed some parts where I owned my alone time (Stillness Is The Key daw eh!), but company is really critical for me. HAHAHA at some point I told a friend I might go insane if my other colleagues don’t arrive yet hahaha don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind eating alone, I CAN do it. I just PREFER having more interactions with actual people. Hehe tours got me going hehehe

4. First wedding overseas - this should be part of Sept highlights, but deserves to be part of my August review! It was so good from pre-wedding activities to the wedding itself. Very well-planned, everything was very well-thought of 🥹. All the details were just amazing. Special shoutout to my DMT BBs! Thank you for letting me witness it and for letting me participate in the program! I love you!

5. All the other firsts!!!! I posted some already but there’s a whole lot more. Acccckkk. Thank You God for the whole new experience hehe

6. August songs! I would always have a song I will keep replaying until I get tired of it, but this August I had two! It’s still with me now this Sept, but let’s see. I love Sarah G’s Your Universe version and also, I only did a serious listening of T. Swift’s Daylight this August. I love both so much. 🥹🤍 so good. Well mostly because of the lyrics hehe but the tunes and melody sobrang bagay sa lyrics huhu ganda. Plus I feel like this month’s theme is all about sunlight, sunflowers, and wonders. And I agree with Taylor, it feels like a golden hour for me!!! 🥰🌻☀️✨

I can go on and on, but this is it for now. I am so excited it is a BER month na when I get back! I love Christmas In Our Hearts! Yeheeeeey I hope they play it on the plane 😅

See you all in the 🇵🇭 I love you and am with you in prayers. 🥰

-G

[garetlomodag]

July 2023: Forced rest, clean slate

This is the first month in the last 7 that I was not 100% mindful of my blog entry. Normally I would have something in my mind already and would jot down thoughts here and there; then work up the whole thing before the month ends.

No doubt I was almost at wits’ end. Lol. I am not gonna hide anything, I was really swamped. I was told several times by a mix of close people and colleagues — almost as if mocking me — that I was stone cold. That I looked stoic. I take that as a compliment haha. Someone dear to me even told me that she got concerned a bit cos she felt like I wasn’t feeling anything anymore at all; she even reminded me that life is not supposed to be lived that way.

Now that I am thinking about it, I’d say it’s a mix of a lot of things. Yeah probably I was indifferent in some episodes, that’s because I was probably tired and tired of people spreading negativity, BUT BUT BUT never was I emotionless. If you have access here, you ought to know I take time processing things. No matter how RBF I am.

But I gotta say, God works really differently hehe for the first time in the last 7mos, I felt my body crashing on me. Not like the one that I shared months before where I just fell asleep and woke up the other day. This time my body demanded it. It stuck with me for a while. For two weeks, I was not too well, but also not recovered enough to go out taking on stuff again. It was like my body decided it will just cruise in the same state for 2wks.

So I just listened and waited to see what God had in mind for letting me go through this. I have to say it was kind of weird, but really refreshing. I started doing again some of the things that make me feel alive. From connections and going back to my community to singing again at church.

It was lovely.

God even added a bonus! I met my soon-to-be new puppy that came at a random unexpected time, and felt like it was a blessing handed over to me! For context, the past weeks I’ve been wondering if I should get a new puppy. I would keep telling a colleague that I think I need a new dog, or that I think I need a new dog for my current dog. I would have random prayer moments while driving asking God if I am capable of getting a new one. And that if yes, where will I get the puppy? Hoooooh! What a joy to get a message from that same colleague that there’s actually one available for me — no fees, super healthy — that looks a lot like my dooooooogggggg. Oh Lord, how detailed can You be? And how perfect the timing! Sometimes God just knows how to make us kilig in His own ways no?

Today I just finalized the date for my puppy pick up! I guess August gonna be so much fun!!!!

Thank You Jesus for being involved in my life!

That’s all for this month! Hope you’re all thriving and experiencing God’s blessings too!

Love you all! With you in prayers.

-G.

[garetlomodag]

June 2023: Half year done, but full-on learning

Half one done! Wow, this year’s flowing by so fast. I don’t want to miss out on the new things God has placed in my life; all the details and learnings, I want them to be clear!

It’s this month that I had moments with God just asking for clear directions, to have mercy on me for struggles I had and (some) still have, to help me be straightforward and take courage. After all, my life verse is this:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

And you know what they say, if you ask God to make you strong, then He’ll probably give you challenges to go through and overcome.

My overarching theme for this month is this: Being clear with what I am praying for, not settling for anything that is not right, and taking courage. This covers all facets.

So really, I’ve made some drastic changes with the way I deal with things, situations, and people lately. I felt different, but in a positive way. I refuse to be influenced by things outside my paradigm. I felt like I streamlined more — my energy, my relationships, my efforts, etc and I feel more steady. Wow. That’s a whole different level of calm. I am grateful.

I’ve had catch ups with wise and loving people, and I am always thankful for the wisdom and truth bombs God gives through His people. I have a lot of questions still, but coming from a heart with positive curiosity and expectancy. Not despondent.

So maybe the next months will be one good ride as God reveals Himself more and answers more of my wonders.

I hope you — the fact that you are here means you are in my prayers — also experience a certain level of calm and hope that only God gives. I hope the next 6 months for you and me will be filled with God’s goodness as He stirs us to the right directions, better perspectives, and sound decisions.

Have a life well-lived, my friends. With you in prayers.

P.S.

listening to modern songs rendered to classical versions was a good shift/discovery for me this June 👌🏼 do yourself a favor and listen to Bridgerton classical soundtracks hehe

-G

[garetlomodag]

May 2023: Unearthing an old matter

This month was like a bounce from slump in April. Made time to process and recollect some thoughts, took a pause from what seemed like a month-long of firefighting. And while writing this, on staggered approach, this post feels like it’s gonna be long. Haha

Met up with some good friends, watched some good series, spent time with family, listened to a lot of instrumental tracks (for a change!), went out less, focused more, smiled more :)

What’s new are surprise days that make me realize there far better things happening other than the usual things! I’m elated! Kilig!

I have to say, Queen Charlotte was a highlight this month. Albeit a bit late, I’m glad I decided to watch. It was both refreshing and rekindling. It was sort of a wake up call. I realized I was so busy with the usual day to day the past years that I almost forgot one of my deepest prayers for a longtime now: the desire to support and stand side by side with someone I will willingly go to battle with. To fervently pray and become a safe and brave space; a person of peace. To have a “place” known only to us. And to love calmly; one that is rooted in deep passion, commitment, honesty, and trust that it is so steady it brings that certain calmness. Not all frills.

Wooooow, I almost forgot how to articulate that certain desire. But watching the series had me grinning in most of the scenes because it was all that I said but in film format.

The OSTs were also a ++. I mean, Halo and If I Ain’t Got You are amazing tracks. I didn’t know those two could still sound and be arranged better.

I’m awakened and more intentional now. I remember to pray for it again and be more conscious of what I want to be for that ‘someone’. Wooooow I can’t believe I am talking about it ‘openly’ now. Well, you’re only among the 8% of my filtered friends lol

But I am so elated and I feel content more than ever now.

This, among all the busy stuff that’s happening. I must say God’s been very serious about handling my life now hahaha or maybe I am just more sensitive to it and more aware.

I feel like God has been stretching my character this month and I have reached a certain ‘calmness’ in spite of all the hullabaloos. From last minutes errors to (unintentionally) hearing outright gossips firsthand, and being surrounded by toxicity. I am just thankful for God’s protection, for putting wise-genuine-loving people in my life, for sustaining me and blessing the work of my hands.

I ticked several successes this month and it’s all because of God’s mercy and grace; and all the people He has allowed me to succeed with. Aaaaaaaaaah. Thank You God for Your favor, always.

Although this post is 1 day late—obviously I’m still finishing it now — I can only say I am excited for what is to come. I hope I can be a blessing in places where He leads me and may His presence go before me.

5 months down, 7 to go! Exciting times! :)

Hope your first 5 months were amazing too!

With you in prayers. - G :)

[garetlomodag]

April 2023: Started rough, ended strong

4th month. Where do I begin?! This year just keeps progressing! INTENSE — my chosen word to describe this month.

in·tense /inˈtens/

1. of extreme force, degree, or strength.

2. having or showing strong feelings or opinions; extremely earnest or serious.

Source

It was intense on so many levels and facets.

Physical

I’ve done some tiring things in the past. From frisbee trainings, 2-day hikes, back to back indoor spinning, to travelling international then local all in 2 weeks, but this month was on another level. I was tired and felt like I’ve been surfing on heavy tides and waves, just trying to survive each day. It felt like I was gonna crash anytime.

It wasn’t purely physical. Cos like what I said, I’ve done more strenuous activities in the past than this month. But this round it was a mix of not just physical but of so many things. I cannot thank God enough for sustaining me, for giving all that I needed to keep on. I didn’t even get sick and I am just thankful for the protection.

Mental & Emotional

I put these two together cos its impact to me is collective. I’d like to think that this month was a stretch to my mental and social (emotional) faculties. As a person with a Melancholic-Choleric temperament (not sure if I still have the same results, but I encourage you to take it hehe The 4 Temperaments), I think deeply of people, relationships, situations. So, tensions with people make me go crazy (in private).

The past month tested my ways of dealing with people; balancing being objective and empathic. I had to put up with some dear people this month. I needed time alone and time with God to process it and let go of unnecessary thoughts and emotions, just so I don’t end up on a rampage and snap at people.

I cannot thank God enough for letting me survive this month. I’d have messed up whims like drinking and other things, but nothing really would pacify the turmoils only God can reach and deal with. There were times I would find myself in prayer, with nothing else but just tears and very few words. All just vulnerable and genuine.

God must have anticipated my choices this month, so He timed a major church activity at the tail-end of April. I’m so glad I decided to join. It was like re-living a very special season in my life when I was still younger and all I did was just seek Jesus. I hope I can express and share how comforting it was.

Even the songs we played and sang all point to that season. It was so moving I couldn’t hit the right tempos and messed up the whole worship time 😂

Am I still tired? Heck, yes haha but a different one. A fulfilled and rested kind of tired. The one that makes you smile after waking up. Are the relationships now different? Or resolved? Nope (or not yet?). Well you know what they say, sometimes God doesn’t change the situation cos He chooses to change us instead. He operates on our hearts so that we are more ready to face the harder truths about life, people, faith.

I am not sure how life is going with you, my dear friends, but I hope you also experience the peace and comfort only Jesus gives.

I love you and I’m with you in prayers. 8 months left this 2023!

- G

[garetlomodag]

March 2023: Short words, deep context

If February was ‘fast’, then March was cray. I don’t think I have the best words to share all its escapades, so I decided I will write differently this month. Poem. It’s been a while.

Twas filled with billows

It felt like wilting a rose

And forward I chose

There were some small wins

But also did some weird whims

That haunted my dreams

Oftentimes I brake

Unsure if it’s a mistake

Then, messes I make

Eleanor and Park

But it was just all weird sparks

And it left some marks

I’ve just decided

I’ll follow what Moses did

Prayer, my last deed

Hands toward the sky

In silence, I care and try

No more, I won’t pry

It was all a phase

Some hard truths I had to face

It all left me fazed

Here’s the second one

No more rushing for the one

I just want it gone

Not forced by pressure

Friends, though I like your gesture

No, unless I’m sure

I know it will come

If not, then His will be done

I still trust The One

Third’s about balance

Of work and life list of plans

It can’t all be chance

My vow’s discipline

Heart, soul, body to be clean

Oh Lord, help me win

Reminder, that’s fourth

Clarity should be hard fought

It can’t be all thoughts

I’ve no time for grays

I articulate and raise

Yup, these are my ways

But it takes a while

To process my thoughts in pile

I go extra mile

Fifth’s recollecting

That I am truly something

And not just ‘nothing’

To be sure and firm

Not wanting to be affirmed

They can’t disaffirm

Sixth is be grateful

This life should be purposeful

To be lived in full

I have no regrets

Hope is there in all our breaths

Make no room for frets

Last is about hope

Though life is like a tightrope

We can surely cope

Jesus, my constant

My forever confidant

He can when I can’t

Nine more, I ponder

Don’t want to lose my “wonder”

I’m prone to wander

[garetlomodag]

February 2023: Too fast, too curious

What a month!

I’m surprised I still found time to craft this. Well, I’m doing something new. Instead of just doing it in one go, I decided I will do it in tranches. I will just keep on building on it until I finish the whole thing.

So, waddup February?! If you read my Jan post, you would know how I dread this month. 😂 but going into the whole month, wow did it escalate on a different level lol haha

It’s a month where I got reminded of the things that truly matter to me, and things that are all just fleeting and meaningless.

Don’t get me wrong, I know what matters already. I just wanted to wander and push limits again 🤣, as a stubborn, (feeling) willful person.

I had a lot of mishaps this month actually. From getting wasted (with only a little over a week in!) ➡️ series of catcalls while running (which reminds me, I need to report them) ➡️ crazy, messed up schedules (talk about overlapping appointments for work and personal) ➡️ unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions (good thing it happened discreetly) ➡️ almost ran out of gas #NeverAgain 🥲 ➡️ almost cut people off (bec yikes 🤢🤮)

Didn’t think they’d all lump together this month HAH! But hey, I still had some great stuff this month too! Got to catch up with long time friends ➡️ took a break from unnecessary activities ➡️ fambam time ➡️ took a break from (select) people hehe that did not last long lol ➡️ went on a quick vacay

But in a nutshell I got reminded of/learned these things:

1. Life is fleeting. It’s not about going YOLO, but it’s about living for what truly matters. Cry for the right things. Give more headspace for eternal things. Throw away 🤮🤢

2. People will disappoint — so don’t put them on a pedestal. gaaahhh I always need to be reminded of this. I’m always all-in, so if I trust you, I trust you. But sometimes I forget that we are just humans. And people can change, people can choose to live/think differently. And it’s okay. You can still choose to love them the same.

3. I like clear intentions (in all things, at all times). I only realized now that it matters to me so much. Thanks to running for my aha moment. Now it makes more sense why I always use this line: “simple lang naman ako. Just be upfront with me so I can make informed and sound decisions.” So now that I am more aware, I hope I will choose to veer from anything unclear. Cos honestly, anything puzzling sucks the life out of me.

4. I am not (yet?) ready. This is #TMI, but I got asked several times this month (by some interested, and some random people): “are you ready to get married this year?” My reaction? I got scared..like my heart was about to burst. I didn’t know how to respond and honestly I still don’t know. Hindi ba pwedeng hinay hinay lang? This year agad?! So now, if I get asked again, my next default answer will be: “I will cross the bridge when I get there.”

5. Choosing discipline is hard. It’s not always fun and will-based. Like when I run, sometimes I really need an extra push (literally and figuratively) to get myself off the bed and run like a horse with blinkers.

Some big stuff, February! 28 days felt so jampacked and character-stretching.

Although I must say I am also excited for a few things this March:

1. Even though I feel like I’m lacking time, I am going to push for my 1st run deadline by the end of March. Accckkk so help me God

2. Rebuilding old accountability groups from church and personal circle, but also developing new ones :) Oh so grateful that from season to season, God surrounds me with good and wise counsel. 🙏🏼

3. Once I finish March, I am shifting to another training set for my next 15/21km target. (Lord, pls help me)

Grabe, it’s just month #2 and 2023’s stepping up its game already. 😂🙄 I remember the Death Crawl scene in Facing the Giants movie. I take inspiration from this line: “You’re gonna give me your best.” Aye aye! 10 more! Let’s go!

Watch the scene here: https://youtu.be/SpdLC4RdJTg

[garetlomodag]

January 2023: Two Hard Truths

Annyeong! Here’s a new post and it’s not even December yet! Can you believe it? January is already ending!! This year, I’m hoping to write / post more on Tumblr. Hopefully, every month. But let’s see how long it will last hehe

If you are here now, then it only means you have access to the link. You are probably among the 7.5% filtered friends I have on IG. Haha. It also means I trust you enough to see whatever weird stuff I put here and I don’t mind you reading & judging my run-on sentences. Hehe. Although this blog is open to the public, I usually just share a post on my other social media accounts every year-end. For the other posts, I prefer to dump here quietly. 

But since I’m trying to post more, I’m also sort of using this as my quick checkpoints / quick updates for my friends. In fact my year-end post last year was sent many times as DMs to some of my friends who wanted a quick catch up or preview. Lol. Para efficient. Haha. 

Now on to today’s topic: January Hard Truths! I thought this month would be easy just like the past years. I was hoping it would be my transition month to 2023.  But oh well, what’s a new year without new surprises. 

Let’s start with the biggest one and the one that affected me the most:

#1 Sticking with your real people - this covers all types of relationships. For context, I know a lot of people (it comes with age and experience hehe but true). I value caring for people. And even though this is generally good, it also means I am prone to getting myself entangled and involved with people who can only give me mediocre relationships or betrayal. 

Several times over the years I have received comments from different people like:

"Ang dami mong kakilala, ang dami mong kaibigan.” “Bakit nagtitiwala ka sa taong yan?” “Bida bida naman yan si Garet kaya kinakaibigan lahat” “The people who hurt you despite the good that you did to them only showed their true colors. What happened to you is also a reflection of your capacity to love. It is not skin-deep because you love deeply.” (cue Garet’s ugly cry) “Bakit mo pinagtatanggol yan?” “Bakit ka nagsosorry diyan?!” “Ka-close mo yun?”

I can share a lot more, but you can already imagine how it affects me. When the year started, I wanted to be more intentional with the relationships I want to nurture and develop. This also means rediverting from other relationships to the more meaningful ones. And it was a struggle for me. Not because I didn’t know which relationships to prioritize, but because I genuinely wanted all of it to be true and meaningful.  But that’s not the reality, right? Fortunately, in my pursuit of deep relationships, I think God blessed me with a very strong discernment of people. And oftentimes, I already know and sense who are the real ones; and who will end up hurting me. FYI my hit rate is very high. Haha. This month was not an exemption. It felt like God was helping me prune my circle. I have several connections now that I intend to take a break from or invest less time/love on. It is not easy.  Some might ask: Why do you still care for people that you know are not true to you? Why do you even want to be friends with people who do not treat you the same way? I’ve pondered about it for a time already. I have concluded that it is because I don’t want to miss out on potential true relationships just because of any preconceived judgements. I’d rather risk building friendships and eventually getting hurt than not trying at all.  To be honest, I think it is not a matter of reducing the # of my friends. It’s also not "changing / reducing” the quality of how I treat them either. I’d like to think, it will now be a matter of me keeping what is true to me: that I still value caring for people, but I will be more mindful of which ones should take up my time, a space in my head and in my heart. I’m sticking MORE with my real people. I don’t know how things will pan out, but I’m hopeful. #2 Consistency is the key / Consistency leads to momentum - such a cliché no? But definitely the most output-oriented item in my list. If you haven’t read my year-end post (go read it!), you probably do not know that I returned to running sometime before Q4 of 2022. Of course it’s a full story in itself. But from when I started again (the hardest part) to where I am now, I can honestly say I am stronger and better in so many areas!!! Physical, mental, spiritual.  I am not saying it’s easy, my friend. Let me tell you that I am not yet done with the goal I set last Sept 24, 2022. The first few weeks felt like crazy. If not for the support I got from the right people + my messed up sleeping patterns (hehe), I would have just gone back to my slump. It was my prayer to God to give me a support group so I could get back on track, and He definitely used several random people. Even now, the person monitoring me and my runs is different from the first person I started with last year. I am grateful to God for bringing these people, but also super grateful to them for really pushing me. It was all tough love. Haha. On days when I wanted to just sleep in, I would get message reminders from different people. “Did you run na?” “Tumakbo na u?” “Bawal kumain (marami) niyan!!” -- a reply to my IG story :( hahahuhu (You know who you are haha know that I love you) I probably didn’t understand its gravity when I started last year, but the consistency leading to today showed legit tangible changes. Aaaaahhhhh I don’t even know how to put it into words. I am shocked I even made it this far. It was like a full project that involved a lot of people. It was teamwork. It was a blessing. Thank You God for leading me here. :D So if you are planning to do something -- maybe a marathon, finishing a book, going to church -- do it! Do it in whatever pacing you want to. Do it with your people! And keep at it. Keep showing up. I’d like to use the word “intentional” again in this item, similar to #1. Keep showing up and be intentional with what you want to do. Commit. You won’t even realize that you are already near your goal. Go for it! I support! To honor those who are supporting me, I plan to support others too! :) So much for hard truths! February is coming and I’m dreading it (you know why!) HEHEHE. Let’s see how God will step in this coming month. See you here again next month (hopefully). Hehe With you in prayers.  -G

[garetlomodag]

My 2022 Anti-hero

Yep, you read that right. I used Taylor Swift’s new song “Anti-hero” in the title. If you’ve listened to it already, you should know who the anti-hero is then. If not, then read on, my friend.

If you’ve known me for a while and you somehow made your way to my life a bit closer, you’re probably aware I do blogs like this and that I normally write every year end (cos why not). If it’s your first time here, then buckle up cos this one’s gonna be long and I am not sure you’re ready for a serious peek in my life. mehehe

I must say I’ve gone through some tough times in my years of existence but this year hits different. 2022 was way too fast, especially in its latter parts. It’s not that I couldn’t keep up, I was also too fast. Too fast that even if I was already aware, I couldn’t stop the engine. It was going in directions (not just one) I did not intend to be in. It was moving at a pace where I just realized I was messing it up but I was already at the tail end.

If you know me well, you know “fast” is not my thing. I always take time. I don’t rush things. I need time to process and articulate. So 2022 was really a challenge for me. It took a toll on me that I had to ring SOS to God and some of my good and wise friends.

Oh what mercy it is to be surrounded by people who truly love God and love me and will slap me in the face with truth to wake me up! (that’s why folks, go for friends who are genuinely a good counsel and aligned with your core values)

God has been personal with the people/community He’s brought to my life this year. He directed me to my new church: Pinnacle Village. I joined the P&W music team again (after N years!!) and met new people I can worship God with. I have a pastor who is very intentional and personal; plus a huddle group that prays for me all the way from the US and Pampanga!

you may check PV here:

Lives are stronger when connections are deeper.

Lives are stronger when connections are deeper.

Of course, my closest friends (all the way from Dubai and far north & south) also played a big part for me this year. From referring me to my new church to dropping truth bombs to my face every single time I would SOS-video call and do my breakdowns in my car.

I am blessed to even be given good friends at work — which was part of my prayer before transitioning jobs — who would point me back to Jesus and remind me who I am (from when they first met me); almost everyday. 🥹

It didn’t take long for me to realize how God has been nudging me to reevaluate my life and what truly matters, but it was me (the anti-hero) who stubbornly evaded restoration and correction because I was in a state of— as John Piper said it:

“If you don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”

At some point, I felt like I was losing myself. I was conflicted. I was struggling. I had a lot of questions that even good counsel couldn’t appease.

I knew it was already escalating when my dog (Mallow) even started sleeping beside my head to make sure I continue sleeping. She knew and felt it too. 🥹

It was so bad that I had to go back to running because I kept waking up at 2am or 3am. I had to re-divert focus and just run because I couldn’t sleep anymore. I needed the endorphins from running to keep me going.

But it still wasn’t enough — especially on tough days at home — that eventually (as I mentioned in one of my conversations with a good friend from work) work has become an opium for me. Don’t get me wrong, I really work a lot (that’s part of my work-life balance). But this time I was working like crazy. I was restless. Pushed my limits. I was aware. And I was stubborn.

I did everything I could to evade the very thing I needed to do: to come back again and be vulnerable at the foot of the Cross, in the presence of Christ — the true lover of my soul. The One who can give me peace that transcends all understanding.

Vulnerability has always been my struggle. But before it was just with people. I didn’t have troubles going to God. All these years I’ve always been honest with God. In all my seasons, the brightest and darkest ones, God was always the first person I would go to for help. So I am still shocked now that I am looking back at this year.

It was like an actualization of “Strider” in LOTR. The lone wolf. And now that I think about it, my blog title, the wandering soul.

And so I ask myself, what happened? As someone who takes time to process things, you should know that I was already thinking of this blog for weeks already. I’ve already started drafting some thoughts in my head leading to today. I just decided Dec 30 will be the day I write and post.

Weeks leading to today, I was already thinking deeply of what went down this year and how come I didn’t notice it earlier. What was really going on with my mind? My heart? My soul?

But I realized my mind knows. I was aware (at some point). And the truth is also stored in my head. I know the right things to say to myself. I have the songs and the Bible verses in my head.

Then it dawned on me. It was my heart. Where faith resides. That’s where the conflict is. Though my mind knows, my heart tells me otherwise. My heart struggles to believe what the mind knows.

In my prayer and ugly cry moment this morning, I caught myself saying things like these to God:

“I KNOW You love me, I know You care for me, but will You please restore to me the joy of my salvation?”

“I KNOW You have the best plans for me, but right now, my heart questions if what You want for me is what I want for myself.”

“I KNOW You know what is best, but I am finding it hard to trust You like before.”

“Where are You in all of this?”

I even remembered this song that basically sums up what I’m feeling:

Jesus, I’m sorry ‘bout last night.

Jesus, we both know I tried.

Jesus, feels like the world’s in pieces

I’m sure You’ve got Your reasons

But I have my doubts

Jesus, I have my doubts

When everything that’s right feels wrong

And all of my belief feels gone

And the darkness in my heart is so strong

Can You reach me here in the silence?

I know that the heart is deceitful so it cannot really be fully trusted.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”

But sometimes the emotions and feelings are too strong that I need the One who created it to reach down and touch it. To remind me again that I don’t live and operate life with just feelings and what I feel and think is right.

I really like this line from the song: “Can You reach me here in the silence?”

Cos these things I don’t and can’t really talk about with random people. In my room, my car, in silence, that’s where I unload these things.

So in my prayer, I say: “God, my mind knows, but will You please help my unbelief? Can You reach my heart here in the silence?”

What my college missionary mentor/Tatay/discipler from Campus Crusade for Christ said years back still holds true:

“The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.”

The root of my struggles with trusting God is coming from a place of wanting to control things and taking matters into my own hands. It is losing belief that He holds my best interest.

But after weeks/months of struggle and wrestling with God (picture what Jacob did in Gen. 32; when he was acting from a place of “fear and distress”), I find comfort in two verses which I will hold dear and cling onto for 2023:

Psalms 84:11-12 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You!”

I cry. No good thing will He withhold from me. So the deepest questions and longing in my heart, now replaced with comfort in knowing that whatever I have and don’t have now, are still part of His best interest for me. 🥺 I hope that I will walk uprightly and never lose trust (again).

Now I am welcoming 2023 knowing that His eyes are still set on me:

Psalms 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.”

Aaaaahhhh. I say this again from a place of rest and peace: It is well with my soul. 🥹

Thank You Jesus. 🤍

Happy New Year, friends. I am with you in prayers. 🤍🤗

[garetlomodag]

The Secret Place

Photo source

Whenever I come to Tumblr, it’s usually because I had something in mind that I probably put in my notes (in my phone or journal) that I later on complete as I find time to reflect and eventually post. Today’s a bit different. I am here, but without any complete train of thought. Just undone, while listening to Kari Jobe’s The Blessing album; with First Love being the first track to play. I don’t have anything yet. I just type as I recollect today’s events, the past weeks’, months’ escapades and wanderings. My heart is throbbing like crazy -- probably triggered by something I am not able to identify yet, and I have a gazillion things flowing in my head too fast -- and I just can’t make it stop. So, I write.  I did all the “pause and reflect”, “meditate and pray”, “breathing exercise” but I am here.. undone.  Now, I ask God, what is it that You want to tell me? What is it that I am not able to articulate and process? Where are You in all this? There’s a lot of just staring blankly at the screen. But also a lot of singing while typing.  Then I realize, how comforting it is to just be here. To just type. To be vulnerable, right here, right now. Maybe Tumblr has become a “not-so” secret space (well, if you’re here now, there are so many things you will read in this blog that I don’t usually talk about in person). But I also have this aha moment that the main reason this virtual space felt safe is because whenever I come here, I don’t just unload my thoughts, Jesus meets me; His presence, not the platform, is what made this space feel like a safe one. He probably has unique ways of dealing with all of us and making His presence felt, and maybe this is just one of them specifically for me.  In the whole thought-process. The typing-erasing then typing again, the listening to beautiful songs that touch my soul. The “just an altar and a flame” feeling that Kari Jobe must be singing about. My heart is still throbbing, btw. But this time, with hope and confidence. Not the one that felt heavy and aching at the start (which was 2 hours ago already mehehe, I’ve been typing here that long). This time, with hope that this overwhelming feeling stays and not be fleeting. Have you ever felt this way? To feel all those weird unprocessed feelings then suddenly getting caught up like an avalanche, having a quick turnaround -- in love and grace? The one where your soul feels all the chaos then suddenly gets quiet and calm? My friend, if you’re still here reading this and probably going through the same thing, I cannot explain enough and I don’t have all the wise words to probably convey this properly. But it is Jesus. He is what made the difference from when I started, to where I am now.  And if you are in the same moment/season, my hope for you is to also have that Secret Place where Jesus is all that it takes to calm your (inner) storm.