I had just finished my glass of wine, leaving a tiny sip unfinished at the bottom for decorum's sake. The nice thing about visiting Europe is that they're happy to serve you alcohol at 18. Back home, I'd have to wait another couple of years before I was 21 to drink. But the waiter here, who'd been standing at the door lazily smoking a cigarette when I walked in, hadn't even asked for my ID. He'd simply taken his time finishing his cigarette, walked up, given a quick nod after I'd nervously ordered, and brought it over without a word before hurrying back to his spot by the door to light another one.
In fact, as I looked around, almost everyone except me in the little osteria seemed to be smoking. At every single table a thin tendril of smoke rose from the ashtray in the middle or from a cigarette in one of the patrons' fingers. That would never be allowed back home, I thought to myself. I was glad mom wasn't there. She would've wrinkled her nose and marched straight back out the second she saw the waiter at the door, who was currently greeting what must've been a regular customer by talking loudly and exhaling a lungful of smoke in his face in the process.
Personally though, I was enjoying the vibe of the place - the chatter from the other tables, the faint buzz the wine was now giving me, and the haze and smell of the second-hand smoke hanging in the air - it all felt very Italian to me somehow, and the perfect way to end the vacation. We'd done the Vatican and the Colosseum and all the touristy things already, and today my parents had a bunch of museums planned. I didn't have much of an eye for art so had decided to give it a miss, and told them I'd spend the day at the hotel. Around noon I'd gotten hungry, but picturing my dad wide-eyed and yelling, "you spent HOW MUCH on room service?!" I figured it would be better, and cheaper, to get a bite somewhere else. I walked the streets around the hotel for a few minutes, but the afternoon sun was growing hot, and I soon sauntered into the first restaurant I saw. Half an hour later there I was, pasta finished, glass empty, and debating whether I should get another glass or the bill instead.
Telling myself one drink was probably enough, I looked over to try and get the waiter's attention, only to see that both he and the customer he was talking to at the door were looking directly at me. As I watched, the waiter said something to the other guy, then laughed and clapped him on the back, while he in turn grinned slightly before bringing his cigarette to his mouth and taking a drag. The clap on the back seemed to signal the end of their conversation, because the newcomer then stepped forward, continuing to look at me, and to my surprise, made his way in my direction.
He was one of those effortlessly handsome, rugged looking types. This whole trip I'd struggled to not let my parents catch me rubbernecking at all the hot Italian men we passed wherever we went. They didn't know I was gay, and I wasn't about to let them find out just yet. But with that restraint not present, I freely let myself ogle the specimen who was now approaching me, who for his part seemed to be checking me out in the same way.
Tall and dark, as they say, he was wearing a sky blue shirt that was fully unbuttoned and hanging loosely from his shoulders, exposing his bare torso underneath. Across his chest, what might have been a dense mat of body hair if he'd left it au naturel was instead neatly trimmed, fading away naturally over his stomach to reveal his abs before resurging suddenly in a prominent treasure trail. The white elastic waistband of his underwear was visible an inch above his shorts, but was worn low enough that I could see his treasure trail widen significantly as it approached his pelvis and prepared to meet that other patch of hair hidden beneath the waistband. As if seeking a substitute, my eyes drifted back up to the whiskers on his face, thick and full, though the hair on his head was covered by a hat. It was a curious choice, dirty and slightly tattered, something I'd expect to see more on a redneck driving a pickup back home. Combined with the cigarette it gave him a rustic, macho look, like the men of yesteryear. A real Marlboro Man if ever there was one.
By now he'd reached my table, offered me the kind of half-smile Europeans seem to use with strangers, and asked in an accented, gravelly voice, "you mind - I sit here?"
"Um no, not at all. Go ahead," I said, hiding my confusion and instead showing him what a proper smile should look like.
"Grazie," he replied with a wider smile himself. Still standing, he leaned over and rested his cigarette in the ashtray on the table before slipping his shirt off and tossing it on the other chair. Then he slipped his hand into his pocket, fished out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and finally sat down opposite me, placing the items on the table in front of him. Picking his lit cigarette back up from the ashtray, he noticed my empty glass and said, "ah, you finish already?"
"Looks like it," I agreed, looking down at my glass.
"Ma dai, stay, have another," he suggested, his accent coming through as he dragged the syllables out.
Before I could respond, he had already turned his head and was calling the waiter, who came over. I couldn't follow their exchange of rapid Italian, but it didn't exactly come as a surprise when he turned to me after the waiter had walked off and said genially, "I order more wine for both of us."
Not knowing what to say, I shrugged my shoulders in feigned resignation, then gave him my best attempt at "grazie", to which he grinned as he exhaled more smoke. Over the next couple of minutes we warmed up fully to each other. By the time the waiter returned with our drinks, I had found out his name was Fabio, and that he was 37, single, lived around the corner, had visited the States a few years ago, and came to this place almost daily. In turn he had asked me my name, age, where in America I was from, whether I was traveling alone, and how long my parents would be at the museum. When I told him I didn't expect them back for another few hours, he gave another pleased smile and said, "buono," more to himself than anything.
Not understanding his meaning, I ventured naively, "why do you ask?"
But in response he just picked up his glass, said "salute", and took a deep sip. I proceeded to do the same. It was a different wine to the one I had ordered earlier, which frankly had been the cheapest one on the menu. It hadn't been bad, not that I know much about these things, but I could tell the difference from this one, which was darker and bolder. Neither were anything like the Bud Light my friend Alex had stolen from his dad's fridge a couple of months ago, which had been my only experience of alcohol until now.
Fabio had finished his cigarette while we had been talking earlier, but now the wine seemed to remind him that he wanted another one. He reached for his pack, flipped it open, then looking towards me asked, "cigarette?"
"Oh. No thanks, I don't smoke."
He raised his eyebrows. "You don't smoke?"
I shrugged, smiling apologetically. Why I was being apologetic, I wasn't sure. I'd never really given the habit much thought before. It was just something that some people did.
"Ma in Italy, all boys smoke," he said encouragingly, the open pack still facing towards me. There were a dozen or so cigarettes in it.
I laughed politely. "I'm sure it's not all of them."
"No, it's true," he insisted.
I knew it was hyperbole, but he did have a point. Everywhere we'd gone on this trip, we'd encountered much more smoking than we ever did back home. Dapper businessmen in suits hurrying down the street, silver-haired retirees sitting at a table playing cards, fathers congregating to one side while their kids played in the park, and, as Fabio had pointed out, guys my age, all smoking. It was still normalized here in a way that it no longer was back home.
Fabio sat still, fixing me with his intense brown eyes as he watched me pause and consider. I had already broken the rules by drinking today. And surely there could not be a better time than now to heed the advice of the idiom, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."
My eyes turned to the pack of Winston Blues he was still holding out, and the upside down writing on it. "Il fumo uccide," it tried to warn me - "smoking kills." I ignored the warning and yielded to his proposition, rather sheepishly reaching for one of the cigarettes in the middle.
"Sì, bello!" he said warmly.
My fingers gripped one of the cork filters and I slowly slid it out of the pack. It felt thicker and sturdier than I expected for something made mostly of paper and dried leaves, I thought. I held it in my hand, looking somewhat stupid and not knowing what to do next.
Fabio, meanwhile, had pulled one out of his own, flipped the pack shut, put the cigarette in his mouth, and flicked the lighter. It was all done in one smooth, practiced motion, and I watched as he held the flame to the tip for just a second before blowing out a small puff of smoke as it began to burn. Then, it was my turn. He held the lighter out casually for me to take.
With no clue what I was doing, I did my best to copy him. I brought the cigarette to my mouth and closed my lips around it. But I hadn't placed it properly, and it drooped dangerously under its own weight, threatening to fall out of my mouth entirely. I quickly adjusted it with my hand and tried again, placing it a bit deeper. The paper around the filter felt dry against the inside of my lips.
I then nervously took the lighter from Fabio. Holding it about a foot in front of me, I placed my thumb on the wheel and gave it a spin - an unsteady, slow spin that sent a single feeble spark flying but failed to produce a flame. I was already feeling foolish with the unlit cigarette hanging from my mouth, and this wasn't helping. I tried again, but there was not even a spark this time. My hands began to sweat as I prepared to try a third time.
Thankfully, Fabio noticed my difficulty and intervened. "I help you," he said through his cigarette, holding his hand out, and I gladly returned the lighter to its owner.
He quickly flicked it to life and brought it towards my cigarette. I tried to hold still as he leaned across the table to align the flame with the tip. "Now pull slowly," he instructed.
I knew from movies and TV that by those words he wanted me to start sucking gently on the cigarette to help get the tobacco burning, and I did my best to comply. I sucked on the filter in my mouth, watching his face as he concentrated on holding the flame steady. It felt strangely intimate, his act of doing this for me, as if there was a much deeper bond between us than our ten-minute acquaintance would suggest. Was it just friendship? Or was it something more?
A long second passed where nothing happened. Suddenly aware that the whole thing was taking longer than it should have, I began to suck harder. Fabio's had taken him just a quick second to light. I hoped I was doing my part of the job correctly, but unlike sipping a drink through a straw, there was no physical feedback available to my mouth, so I had no way of knowing for sure. But just as I had finished thinking this, Fabio finally took the lighter away from my face and released his thumb to put it out. I saw smoke begin to rise from the now lit end of my cigarette, thin but opaque, waving and curling over itself, and simultaneously tasted it on my tongue. It tasted exactly the way it smelled, I thought, just stronger.
As he put the lighter down and leaned back in his chair, I carefully brought my hand up to take the cigarette away from my lips. I knew this bit was supposed to be tricky at first, and tried not to accidentally breathe and fuck it up. The stakes felt high. This attractive stranger had first generously given me a cigarette and then helped me light it. I had to do the rest of this properly.
I gingerly took the cigarette out of my mouth, gripping it between my thumb and forefinger, tilted my head back slightly, and slowly parted my lips and blew out. Almost immediately a puff of smoke escaped, before I had even finished blowing. It was a small cloud, but it seemed to hang in mid-air and billow around itself, dissipating as I continued exhaling. I had expected more smoke to follow it, but the rest of the air I blew out didn't contain any smoke. I looked at Fabio to gauge his reaction.
He was grinning excitedly, and nodded in affirmation as I looked at him. Relieved, I grinned as well. I had done it, even if it hadn't been perfect. My first cigarette! I looked back at it in my hand, and saw it had accumulated a quarter inch of flaky gray ash at the end. I stared at it, admiring the results of what I'd just done. But Fabio spoke again just then.
"Now take it in your lungs, like this," he said, making sure I was watching him before taking a long drag on his cigarette for several seconds. Then he took it away and opened his mouth wide, and I saw it was filled with dense, milky smoke. I watched him closely. With a short, soft gasp the smoke promptly disappeared down his throat, and he straightened his posture and moved his head back slightly to make it plain to me that he was inhaling the smoke into his lungs. Looking me directly in the eye, after a couple of seconds he exhaled slowly and blew a steady stream of smoke directly at me in a well-formed cone. Unlike my sudden puff, his exhale was controlled and continuous, though the smoke itself was much thinner than what he'd inhaled, almost transparent by the time it reached and enveloped me. He closed his mouth, and a final wisp escaped from his nostrils. I was transfixed.
"You try," he said encouragingly. His demonstration complete, he went back for another drag on his cigarette, this time for himself.
Apprehensively, I obeyed and brought my cigarette up for my attempt. I hadn't realized that I hadn't inhaled the first time. I didn't even know there was a difference. I knew there was no way I could match his expert performance, but I could give it a shot. Steeling myself, I wrapped my lips around the filter again and sucked, just like the first time. Again, I tasted the smoke and knew it had entered my mouth.
Slowly I took the cigarette a few inches away, holding my mouth slightly open like Fabio had done. I saw a small amount of smoke chase the filter out of my mouth, and tried not to move any more, not wanting to waste it all. Continuing to mimic him, I forced myself to give a small gasp while moving my head back slightly, as if that would help.
Immediately I knew I had succeeded in inhaling. The smoke wasn't hot but it certainly was harsh. Though it was over before I knew it, I was aware it had scraped the back of my throat on its way down, like I had just swallowed a piece of fine grit sandpaper. Instinctively I stopped inhaling, but the smoke had already entered my lungs by then.
There it was a different story. I had expected to feel something solid and offensive entering my lungs, but there wasn't any of that. If anything, my chest expanded easily just like a normal breath, but the air inside felt less dense, especially at the top just under my collarbone. It felt like I hadn't quite gotten enough air with that breath, the way it sometimes felt when I was panting hard during sport, only I was sitting calmly and had taken a single, slow breath.
The itch at the back of my mouth lingered, but I held my breath for a second or two like Fabio had done. Then I formed my lips into an O-shape and got ready to blow the smoke out. My chest began to fall, but before any smoke had left my mouth, it caught in my throat again, slightly further down, behind my Adam's apple. Unlike on the way in, the irritation was much more persistent this time. It felt like something sharp and thorny had lodged itself right around my vocal chords, and my desire to exhale smoothly was overtaken by my cough reflex.
I let out several short barks, smoke coming out in bursts with each one. I paused, swallowed, then let out a couple more hacks that were waiting. When I finally managed to stifle them, I tried blowing out again to finish emptying my lungs, but it was all gone. In between the coughs I must have involuntarily breathed in again, because there was nothing but air when I blew out. I looked to Fabio, who was approving, to my relief.
"Bene, molto bene!" he said, congratulating me.
The thrill of gaining his validation combined with the thrill of having actually done it. Within seconds, what must have been the nicotine rush hit me. The wine had made everything slightly softer, more blunted, and my face had grown pleasantly warm, but the nicotine rush came on much more rapidly. It reversed the wine's effects temporarily, and I felt both a tightness wrapping around my head and lightheaded at the same time. My arms tingled slightly, and I felt like I was rising upwards even as I remained planted firmly in the chair.
"Woah," I said slowly, "that was intense!"
"But good?" Fabio enquired with some concern.
"Awesome!" I confirmed.
His expression relaxed again. "Have some wine," he suggested, and trusting him completely by now, I did as he told.
A minute later, I took a deep breath to steady myself before trying again with the cigarette. The smoke was still rougher on my throat than my lungs, just like the first time, but less so. I managed to begin a decent exhale before coughing again halfway through. Thirty seconds later, a third attempt followed, this time with no cough. Though the amount of smoke I exhaled each time was not as large as when Fabio did it, I was still proud of myself. The nicotine rush intensified each time, though it was ultimately fleeting and soon faded.
Looking down at the cigarette, I saw that there was now only an inch or so left unburned, apart from the filter. Distracted by the sensations I was experiencing, I had let much of it burn down while Fabio smoked in silence and watched me with vicarious delight. I had also clumsily dropped two clumps of ash on the table without realizing it, and now had nowhere to place my elbows. Noticing, he deftly swept them off the table with his fingers. Then he took another drag on his cigarette, and I saw that he was nearly done with it too. The embers had made their way almost right up to the cork filter, with no white paper left. As he inhaled then exhaled the smoke, he looked at me expectantly.
Obliging, I brought my own cigarette up for my fourth inhale. I took a confident drag, bolstered by my previous success, then recoiled slightly. The smoke I had drawn in was markedly hotter and more acrid than before. I took the filter away from my lips and looked down at it - the end had gone a pale, patchy brown, like the pages of an old book. I faltered. My lungs had been untouched by smoke until today. My body had already voiced its protest at the earlier inhales. Should I really make myself do it again?
Once more, I looked to Fabio for guidance, who was not finished with his cigarette as I had thought, but was in fact taking yet another drag on what must have been the very last dregs of tobacco in it, pinching the filter between his thumb and finger. I wondered how much hotter the smoke was for him, how much more intense, whether his filter had also changed color like mine. I watched him suck the last of his smoke down into his lungs without a hint of hesitation, and thought of how many times he had done this before.
It induced me to overcome my scruples, and I also inhaled the smoke that had been sitting in my mouth for a second or two now, and found it was not as disagreeable as I had thought it might be. When I exhaled, I again managed to do so without coughing. Fabio finished exhaling at the same time, having held it in for longer, and grinned almost mischievously as he stubbed the butt out in the ashtray, which was my cue to do the same.
"Soon you will be a smoker, eh?" he said playfully, leaning over and giving my shoulder a friendly pat.
I laughed. "Looks like I already am," I replied, and the aftertaste of the smoke in my mouth reaffirmed what I'd just said.
Fabio gave a sideways nod, as if conceding that it was indeed now true. "You learn fast," he said as a compliment.
"Well, it helps that I have a good teacher," I flirted back.
He chuckled and took a quick sip of his wine. There was a brief lull in the conversation, and though it wasn't awkward, I could tell he was tempted to fill it by lighting another cigarette for himself. I watched him eye his pack thoughtfully. Then, seeming to lose some internal battle, he reached for it.
"I have another one," he said to me, pulling one out.
"Of course, go ahead," I said. I knew I wasn't ready for another cigarette yet, but I was glad of the chance to study him as he smoked.
He let out a quick puff as soon as the cigarette was lit before setting the lighter down and going in for his first real drag. It was long and hard, and I watched the cherry glow brightly as it grew longer. He inhaled, then immediately began taking a second identical drag as exhaled the first through his nose. I made a mental note to try that myself later. The second exhale was no sooner out his mouth than he began filling his lungs for a third. The cigarette hadn't left his lips.
Realizing I was staring perhaps a bit too pointedly, I picked up my glass to take a sip. But it was too late. Fabio had caught me gawking, and he took his cigarette out to ash it as he spoke.
"You think I smoke too much?" he asked with an amused smile.
It was clear to me he was indeed a heavy smoker, but it was also clear that he enjoyed it deeply, and it suited him well. Cigarettes were the perfect accompaniment to his stunning looks, and I had a feeling he knew this as well. As far as I was concerned, he could keep smoking all he wanted. I deliberated on how to phrase my answer.
"I can see why you do it," I said obliquely.
"Cazzo, I can't live without this one!" he replied enthusiastically, and I could easily believe it. As if to prove his point, he leaned back in his chair and took another deep inhale, then rubbed his chest indulgently with his hand. My eyes followed the motion, watching his fingers drag the short hairs on his chest out of place. His bicep bulged as his arm bent at the elbow, the olive skin stretched taut across the muscle.
I quickly looked away, seeking refuge by taking another sip of wine, but for the second time now, Fabio had caught me staring. I tried to appear nonchalant, but when I made eye contact again, he was waiting for me with a knowing smile.
"You come to my house? We can practice," he said.
"Practice smoking, you mean?"
"Sì, smoking. But if you want, some other things also..."
















