Unedited, Unfinished, Untitled (just wanna put it out and see what happens)
“It’s a hot morning. I don’t like hot coffee. And I already had hot soup.”
Alex pours a small amount of boiling water to a cup and shows it to Tasho. She approves. Alex opens the freezer to get ice cubes.
It is a Monday morning and hits of Billie Holiday keep on playing since they got up from bed. Upon waking up, they left their beds unmade and had a quick shower. At 7:30 am, they made pancakes.
Alex’s one-bedroom condominium unit smells like pancakes and Tasho cannot stop eating them.
“I never thought I can make such great pancakes.”
“Well..even if half of them looked battered, I have to say they’re really good,” Alex says as she walks towards the dining table, two cups of coffee in hand.
She sits in front of Tasho and takes a sip of her hot coffee.
“The weather is so fucking retarded. Look at the sky.”
Tasho looks behind her where a huge window overlooks the city. It is her favorite spot in Alex’s place. It gets a lot cooler during night time. She can lie in the comfortable sofa and read a book and stare at the stars. That spot is so chill, people should avoid it when they have a lot of things to do.
“Oh yeah. Looks like it’s gonna rain. But it’s still fucking hot.”
“Maybe it will get cold. Just like last night.”
At 9:00 am, they start working. Alex gathers all her materials and plans her designs for the new set of shirts and shoes that her online shop will release. She started this business when she was in her last year in college. Now, seven years have passed, it became big enough for her to be able to send her two younger brothers in college and support her family in many ways. Her business had gained much more popularity ever since she decided to break from the trend and show her uniqueness through her works. The statement shirts and the various kinds of classy and durable shoes are so personalized that people who receive it always feel like Alex and her co-creators have just made those things especially for them.
On the other hand, Tasho has her headphones on as she watches documentaries from her laptop. She has been researching and studying various documentaries for one and a half months now in order to come up with another one that will hopefully be as successful as the first. The first documentary is about people who had survived mental illnesses. Ever since she watched Girl, Interrupted back in high school, she had always been interested with crazy people. In her documentary, they were not depicted as crazy. She exposed the greatest desires of their lonely hearts. It won her an award. It was her first award as a creator and story-teller. Now, her work focuses on crimes committed by women and how justice can be tweaked just because the offenders have always been defined as “emotional”.
They have important things to do. But they just cannot stop talking to each other. They are in a kind of funny situation where it seems like they are back in being college students again. This Monday morning is almost the same with those Monday mornings they shared ten years ago.
“Hi ladies or Hey ladies? What do you think?”
“Not exclusively for them.”
“Oh fuck. That was a stupid question!”
They laughed. Alex showed Tasho the designs again.
“Hi ladies. I don’t like greeting ladies with a Hey.”
“Proper ladies like that.”
“May I know what a proper lady for you is?”
Tasho laughs and looks at Alex from head to toe. She wears her black hair in a messy bun. Her black eyeglasses resemble her black and a bit slanting eyes. This glasses and the way it complements her personality intensifies her image as someone who is unapproachable. Her skin is very fair yet not pale. She has few pimple marks. Her t-shirt is oversized and her jeans are so tattered. She has a huge feet and she is 5’7 tall.
Tasho stands up and walks toward Alex as she speaks.
“My proper lady is a petite one just like me. Petite but powerful, and can stand out from the crowd. She should have short hair, a cherubic face…I’m not for girls who look intimidating, you know. I think that’s not sexy. That’s frightening.”
Alex laughs and reaches for Tasho’s hand so she can come closer. Their faces are only a few inches apart as they talk. They can feel each other’s breaths touch their cheeks. Tasho’s other hand caresses Alex’s hair.
“I want someone who is so girly, so lipstick, those who wear shorts who look like undies. I don’t want someone who wears tattered jeans and black hipster eyeglasses.”
“So are you saying that you’re over with your fascination-over-tall-and-hot-girls phase?”
Tasho touches Alex’s lips with her thumb.
“You’re such a big liar.”
They let go of each other tenderly. Tasho looks at some new t-shirt designs and tries on some newly released t-shirts. She proceeds in front of the whole body mirror and ties up her thick and brownish hair into a bun which is a lot messier than Alex’s.
“I don’t know which is messier, my life or my hair!”
Tasho touches her wide forehead and measures it with her fingers, an old habit of making fun of herself. She wipes some dirt on her eyeglasses before she wears it again. She stares at herself. Alex looks on, amused and delighted.
“That t-shirt looks good on you.”
“Why? Cause it says Small steps lead to big things?”
Alex giggles. “That’s not my point.”
“I think my version of a proper lady and I won’t look good together. I mean, come on, if we’re both tiny we’ll look like two elementary girl best friends playing with each other.”
“What game are you playing?”
“That sounds dirty. Fuck off….but seriously, I feel like I haven’t changed a bit since high school. I’m still fucking five feet tall and no matter how hard I try, I cannot look like a lady. And I always look like I’m gonna fight with someone. I need to change the way I walk…and move, basically. How do you guys look like a lady? You know, sometimes, I feel like people don’t take my ideas seriously because they cannot even see the person talking in front!”
Alex almost falls from her chair from laughing.
“You look attractive just the way you are. That’s your unique charm. Don’t you ever change it. But correction, you’re not five feet tall. You’re a little shorter.”
Alex laughs harder. Tasho takes off the new t-shirt and throws it to her. As she wears her loose tank top, she walks towards the bedroom. When she returns, she has Alex’s DSLR in hand.
“So…it seems like you have no plans of getting serious with work today..”
“Oh let’s not kid ourselves. We can’t be serious this Monday morning. It will be like wasting our time if we spend it with working.”
“Wow. Welcome back, Tasho..Version: High School.”
“You’ve already welcomed me enough last night. It was a very warm welcome.”
Alex looks at her shyly. Then immediately sets her working materials aside.
“Speaking of high school,” Tasho continues. “Remember those silly videos we made?”
“Yes. They are still stored in a box which only you and I can open.”
“Good. Now, let’s add more to that box of treasured stupidity.”
Tasho sets up the camera and finds an angle where she can capture Alex perfectly.
“I suppose I’m the star in the stupid video today and I can’t do anything about it.”
“Behind the camera is my territory. Be my actress.”
“I am your actress. And your bitch. And the cheese to your macaroni.”
“Eeeww. Too cheesy. Don’t set aside your materials. Use them in this act. The situation goes like this…let’s say you’re gonna make a pair of shoes for me. How are you going to design it?”
Alex ponders at the question as Tasho motions behind the camera.
“Okay, let’s roll. 3, 2, 1…action!”
“Hi there! I’m Alex and I was given this awful task of designing a pair of shoes for Tasho. You know why this is awful? I don’t do kids’ sizes.”
The video goes on for the next fifteen minutes and they still laugh so hard. Tasho zooms in the camera to capture Alex better. As she slowly spans upward starting from her feet, she remembers the familiar warmth whenever their feet play with the bed cover, whenever their legs get tangled with each other, whenever they hold hands, whenever they stare at each other. The warm feeling has never changed through the years. It is always there and it is only there when it is them and not Alex with somebody else or Tasho with somebody else. This warmth which was kept for many years took them somewhere else last night, somewhere they have always needed and wanted to be.
Yesterday, Alex listened to the Sunday morning news as she unpacked her groceries. She kept on looking at her chosen recipe just to make sure that she had bought all the ingredients correctly. Every time she finished checking it, she stared at them for a couple of minutes, questioning their existence and questioning why she was damn nervous of cooking pasta and making pizza. She had cooked a lot of more complicated recipes and she was oftentimes good at it.
She felt so stupid and set the recipe and the groceries aside. She glanced at the clock.
“Oh gosh…Tasho,” she murmured to herself.
It would be Tasho’s first time to visit her place. She would arrive before dinner time but Alex made sure that she would be free the whole day to prepare for it. She cleaned the whole place and made sure that she had brilliant movies in store for Tasho, in case she would want them to watch one.
Alex was definitely excited and she felt stupid about it.
Sitting on the sofa beside a huge window, Alex stared at the cars which appeared like toys from where she was. She looked at the huge and nonsense billboards that had always been one of the main reasons why drivers turn to perverts and masturbate while stuck in traffic. Media should fucking get things straight, she thought.
Then her thoughts went back to Tasho. If she had not attended their high school reunion and went to her business trip instead, would she regret it? She would have been busy this Sunday and preoccupied with more serious stuff than making pasta and pizza and cleaning her whole unit for someone who knew how disorganized she could be. But that would have been freaking boring. She knew that she would rather feel stupidly excited than boring and busy.
She still could not get things straight with Tasho. They did not even know how to. But Alex liked where they were going.
_________________________________________________________
“1, 2, 3....CHEERS! Let’s rock this night! We’re going old school, motherfuckers.”
Rick had been screaming and singing on stage for more than five songs now. He was supposed to sing only three but then the crowd wanted his energy so bad that they requested for more from the bad mouthed rocker.
“Holy shit. This is definitely Rick’s night!” Nike exclaimed.
“He never lost the magic. That’s what you get from dropping out of college and following Kurt Cobain. Those shitty gigs and records are all worth it, Rick!” Tasho shouted as she raised a beer on one hand and flashed a bad finger using the other. Rick saw it from the stage and greatly returned the favor.
“Hey guys. Look around you,” Taylor said as she returned to her seat and leaned closer so the whole circle could hear her. She had been roaming around the bar since the event started because most of the single men whom she were never friends with back in high school were hitting on her. Taylor had always been an effortless charmer. She wore a gray button up shirt, gray pants, and black boots. She had a red lipstick on and every man who approached her seemed to stare at it. Throughout the years, she had always been one of Tasho’s favorite people. The world would lack a certain rhythm without her ridiculous laugh.
“I just talked to some of our friends whom I haven’t seen for years and…well…,” she paused and gave each of her friends a look. “It seems like having families are so in.”
Seven heads went laughing.
“What’s so funny about that?!” Taylor asked, facing Tasho.
“It’s your face! You looked like you wanted to have a baby at that exact moment!”
“Tasho!” she hit her at the shoulder.
“Is pressure kicking in?” Vicky asked. “I thought you’re very cool with being the aunt who travels and gives her nieces and nephews expensive gifts.”
“Of course I’m still very cool with that. It’s just that I still can’t imagine myself having a family or even having a fiancé, a husband. And at 27, I feel so abnormal because of that…especially right now.”
“News Flash!” Toni exclaimed. “We’re all single here, darling. We all don’t have babies and diapers to deal with. Unless Pao has forcefully impregnated that girl he’s obsessing with.”
“Oh yeah. Fucked her hard in my dreams. I can already hear the baby crying.”
Nike and Andrew cheered. Taylor threw some fries at Pao. He opened his mouth and attempted to catch some of it.
Rose broke the high school chaos and passed a can of beer for each one.
“But seriously..,” Taylor said as Tasho gave her a slice of pizza. “You can clearly see how happiness is different for different people in this room.”
“I agree,” Tasho said. “If you have never imagined yourself being a wife and a mom, some people have done it years before. So they did it. They become what they are today and most of them look really happy so that’s cool. Some look so fucking stressed. I hope everything’s going okay at home.”
Everyone nodded. Pao pointed to a group of their batch mates as examples.
“And then there’s us,” Tasho continues. “We’re 27 and single but we’re not abnormal. We just don’t feel the desire of nesting yet. We still wanna do a lot of things or maybe this thing of settling down or having kids is not for us..or for some of us.”
“You mean not for you,” Taylor whispered to Tasho. She put her arm around her.
“You mean not for the two of you. Les – Oh!”
Vicky exclaimed as Tasho pulled Taylor closer as if she was about to kiss her.
“Oh don’t be such a tease, babe!” Taylor shouted.
“Can you guys start making this real and stop being just best friends? The chemistry is killing us.”
“We can’t…especially now that Taylor’s pressured with being a mom.”
Taylor slowly let go of Tasho as she looked at someone approaching their table.
“Alex! Oh my gosh! You made it!”
Taylor stood up and gave Alex a tight hug. Tasho slowly followed. Everyone watched carefully while trying so hard to hide it. They greeted Alex the moment she let go of Tasho.
It had been so long since Alex and Tasho were put together in the same room. If there was one person in there who knew all about them, it was definitely Taylor. She stood between them and she could not help but notice the same black eyeglasses and black leather jackets that Alex and Tasho wore. She knew she was not the only one who noticed it. Before things and her crazy friends became more awkward, she broke the silence in the table.
“I thought you’re on a business trip,” said Taylor.
“Well I decided to postpone it and attend this reunion instead. Who knew that the lower batch can arrange this kind of event? It turns out they’re not as lame as they seemed to be.”
Everyone laughed and shyly looked around them to check if any of the organizers had heard. When Alex intentionally repeated what she said, they almost hid under the table.
“Hey big winner. I watched your documentary many times. I hope you know that you’re amazing.”
Tasho smiled and did not say anything.
“Thank you for saying that, Alex. Tasho really needs that because she currently believes that her success was just brought by luck,” said Toni.
“Really? Don’t tell me you’re back to that self deprecating behavior again. Taylor, please smash her trophy on her face so she can wake up.”
Alex and Taylor shared a high five.
“Oh quit ganging up on me! Anyway, did you just arrive?”
“Why don’t you join us here?” asked Taylor. “We choose to settle and seclude ourselves in this table so we can freely talk about single life without offending people who are officially tied down forever.”
“Oh I see,” Alex said as she looked at Tasho. Taylor caught the look and immediately glanced away.
“Well in that case I think you should say hi to the guys out there. Not all single, but all cool about anything so we can offend and tease them as long as we want.”
“Who’s there?” Andrew asked.
“More people you haven’t seen in years and you definitely miss.”
The whole group decided to leave their table and meet their other friends. Tasho let them go first. She went to the washroom to fix herself. Taylor followed her.
Taylor saw her as she darkened her eyeliner and put on some lipstick.
“That wasn’t so awkward. It seems like time really heals all wounds.” Taylor said.
“We were never awkward. And there were no wounds to heal.”
“Oh yeah? Those two years when you two never talked to each other but asked everyone else how the other was doing, weren’t awkward? And then the year after that, when everything between the two of you was almost alright again, you both specifically told each other that you will never ever going back together. Ever. Then Taylor Swift composed the song. That didn’t hurt?”
There would always be some memories in any person’s past that are vivid and strong that during times when it would all come rushing back, it would be like bathing using a noisy shower that blinds the eye, hurts the skin, and never turns off.
Taylor just turned that shower on for Tasho.
“Those two years allowed us to breathe. It wasn’t –
“I’m not sure if breathing is the same as stressing over her.”
“And that inspiration for Taylor Swift’s song –
“Don’t point your eyes on me when you say Taylor Swift. I’ve had enough of that.”
“It was a favor for both of us, Tay. It was an agreement, a deal. It wasn’t meant to hurt anyone.”
“Anyway,” Tasho faced Taylor. “Can you please go back to being my sweet best friend and stop being a bitch? When did ganging up on me become a thing?”
“I just don’t understand the two of you! If you and I have this chemistry that perfectly fits television, you and Alex have this attraction that…that makes me believe that two people can stay in love for a long time.”
“Tay, you need an attraction to have chemistry. How did you fucking pass Mr. Travero’s Chemistry class?!”
Tasho silently exhaled from taking a deep breath.
“We can’t be together. We’re both too complicated and too similar. We are….the relationship is too passionate that it can explode. You can imagine it as perfect but in reality, you can’t handle it.”
“Tasho, you and Alex were both young that time. You did shitty things and that’s normal. And you too are two of the very few people I know who really learn from their shit. Like, really.”
Tasho paused and stared at Taylor.
“Aren’t you the number one shipper now?” she said.
Tasho and Taylor joined their friends. Rick followed after his band’s final song. They were all surprised to see people they had not seen in years and in just a few minutes of sitting with each other, those years that separated them seemed to be forgotten. It seemed like they were just having their usual night outs back in high school days, those days when it was easy to fool around and get everything back to their places. They occupied the huge table outside the bar where the reunion was held. It was nearly dawn and they began to feel the cold June breeze. The place was full of bars and restaurants and they observed the party animals who were on their way home. High school memories were recalled and tons of embarrassment were felt by each person, especially those who were involved in many stories. Their voices and laughs echoed louder than the music inside the bar. It was really a fun night. It seemed like they changed a lot but they did not change at all. Maybe that was really the natural feeling of being with people whom you were with when everything else was just beginning to unfold. They know you. No matter what happens, they know you.
Between Alex and Tasho, there was a different form of knowing that was shared. It was a higher form of knowing that enabled Tasho to know that Alex could not take the five shots of vodka that she got as a punishment for not answering Rick’s question in spin-the-bottle. Vodka had always made her go crazy and very few people knew about it.
“Okay, cut it Rick. I’ll take the shots.” Tasho said as she stopped Rick and Michael from forcing Alex to drink.
She sat next to Alex and even if she did not look at everyone in that table, she knew their eyes were all on both of them.
“The bottle never pointed at me. I’ve been craving for shots,” she said.
Alex stared at her as she took all of it in a manner that was so normal and so relaxed. She took it in a manner that was not like Tasho’s. When she finished it all instantly, their friends cheered.
Then Rose had the bottle spinning again.
In the next few hours, Alex stayed in the party even if she was supposed to leave early for an appointment the next morning. Tasho stayed beside her.
Taylor hid her amusement the whole time, not wanting Tasho to smash her with a bottle of vodka.
_________________________________________________________
It was the time of the school year when sleeping was a form of wasting time and creating a possibility for failure. Not that almost every week in college was not like this. This was simply more intense and Tasho cursed all night long while suffering from her skin allergies and writing a research paper due the next morning at 7:30 am. It was already 1 am and she stared at the blank document of her RRL.
She was exhausted. She forced her hands to type but her brain and the freaking itchy and irritating eczema on her legs demanded to be on bed. So she lied down.
Ten minutes later, just before she was totally asleep, her phone rang. She was half awake when she answered it.
“I love you, too. Even though you woke me up.”
“Life’s shitty. I can’t fucking fix it.”
“Can’t get the presentation done?”
“I don’t even wanna finish it. No, I actually do. But I’m fucking tired. I don’t know.”
“Well my RRL is empty. Let’s despair together.”
Tasho sat up and imagined Alex as she said those words.
“I can’t wait for this fucking hell of a semester to be over and be with you,” Alex continued.
“One more week, Alex. Then we’re going to the BenCab Museum, deciphering Ang Kiukok and posing beside the Bulul collection. After that, we’ll rest our feet inside the indie movie house where we can finally watch good local movies. Then we’ll just walk around and enjoy the cold breeze of Baguio at night –
“Then of course we’ll attract some haters because we’re two hot girls kissing each other.”
“You’re the hot one. I’m the…well..alright one.”
“Don’t ruin the moment, Tash.”
“Sorry. Okay..well…that will be fantastic! Plus I can wear my precious Doc Martens all day without making my feet sweat like shit. Oh gosh…let’s fucking go there now!”
They were surprised to hear each other laughing so loud in spite of being so drained the whole day.
“I wish you were still here with me, you know,” said Alex. “Things are always easier when you’re around.”
Then they were silent for a few seconds. Tasho played with her keyboard and let her fingers type anything. Alex heard it and waited for her to speak first.
“I know. I’m just thinking out loud.”
“We already look suspicious to them. I can’t tell them yet.”
She knew she should not have said it.
“But I will,” Tasho added.
“I think it’s kinda better this way cause you miss me more!”
She heard Alex hit something. She got excited.
“And you won’t be late anymore cause you don’t have to wait for me to finish in the shower!”
“I miss taking showers with you though.”
Tasho became silent again. She looked at the clock.
“You’d better go back to that presentation….hot lesbo.”
“Go on and fondle with your research paper, my darling.”
Tasho set aside her phone. She opened Facebook in her laptop to send a personal message to Taylor. She stared at the blinking vertical line for a couple of seconds and hated it for looking like a timer and making a part of her so pressured. But she stared at it until she had the words to type.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO UNLOVE HER?
She sent it and closed Facebook immediately. She went back to her RRL document.
In that page, one word was typed.
_________________________________________________________
West Gallery occupied a small building which had always been out of place in Quezon Avenue. It was surrounded by banks, stores, restaurants, and gas stations. It could easily be located by someone who did not know about it. It was the only building with a magnificent architecture. It would oftentimes be mistaken as a church.
Danielle Bravoro stood at the center of the art gallery. Her right hand was in her right pocket as she played with her car keys in it. Aside from her breathing, it was the only sound she heard.
The paintings around her were splattered with all the colors that a kindergarten would have in his collection. The paintings all had the same background and frame – plain white and glossy black. The images in every canvas were playful. On her right was a series of paintings featuring kids playing with sharks. On her left was a painting of the North Korean leader dancing in Ellen DeGeneres show. In other parts of the gallery, there were paintings of little birds carrying dogs, prisoners founding a village inside the prison camp, memes about the country’s political leaders, and many other funny and random things. However, something about them was powerful. The colors alone were striking and their combinations were magnetic to anyone’s eyes. Combining this aspect with the subject matter, the paintings were haunting in a sense that it would be funny at first sight but as the viewer goes on to decipher its meaning, he would find out that it was all not just about fun.
Danielle, or popularly known as Ms. Dani, painted all of them. Judging on how she would always dress up, people always had second thoughts if she was really the mind and the hand behind those intriguing creations. On this day, the day before the launching of her exhibit, she wore a suit in a black and white ensemble. She would always be as classy as this every single day. Her hair was once again cut very short.
Danielle looked behind her and saw two men who worked in the gallery. They carried one of her paintings.
“Oh hi! I hope that huge thing you’re holding isn’t giving you a hard time,” she said cheerfully. Both men were obviously stunned by it.
“No, no. We’re definitely honored to carry one of your works!”
“And we enjoy it! So no worries, Ms. Dani!”
“Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate all of the work you’ve done today.”
Both men’s cheeks turned red. It took a few seconds before one of them remembered what they were supposed to ask.
“Oh! We..uhh..we’d just like to ask where do you want us to display this painting,” the man asked as he and his partner showed the painting to Danielle.
She was average in height. The painting was a bit shorter than her and it was standing vertically. She stared at it and allowed it to dazzle her one more time, just like the other hundred times that it did. It was not even about how she made it. It was absolutely about why she made it. It was with the same white background and glossy black frame but the colors were all black. It was the only painting with one color because it did not need to have many others to shine. The image alone could make people gather around it. It was simply a woman but Danielle captured her in a moment so real that even in a painting, one could feel her totality. Danielle wanted to show her how beautiful she had always been so she painted the exact moment she first fell in love with her.
_________________________________________________________
When Alex saw Danielle’s painting of the woman, she could not get away from it.
The launching was a success. It was a whole day event and many artists and art enthusiasts attended and praised Danielle and her creations.
After their high school reunion, Alex and her best friend Rida promised to see each other again to make up for those times when they were both busy with their respective careers. Rida found out about the launching. She had always been thirsty for art but she never had the time to pursue it. When she looked at the sample paintings, she fell in love with it. The fact that the event was free for all was a big plus. She immediately called Alex to come with her.
The moment Alex entered the gallery, the painting of the woman was the first thing she saw. Rida observed her as she walked towards it slowly, without blinking and not minding the other people around her. She was magnetized by it. When Rida looked at the painting closely, she knew why.
“Oh my gosh! That’s Tasho! It’s even in her size. It’s like those life-sized cardboard figures you see in Tegan and Sara’s concerts!”
But it did not look anything like those cardboards. The painting seemed alive for Alex. She could vividly imagine the moment that was captured in it. Tasho’s hair was untied and wild while being blown by the wind. She called it a lion’s hair. She laughed with her eyes closed and her mouth slightly opened. She was doing this tongue-thing habit where the tip of her tongue touched her tooth on the rightmost, upper side, front set of teeth. Alex could even hear the sound of her laughing which sounded a little like a pig’s snorting, in a raspy kind of way, during intensely funny moments. She wore a loose shirt, tattered jeans, and a Converse rubber shoes. She held a camera. Tasho was captured in a beautiful moment while she was capturing another one herself.
“Rida, who’s the artist again?”
Rida looked at the signature in the painting.
“It’s Danielle Bravoro. She seems so familiar. Maybe I have already attended one of her exhibits before. Maybe she’s Tasho’s friend. Well, they should be friends. Unless this is not Tasho. But it cannot be anyone else.”
She had really seen that name before. Rida left Alex staring at the painting and moved on to check other paintings. They were all so familiar. She looked around the gallery to find Danielle.
When she went back to Alex, she was prepared to explain.
“I really know who the painter is. And I am so so sorry. Please don’t hate me for this.”
“I don’t understand. Why am I gonna hate you? Who’s Danielle Bravoro?”
“When you toured Asia, Tasho went home to finally pursue the career that she wanted. Then, she met someone. It was Danielle. She was her girlfriend.”
“These were the things you did not want to talk about because you said that it would just ruin your whole tour. I met her once when Tasho invited us in her exhibition. I’m really sorry, Alex. I forgot! If you’re not comfortable with this, we can go now.”
Rida grabbed Alex’s hand. Alex resisted.
“No, no! Don’t be silly. I’m okay with it. You like her as an artist. You won’t remember her paintings if you don’t. Besides, Tasho and I are okay with each other. You saw that in the reunion, right?”
“Well, yeah you were okay. But I have to say it was a little awkward. Have you not really talked about what happened?”
“No. We’re adults. We got it. And that’s how we have always been since that happened. It works better for us.”
Alex smiled to assure Rida that it was really alright.
“It’s okay. Come on,” She held Rida on the shoulders and pushed her gently to walk forward. “Let’s go see the other paintings.”
They entered the other room and saw her.
“That’s Danielle Bravoro,” said Rida.
She looked like a painting herself. Her whole form seemed to be derived from various characters in books. She was like a 1950’s American woman who moved with such class. She was like the combination of Aphrodite and Athena. She was beautiful not just at first sight. She was like wine which would always taste better the more it gets older. The more Alex stared at her, the more she discovered her beauty. And even at first sight, Alex knew that she was not merely a pretty face. The word “pretty” was even inadequate to describe her. There was a certain hint of authority and strength in her aura that would make anyone, even Alex who had always been intimidating herself, get intimidated to even catch her glance. They saw her surrounded by four men who were obviously enjoying her company. She was not as tall as Alex but no one could possibly miss her presence in the crowd. Her hair was short which made her facial assets more noticeable. She had prominent cheekbones and blue eyes. Her ears were big and a little elf-like because of the elongated tip. It turned red when she laughed. Alex and Rida could hear her from where they were. Her voice was like a female version of Morgan Freeman’s voice. It was the kind of voice that was often used in documentaries because it demanded to be heard and no one would resist from hearing it. She wore a black suit, but with dark blue jeans – a combination that Alex would never pick. But Danielle wore it with such glamour.
She looked so good to be true. She seemed so unreal. But she was real. She was Tasho’s girlfriend.
No matter how Alex tried not to show it, Rida noticed that she was not okay with being there. It was not just about Danielle being perfect and a lot better than her. It was because Danielle was everything Tasho wanted and Alex had this feeling that they were perfect together.
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Tasho could not concentrate. She had been sitting on a rotting bench for hours but she could not start anything. She thought that she would be productive in that atmosphere because it was the subject of her first project in her new job which was nothing like what she expected. Two months ago, after quitting her job in Indonesia, she applied as a researcher in a film production company which was focused on making independent films and documentaries. She got the job easily because of her credentials but the first two months were crazy. She could not keep up with the industry where she had always dreamed to belong to. Every suggestion that came from her was regarded as too dreamy or too shallow. No single person in their office understood her. She had no support. There were times when she did not bother to speak during meetings because she knew that her suggestion would be automatically declined and insulted. Tasho hated her boss. She was a fat woman who was a perfect fit for a villain role in a Disney film. She was like the obese octopus gray-haired motherfucker who fucked up Ariel’s life. Tasho had no choice but to always say “yes” to her even if she meant “no” and killed her many times and in many ways in her imagination as they spoke. Tasho had spared her life many times because of the fact that she had two cute little sons.
She wondered many times if she made the right choice. Her career in Indonesia was in full-blown success when she left. She began as a teacher and in just a couple of months, was promoted as one of the head teachers. Her money increased in a way that she never imagined. Her students were all lovable. They were smart kids who loved her and called her Teacher T. The nickname sucked but she loved hearing it from them. Tasho lived with her cousin Louise who was ten years older than her. She also started working in Indonesia after graduating from college. Louise worked for a couple of years in the same school where Tasho worked and then had a more prosperous career afterwards. In their family, she was the epitome of success. Tasho had always been a candidate in following her footsteps. No one had to tell her that she was already no good for it.
Tasho left Indonesia because even if she had a great career, she had always been itching to do what she really wanted. She felt that she had to do it for herself.
Her mother told her to take it easy because she had only been in her new job for two months. Tasho knew her mom and she would not take that advice too seriously.
It was miraculously a cold afternoon and the Heritage cemetery was peaceful and inspiring. However, it did nothing to lighten up Tasho’s mood.
She saw a lady walking towards her. She was in a white dress which looked like those very loose dresses her pregnant friends wore. She wondered if she was pregnant. She had a hat and a huge notebook. As she walked, she held her hat in place and let her dress be blown by the wind. Her appearance was so out of place in such a gloomy weather and a lonely place. She looked so bright.
The lady sat on the empty bench facing Tasho. She looked around and opened her notebook. Tasho went back to reading. She succeeded in finishing a page and then her eyes got stuck on a single paragraph again. Her mind just kept wandering somewhere else. She closed the book and said, “Fuck you, brain.” This was the time when she heard the lady in white laughed. Tasho became a little anxious because it seemed like the lady laughed at her. She opened the book again and pretended to read while observing the lady.
After a few minutes, Tasho was sure that the lady was watching her. Although she could not see her eyes clearly because of her hat, Tasho was definitely sure that she was watching her. Tasho could not believe that her day could still get worse. The lady’s stare, or pretty much anyone’s stare, brought itch to Tasho’s skin. It was not that she was getting allergies because of it, of course. It was because she always felt that there were a lot of wrong things about her that other people could easily see. It always stressed her out and that would be when the itchiness starts. Tasho decided to confront the lady. She closed her book and put it aside. She stood up and walked towards the lady as she practiced every damn word that she would say to make the lady run away in her weird white dress. The lady sat comfortably as she approached her.
Tasho was a few inches away from her when she took off her hat. Before Tasho could even say a word, she smiled and said, “How old are you?”
At that moment, it would never be enough to say that Tasho lost her words. What she lost was her consciousness. She lost her consciousness of the rough morning traffic and the forgotten notebook which she left on her desk the night before. She lost her consciousness of the pressure in work and her family’s always-great expectations. She lost her consciousness of her boss, of her rants about that gray-haired motherfucker, of her doubts about the world and about herself. She lost her consciousness of the past few minutes when she swore that she would make the lady run away and leave her in peace.
In a sudden and a very short moment, she was just conscious of two things: the lady’s unknown and beautiful face and her question which she delivered in a very casual manner, “How old are you?”
“I’m twenty-four,” Tasho answered.
Tasho did not know what to say back. She adjusted her eyeglasses and regained focus. She looked at her again and began to say what she was supposed to say.
“I’m sorry but..what..what were you..-
“Oh! Of course! I’m sorry. Names! We can’t call each other 24 and 32. My name’s Danielle Bravoro.”
Danielle held out her right hand. Tasho held it gently. It was warm.
