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@garryastle
A Final Goodbye
All good things must come to an end. This is no different for the Cereal Killers and we thought “hey, why not go out with a bang?” Not so much a bang but it’s the best we got. A variety pack of cereal was bought and labelled by an outside force, we then took turns blindly choosing numbers until we ended up with 4 random cereal boxes to mix up and eat. Garry It’s been a long time since you heard…
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Grape Expectations...
Grape Expectations…
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Grape-nuts Price: £2.75 Weight: 580g Manufacturer: HITLER Number 1 Customer: Edward Benjamin Smith (Edolf Smithler)
Garry
I thought that Bran Sticks were the lowest of the low in the cereal world. I thought I had journeyed to the dirty, skanky underbelly of cerealville and witnessed the worst on offer in breakfast food goods. That was before Grape-nuts…
Grape…
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You Can't Teach An Old Cereal New Weeta-tricks.
You Can’t Teach An Old Cereal New Weeta-tricks.
Vital Statistics:
Cereal..er..drink: Weetabix On The Go Price: £1.39 each Capacity: 250ml Manufacturer: Weetabix Rejected Flavours: Swamp Foot, Steak and Ale Pie, Regular Weetabix.
Garry:
Giuseppe and I usually snuggle together for warmth when it gets cold here at Cereal Killers HQ. We came to the conclusion that an image of that would send our female fans into a sexual, feverish overdrive, so we…
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2Spooky4Me
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Limited Edition Spooky Shreddies Price: £2.00 Weight: 500g Manufacturer: Nestle Best Horror Film: Manos: The Hands of Fate Favourite Halloween Costume: Slutty Cat
Scary Astle
When Giuseppe first put Spooky Shreddies in our trolley I was terrified. There is this scary pumpkin bastard on the box who looks right into you with this menacing little smile. “I can’t review these…
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I'm getting tired of the Cereal Killers now, Garry
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Alpha Bites Price: £2.00 Weight: 375g Manufacturer: Bear Best Word to Spell Out: Butts Most Common Letter: 3
Garry
Hello. Giuseppe chose these cereals because he said he liked the look of the box. I had a look at it and then hastily reassured him that I too liked the look of the box. It’s got a bear on it. Anything else past that point is frivolous, but I will continue with…
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Make Love and Listen to the Muesli
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Supremely Nutty Muesli Price: £1.99 Weight: 500g Manufacturer: Deluxe (I don’t fucking know) Average Age of Consumer: 87 (and Edward Benjamin Smith) Hobbies: Knitting and Bargain Hunt
Garry:
Muesli. I never thought I’d be eating it willingly before I was 70. But we here at Cereal Killers HQ do not discriminate when it comes to cereal… except the honey monster. That ugly,…
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Are You Shreddie For This?
http://wp.me/p4qr9z-2K
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Frosted Shreddies Price: £1.24 Weight: 500g Manufacturers: Nestle Knitted by: Grandmas Frosted by: Grandpas Suggested listening when reading this review:
Garry
My keyboard is wet. Trying to type is difficult as teardrops crash down like meteoric home truths. The home truth is that I’ve done you wrong. 4 months.…
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WOW! That's What I'm Not Talking About!
WOW! That’s What I’m Not Talking About!
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Choco Wows and Honey Wows Price: £2.65 each Weight: 500g Manufacturers: Honey Monster Foods
Fun Facts about the Honey Monster: Favourite Accessory: Couldn’t choose between doo rag and afro comb. Favourite Drink: Femfresh Most Embarrassing Moment: Getting a human sock stuck on his back at Monsters Inc and being shaved… Everywhere.
Garry:
A few things before I get down to…
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The Crunchback of Notre DAYUM!
The Crunchback of Notre DAYUM!
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Cap’n Crunch Price: £3.50 (on sale!) Weight: 398g (14 oz for the strange American weight system) Manufacturers: Quaker Fun Facts about the Cap’n: Cap’n isn’t actually a Captain, just a small pensioner with alzheimers. He served time for ‘crunch-a-tize’ing a prostitute. His eyebrows are actually sewed onto his hat. He secretly has alopecia.
Garry:
Firstly I would…
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We Killed Our First Cereal
We Killed Our First Cereal
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: High Fibre Bran Price: Too damn high (fibre bran) Weight: 500g Manufacturers: Co-Op Best Friend: Satan Favourite Hairstyle: Dreadlocks Football Team: Branchester United
Bass Hunter:
I know it’s been a long, boring, disheartening, shitty Easter without The Cereal Killers. But don’t worry the boys are back in town with a cilit BANG! It’s the cereal everyone has been…
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A Special Message From The Cereal Killers
A Special Message From The Cereal Killers
It’s that time of year again when we celebrate the birth of Cereal Jesus; Easter. With this special holiday comes a big break from our studies and so it’s with a heavy heart that we have to put our Cereal Killing on hiatus for a few weeks.
But don’t worry. We’ll be back and bigger than ever. We have something very special planned for our big comeback and hope you’ll join us for it.
In the…
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Top of the Pops
Top of the Pops
Vital Statistics:
Cereal: Coco Pops
Price: £1.50 (offer in Sainsbury’s)
Weight: 295g
Manufacturers: Kellogs
Favourite Pokemon: Oddish
Starsign: Goatman
Special Fact: Has webbed toes
Garry:
Me and Coco Pops go way back. We’ve got history. An illustrative one at that. I was four years old when one fateful day my mother did a routine shop at Morrisons and brought home a magical yellow box of…
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Rice Krispies get reviewed by The Cereal Killers.
The Cereal Killers review Weetos.
First review from the Cereal Killers.
For anyone that missed it, here is the first post from The Cereal Killers.
Hungry Like The Wolves
Hungry Like The Wolves
Vital Statistics
Cereal: Cookie Crisp Price: £2.65 Weight: 375g Manufacturers: Nestle Country of Birth: North Korea Favourite Biscuit: Pink Wafer Fun Fact: Several wolves have played the mascot Wilf over the years, each one died of diabeetus.
Garry:
Welcome to another cereal killers blog! First things first, yes I have had a haircut. Now then, Cookie Crisp. I haven’t had it in years. I used to…
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